Seven-year old James Potter's cry came from outside
"DAD!"
Mr. Potter, thinking his son had gotten hurt, dropped his Daily Prophet and dashed into the yard.
"What's wrong?"
"I have a question."
"Well, ask it, then."
"What is that garden gnome doing to that other garden gnome?" James pointed over to a nearby bush, where two garden gnomes were… Well, you know.
Mr. Potter blinked. He and his wife hadn't discussed this part of parenting yet.
"Well… They're, er, playing Quidditch."
"Oh. Am I allowed to play Quidditch?"
"MERLIN no! But, if you do, make sure it's with a hot girl."
"Sure, Dad."
On the second day of first year…
"Hey, Sirius, do you know where we are going?"
James's new friend checked his schedule.
"It says here that we are going for Quidditch lessons."
"Pardon?"
"Quidditch lessons."
James turned ashen white.
"What?" asked Sirius. "I've played before. It's a lot of fun!"
"You've played before!"
"Yes…"
"With who?"
"My brother."
"You played Quidditch with your brother!"
"James, everyone does it. Honestly… Let's just go out to the field. You must have had too much pie last night at the feast."
They walked out to the field, a confident Sirius and a stumbling James.
"Quidditch is an important part of many most of the wizarding world's life" said Madame Hooch as class started.
"It is expected that everyone on the Quidditch team at Hogwarts plays very well and is not easily distracted by large crowds."
James visibly turned green.
"Now, I want you to pick up a broom from the stack behind me."
James raised his hand. "Are we going to be playing Quidditch with the broom?"
Madame Hooch was somewhat amused. "Yes. There is no other way to play it. You must RIDE the broom to play the sport."
Muggle born, she thought.
"But… we can't play it any other way? Like… with a girl?"
"Ride a girl?" The class erupted into giggles.
James flushed. "But I thought we were playing Quidditch!"
"We are… May I please finish instruction?"
More confused than ever, James put his hand down.
The class finished and James went back to his dormitory, where he wrote a letter to his mum.
Dear Mum,
Hogwarts is great so far. Could you please tell Dad I played Quidditch with a hot girl? He'll know what I mean.
-James
He got a letter back the next day.
Dear James,
YOU DID WHAT!
-Dad
Dear Dad,
Next time please don't give the name of a sport to… Well, you know.
-James
All went well until Potions the next day...
Lily Evans walked by Sirius's and James's table, wearing a tight shirt.
James whistled softly.
"Dang, she has a nice set of Gobstones."
Sirius didn't even try.