Authors Note: All Right, here we go.
A personal challenge. As a sufferer of insomnia, I often have to find ways to keep myself busy and sane while my body refuses to allow me to sleep. Once, my girlfriend suggested I write a fic about Death and Peanut Butter. This is that fic. Obviously. You knew that. You read the title.
I wrote this thing between 3 am – 5 am after already being awake for more than 24 hours.
Unedited and raw. Hit me with your best shot ;)
Reviews are appreciated
"He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower."
- Terry Pratchett
Sasuke Uchiha was pissed. He was beyond pissed. He was filled with the kind of tranquil rage that only has one target: Naruto Uzumaki. He had no idea why the red-haired Oto kunoichi was splayed across his bed. He did not know how she got past the multiple defense seal arrays around the borders of the Uchiha district. Nor did he have any idea how she got into the main family's home and fallen asleep in his bed. No, all he knew for certain was that Naruto was somehow responsible for this.
He stormed through his home and found the soon-to-be-dead jinchūriki in his kitchen. The blond Chūnin was currently raiding his fridge.
"There is a girl…sleeping in my bed." Sasuke wondered if Naruto could recover from decapitation. Probably.
"Well, that's something I never thought I'd hear you say."
"What is she doing there?"
"Sleeping."
There were some days Sasuke could take Naruto's idiotic sarcasm and retaliate with no problem. Today was not one of those days.
Sasuke stared at Naruto in complete silence as the blond steadily emptied the contents of the Uchiha's fridge onto the floor and surrounding countertops. Then he pounced.
"Aaargh!"
Sasuke pinned Naruto to the hardwood floor by his throat. Before Naruto could react, Sasuke had drawn and placed a kunai to his throat. Sasuke's bruised body screamed in protest at the sudden movement.
"I am not in the mood, Naruto. I just want to rest which I was prevented from doing by the girl in my bed. Why is she there?"
"There's more than one bed, Sasuke. You have the whole damn district." Faint growls emanated from Naruto's throat. He struggled against the cold metal on his neck. He was vaguely aware of it cutting into him.
"It's my bed! You could've thrown her in any other one! Why mine?! You're such a nuisance!" Sasuke pressed the kunai deeper into Naruto's flesh.
"I didn't realize you minded me staying here so much."
Ouch.
Sasuke flinched at Naruto's response. Naruto took advantage of his momentary lapse and threw Sasuke off of him. The raven-haired Chūnin hit the floor with a grunt.
"That's not what I meant, dobe. I don't mind you…I don't care if you're… Look, just tell me why that girl is here."
Naruto massaged his throat and wiped away the blood. The gash had already healed completely.
"You know, just cause it heals doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, asshole. Why are Haku's clothes everywhere? Why does he keep coming here, even when you're away? Where the hell did all this peanut butter come from?"
"W-what? What are you talking about?" Sasuke turned away to hide his reddening cheeks.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not the only one who can ask questions."
"Just shut up."
For the first time since Sasuke entered, Naruto took the time to really look at him. Sasuke had been away for the last few weeks on an A-rank diplomacy mission. From the multiple bruises covering Sasuke, there had been obviously been less diplomacy and more Doton jutsu. That's how it was these days. If you were assigned a D-rank to deliver a letter down the street, it was pretty much inevitable you'd encounter three S-rank missing-nin on the way there.
Naruto shuffled closer to Sasuke and leaned against his friend. Without a word, he passed Sasuke one of the dozens of jars of peanut butter on the floor. Sasuke examined it for a moment before popping the lid off and jabbed the kunai into the jar. He took a generous amount of the creamy spread on his tongue before passing the kunai to Naruto.1
They sat in a companionable silence for several minutes as they passed a kunai of peanut butter back and forth.
Naruto was the first to break the silence.
"Haku?"
"Yeah. Tayuya?"
"Yup."
After several more passes, the kunai was licked completely clean. Naruto stabbed through another jar and passed it to Sasuke. Sasuke broke the silence this time.
"She tried to kill us."
"So did he."
"Touché."
Another pass, another lick. They were both aware of just how tired the other was. They sat shoulder to shoulder, supporting each other.
"You look like shit."
"You're one to talk. Have you seen yourself?"
"My scars are badass."
"You haven't been sleeping." It was an observation and an accusation.
"Neither have you. Besides, I don't think I have to."
Sasuke shifted slightly and glanced at Naruto.
"Don't have to?"
"Since…we escaped from Orochimaru. Something he did to me. Or maybe…maybe it was the Fox. I'm not entirely sure. I just…don't anymore. I can. But, not lately."
"I noticed."
Several more passes, several more licks. Sasuke contemplated the kitchen ceiling as he turned the delicious treat over his tongue again and again.
"You never said anything." Naruto's tone held a sharp undercurrent of accusation. Sasuke noticed and winced.
"What would I have said?"
"Touché."
They had gone through six jars of peanut butter. It truly was a remarkable substance. Where had it come from?
"Do you have something you want to say to me, Sasuke?"
"Am I that transparent?"
"You're not half as mysterious as you think you are. Face it, I can read you like a fucking book."
"I didn't know you could read. Good for you,"
"Shut up."
Naruto debated in his mind whether he liked the chunky or the creamy better. The creamy had a better consistency. But he loved the bits of peanuts in the chunky.
"I had to kill someone. Several people. Iwa shinobi. Chūnin, I believe. They ambushed the ambassador I was meeting with."
Naruto stayed silent. He knew there was more.
