I still don't even know what to truly make of that finale. Like. What.
But here is a little something that came to me.
Disclaimer: I own nothingggg. Not Rookie Blue, not the characters - and it's all kinds of sad. But I do own grammatical errors and such, so just excuse those, please.
I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
I'll use you as focal point
So I don't lose sight of what I want
She just stares at Holly, lost in all the chaos of spoken words and jumbled emotions, trying to sort out how all of this happened exactly - and in the locker room of all places. It's just too difficult to reconcile with the news, and a part of her realizes that maybe Holly must be feeling this too – because it's all kinds of unexpected and surprising.
She finally jolts out of her reverie when an officer comes in and briskly walks by them, forcing Gail to step back and blink numerous times in attempts to collect herself.
The overload is matched in Holly, who after delivering her own knowledge, has fallen silent. One thing that does make sense though, and alarmingly so, is the fact that their lives and their decisions seem to no longer correlate.
It's enough to force Holly away from her thoughts and to look up at Gail.
"We should head out, take this back to mine." Holly remarks softly, her eyes lingering on the officer in front of her before she stands up, determined, before lowering her gaze entirely. Gail merely nods, unable to find her voice as she turns to grab her things.
The journey to Holly's is sombre one, filled with stolen looks and soft exhales.
This was wasn't what either of them had expected from the promise of tonight, and the information from the locker room was still floating around freely in a numbing capacity without much comprehension in sight.
"We're here." She's not entirely sure why she's voicing the obvious, but she does, turning off the ignition before darting out of the car with a quick glance at Gail. Both depart the vehicle and Holly locks it, taking care to stalk toward her townhouse with as much lag imaginable. The thought of discussing anything remotely to do with what was said suddenly feels like a sure execution of their relationship, and Holly would like to avoid that as much as possible – Hell, Gail would too.
And so they slow their paces, walking aimlessly toward the home that both had grown to adore over their time spent there, respectfully.
They enter quietly, solemnly, as if knowing they can't prolong this conversation for much longer. The daunting 'all or nothing' mantra is all that whirls inside their minds, even though they will for an option – a mere compromise that can be met by both.
But there are none, at least that's what they figure in their silent contemplations.
It's only as Gail drops her bag and looks around the apartment, noticing the early tales of upheaval for the supposed move that she finally finds herself speaking.
"Ever since you came to see me yesterday, I thought maybe it could work. I knew it was silly, but I thought I could have both."
I've moved further than I thought I could
But I missed you more than I thought I would
And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
"Gail.."
"But life doesn't work like that, never has for me. It's never been fair. And I've never hated it more than I do right now."
"You're.. trying to adopt a child. That takes precedence over me. We can't escape that."
"We can't escape the fact you're moving to San Francisco for a job."
"I wasn't looking for it, Gail. It just happened. It happened when there was nothing else I could see."
"Two weeks?"
"Two weeks. I know it's sudden. And I know logistically it would be near impossible to get you to relocate with me without a hitch, but.. I thought I could have both too."
I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me
"Our lives are diverging, we want different things, and there is nothing wrong with that - it's not bad, it just is. And with the split.. the not talking, and then the interrogation room.. it's all just gotten away from us. Now it seems like it's too late for us."
"I don't want it to be. I don't want us to be over. I want us, Holly. I never stopped."
"Neither did I, but we can't escape the truth. You're going to adopt a kid… I had no idea you were even thinking about adopting, let alone doing it."
"Well I didn't know you were applying for jobs, let alone accepting an offer."
"We can go around this all we want, Gail. It won't change anything. We have priorities. We have choices and we've made them for ourselves. We've made them without consulting the other and.. I think that's self-explanatory, don't you think?"
"That's because I thought you moved on."
"Gail, I was in love with you. That's not something you can easily move on from."
"Was?"
"Am. What's happening right now doesn't change that."
"I do too. I love you." Holly smiles slightly at Gail, her lopsided grin baring all the pretenses of happiness though her eyes give her away. The strain of the sham crumbles mere seconds later, and in its place a defiant grimace takes over.
"How did we end up here?"
"I really don't know anymore. My stupidity?"
"To start with maybe, but I definitely played a part in it. I should never have walked away, I should never have kept seeing.." She stops, realizing they are just going in circles and backtracking over the impending actuality of the situation.
"You're going to adopt a child."
"If I can, if they allow me to – yes." Her head tilts slightly as she regards Gail, willing to be as supportive as she can in this perplexed hour.
"That's.. that's wonderful for you, Gail."
"You're going to San Francisco."
"It appears so. This job, it's been amazing-"
"But you're leaving."
"It'll open up more doors for my career, Gail. It's an opportunity I can't-"
"Then San Fran is lucky to have you." Holly can tell by the bite in her tone that her words are not entirely sincere, but she understands it anyway, for she's not exactly all-encompassing of Gail's decision to adopt, either. It's all kinds of confusing, and sad, because it shows just how misaligned they are now.
I'll use you as a makeshift gauge
Of how much to give and how much to take
I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
"Gail."
"Two weeks. Two weeks and you're gone."
"I never wanted this."
"But you have it."
