P.S. Why Valerie, Princess of Hogwarts, you ask? Valerie is my sister, and she said she'd never read my fan fiction unless there was Romance and she was in it. Thus the title. And besides, she actually wrote a fan fiction in which she was Princess of Hogwarts. *snicker*
Romance at Hogwarts
Chapter 2: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Narrator: This ridiculously far-fetched tale begins shortly after Harry and Ron realize that they've missed the train. Of course as usual, Harry has spent an eventful summer at the Dursleys where he meets a psycho self-mutilating house-elf who smashes a pudding on the Dursleys house guests.
…
I mean it! I'm not lying! Honest! Well fine, it's not my fault…look at the material I had to work with! Smashing puddings, large slimy boy-eating snakes, black candles with blue flames, a supermodel acting as a teacher, and the quote 'smartest' girl in the school falling for it…oh hold on, right, missing the train…
Harry: *beep* we've missed the train!
…
You can stop banging your head against the wall Ron.
Ron: NO! Fred has my luggage! *wham* He can't *bam* show mum *whack* my copies of Playwizard! *wham*
Harry: CALM DOWN! Er, I have them with me. I stole them from your bag. There were 20 copies, right?
Ron: Harry, you only saw 20 copies. I took your invisible cloak and draped it over the rest of them!
(Muffled voice from behind wall): RON WEASELEEEY!
Ron: Fred's dead meat!
Harry: Ron, you left Scabbers in your bag.
Ron: Okay fine, Fred can wait. But let me get this straight: we have no invisibility cloak, no Scabbers, and NO PLAYWIZARD?!?!?!
Harry: It's okay Ron. We just need to find a way to get to Hogwarts, and we'll get our luggage back when we get there.
Ron: What about Hedwig? We could attach a…um…
Harry: We don't have Hedwig either!
(Fred from the other side of the wall): Hey mum, look, its Harry's invisibility cloak!
Ron: Actually I say we run for it now and discuss later!
Harry: Why? She can't get to us…
Ron: No, but who knows what will happen if dad figures out that those were his copies-
*CRUMBLE*
(Followed by two minutes of unprintable obscenity, and Harry and Ron running for dear life)
*two minutes later, Ron and Harry are gasping for breath outside the station in a large tree*
Harry: I'm surprised Mr. Weasely can swear that well considering he's never watched a minute of TV in his life!
Ron: D'you think we can get back to the…er…remains of Platform 9 and ¾ and catch the train?
Harry: I don't think so. The muggles would be all over us. And anyways, I think I have an idea…
Ron: What?
Harry: How about we jinx a car…then we can fly to Hogwarts!
Ron: OOOH! Let's jinx the Spice Bus!
Harry: No, wait, how about the Bat Car!
Ron: The Bat Car? Couldn't we just use the Bat Helicopter instead? I'm confused…
Harry: You're right, it's too confusing. Let's stick with the Spice Bus plan.
Ron: One thing though…we'll have to wait until the Spice Girls are gone. That might take a while, considering they practically LIVE in there.
Harry: Who said we had to leave the Spice Girls behind?
Ron:…I see…
Harry: Right then, let's go…
*later*
Harry: Hey check it out Ron! 50 DVD's and a TV! I'm SO watching the Fellowship of the Ring!
Ron: Normally, I would say 'go ahead, Harry'; however I do hope you realize that YOU ARE FLYING THE CAR!
Harry: Bus. It's a bus, Ron.
Ron: I knew that.
Harry: *sigh* I wish Hermione were here…
Ron: Why the hell would you want Hermione here?
Harry: Oh, just because she would be the one driving, and I would be able to sit back and make fun of her for awhile. This is so boring without her!
Ron: I wonder what she's doing now…
Harry: RON. NO FLASHBACKS.
Ron: FINE! So where are the DVD's anyways?
Harry: *long silence*…sorry?
Ron: Harry, take your headphones off!
Harry: Wha-?
Ron: Harry, watch out for that bridge!
Harry: Sorry, wait a minute, I can't hear you-
*BAM*
*Ten minutes later, Harry wakes up in the back on a fluffy pink fuzzy Spice Pillow. Ron has the wheel.*
Harry: This is getting more random by the minute. Er, Ron, you know you don't have to signal to a flock of pigeons.
Ron: You want to do my job? Be my guest.
*Harry gets up and starts to move towards the front*
Ron: Nevermind! You're going to get us killed. Go and play with the Spice Girls.
Harry: Ron, we locked them in the fridge, remember? They were trying to stab us with their high heels!
Ron: Fine! Just sit down and read some Playwizard!
*some time later*
Harry: Hey, take a look at this Ron!
Ron: Harry, I'm trying to drive…
Harry: Come on, look! These witches are bitches!
*WHAM*
Harry: Niice going Ron!
Ron: Okay…like that was MY fault!
Harry: EW, who farted!
Large tree: Not me!
Ron: *in that really annoying high voice* H-h-harry!
Harry: What? What did you say?
Ron: Harry, will you PLEASE take your headphones off!
Harry: No way! I love this song! So 'Stop right now, thank you very much'
Large Tree: Oh, don't mind me. I'm Treebeard. I'm an Ent.
Ron: Right.
Treebeard: I'm filling in for the Whomping Willow.
Ron: Right.
Treebeard: No seriously. Haven't you seen The Lord of the Rings?
Ron: Hold on. Wasn't that the movie that we ripped off of?
Treebeard: What do you mean?
Harry: Well, there's an evil sorcerer referred to as "Dark Lord" who desires to regain physical shape, a wise old wizard with a long gray beard and a wizard hat, a birthday that involves 1's sets off events (my 11th and Bilbo's 111th) an inherited invisibility device, a dog named Fang, evil, creepy hooded creatures, deceased parents, a giant spider, a bad guy with a "wormy" name, a small, pitiable creature who talks in third person, goblins, a dangerous willow tree, powerful, life saving swords and a scar from evil forces.
Treebeard: Wow. You really did your research.
Harry: And don't even get me started on Harry Potter vs. Star Wars…
Treebeard: Er, thanks, I'm good. Um, you should be going now. After all, I'm supposed to be trying to kill you, right?
Ron: Really?
Treebeard: Well, it's what's in the script.
Harry: RUN FOR IT!!!
*they run towards the school*
Ron: Hold on, what about the Spice Girls?
Harry: Aww, everyone hates them anyways. Let's leave them.
*they run for it, and are caught by Snape*
*in Snape's dungeon…*
Snape: *adjusts boxers* Well, well, well.
Ron: Well?
Snape: Well, I don't think I need to say anything.
Harry: Well don't then.
Snape: Well fine. You're expelled.
Ron: Well wait just a minute! You can't expel us!
Snape: Well see. I mean…well, you know what I mean!
Harry: Can we stop? The word well is beginning to lose its meaning!
Ron: Hehe…well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well
Harry: STOPPIT!
