It had been three years. Three years since you had seen or heard from her. Three years and you still were just as in love with her as the first time you kissed her in high school. It felt like only yesterday that you and the blonde were hand-in-hand, laughing and flirting while picking out an apartment in Chicago. Could it really have been three years? How fucking pathetic. She's probably with someone right now, you think, doing all the things we used to. The thought alone makes you shudder.
Time is a crazy thing. Three years can really feel like 30 when you're stuck in a life of memories. All you can do is think about Brittany. Whether it's simply remembering how gorgeous she is or replaying her dancing through the kitchen singing "Ain't No Mountain High" at the top of her lungs; the blonde never escapes your mind. Out of everything that goes through your head, the one thing that you think about the most is what went wrong. In your six years of being together, you could count the number of actual fights you had with her on one hand. So why did it end? You'd think three years would be enough time for you to figure it out, but that question still haunts you.
Yes, you admit that having a girlfriend who's a professional dancer that constantly goes on tour was not the easiest thing. It meant a lot of phone calls, skype conversations, and even more loneliness. But for you, it was all worth it. Brittany was your soul mate. Who wouldn't go through a few tough weeks to spend the next few with the hottest girl in the world? It was a no brainer for you. And you couldn't be more proud of Brittany for living out her dreams. Watching her perform on stage in front of thousands of people doing what she loved the most made you happier than almost anything in the world.
When you were in college, you were busy with classes so being away from Brittany wasn't all that bad. You graduated with a bachelors degree in business, but with the shitty economy you were never able to find a steady job. Since your best friend Puck was the owner of a bar & grill called Fat Bottoms, he hooked you up with a job. It was pretty awesome working for him because he gave you extra shifts and paid you pretty well for being just a hostess.
You thought that after a few years you and your girlfriend had finally gotten used to the touring life, but things took a turn for the worse when Brittany came home in February after finishing a winter tour. She had a three week break before she had to leave again for a short spring tour, and you couldn't wait to spend those three weeks soaking up every moment with her that you could. But something was different. She was different. She was distant. She never seemed to be completely present, it was like part of her was somewhere else. You couldn't help but notice that you felt like she was hiding something. Her kisses were empty. At night you searched to find the Brittany you remembered. The Brittany that couldn't wait to tear your clothes off and fool around. The Brittany who loved to be touched that certain way that you only you knew how. The Brittany who wanted to do nothing but fall asleep with you in her arms.
A few times you had caught her crying. When she wouldn't tell you what was wrong, you couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen..it was just a matter of time. You did the best that you could to compensate for this undeniable feeling. You tried to be the best girlfriend possible, doing everything that could think of to make her return to her old self. You surprised her with flowers, took her out to her favorite restaurants, and you even bought her a cat. She named him Mitten because, "it rhymes with Kitten!" And because his fur was all black except for his front right paw which was white. No matter how much you tried to despise the cat, Brittany's love for the thing made it irresistible. Despite your efforts, you ultimately saw her return to her newfound gloomy state.
After about a week of trying to ignore these signs, you finally decided to confront her. You remember the conversation perfectly. Hell, it was practically a tape that you rewound and watched a million times in your head. It was a Sunday night around 7 o'clock. You were wearing a Cubs t-shirt and jeans. She was wearing an old Cheerios sweatshirt and your black shorts. She had just showered so she smelled amazing. You were cutting up some vegetables for a salad while Brittany was looking through a photo album at the island in the kitchen. You caught her looking at a picture of the two of you in your old choir room in high school. She smiled briefly, but then a flash of sadness came over her face.
"Britt, what's wrong?" you asked, hoping that that simple question would lead to the answer you wanted.
"Nothing, why?" Brittany barely looked up from the photos, thinking nothing of the question.
"Look at me," you said, sternly, putting down the knife and focusing on the blonde. As Brittany's blue eyes met yours, you could see her realize what was coming. "I know you. I know something's wrong. You've been acting differently for a while now. Will you talk to me? I feel like we've been avoiding this conversation since you got home."
Brittany paused, it was clear that she was thinking about how she was going spit out what had been churning in her mind.
"I..I know," her voice was timid and full of heartache. "I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately, that's all."
