Sam sat straight up in bed. Through the dim light of the hotel room, I could see beads of sweat rolling down his bare chest.
I closed our father's journal and looked at my little brother, "You alright, Sammy?"
He looked at me and i could see the remnants of fear lingering in his eyes. It took him a moment to reply, his mind still stuck in his dream.
When he finally spoke, his voice trembled, "Yeah... yeah i am..."
He shook his head and ran a trembling hand through his shaggy brown hair.
"What are you still doing up, Dean? It's-" He looked over at the night stand where a digital clock glowed, "3 in the morning."
I tossed the journal i still held onto the small coffe table in front of me and sighed, "Couldn't sleep. Did you have another nightmare?"
He slowly nodded, not meeting my eyes. I
looked at him, tilting my head slightly, "What about?"
I already knew the answer though, "Dad?"
He bit his bottom lip and looked away from me. I sighed again.
"Dean i don't know how, but i know he is okay. He is still here, he is alive. I thi-"
I cut him off before he could finish, "Sam he is dead. He made a deal and now he will rot in hell."
I hated talking about our dad almost as much as talking about mom, and Sam knew that. It was only in the wee hours of nights like this that their name's were brought up.
"I still think he is alive..." Sam trailed off, clearly hurt that i didn't believe him.
"Look, i'm sorry, Sammy. You right, he probably is fine. I mean, he is a winchester. you can't off us that easy."
He looked at me skeptically. "You really think so?"
Damn i hate lying to the kid. There is no way in hell John was alive, but for one night i guess i can agree with him.
I nodded quietly, hoping my face didnt betray the shame and guilt i felt. He smiled hapily. It wasn't a smirk or a half smile, it was a full on im-happy-to-be-alive-and-i-have-so-much-hope smile. It made my heart melt.
Suddenly, he blushed, "Um... uh dean? do... do you think it owuld be weird if you... slept with me tonight?"
He blushed an even darker shade of red, "N-not like sex... just sleeping. like when we were kids."
I smiled at his innocence.
Damn the kid was adorable.
"What? Am i not fuckable?" I asked, smirking.
He laughed nervously, "I'm not saying that... i just mean... um... just not tonight..." I laughed halfheartedly.
It was always like this, weird sexual jokes that led nowhere, awkward talk about a relationship that never existed. Sometimes it hurts, because i love Sam. Not only in a brotherly way, but i love him with a lustful passion that he could never return. Sam wasn't like that. He would never return my feelings.
I stood up from my chair and walked over to the queen sized bed my brother slept in. I lifted up the covers, attempting to ignore the almost naked form of the boy i loved. He snuggled up next to me and i frowned, my heart skipping a beat everytime he inhaled.
It was quiet for a long time, and i had begun to think that Sam had fallen asleep, but then the room filled with his smooth voice as he spoke, his voice sounding loud but being just a whisper, "How do you think of me, dean?"
the question shocked me, and i replied hastily, "what do you mean, Sammy?"
He didn't answer me right away, and my mind reeled with different reasons he asked the question.
"Like... am i just your brother... or am i more than that?"
My eyes widened and i took a deep breath, "You are my brother, Sam."
I didn't want to lie again, but Sam couldn't take the truth. He couldn't know of those countless nights that i clung to his tshirt, inhaling his smell and letting it emcompass me. He couldn't know of those wet dreams i had where i awoke to the biggest boner ever. He couldnt know that right now i would like nothing more than to climb on top of him and fuck him until morning.
He sighed, "I guess it's just one sided then."
I froze, "What do you mean? what is one sided?" I was faintly aware that my voice was shaking.
He spoke quietly, lower than a whisper. I had to strain my ears to hear him, "I.. i love you, dean. m-more than just a brother."
I was dumbfounded, my mind instantly thinking it was not possible, "Go to sleep, Sammy. You are so tired you are delirious."
He sat up and looked at me in the eyes, raising his voice to the point of almost yelling, "Did i fucking stutter?!"
My eyes widened, and he continued, "I am dead serious, Dean."
I sat up next to him and looked away, "You can't be... it's wrong."
He touched my arm so softly he might have been a ghost. "But i am serious..."
I didn't know what to say. Then man i loved, the man i dreamt about every night, the man that filled my every waking thoughts, the man that stood by me my WHOLE LIFE, WAS IN LOVE WITH ME! HE LOVES ME BACK! SAM WINCHESTER, MY BROTHER, LOVES ME!
He frowned and turned away, "Forget it... it's stupid. Just forget i said anything."
He stood up and walked away, stopping a few feet from the bed and running a hand through his hair. I stood up and walked behind him, careful to be quiet and not let him know i was moving. I wrapped my arms around his front, hugging him from behind and pressing my forehead to his bare back.
He froze, caught off guard, "D-dean?"
I hesitated before saying quietly, "I love you."
His back went rigid, "What did you just say?"
"I love you." I said a little louder.
He didn't respond. I sighed and dropped my arms, stepping back a step.
He slowly turned around his eyes meeting mine, "You do?"
I met his gaze and smiled weakly, "Yeah... i do."
He smiled again, the heart melting smile, "I love you too, Dean."
I smiled brightly, stepping forward and standing on my tiptoes, pressing my lips lightly to his. He engulfed me in his arms, pressing his lips to mine in reuturn. The kiss didn't last long, but it was full of emotions that had been kept at bay for years, words we had never dared to whisper, thoughts better left unsaid.
When the kiss broke, we were both beet read.
I smiled, "Care to cuddle?"
He smiled and we walked over to the bed. We lay next to eachother, him cuddling up next to me, and me wrapping my arms around him, my head resting on his.
"I love you, Sammy." I said.
"I love you too." he replied, sleepily.
We slept together like that. No sex [at least not that night. the morning is another story (;] we just slept.