*later*
Snape: Dammit. I can't expel you this year. Or any year for that matter. If I did, then J.K Rowling wouldn't be able to write any more Harry Potter books, and then she'd kill me off in a fit of rage. At least, that's what the book said.
Ron: Um, what book?
Snape: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, of course!
Ron: *gasp* WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!?!?!
Snape: I'm not telling! Na na na na na na!
Ron: On the count of three. One…two…
*Ron swipes the book out of Snape's hands and he and Harry run for it*
Snape: Well, that's one way of getting it. *yells after them* Fine! GO ALREADY! I'm late for my grease shower as it is!
*meanwhile, Ron and Harry have just entered the Gryffindor Common Room…*
Ron: Phew! It's sure good to be back to the real plot!
Harry: What are you talking about, Ron?
Ron: According to this book, we were supposed to just take dad's car to Hogwarts.
Harry: Oh. Oops.
Ron: Oh, forget it. We're back on track now. So what have you been doing over the summer holiday?
Harry: Well, when I was at the Dursleys, this strange creature visited me in my bedroom. He seemed quite intent on killing himself, actually…
Ron: Harry, no flashbacks, remember?
Harry: Too late!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*In Harry's bedroom, in Surrey*
Harry: Sorry Hedwig, I can't find the stupid keys to your cage. Think you can survive on birdseed?
Hedwig: *grumble hoot*
*suddenly from out of the closet, a small ragged creature appears*
Harry: And just who the hell are you?
Gollum: Nasty stupid fat hobbitses, calling me names-
Harry: Er, what's a hobbit? And who ARE you?
Gollum: I am Sméagol, precious! Were is the stupid fat hobbit?!
Harry: Right. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're in the wrong movie or something…
Gollum: Wait…you're Harry Potter. Um…whoops!
*Gollum disappears into the closet again. Dobby appears.*
Harry: You know, whoever you are, that was a really bad practical joke.
Dobby: Oh sorry. My bad.
Harry: Right. So who are you?
Dobby: Oh, I'm Dobby. I'm a depressed house elf.
Harry: House elf…?
Dobby: We are depressed Goth elves bound to our master. The only way we can be freed from a lifetime of meaningless work is to have someone present us with 'preppy clothes'.
Harry: Oh yeah, I noticed all the studs and black clothing. Is that your uniform?
Dobby: I suppose. Now listen, I have a message for you. Don't go back to school. You are in great danger. Okay, I'm leaving now. I'm bored.
Harry: What's wrong with school?
Dobby: You don't learn anything useful for the real world. You should be living right now, while you're still living. *sigh*
Harry: You're terribly depressing; you know that, don't you?
Dobby: What can I say; it's a living. I don't have a house or a family…I live out on the streets… life isn't what it's cracked up to be. Well anyways, you heard me, so I'm leaving now. Don't try to stop me.
Harry: Er, right. Goodbye, I guess…
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry: So what do you think?
Ron: I think you're nuts.
Harry: Let's go to the dorm now and get some sleep. We have Herbology in the morning…
*Herbology in the morning*
Sprout: Hello. By some strange coincidence, my name is Professor Sprout, and I am the Herbology teacher. Today we will be potting Mandrakes!
Hermione: Hey guys! I heard you got a month's worth of detention. Ouch.
Ron: Hullo.
Harry: Hullo. Yeah. I'm surprised the Spice Girls didn't sue us too.
Ron: Shh, Sprout's talking again!
Sprout: Now who here can tell me the properties of a Mandrake besides Hermione?
Hermione: OH, PICK ME PICK ME!!!
Sprout: It's alright, Hermione. Mandrakes are useful in counteracting the effects of paralysis. Now everyone, grab a pair of earmuffs.
*everyone does*
Sprout: Now here's a Mandrake for everyone. Now on the count of three, we will pull the Mandrakes out and deposit them into a bigger pot. One…two…
Harry: ELEVEN!
Sprout: Very funny Potter. Three!
Harry: *shouting* Look! The plants…they're BABIES!
Ron: Hey, Harry, that one looks just like you!
Harry: Shut up Ron!
Ron: Oh, don't you start THAT again…
Harry: Hey, look, that one kinda looks like Hermione!
Ron: Hehe!
Hermione: You guys are SO immature.
Harry + Ron: *snicker*
Sprout: Well done! Ten points to Gryffindor! Now hurry along, the bell's about to ring anyways…
*lunchtime at the Gryffindor table*
Ron: I just realized my wand's broken! I must've done it in the car crash.
Harry: Bus, Ron. BUS crash. MY question is…what did it break on?
Ron: Hehe…maybe on your thick skull!
Harry: Shut up Ron!
Fred: Ew, check it out, Percy's kissing Penelope again.
Harry: I'd rather not, thank you.
Ron: Here come the owls again.
Hermione: Uh-oh Ron, you got a Howler…
Harry: Hey, what's a Howler?
Ron: You don't want know. Well, here goes…
Mrs. Weasely: RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KILL OFF THE SPICE GIRLS-
Harry: I knew we'd never hear the end of this…
Hermione: Cheer up Harry. How worse can things possibly get?
*Defense against the Dark Arts class*
Lockhart: Welcome to Defense against the Dark Arts class!
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: I see you've all bought the complete set of my books, as I told you to.
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: So I suppose we can have a little quiz to see how much you've been reading up on me and my lifestyle…
*several girls scream and faint as Lockhart passes out the tests*
Harry: This is what I call worse Hermione.
…Hermione? Hello? Are you alright Hermione?
Ron: She's in some sort of daze, I think. The only thing she's been saying is something about how ugly Snape is after all…
Harry: Oh no. Don't tell me Hermione has a crush on this loser!
Lockhart: Quiet please.
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: You have thirty minutes, now go!
*several girls scream and faint*
Harry: Look at these questions! *reads* what is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
Ron: Um…plaid?
Harry: Just when we thought things couldn't possibly get any better…
*later, Harry Ron and Hermione are walking back to the dorm*
Harry: Can you believe that? Malfoy on the Quidditch team?
Hermione: Relax Harry…you can beat him easily.
Harry: Why are you so confident in my Quidditch skills all of a sudden?
Hermione: Ron told me that according to his book, the Slytherins don't win once this year.
Ron: And you can probably guess that I've made my bets already. And-Ooooh, look! Scary mysterious writing on the walls!
Harry: Ron, you don't have one scrap of dramatic flair, do you?
Hermione: Someone spray-painted the walls! I'M TELLING!
Harry: I think its blood Hermione.
Ron: *smack* yep, tastes like blood.
Harry: Ron, will you please stop trying to eat everything!
*suddenly, some teachers arrive on the scene*
McGonagall: Oh no! Ron ate the evidence!
Dumbledore: Awww, he must be hungry. Have a sherbet lemon Ron.
Hermione: *ahem* we have a situation on our hands. Judging from the white feathers encrusted into the blood, I'd say that this is chicken blood. Oh look, there's Hagrid now. Why don't we ask him!
