Chapter 1: Beyond the Pain

Five days seven hours twenty six minutes. I looked at the clock again, five days seven hours twenty six minutes and now forty seven seconds had past since A died. My eyes shifted to the empty bed adjacent to mine. Sunlight peeked through the blinds of the window and onto A's former bed. If A were still alive, the sunlight would have bounced off his light blonde hair making it shine. His head would rest on his arm as he slept, and he'd be snoring. God did he snore. Not a deep manly snore either, A's snores were dainty and ladylike. I used to tease him about it all the time, but I found myself missing it at night.

I looked up at the cieling,counting seconds. It was like I could feel the stillness, the gaping hole in the world that A had left behind. I didn't feel pain though, I didn't feel anything at all. Just stillness, and the feeling of being suspended in time. I needed to distract myself a bit. I sat up in my bed and reached for the jam jar on my dresser. While I stuggled to get the cap off there was a knock at the door.

"B, come out of your room. It's been almost a week."

The voice had stated this as if I wasn't aware. As if every passing day didn't slowly corrode my mind. That irritated me, and I didn't answer.

" Look I know you're in there let's not make this an issue."

The voice behind the door sounded like Matt. I remained silent hoping he'd just go away. I could tell he had started to get angry and begun banging on the door with his fist.

"Backup, get out of there or I'll kicked down this door and bust up your jam jars!" He shouted from behind the door.

I sighed and put the jam jar down. I took off my blankets and sat cross legged at the end of my bed. My hair fell into my eyes. I shook my head and moved my bangs aside. "Go to hell, Jeevas!" I shouted. I heard him chuckle behind the door. "Already there, Backup. I'm already there"

There was a silence for a few seconds. I stared at the door. Then there was a loud noise and my door swung open, hitting the wall. Matt put his foot down and stood in my doorway. I looked away from him, his life span always made me feel guilty. My eyes reminded me everytime I looked at him that he wouldn't live past nineteen, and I couldn't tell him. Shinigami eyes cursed me. Knowing when a person is going to die and not being able to do anything about it made me feel helpless. It's why getting attatched to people was never something I liked doing. It was different with A though, he was destined to die at the age ninety three, but he cut his own life short.

I realized that while I sat there thinking, Matt was still in the doorway with a cigararette hanging off the edge of his mouth. He looked at me waiting for me to say something. He took his cigarette out of his mouth and examined it. He had a relaxed expression on his face.

"Hey, Jeevas. You're fourteen, lose the cigarette." I said.

He chuckled and leaned on the side of the doorway. "Hey, Backup. You're sixteen, lose the loner attitude and go find yourself a girl." he said. I looked at A's bed.

" I wasn't always a loner." I said quietly as I got out of my bed and looked through my dresser for a new shirt. I realized I hadn't changed in days which had caused my clothes to be stained and give off the odor of old jam. Once I had noticed it my OCD wouldn't let up until I had changed into new clothes.

Matt rolled his eyes. "You were both loners, together. Now he's gone and you're a loner, alone." He paused. I pulled out a white tee- shirt from my dresser and started looking for pants. Matt watched me. The relaxed expression had left his face and been replaced with an anxious one. He took a breath and begun talking in a quick irritated manor.

"Look, they're getting- damn it, B! Just pick a pair of pants, I have something important to tell you, and you're not paying any attention 'cause you're too busy looking for a pair of damn pants! They're all the same you know, jeans are all pretty much the same."

I stopped, grabbed a pair of jeans and sat on the floor in front of the open drawer of pants. Matt looked content with having my undivided attention and continued.

" They're getting upset with how MIA you've been. I know you're going through some stuff right now, but you need to show up to class or you're never gonna be a successor. I mean if-"

"I don't wanna be a successor!" I screamed, louder than I would have liked to. I took a calming breath and continued talking in a lower tone. " Niether did A, that's why he killed himself. He didn't want to live in L's shadow. He wanted more. That's why he did what he did and left me alone in this hell." I sighed and sat on A's bed. I put down the clothes I had gotten from the dresser and looked at Matt.

"Which is why I've been planning to leave Wammy's House..."

Matt looked at me in utter shock and stuttered out a sentence "You-Y-You can't just leave I-I mean where would you go?" He took a few steps into my room and shut the door.

"America, I want to be far away from Wammy's House, successors...and L."

Matt shrugged "L is a great guy, he's solved hundreds of cases and-" He looked down and spoke in a voice that suggested a sensitive topic. "...he's not responsible for A's death you know."

I shook my head. "No he is responsible for A's death, because of him A didn't have his own life."

I stopped for a moment looking back at the open drawer in the dresser. I shifted the pants in it to the sides of the drawer. At the bottom of it was a hidden compartment that contained a knife. I pulled the knife out and examined it. Age hadn't touched it. It was still beautiful, unused, but that would soon change. The light from the window hit it making it give off a blinding shine. I smiled at the beauty of the knife, and the possibilities that it held.

Still focused on the knife, I continued speaking."And one day there's gonna be a case L can't solve... I promise."