"Thinking about what?" you asked, as you came around the counter and took a seat next to her at the island.
"Us, mostly," she said. Her short answer made you think that she was going to try and dismiss this talk.
"Care to elaborate?"
"Well..it's just, I just have been feeling like I don't know if I can keep up with the whole touring thing."
"What do you mean? You love touring."
"I know...I love the performing part. But the traveling..I hate the traveling. I hate being away from you," she confessed. You could see her blue eyes turn misty, "I hate leaving you and making you wait for me. I hate thinking that I'm holding you down. I hate thinking that I'm missing things at home. I hate thinking that you're going to meet someone else..someone available..someone who isn't gone all the time like me."
You scooted your chair closer and grabbed her hand, holding it with both of yours.
"B, that will never happen. You don't ever have to worry about that. I only have eyes for you, babe. I love you, no one else. You know that, don't you?"
"I know...I know that. And I love you too. But when I'm the road I can't stop myself from thinking that you would be better without me. I have nothing to do but think when I'm on the bus for hours or flying from airport to airport. I wake up in a different city and I wake up worrying about you. It's killing me. I don't know if I can do this anymore," her tears were unstoppable now.
"Well, don't think that kind of stuff," you said as you tried to comfort her. You held her hand tighter, "I could never be better without you..I would be nothing without you."
"I..I don't know.." she said, barely able to speak anymore.
"Come here," you said as you stood up and opened your arms. She stood up too, and you embraced her strongly, trying to make any uncertainty that she was feeling disappear. You fought back tears as you held her...was she really doubting your relationship? As she pulled away you had to make sure she believed you,
"Britt, you need to know that I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you so much. I love that you're on tour, I love that you're living your dream. And because of that, I can deal with a few lonely weeks. Please say you understand."
"Okay..I understand.." she said, looking down at your hands. She continued, her voice shaking, "I just love you. I love you so much that it hurts..and I don't know if it's supposed to be that way."
"Babe, it's okay," you said, softly. You hugged her again as you tried to think of words to say that would make her feel better. You tried but you couldn't because you loved her so much it hurt too. All of the pain that came with her traveling, it was all part of loving her. You ached for her when she was gone, and when she was here you dreaded her leaving again. It was tough, but if you knew anything, you knew that you belonged with Brittany.
"You're the only thing I care about," you whispered in her ear, arms still wrapped around her. She was crying harder now. You let her go and wiped her tears away.
"I know," she choked out. Her blue eyes had faded to gray, and you both sat there for a long time. Hands intertwined, time seemed to stop. You hoped what you said was enough to assure her that you were meant to be, that this wasn't a mistake.
After a while, she calmed down. Her eyes restored back to their normal state of blue and her breathing returned to its normal pattern. She looked at you, smiled, leaned in and kissed you. It was brief, but passionate. Her lips moved in sync with yours and you questioned how you could ever kiss anyone else in your life. As she pulled away, you kept your eyes closed, wishing it would never end. It was funny how one kiss from the blonde could make you forget that anything was wrong to begin with.
"Let's eat, shall we?" she said, as she walked around the counter to finish making dinner.
Relieved, you agreed.
The rest of the night went by quickly. Dinner was a blur of small talk blended with periods of awkwardness and accompanied by multiple glasses of wine. It was obvious that the two of you were still thinking about the conversation you'd just had. It seemed that you had convinced Brittany of your love, but you couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking. You kept telling yourself that everything would better in the morning. It would all be normal again then. But for now, worry took over. The more you drank, the more comfortable you both felt. By the time your plates were clean, you were more than a little tipsy.
You cleaned up while Brittany put in a movie and climbed into bed. Sleepy, hazy and warm, you joined her after changing into pajamas. Since you had spent the day working a double shift, you were too exhausted to do anything but sleep. You rolled over, faced Brittany and cuddled up next to her. You wrapped your arm around her waist and rested your head on her shoulder like you had thousands of times before.
"I love you," you said, feeling heavy. You looked into the blonde's crystal blue eyes to see that she was wide awake.
"I love you too," she said, and before your eyes closed for the night you noticed she was biting her lip, on the verge of tears. You wanted to stay awake, but you couldn't fight the sleep that stole you away.