Hagrid: Why hello Hermione!
Hermione: Hagrid, um, have you been missing any, um, chickens?
Hagrid: Uh oh, those feathers look familiar…oh no! PRISSY!
*Hagrid runs away crying*
Hermione: *coughs* Okay, so we now know that somebody stole, um, Prissy, and painted these words on the wall with its blood. So the question is, who would do such a thing?
Ron: I know! GINNY DID IT!
*Harry and Hermione burst out laughing. Ron joins in*
Harry: Ha! Ginny! That's hilarious!
Hermione: Yeah, good one Ron!
Harry: *wipes tear from eye* Well now that we've stopped laughing, let's ask another question…what is the 'Chamber of Secrets' ?
Ron: Well my guess is that it's a Chamber of Secrets.
*Ron and Harry collapse in a pile in hysterics, while Hermione stomps off*
*the next day in Transfiguration class*
McGonagall: Yes, Hermione?
Hermione: Professor, what is the Chamber of Secrets?
McGonagall: Why Hermione, it's a Chamber of Secrets of course!
Harry: Well that sure was helpful.
Ron: *snicker*
Hermione: Please Ms. McGonagall, what exactly is it?
McGonagall: Well it's a secret chamber constructed by Salazar Slytherin -
Harry: Whoa, ridiculous name alert!
McGonagall: And only the heir of Slytherin can open it.
Harry: Well obviously Malfoy is the heir of Slytherin, so he's obviously opened it.
Ron: I always thought that Malfoy was the heir of dung, but that's just me.
McGonagall: Right. Well class, there's the bell. Of to lunch you go!
*on the way to the Great Hall*
Hermione: Hey Harry, you coming to the Dueling Club?
Harry: No thanks. I don't feel like it.
Malfoy: Hey Harry, you coming to the Dueling Club?
Harry: Absolutely, See you there.
*the Dueling Club*
Lockhart: Welcome to the Dueling Club!
*several girls scream and faint*
Harry: God not this again…
Ron: Where in the name of Christ is he getting all those girls from?!?!
Harry: Actually, that's an excellent question Ron. I'll have to ask him for future reference in my dating career. Hehe…
Ron: Yeah, in the future all right, because there sure isn't any dating career of yours right now!
Harry: Shut up Ron!
Lockhart My name is Professor Lockhart and I will be your Dueling instructor.
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: As will Professor Snape.
*several students scream and faint*
Snape: Well, I suppose to get started we should have a demonstration. Malfoy? Potter?
*Malfoy and Harry step up onto the table*
Malfoy: Scared Potter?
Harry: No! I'm not afraid of girls!
Ron: Hehe…one Harry, nothing Malfoy...
*followed by five minutes in which nothing of Harry or Malfoy can be seen behind the large cloud of dust that they have formed*
Lockhart: Attack with your wands, dammit! …No! I didn't mean for you to spear each other! Cast spells!
HISSSSSSSS….
Malfoy: Mwahaha! I have conjured an invincible boy-eating snake!
*the snake turns to bite a student….*
Harry: Haaaasiithrraaaaa… (Translation: That's right! Go for Cedric!)
Hermione: What? Harry's a Parselmouth?
Ron: What's a Parsleymouth?
Hermione: It means that he can talk to snakes, idiot!
Ron: Is he egging the snake on or something?
Hermione: Harry wouldn't do that…oh good, Snape conjured it away.
*later*
Hermione: Harry, you're a Parselmouth!
Harry: What's a Parsleymouth?
Hermione: It means that you can talk to snakes! Only the heir of Slytherin can talk to snakes!
Ron: That must make you the heir of Slytherin, eh?
Harry: No, really.
Hermione: Well nevermind that…I noticed something when Filch's cat was attacked the other night. There were a large number of spiders running out a crack in the window…I don't get it. So then I decided to do some research, and I didn't find anything. I was very disappointed, but then I saw a book on Polyjuice Potion.
Harry: Will that give us the power to talk to spiders?
Hermione: No…but it does allow us to transform into different people. I think we should sneak into the Slytherin common room and ask Malfoy what's going on. The potion will take a month to make, so I'll brew it. Meanwhile, you two go into the Forbidden Forest and track the spiders.
Harry: Fair enough. See you in a bit.
*later that night in the forest*
Harry: Ugh, so many spiders. I wonder where they're all going?
Ron: *points* that way, I think.
Harry: You KNOW what I meant, Ron. You seem a little on edge. Are you afraid of spiders?
Ron: Only giant ones with venom dripping from their fangs... like that one right in front of us! *meep*
Aragog: Oh, who? Me? I'm just the host of…Forbidden Forest Survivor!
Harry: What the hell is Forbidden Forest Survivor?!
Aragog: Come on, you don't watch Survivor? Everybody watches Survivor!
Ron: Yeah Harry, what's wrong with you?
Aragog: So, as I was saying…
Tribe 1 Includes Harry Potter, Sirius Black, Valerie Princess of Hogwarts, Percy Weasely, Fred Weasely, Draco Malfoy, Cedric Diggory, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore, Professor Quirrel and the Bloody Baron.
Tribe 2 consists of Ron Weasely, Cho Chang, Professor Lockhart, Severus Snape, Colin Creevy, George Weasely, Aunt Petunia, Dudley, Ms. McGonagall and Hagrid.
Let the Games Begin!
Day 1 Tribe Dobby (1)
Harry: Right. Okay guys, we need food, a fire and shelter. Who wants to get food?
Dumbledore: Harry, we don't need food. I have a year's supply of sherbet lemons in my pocket.
Harry: Check your pocket again professor. Dudley secretly looted your sherbet lemon stash while you were chasing after Fawkes!
Dumbledore: N-no sherbet lemons? NONE?!? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Lupin: Relax, I'll get us something to eat when the full moon cones out.
Cedric: But I want food NOW!
Harry: Fine, here's the plan: Baron, scan the island and find some food. Percy, Fred and Draco get the food and bring it back. Sirius can play fetch and get the wood for the fire. Everyone else builds the fort.
Tribe Winky (2)
Dudley: I'm hungry mom! I'm hungry!
Petunia: Oh sweetums, I'm sure that ugly boy over there will get you something to eat…
Ron: I have a better idea. Let's eat him!
Snape: I second that!
Cho: *sniff* It's been one hour, nine minutes and fifty-eight…no, fifty-nine seconds since I kissed Cedric last. One more hour and I'll want to kiss just about anything. NOOOO! My mascara's coming off!
Petunia: Someone should give that girl a good slap.
Hagrid: Hey! I have food!
Dudley: WE'RE SAVED!
Lockhart: Not if you can't eat slightly squished cake with green icing. The guys back at Wizard Watchers would kill me!
Cho: Ugh, Wizard Watchers is sooo dumb. Jenny Hag has much better results in half the time!
Lockhart: Hey, thanks for the tip Cho!
*McGonagall stares icily from underneath a palm tree*
Snape: How long has she been doing that?
