Private Thoughts Are Best Kept Private.
AU slightly. Mature for sexual references and swearing. Don't read if it's not your thing.
August 31st 1977
"Dear Journal,
I have absolutely no idea why I'm even using this, but mother insisted. She said I had seemed to be less focused or something during the summer so this diary would help me to get things off of my chest and return to the real world. Not that there's much of anything on it in the first place. I'm sixteen, seventeen in a few months, and yet still waiting for puberty to fully kick in. If it already has then I'm fucked.
Lucius thinks that I'm not very appealing when it comes to my body, with which I admit I agree with him, but otherwise someone who's good to talk with. Better than Crabbe and Goyle anyway, and certainly better than Narcissa Black. After he left Hogwarts and married the blonde Black bimbo, he refuses to let me go, even if he has so many more people like himself to talk to.
He tried to do something last year when he came to visit, though, that I'm sure was just to satiate his boredom because what other reason could it be for?
We were both in the common room on sitting opposite each other in the armchairs in front of the fire, alone, because all the others had gone for dinner. I was reading an Advanced Potions book from the Restricted section of the library, with written permission from Professor Slughorn of course, when Lucius had sat next to me. I think he had maybe come back from a visit to Professor Slughorn, but I had no idea why he would look for me, even if he were my only friend.
I ignored him for the most part and kept reading, until he came closer and put his hand very close to my left thigh. Which is saying something because I was sitting with my whole body on the sofa, legs drawn up with my back to the arm rest. I tried to keep reading but he snatched the book right out of my hands, dog-eared the page, (Madam Pince, the librarian, will go mad. She can't give me detention but I think Mr. Tobeson, the Caretaker may like her) and set it aside.
That done he leaned forward, between my legs to get closer and actually kissed me full on the lips for so long I couldn't breathe when he stopped! I think I must have gone into shock or something but the next thing I knew I was being roughly pushed up the stairs to the Head Boy's room, (how did he know the password?) through the door and onto the bed where he turned me around and began to abuse my neck with his tongue! It was warm and sticky and unnerving but when I pushed away he held my wrists over my head. Being of a more muscular build and also much taller he stilled me in moments and I was helpless.
What I didn't like even more was that he had started removing my clothes, letting go of my arms while he pulled my shirt over my head and then held on again in an iron grip as I laid across the emerald silk covers, my heart beating hard like those muggle rock drummers I saw on the music channel when Father flipped through. I hadn't noticed him stop assaulting my neck as I was still struggling against him but certainly felt that mouth organ once more, this time on my collarbone and sinking lower towards my nipple and then claiming it. I gasped. I had started to shiver by this time and was whimpering at the shock of pleasure it sent down my spine and somewhere between my legs.
Minutes later he began unzipping my trousers and then sliding them down along with my boxers too. Slipping those off of me he held down my hips with his other hand and my thighs with his leg all the while looking me up and down as if something of value to purchase at a store; nothing more than an inanimate object or something without thoughts and feelings.
As he had most of me pinned under him he simply took the hand on my hips and held it...elsewhere, in a place that I was quite sure was supposed to be in access to only me and whomever I decide to marry or make love to. It wasn't supposed to happen this soon. Nor would it ever, I had thought before then.
I really don't wish to write this down but I'd been having nightmares over it so, I suppose, better in a book than tormenting me in the time that is meant for dreaming.
For some reason the image of Black entered my mind.
As he began to run his and up and down and he picked up his pace I felt all of my blood rushing to my navel and I gasped, moaning as he got harder, faster. The image of Black had become a whole picture and 'he' began to strip off his uniform, right down to his boxers. I could feel some sort of very hard, very large bump as someone straddled my legs and it disturbed me. Was that Lucius?
That thought was stripped from my mind as I felt something almost painful build up somewhere inside my stomach and I once again gasped.
'Black' had begun to do what Lucius was doing to me; he was laid on his back, legs spread with his feet flat on the floor. His hair was spread all around his head like a dark halo and he was moaning as he pumped himself moving the other hand through his long, black locks, saying my name with every other breath and whispering some dome dirty things he said he'd do to me. This started me involuntarily moaning louder.