"I wanted you with me. Maybe-"
"There are no maybes, Holly. I have to be here, my whole life is- I can't leave. And you can't stay here."
I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me
"I love you." It's all she has left. And the sad thing is, it's all that Gail has left too.
"I love you." It just is. They just are. And that's all they have in this moment; this clear realization that love exists, but life has other plans for them. Right person, wrong time? Maybe, probably. But they'll never truly know, because their lives have yet to be filled; yet to be experienced to the end. Maybe one day when they're old - with or without love; a home, children, they'll find themselves snatching a minute in their final hours to reflect momentarily upon this moment of estrangement.
And wish if only they could have taken back this moment and just made it right person at the right time. Screw the wrong time, screw all the things that wanted to keep them apart.
Because this is right, it's right in so many ways. And if it's the right person, then nothing else matters.
"Why are you so far away?"
"What?" Holly barely has the words out of her mouth before Gail is on her, pressing her body to her as she melds their lips together passionately, fiercely, if only to convey the depth of her longing for them to be together - to just be here right now as one, and not separate.
Holly meets her appeal and keenly raises it, trying to quell the ever gnawing hunger inside her chest as she explores Gail's clothed body with her eager digits. It's only a matter of seconds before they scrape under for skin, pressing fervently into flesh as she moves forward, blindly guiding them until Gail's back collides with the wall. Tongues wage for dominance as Gail digs her fingers into Holly's sides, her teeth clattering against Holly's as she grinds into her.
Her head whips back, hitting the wall as she breathes out, whimpering as she feels Holly's thigh press determinedly in-between her own - her body not the only source of gyrating as they move together, panting heavily in this bubble they've created for themselves. This goes on for a while until Holly manages to pull back from Gail, and pull her away from the wall, drawing her from the living room and to the stairs.
The moment they begin to clamber upstairs - their mouths briefly parted - seems to instil a sense of hesitancy in Holly as she looks to Gail from the top of the staircase, not sure of where to go from here.
Yet the intent of their journey is soon reclaimed when Gail sets foot on solid ground, making sure to attack Holly's lips with her own as she moves them forward, heading slowly down the corridor to Holly's bedroom.
"Gail." She pulls her mouth away from Gail's, wetting her lips quickly as she seeks out Gail's eyes. The emotion swirling behind those hooded browns prompts Gail to immediately shut it down, if only so they can be here now and forget about it all for just a second.
She embraces Holly's body, wrapping her arms around her waist as she guides them inside the room.
"Holly, just- not now." With this, the urgency to kiss her once again fills her up, and soon she's doing just that, and then her lips are trailing down her neck, and leaving open kisses in their wake across the expanse of skin. She can feel Holly pulling at her clothing, and so stands up enough so she can yank the jacket off her body before setting about ridding them of their clothes altogether.
It's swift and barely time consuming - at least in the sense to warrant them second thoughts during this haze of desire - and before they know it, they're kicking off shoes and stripping off the last remnants of items before navigating towards their destination, the bed.
It's only as they fall onto the mattress, pulling the quilt back and pushing it away haphazardly that things begin to slow down once again. Holly hovers over Gail's body, her eyes directly on Gail as she tries to make sense of it all.
"This isn't going to change anything, is it?" She asks sadly, the realization coming to her as she settles in between Gail's legs.
"No." They let the information inhabit their minds, this stark reality that this comfort won't alter anything – but it's Gail that attempts to make it count for something before they abandon this moment completely.
"You leave in two weeks. And I can't even try and understand that right now, like you can't understand what's going on with me. But we've got two weeks to figure it out. Two weeks." This seems to make Holly tense up as she stares down at Gail, her features stiffening as they linger in this moment of uncertainty. It is Gail again that tries to appease her, her hands smoothing over the tight fixtures, endeavoring to coach Holly back to her.
"Right now, all I want is you. All I need is you." She feels Holly's body grow lax above her, her eyes darkening as she dips down and presses their lips together firmly. It's only as she pulls back and Holly looks at her that Gail realizes she's trembling, her eyes catering unshed tears. But she looks up all the same, holding strong as she watches Holly.
"If this happens- if we do this right now, I don't think I'll be able to leave." She wishes more than anything for Holly's words to be true, but as she looks at her, she knows otherwise. They both do.
"You will, and we both know it. We have to do these things- we decided on them, but right now, this is for us. This is ours. We have two weeks. Two weeks. I.." It's only as Holly traces her cheek that Gail identifies the trail making it's way down, the wetness blurring her eyes as she blinks up at Holly. She raises her arms around Holly's shoulders as Holly melts into her embrace, snuggling down as she straddles the blonde.
"I know. So do I. Very much." Holly affirms, kissing Gail's lips as she cradles her face. She pulls back to look into Gail's eyes, nodding just the once as she silently comes to terms with Gail's offer.
"Two weeks."
All this space, all this distance, it can come and it assuredly will.
But right now, right here.
This is their time, this is for them.
And it's not exactly a fairy-tale, but it's still kind of beautiful though.
I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me
The italics are lyrics from the song Amber Run – I Found, and I thought it went well for this, so I included it.