Cho: Exactly two hours and one minute. You know Severus, you're strangely attractive-
Ron: *AHEM* WELL, I suppose we should be off to Tribal Council…
TRIBAL COUNCIL
J.K. Rowling: Welcome to your first tribal council guys. When we leave, one of us is going to be voted off the island. So is everyone ready to vote?
Harry: So who are you anyways?
Rowling: Excuse me, but I'm J.K. Rowling. Everyone knows me! I'm the author of the Harry Potter series.
Ron: *gasp* J.K. ROWLING! I'm your biggest fan!!! I have all the books! And I have Harry Potter shampoo, Harry Potter bed sheets, Harry Potter posters, Harry Potter the action figure-
Harry: So what you're saying is that if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't exist?
Rowling: That's right. I have complete control over YOUR DESTINY! Mwahahaha! Right then, time to vote…
*1 week later*
Rowling: Well, it's been a week and so far there's been seven people voted off the island. Let's recap, shall we?
Professor McGonagall: Everyone agreed that if she was just going to stare icily from underneath a tree then there was no point in keeping her around!
Aunt Petunia: she was always…staring, if you get my drift.
Lupin: Too many dog fights with Snuffles.
The Bloody Baron: Well, he didn't have to be fed, but he just couldn't do anything because he was a ghost.
Cedric Diggory: Because he was a prig.
Percy: He was a prig too. Remember?
Colin Creevy: He took…pictures, if you get my drift.
Tribe Dobby Day 7
Harry: Pass the unicorn please!
Draco: You idiot, you can't eat unicorn!
Harry: Why not?
Draco: Because you didn't help with the hunt!
Harry: That's because I was too busy making more cloth for Quirrel's new turban! We used his old one to make a leash for Sirius, remember?
Quirrel: You were not! You told me to go and find some banana peels and a few leaves and make something out of that!
Sirius: You leave my godson out of this! I clearly remember you saying that Voldemort was getting a rash and that you needed some Aloe Vera leaves!
Valerie, Princess of Hogwarts: Hey, shut up over there! I think Eiffel 65's on the radio1
Harry: You mean that old coconut Fred bewitched actually works?
Valerie, Princess of Hogwarts: You bet. And hey, while you're up Harry, can you get me a slab of centaur please?
Harry: Sure. White or dark meat?
Valerie, Princess of Hogwarts: White please. Thank you!
Harry: Hey Sirius, can you pass the knife please? Hey…wait a minute…I don't remember any Sirius: Oh, that's because you won't meet me until the next book. I'm your godfather.
Harry: Ahh, whatever.
Fred: Hey dudes, the next challenge is starting!
*At Aragog's tree house*
Ron: Hey Harry!
Harry: Ron! We've got to get out of here! This is driving me NUTS!
Ron: But Harry, there's NO WAY we can get out of here without getting digested or something.
Harry: We'll have to take that chance. Besides, I have an idea…
*later, walking through the Forbidden Forest*
Ron: Remind me again why we're walking through the Forbidden Forest with our thumbs sticking up…?
Harry: It's called hitchhiking Ron. Somebody who sees us will give us a lift.
Ron: Who goes for a drive in the Forbidden Forest on a Sunday morning!?!
Harry: Well, we can always walk.
*In the Great Hall*
Harry: Ron, get your head out of that turkey and listen to me! I need to know what we have to do next, or if Hermione dies or something!
Ron: *POP* Why do you care whether or not Hermione dies? Do you have a crush on her or something?
Harry: Um, NO! Of course not! But I refuse to do any research on my own!
Hermione: Oh hi Harry. I thought you were on Survivor: Forbidden Forest.
Harry: Hermione! How's the Polyjuice potion?
Hermione: Nevermind that! We're in big trouble with Chris Columbus!
Ron: What about him? He's been dead for centuries.
Hermione: He's the director. He wants to know where the HELL in the script does it say ANYTHING about Forbidden Forest survivor!
Harry: It's alright Hermione…he didn't complain about the Spice Girls, now did he?
Hermione: You're right. Now…to the girl's bathroom!
*In the girl's bathroom*
Hermione: Okay, I got the hairs from Crabbe and Goyle. You two will turn into them when you drink this potion.
Harry: Er, Hermione, how exactly did you get these hairs?
Hermione: You don't ask and I won't tell you. Anyways, I'll drink mine first, to see if it works.
*Hermione walks into Moaning Myrtle's stall*
Harry: Psst, Ron, do you see that engraving on that sink? Looks like a snake. Wonder if it has anything to do with the Chamber of Secrets?
Ron: You're right Harry, that's the secret entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. Let's sneak in without Hermione. I'll bet she'll be miffed when she sees that we saved the day without her!
Harry: Will she ever!
*So Harry and Ron descend into the depths of the Chamber of Secrets, and snoop around there until they see a large door with the engravings of snakes*
Harry: Wow this place is smelly. Maybe it has something to do with being in the sewage system.
Ron: Actually, I farted. My bad.
Harry: Anyways…sorry Ron, but you can't come with me.
Ron: Why not?
Harry: Because I always have to face Voldemort alone. It is my DESTINY!
Ron: I guess if you have to go by yourself, that's cool with me. Good luck.
Harry: Okay. If I don't come back, tell Hermione that…um…
Ron: *eagerly* Yes? Yes?
Harry: That she has a giant wart on her chin.
Ron: Oh. Okay. I will Harry.
*Harry opens the door and steps through. He then makes his way down a long passageway to where a limp figure of a girl is lying on the ground*
Harry: No way. It's Ginny.
Tom: That's right. It was all GINNY's FAULT!
Harry: Who are you?
Tom: I'm Tom. Tom Marvolo Riddle. I am Lord Voldemort.
Harry: So which one are you?
Tom: It's my name. The letters switch around to form 'I am Lord Voldemort'.
Harry: Hmm…Harry James Potter…Temporary jet rash! Hey, it's the best thing I could come up with in under five seconds.
Tom: Er right. Anyways, might as well explain the whole plot before I kill you off. You see, Slime Senior (Lucius Malfoy) gave Ginny this diary which my spirit is living in. Therefore I had a means to control her. She did everything I asked her to do!
Harry: Eww, you pervert!
Tom: Call me what you like, I am after all the bad guy.
Harry: So I were to destroy this diary that's lying on the ground right in front of me, that would kill you right?
Tom: That's right. Wait, hold on! DON'T KILL ME!!! AAAH!!!
Harry: Sucker.
*A giant basilisk then leaps out of the water*
Harry: Oh. I'll take that back I guess.
*Then suddenly Fawkes appears out of nowhere and pecks out the basilisks eyes. That means that Harry wins again! Yay!*
*A few weeks later*
McGonagall: Unfortunately, Dumbledore has died of lemon drop overdose, so I am here to announce the winner of the House Cup!
Harry: THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!