"I didn't feel anything. As I took their lives and their blood ran off my blade, I didn't feel a shred of remorse, or doubt, or triumph, or victory, or anything. They told us in the Academy it would get easier. They told us all of our negative emotions would be perfectly natural. That it'd get easier with time. When was it ever hard!? What's wrong with me!? I cut them down, like dozens of others and all I can ask myself is…what is supposed to be so hard about it!? Why can't I feel anything when I take their lives!? Other than cleaning your blade afterwards…what is so difficult?" The last of the Uchiha was visibly shaking by the end of his tirade. He spoke as if he was demanding answers from Naruto, or Kami, or the peanut butter on his hands.
Naruto said nothing. He placed his hand on Sasuke's shoulder and passed him the kunai. Naruto kept his hand on Sasuke until the he stopped trembling. Sasuke inhaled the peanut butter in front of him. For a moment, he considered the merits of chunky versus creamy peanut butter as a comfort food. Surely, there was no doubt creamy was the clear victor. However, chunky did have its benefits. Sasuke passed the kunai back to Naruto.
"I love it."
Sasuke glanced at his companion, worried for a moment. Naruto was staring off into space and the peanut butter remained untouched on the kunai.
"Before Orochimaru, it was just about the challenge. That's all I wanted. I wanted to fight someone better than me. To prove to myself and to prove to everyone I was strong. To get stronger, more powerful. I wanted to prove I was strong enough to be Hokage. I had to best everyone." He let loose a bitter laugh and passed Sasuke the untouched peanut butter kunai.
"Then, when I was there…it was different. I started to love it. You don't know what it was like in there. What it turned people into. If I hadn't had Tayuya…I started to love it for the sake of it. Being in Orochimaru's lair made me realize something. From the moment you're born, you're dying. For most people, it's slow and barely noticeable until you're almost there. But for us shinobi…how often do you see an old shinobi? I mean, really? There aren't that many still kicking around. We train every moment of our lives to cling to whatever meaning we give it. Our village, our headbands, our nindos. I started killing and I started feeling alive. I loved the way it felt when I snapped a neck or beat some poor bastard to death. You'd be surprised how often it happened in there. Or maybe not. I loved it. It made my heart beat so quickly. The closer I came to death the more alive I felt. I love it."
Naruto snatched the kunai from Sasuke and ate a copious amount of peanut butter. Chunky. Yum. Sasuke released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.
"Now I realize, the only thing we have is the people we care about. That's what's important. Our friends, ya know? But still…" His face broke into a slasher smile, "…I love it. The kill is just the cherry on top. It's the battle. It's coming as close as I can to death and handing it to them. That's what being alive is for me. I love every second of battle. It's fun, Sasuke. We're shinobi. We never back down, and we never surrender. Forget the killing. All I want to do is find someone stronger than me and fight them."
Sasuke contemplated Naruto's words. He mulled them over as peanut butter passed between them.
"What does that even mean, you idiot?"
They looked at each other and erupted into raucous laughter.
"We're pretty fucked up."
Nothing was solved or decided or determined. Nothing had been gained. There was no great revelation or realization. Except that peanut butter was delicious. But that was a given.
"What will you do when we kill him?"
"Who? We kill many people."
"Itachi."
"What makes you think we will be killing Itachi?"
"If you think for one second I'm letting you-"
"Shut up, dobe." Sasuke would never vocalize it, but a small part of him was comforted by the idea of Naruto standing with him when the time came. He didn't need to say it.
"What will you do?"
"I'll rebuild my clan, of course."
"Not with Haku."
"What?"
"You can't rebuild your clan with Haku. Haku is a guy. Two guys can't-"
"I know."
"I mean, you can try of course but it wouldn't-"
"I know, Naruto."
"I'm just saying. Maybe there is some kind of jutsu or forbidden technique but even then without any ovaries in the relationship-"
"I will kill you. I will kill you and everything you love if you do not shut up right this instant."
A sudden thought struck Naruto.
"What if the Sharingan is matrilineal?"
"Naruto, will you shut-," Sasuke paused as the weight of what Naruto said hit him. How did he not consider this? What would it mean for his future? How did Naruto know what "matrilineal" meant? "It does not matter at the moment. If it is…then the Sharingan will die. Perhaps that's for the best."
Naruto choked on the glob of peanut butter he had been in the process of swallowing and stared at Sasuke.
"You've come a long way."
"So have you."
They sat together without speaking. The only sounds in the kitchen were the scraping of the kunai against the bottom of jar after jar.
"I need to ask you a question."
"Yeah?"
"It's important, Naruto. I want you to know. I…I consider you a brother. More of a brother than Itachi had ever been or will ever be. That's why I need an honest answer."
"Just ask, Sasuke."
"Creamy or chunky?"
"Chunky."
"You son of a bitch."
Naruto stood up slowly and backed away from the Uchiha. Sasuke stared daggers at Naruto.
"This is not over."
"We'll see."
Naruto and Sasuke ceremoniously grabbed several of their favorite types of peanut butter and left the kitchen in opposite exits. Among all things a shinobi must face, none are more divisive and complex than Death and Peanut Butter.
(1) This sentence sounded much better in my mind…
I'm sorry but I am the only one who completely expected Sasuke to go off the deep end? I mean, his whole family is completely massacred and then he has to live in the same place where it happened. There's never any indication that he was given any psychiatric care or counseling afterwards. On top of that, he essentially had to become a child soldier afterwards. No wonder shinobi are all so insanely messed up. There are no therapists in Konoha.