Suddenly Potter appeared in the picture, also completely nude; he lay down beside Black, began to kiss him passionately, as Lucius had begun to do to me, though Potter wasn't doing it a roughly. He had slipped his tongue in as well and while I tried to fight him, he claimed dominance. By this time he had released my hands and was using his free one to play with my nipples. He needn't worry though. I was far gone by then and my hands were clutching his shoulders, trying to get him to pump faster by bucking my hips. It seemed to work.
Potter and black; boy, were they a sight. Or thought? Fantasy? Whatever.
They were rubbing their groins together like...like tight muggle jeans against the skin. Then the feeling in my stomach tightened and this sticky white substance shot from the tip of my...penis...(eugh) and an involuntary gutteral sound escaped my lips and deep panting, I was sweating all over, including the pubic area.
In my head my two sexually aroused tormenters where doing the same, each moaning my name in bliss. That also distrubed me.
Lucius was cleaning the front of his trousers with a charm. After all that he was still clothed.
He left soon afterward. I got dressed and headed for the common room. Everybody else would still be in the Great Hall for another few minutes so I got my book from the table infront of the fire and sped for my dormitory and straight to bed.
Lucius didn't mention the incident and still hasn't. I hadn't been able to look at Potter and Black since with out blushing from embarrasment. I don't think theyv'e figured it out yet but Lupin is smart. He's probably just waiting for the perfect time to reveal what he thinks is my crush on them.
As if. I hate them with my very being, I just can't help my traitorous body; I swear it's determined to get itself murdered despite the body's natural Survival Instinct.
Anyway I suppose it's good for me to write in this thing. My mind is crowded with more than just thoughts so if I dont send them somewhere else I might just explode from the pressure. Or implode, I'm not sure.
Lately I've been trying to find a way to get back at Potter and his idiotic followers. I've decided to keep my distance with Lupin; since dicovering his Hybrid peronality in fifth year I have been careful to stay as far from him as possible. And he could tell the dimwits anytime of my supposed crush.
Pettigrew, the little rat, is not worth it. I dont understand why they let him so close. He's cowardly and how he ever managed to deceive the Sorting Hat into putting him in Gryffindor I will never understand.
Black and Potter are the two to worry about. I've no idea why but I get the feeling Black tried to get me killed all through fifth year. Especially with the stunt with the Womping Willow; that must have been his most successful plan. Potter is merely in it to play jokes and impress Lil - Evans. He's obsessed with her. Not to mention Quidditch. Black is the dangerous one. He's the one to watch out for.
In more ways than one.
-Severus
Snape put the book, with the ink which he'd charmed with very strong spells for only his eyes to see, under his pillow.
He had known about his prefered sexuality when he was twelve and had somehow develped a crush on Lucius himself, who was in Sixth year at the time. Lucius had found out and had teased him privately for weeks.
After that it was some boy in Ravenclaw three years above him who was exceptionally intelligent, even more so than the others and even Flitwick, maybe, but he had turned out to be not only completely straight but religious too. Apparently, in whatever culture or religion he had come from, gays and bi's were tortured, Crucio'ed for hours and then killed slowly.
He had stayed away from him after that.
Snape slept, plagued by the after thoughts of writing in the journal/diary. Lucius had come in with a whip and Potter and Black were sitting seductively on their hands and knees around him at his feet. Both wearing nothing but very small revealing briefs. Or thongs? Er...
They were all looking at him, Snape, with the most wanting lustful smirks and the two on their knees began to crawl toward him.
OxoXoxO
A/N this just suddenly came to me after reading some SB/SS fics here on .
Rated 16+ so it's like, Mature, i guess, cuz im 16. yay. -.-; My first mature fic on .
Review if you want to, for questions and flames and the like. Just restrain from writing anything particularly rude.
This might become more than a one-shot but maybe when I'm older.
Edit: minor changes to the date and some details. 25/08/08