McGonagall: and the winner is…Gryffindor! Oh yeah, and it looks like the winner of Survivor: Forbidden Forest is Cho Chang, because everyone else ran out of the forest. *sigh*
THE END
Romance at Hogwarts
Chapter 2: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Narrator: This ridiculously far-fetched tale begins shortly after Harry and Ron realize that they've missed the train. Of course as usual, Harry has spent an eventful summer at the Dursleys where he meets a psycho self-mutilating house-elf who smashes a pudding on the Dursleys house guests.
…
I mean it! I'm not lying! Honest! Well fine, it's not my fault…look at the material I had to work with! Smashing puddings, large slimy boy-eating snakes, black candles with blue flames, a supermodel acting as a teacher, and the quote 'smartest' girl in the school falling for it…oh hold on, right, missing the train…
Harry: *beep* we've missed the train!
…
You can stop banging your head against the wall Ron.
Ron: NO! Fred has my luggage! *wham* He can't *bam* show mum *whack* my copies of Playwizard! *wham*
Harry: CALM DOWN! Er, I have them with me. I stole them from your bag. There were 20 copies, right?
Ron: Harry, you only saw 20 copies. I took your invisible cloak and draped it over the rest of them!
(Muffled voice from behind wall): RON WEASELEEEY!
Ron: Fred's dead meat!
Harry: Ron, you left Scabbers in your bag.
Ron: Okay fine, Fred can wait. But let me get this straight: we have no invisibility cloak, no Scabbers, and NO PLAYWIZARD?!?!?!
Harry: It's okay Ron. We just need to find a way to get to Hogwarts, and we'll get our luggage back when we get there.
Ron: What about Hedwig? We could attach a…um…
Harry: We don't have Hedwig either!
(Fred from the other side of the wall): Hey mum, look, its Harry's invisibility cloak!
Ron: Actually I say we run for it now and discuss later!
Harry: Why? She can't get to us…
Ron: No, but who knows what will happen if dad figures out that those were his copies-
*CRUMBLE*
(Followed by two minutes of unprintable obscenity, and Harry and Ron running for dear life)
*two minutes later, Ron and Harry are gasping for breath outside the station in a large tree*
Harry: I'm surprised Mr. Weasely can swear that well considering he's never watched a minute of TV in his life!
Ron: D'you think we can get back to the…er…remains of Platform 9 and ¾ and catch the train?
Harry: I don't think so. The muggles would be all over us. And anyways, I think I have an idea…
Ron: What?
Harry: How about we jinx a car…then we can fly to Hogwarts!
Ron: OOOH! Let's jinx the Spice Bus!
Harry: No, wait, how about the Bat Car!
Ron: The Bat Car? Couldn't we just use the Bat Helicopter instead? I'm confused…
Harry: You're right, it's too confusing. Let's stick with the Spice Bus plan.
Ron: One thing though…we'll have to wait until the Spice Girls are gone. That might take a while, considering they practically LIVE in there.
Harry: Who said we had to leave the Spice Girls behind?
Ron:…I see…
Harry: Right then, let's go…
*later*
Harry: Hey check it out Ron! 50 DVD's and a TV! I'm SO watching the Fellowship of the Ring!
Ron: Normally, I would say 'go ahead, Harry'; however I do hope you realize that YOU ARE FLYING THE CAR!
Harry: Bus. It's a bus, Ron.
Ron: I knew that.
Harry: *sigh* I wish Hermione were here…
Ron: Why the hell would you want Hermione here?
Harry: Oh, just because she would be the one driving, and I would be able to sit back and make fun of her for awhile. This is so boring without her!
Ron: I wonder what she's doing now…
Harry: RON. NO FLASHBACKS.
Ron: FINE! So where are the DVD's anyways?
Harry: *long silence*…sorry?
Ron: Harry, take your headphones off!
Harry: Wha-?
Ron: Harry, watch out for that bridge!
Harry: Sorry, wait a minute, I can't hear you-
*BAM*
*Ten minutes later, Harry wakes up in the back on a fluffy pink fuzzy Spice Pillow. Ron has the wheel.*
Harry: This is getting more random by the minute. Er, Ron, you know you don't have to signal to a flock of pigeons.
Ron: You want to do my job? Be my guest.
*Harry gets up and starts to move towards the front*
Ron: Nevermind! You're going to get us killed. Go and play with the Spice Girls.
Harry: Ron, we locked them in the fridge, remember? They were trying to stab us with their high heels!
Ron: Fine! Just sit down and read some Playwizard!
*some time later*
Harry: Hey, take a look at this Ron!
Ron: Harry, I'm trying to drive…
Harry: Come on, look! These witches are bitches!
*WHAM*
Harry: Niice going Ron!
Ron: Okay…like that was MY fault!
Harry: EW, who farted!
Large tree: Not me!
Ron: *in that really annoying high voice* H-h-harry!
Harry: What? What did you say?
Ron: Harry, will you PLEASE take your headphones off!
Harry: No way! I love this song! So 'Stop right now, thank you very much'
Large Tree: Oh, don't mind me. I'm Treebeard. I'm an Ent.
Ron: Right.
Treebeard: I'm filling in for the Whomping Willow.
Ron: Right.
Treebeard: No seriously. Haven't you seen The Lord of the Rings?
Ron: Hold on. Wasn't that the movie that we ripped off of?
Treebeard: What do you mean?
Harry: Well, there's an evil sorcerer referred to as "Dark Lord" who desires to regain physical shape, a wise old wizard with a long gray beard and a wizard hat, a birthday that involves 1's sets off events (my 11th and Bilbo's 111th) an inherited invisibility device, a dog named Fang, evil, creepy hooded creatures, deceased parents, a giant spider, a bad guy with a "wormy" name, a small, pitiable creature who talks in third person, goblins, a dangerous willow tree, powerful, life saving swords and a scar from evil forces.
Treebeard: Wow. You really did your research.
Harry: And don't even get me started on Harry Potter vs. Star Wars…
Treebeard: Er, thanks, I'm good. Um, you should be going now. After all, I'm supposed to be trying to kill you, right?
Ron: Really?
Treebeard: Well, it's what's in the script.
Harry: RUN FOR IT!!!
*they run towards the school*
Ron: Hold on, what about the Spice Girls?
Harry: Aww, everyone hates them anyways. Let's leave them.
*they run for it, and are caught by Snape*
*in Snape's dungeon…*
Snape: *adjusts boxers* Well, well, well.
Ron: Well?
Snape: Well, I don't think I need to say anything.
Harry: Well don't then.
Snape: Well fine. You're expelled.
Ron: Well wait just a minute! You can't expel us!
Snape: Well see. I mean…well, you know what I mean!
Harry: Can we stop? The word well is beginning to lose its meaning!
Ron: Hehe…well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well
Harry: STOPPIT!
*later*
Snape: Dammit. I can't expel you this year. Or any year for that matter. If I did, then J.K Rowling wouldn't be able to write any more Harry Potter books, and then she'd kill me off in a fit of rage. At least, that's what the book said.
Ron: Um, what book?
Snape: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, of course!
Ron: *gasp* WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!?!?!
Snape: I'm not telling! Na na na na na na!
Ron: On the count of three. One…two…
*Ron swipes the book out of Snape's hands and he and Harry run for it*
Snape: Well, that's one way of getting it. *yells after them* Fine! GO ALREADY! I'm late for my grease shower as it is!
*meanwhile, Ron and Harry have just entered the Gryffindor Common Room…*
Ron: Phew! It's sure good to be back to the real plot!
Harry: What are you talking about, Ron?
Ron: According to this book, we were supposed to just take dad's car to Hogwarts.
Harry: Oh. Oops.
Ron: Oh, forget it. We're back on track now. So what have you been doing over the summer holiday?
Harry: Well, when I was at the Dursleys, this strange creature visited me in my bedroom. He seemed quite intent on killing himself, actually…
Ron: Harry, no flashbacks, remember?
Harry: Too late!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*In Harry's bedroom, in Surrey*
Harry: Sorry Hedwig, I can't find the stupid keys to your cage. Think you can survive on birdseed?
Hedwig: *grumble hoot*
*suddenly from out of the closet, a small ragged creature appears*
Harry: And just who the hell are you?
Gollum: Nasty stupid fat hobbitses, calling me names-
Harry: Er, what's a hobbit? And who ARE you?
Gollum: I am Sméagol, precious! Were is the stupid fat hobbit?!
Harry: Right. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're in the wrong movie or something…
Gollum: Wait…you're Harry Potter. Um…whoops!
*Gollum disappears into the closet again. Dobby appears.*
Harry: You know, whoever you are, that was a really bad practical joke.
Dobby: Oh sorry. My bad.
Harry: Right. So who are you?
Dobby: Oh, I'm Dobby. I'm a depressed house elf.
Harry: House elf…?
Dobby: We are depressed Goth elves bound to our master. The only way we can be freed from a lifetime of meaningless work is to have someone present us with 'preppy clothes'.
Harry: Oh yeah, I noticed all the studs and black clothing. Is that your uniform?
Dobby: I suppose. Now listen, I have a message for you. Don't go back to school. You are in great danger. Okay, I'm leaving now. I'm bored.
Harry: What's wrong with school?
Dobby: You don't learn anything useful for the real world. You should be living right now, while you're still living. *sigh*
Harry: You're terribly depressing; you know that, don't you?
Dobby: What can I say; it's a living. I don't have a house or a family…I live out on the streets… life isn't what it's cracked up to be. Well anyways, you heard me, so I'm leaving now. Don't try to stop me.
Harry: Er, right. Goodbye, I guess…
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry: So what do you think?
Ron: I think you're nuts.
Harry: Let's go to the dorm now and get some sleep. We have Herbology in the morning…
*Herbology in the morning*
Sprout: Hello. By some strange coincidence, my name is Professor Sprout, and I am the Herbology teacher. Today we will be potting Mandrakes!
Hermione: Hey guys! I heard you got a month's worth of detention. Ouch.
Ron: Hullo.
Harry: Hullo. Yeah. I'm surprised the Spice Girls didn't sue us too.
Ron: Shh, Sprout's talking again!
Sprout: Now who here can tell me the properties of a Mandrake besides Hermione?
Hermione: OH, PICK ME PICK ME!!!
Sprout: It's alright, Hermione. Mandrakes are useful in counteracting the effects of paralysis. Now everyone, grab a pair of earmuffs.
*everyone does*
Sprout: Now here's a Mandrake for everyone. Now on the count of three, we will pull the Mandrakes out and deposit them into a bigger pot. One…two…
Harry: ELEVEN!
Sprout: Very funny Potter. Three!
Harry: *shouting* Look! The plants…they're BABIES!
Ron: Hey, Harry, that one looks just like you!
Harry: Shut up Ron!
Ron: Oh, don't you start THAT again…
Harry: Hey, look, that one kinda looks like Hermione!
Ron: Hehe!
Hermione: You guys are SO immature.
Harry + Ron: *snicker*
Sprout: Well done! Ten points to Gryffindor! Now hurry along, the bell's about to ring anyways…
*lunchtime at the Gryffindor table*
Ron: I just realized my wand's broken! I must've done it in the car crash.
Harry: Bus, Ron. BUS crash. MY question is…what did it break on?
Ron: Hehe…maybe on your thick skull!
Harry: Shut up Ron!
Fred: Ew, check it out, Percy's kissing Penelope again.
Harry: I'd rather not, thank you.
Ron: Here come the owls again.
Hermione: Uh-oh Ron, you got a Howler…
Harry: Hey, what's a Howler?
Ron: You don't want know. Well, here goes…
Mrs. Weasely: RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KILL OFF THE SPICE GIRLS-
Harry: I knew we'd never hear the end of this…
Hermione: Cheer up Harry. How worse can things possibly get?
*Defense against the Dark Arts class*
Lockhart: Welcome to Defense against the Dark Arts class!
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: I see you've all bought the complete set of my books, as I told you to.
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: So I suppose we can have a little quiz to see how much you've been reading up on me and my lifestyle…
*several girls scream and faint as Lockhart passes out the tests*
Harry: This is what I call worse Hermione.
…Hermione? Hello? Are you alright Hermione?
Ron: She's in some sort of daze, I think. The only thing she's been saying is something about how ugly Snape is after all…
Harry: Oh no. Don't tell me Hermione has a crush on this loser!
Lockhart: Quiet please.
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: You have thirty minutes, now go!
*several girls scream and faint*
Harry: Look at these questions! *reads* what is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
Ron: Um…plaid?
Harry: Just when we thought things couldn't possibly get any better…
*later, Harry Ron and Hermione are walking back to the dorm*
Harry: Can you believe that? Malfoy on the Quidditch team?
Hermione: Relax Harry…you can beat him easily.
Harry: Why are you so confident in my Quidditch skills all of a sudden?
Hermione: Ron told me that according to his book, the Slytherins don't win once this year.
Ron: And you can probably guess that I've made my bets already. And-Ooooh, look! Scary mysterious writing on the walls!
Harry: Ron, you don't have one scrap of dramatic flair, do you?
Hermione: Someone spray-painted the walls! I'M TELLING!
Harry: I think its blood Hermione.
Ron: *smack* yep, tastes like blood.
Harry: Ron, will you please stop trying to eat everything!
*suddenly, some teachers arrive on the scene*
McGonagall: Oh no! Ron ate the evidence!
Dumbledore: Awww, he must be hungry. Have a sherbet lemon Ron.
Hermione: *ahem* we have a situation on our hands. Judging from the white feathers encrusted into the blood, I'd say that this is chicken blood. Oh look, there's Hagrid now. Why don't we ask him!
Hagrid: Why hello Hermione!
Hermione: Hagrid, um, have you been missing any, um, chickens?
Hagrid: Uh oh, those feathers look familiar…oh no! PRISSY!
*Hagrid runs away crying*
Hermione: *coughs* Okay, so we now know that somebody stole, um, Prissy, and painted these words on the wall with its blood. So the question is, who would do such a thing?
Ron: I know! GINNY DID IT!
*Harry and Hermione burst out laughing. Ron joins in*
Harry: Ha! Ginny! That's hilarious!
Hermione: Yeah, good one Ron!
Harry: *wipes tear from eye* Well now that we've stopped laughing, let's ask another question…what is the 'Chamber of Secrets' ?
Ron: Well my guess is that it's a Chamber of Secrets.
*Ron and Harry collapse in a pile in hysterics, while Hermione stomps off*
*the next day in Transfiguration class*
McGonagall: Yes, Hermione?
Hermione: Professor, what is the Chamber of Secrets?
McGonagall: Why Hermione, it's a Chamber of Secrets of course!
Harry: Well that sure was helpful.
Ron: *snicker*
Hermione: Please Ms. McGonagall, what exactly is it?
McGonagall: Well it's a secret chamber constructed by Salazar Slytherin -
Harry: Whoa, ridiculous name alert!
McGonagall: And only the heir of Slytherin can open it.
Harry: Well obviously Malfoy is the heir of Slytherin, so he's obviously opened it.
Ron: I always thought that Malfoy was the heir of dung, but that's just me.
McGonagall: Right. Well class, there's the bell. Of to lunch you go!
*on the way to the Great Hall*
Hermione: Hey Harry, you coming to the Dueling Club?
Harry: No thanks. I don't feel like it.
Malfoy: Hey Harry, you coming to the Dueling Club?
Harry: Absolutely, See you there.
*the Dueling Club*
Lockhart: Welcome to the Dueling Club!
*several girls scream and faint*
Harry: God not this again…
Ron: Where in the name of Christ is he getting all those girls from?!?!
Harry: Actually, that's an excellent question Ron. I'll have to ask him for future reference in my dating career. Hehe…
Ron: Yeah, in the future all right, because there sure isn't any dating career of yours right now!
Harry: Shut up Ron!
Lockhart My name is Professor Lockhart and I will be your Dueling instructor.
*several girls scream and faint*
Lockhart: As will Professor Snape.
*several students scream and faint*
Snape: Well, I suppose to get started we should have a demonstration. Malfoy? Potter?
*Malfoy and Harry step up onto the table*
Malfoy: Scared Potter?
Harry: No! I'm not afraid of girls!
Ron: Hehe…one Harry, nothing Malfoy...
*followed by five minutes in which nothing of Harry or Malfoy can be seen behind the large cloud of dust that they have formed*
Lockhart: Attack with your wands, dammit! …No! I didn't mean for you to spear each other! Cast spells!
HISSSSSSSS….
Malfoy: Mwahaha! I have conjured an invincible boy-eating snake!
*the snake turns to bite a student….*
Harry: Haaaasiithrraaaaa… (Translation: That's right! Go for Cedric!)
Hermione: What? Harry's a Parselmouth?
Ron: What's a Parsleymouth?
Hermione: It means that he can talk to snakes, idiot!
Ron: Is he egging the snake on or something?
Hermione: Harry wouldn't do that…oh good, Snape conjured it away.
*later*
Hermione: Harry, you're a Parselmouth!
Harry: What's a Parsleymouth?
Hermione: It means that you can talk to snakes! Only the heir of Slytherin can talk to snakes!
Ron: That must make you the heir of Slytherin, eh?
Harry: No, really.
Hermione: Well nevermind that…I noticed something when Filch's cat was attacked the other night. There were a large number of spiders running out a crack in the window…I don't get it. So then I decided to do some research, and I didn't find anything. I was very disappointed, but then I saw a book on Polyjuice Potion.
Harry: Will that give us the power to talk to spiders?
Hermione: No…but it does allow us to transform into different people. I think we should sneak into the Slytherin common room and ask Malfoy what's going on. The potion will take a month to make, so I'll brew it. Meanwhile, you two go into the Forbidden Forest and track the spiders.
Harry: Fair enough. See you in a bit.
*later that night in the forest*
Harry: Ugh, so many spiders. I wonder where they're all going?
Ron: *points* that way, I think.
Harry: You KNOW what I meant, Ron. You seem a little on edge. Are you afraid of spiders?
Ron: Only giant ones with venom dripping from their fangs... like that one right in front of us! *meep*
Aragog: Oh, who? Me? I'm just the host of…Forbidden Forest Survivor!
Harry: What the hell is Forbidden Forest Survivor?!
Aragog: Come on, you don't watch Survivor? Everybody watches Survivor!
Ron: Yeah Harry, what's wrong with you?
Aragog: So, as I was saying…
Tribe 1 Includes Harry Potter, Sirius Black, Valerie Princess of Hogwarts, Percy Weasely, Fred Weasely, Draco Malfoy, Cedric Diggory, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore, Professor Quirrel and the Bloody Baron.
Tribe 2 consists of Ron Weasely, Cho Chang, Professor Lockhart, Severus Snape, Colin Creevy, George Weasely, Aunt Petunia, Dudley, Ms. McGonagall and Hagrid.
Let the Games Begin!
Day 1 Tribe Dobby (1)
Harry: Right. Okay guys, we need food, a fire and shelter. Who wants to get food?
Dumbledore: Harry, we don't need food. I have a year's supply of sherbet lemons in my pocket.
Harry: Check your pocket again professor. Dudley secretly looted your sherbet lemon stash while you were chasing after Fawkes!
Dumbledore: N-no sherbet lemons? NONE?!? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Lupin: Relax, I'll get us something to eat when the full moon cones out.
Cedric: But I want food NOW!
Harry: Fine, here's the plan: Baron, scan the island and find some food. Percy, Fred and Draco get the food and bring it back. Sirius can play fetch and get the wood for the fire. Everyone else builds the fort.
Tribe Winky (2)
Dudley: I'm hungry mom! I'm hungry!
Petunia: Oh sweetums, I'm sure that ugly boy over there will get you something to eat…
Ron: I have a better idea. Let's eat him!
Snape: I second that!
Cho: *sniff* It's been one hour, nine minutes and fifty-eight…no, fifty-nine seconds since I kissed Cedric last. One more hour and I'll want to kiss just about anything. NOOOO! My mascara's coming off!
Petunia: Someone should give that girl a good slap.
Hagrid: Hey! I have food!
Dudley: WE'RE SAVED!
Lockhart: Not if you can't eat slightly squished cake with green icing. The guys back at Wizard Watchers would kill me!
Cho: Ugh, Wizard Watchers is sooo dumb. Jenny Hag has much better results in half the time!
Lockhart: Hey, thanks for the tip Cho!
*McGonagall stares icily from underneath a palm tree*
Snape: How long has she been doing that?
Cho: Exactly two hours and one minute. You know Severus, you're strangely attractive-
Ron: *AHEM* WELL, I suppose we should be off to Tribal Council…
TRIBAL COUNCIL
J.K. Rowling: Welcome to your first tribal council guys. When we leave, one of us is going to be voted off the island. So is everyone ready to vote?
Harry: So who are you anyways?
Rowling: Excuse me, but I'm J.K. Rowling. Everyone knows me! I'm the author of the Harry Potter series.
Ron: *gasp* J.K. ROWLING! I'm your biggest fan!!! I have all the books! And I have Harry Potter shampoo, Harry Potter bed sheets, Harry Potter posters, Harry Potter the action figure-
Harry: So what you're saying is that if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't exist?
Rowling: That's right. I have complete control over YOUR DESTINY! Mwahahaha! Right then, time to vote…
*1 week later*
Rowling: Well, it's been a week and so far there's been seven people voted off the island. Let's recap, shall we?
Professor McGonagall: Everyone agreed that if she was just going to stare icily from underneath a tree then there was no point in keeping her around!
Aunt Petunia: she was always…staring, if you get my drift.
Lupin: Too many dog fights with Snuffles.
The Bloody Baron: Well, he didn't have to be fed, but he just couldn't do anything because he was a ghost.
Cedric Diggory: Because he was a prig.
Percy: He was a prig too. Remember?
Colin Creevy: He took…pictures, if you get my drift.
Tribe Dobby Day 7
Harry: Pass the unicorn please!
Draco: You idiot, you can't eat unicorn!
Harry: Why not?
Draco: Because you didn't help with the hunt!
Harry: That's because I was too busy making more cloth for Quirrel's new turban! We used his old one to make a leash for Sirius, remember?
Quirrel: You were not! You told me to go and find some banana peels and a few leaves and make something out of that!
Sirius: You leave my godson out of this! I clearly remember you saying that Voldemort was getting a rash and that you needed some Aloe Vera leaves!
Valerie, Princess of Hogwarts: Hey, shut up over there! I think Eiffel 65's on the radio1
Harry: You mean that old coconut Fred bewitched actually works?
Valerie, Princess of Hogwarts: You bet. And hey, while you're up Harry, can you get me a slab of centaur please?
Harry: Sure. White or dark meat?
Valerie, Princess of Hogwarts: White please. Thank you!
Harry: Hey Sirius, can you pass the knife please? Hey…wait a minute…I don't remember any Sirius: Oh, that's because you won't meet me until the next book. I'm your godfather.
Harry: Ahh, whatever.
Fred: Hey dudes, the next challenge is starting!
*At Aragog's tree house*
Ron: Hey Harry!
Harry: Ron! We've got to get out of here! This is driving me NUTS!
Ron: But Harry, there's NO WAY we can get out of here without getting digested or something.
Harry: We'll have to take that chance. Besides, I have an idea…
*later, walking through the Forbidden Forest*
Ron: Remind me again why we're walking through the Forbidden Forest with our thumbs sticking up…?
Harry: It's called hitchhiking Ron. Somebody who sees us will give us a lift.
Ron: Who goes for a drive in the Forbidden Forest on a Sunday morning!?!
Harry: Well, we can always walk.
*In the Great Hall*
Harry: Ron, get your head out of that turkey and listen to me! I need to know what we have to do next, or if Hermione dies or something!
Ron: *POP* Why do you care whether or not Hermione dies? Do you have a crush on her or something?
Harry: Um, NO! Of course not! But I refuse to do any research on my own!
Hermione: Oh hi Harry. I thought you were on Survivor: Forbidden Forest.
Harry: Hermione! How's the Polyjuice potion?
Hermione: Nevermind that! We're in big trouble with Chris Columbus!
Ron: What about him? He's been dead for centuries.
Hermione: He's the director. He wants to know where the HELL in the script does it say ANYTHING about Forbidden Forest survivor!
Harry: It's alright Hermione…he didn't complain about the Spice Girls, now did he?
Hermione: You're right. Now…to the girl's bathroom!
*In the girl's bathroom*
Hermione: Okay, I got the hairs from Crabbe and Goyle. You two will turn into them when you drink this potion.
Harry: Er, Hermione, how exactly did you get these hairs?
Hermione: You don't ask and I won't tell you. Anyways, I'll drink mine first, to see if it works.
*Hermione walks into Moaning Myrtle's stall*
Harry: Psst, Ron, do you see that engraving on that sink? Looks like a snake. Wonder if it has anything to do with the Chamber of Secrets?
Ron: You're right Harry, that's the secret entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. Let's sneak in without Hermione. I'll bet she'll be miffed when she sees that we saved the day without her!
Harry: Will she ever!
*So Harry and Ron descend into the depths of the Chamber of Secrets, and snoop around there until they see a large door with the engravings of snakes*
Harry: Wow this place is smelly. Maybe it has something to do with being in the sewage system.
Ron: Actually, I farted. My bad.
Harry: Anyways…sorry Ron, but you can't come with me.
Ron: Why not?
Harry: Because I always have to face Voldemort alone. It is my DESTINY!
Ron: I guess if you have to go by yourself, that's cool with me. Good luck.
Harry: Okay. If I don't come back, tell Hermione that…um…
Ron: *eagerly* Yes? Yes?
Harry: That she has a giant wart on her chin.
Ron: Oh. Okay. I will Harry.
*Harry opens the door and steps through. He then makes his way down a long passageway to where a limp figure of a girl is lying on the ground*
Harry: No way. It's Ginny.
Tom: That's right. It was all GINNY's FAULT!
Harry: Who are you?
Tom: I'm Tom. Tom Marvolo Riddle. I am Lord Voldemort.
Harry: So which one are you?
Tom: It's my name. The letters switch around to form 'I am Lord Voldemort'.
Harry: Hmm…Harry James Potter…Temporary jet rash! Hey, it's the best thing I could come up with in under five seconds.
Tom: Er right. Anyways, might as well explain the whole plot before I kill you off. You see, Slime Senior (Lucius Malfoy) gave Ginny this diary which my spirit is living in. Therefore I had a means to control her. She did everything I asked her to do!
Harry: Eww, you pervert!
Tom: Call me what you like, I am after all the bad guy.
Harry: So I were to destroy this diary that's lying on the ground right in front of me, that would kill you right?
Tom: That's right. Wait, hold on! DON'T KILL ME!!! AAAH!!!
Harry: Sucker.
*A giant basilisk then leaps out of the water*
Harry: Oh. I'll take that back I guess.
*Then suddenly Fawkes appears out of nowhere and pecks out the basilisks eyes. That means that Harry wins again! Yay!*
*A few weeks later*
McGonagall: Unfortunately, Dumbledore has died of lemon drop overdose, so I am here to announce the winner of the House Cup!
Harry: THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!
McGonagall: and the winner is…Gryffindor! Oh yeah, and it looks like the winner of Survivor: Forbidden Forest is Cho Chang, because everyone else ran out of the forest. *sigh*
THE END