Title: Gifts
Author: Marianne H. Stillie
Categories: Drama, Point of View, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Rating: T
Pairing: Daniel/Janet
Series: The Before and After Stories
Season: Season 7 Alternate Reality
Summary: Coming home isn't easy, unless you have some very creative and caring friends.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment, not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks are intended. Previously unrecognized characters, places and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Archive: Please do not archive anywhere without the author's permission.
Copyright (c) 2005 Marianne H. Stillie
Author's Note: The Goa'uld word 'semue' means rise/come back to life.
Gifts
From his vantage point on the tiered stone platform that supported the looming Stargate, Dr. Daniel Jackson scanned the sand-gray pocked sky. On the ground, a new cycle of funnel clouds began forming at random spots. They danced and writhed across the empty landscape, growing to gigantic heights that poured more dead matter into the dust-choked air. Just as quickly they collapsed, taking what was left of the lifeless soil back into the dry, barren landmass. The desolation radiating out to the horizon from all four compass points was complete. Not a living thing, from microbe to small mammal, had survived on P1S-236's mid-continent.
The clumsy red environmental suit that protected him from the invisible hodge podge of genetically engineered contaminants in the air and soil weighed more heavily on his slender frame today than it had during these past days. It mirrored his seething, ill-tempered mood at the devastation this pointless conflict had caused. His mind's eye relived the ecological nightmare he and the team of experts from the SG-7 Scientific Corp had already cataloged on the planet's southern continent. The magnitude of the disaster sent shivers of frustration through him. He ground his teeth in an attempt to control the fresh anger he felt. The physical action only intensified the gnawing pain in his skull.
Behind him, the last members of the team completed going through the shimmering blue waves of the event horizon with their sleds and cases of equipment. The last to come up the broad, well-worn steps was Teal'c. He stood beside Daniel. His deep voice resonated through the headset, "It is time to go home, Daniel Jackson."
He nodded and stepped through the Stargate after him. His last thought before the cold of the wormhole enveloped him was the mantra he had found himself obsessively repeating since they had first arrived on this planet for a routine diplomatic mission three weeks ago, All in the name of opposing belief systems.
Stepping onto the Gate room ramp, Daniel immediately looked toward the control room window. As he'd hoped, Jack O'Neill was there. He let out the breath he had been holding during his transit through the wormhole. The pounding headache began to subside and he sighed deeply in the privacy of the environmental suit. He was safely home again at the SGC.
"It's good to have you back, Daniel," Jack said from the control room. "As soon as the HAZMAT guys finish hosing you down, head to the infirmary. Doc Fraiser is waiting for you with the usual post-mission torture. Debriefing at 0800 tomorrow." He saluted with the metal cane he'd been leaning on.
Daniel frowned, his sense of security and relief dissipating. That cane was another example of the damage this latest mission had caused. Then he was enveloped in a cloud of decontamination agent. The entire Gate room disappeared in the chemical mist.
Daniel watched his blood flow freely into the drawing tube in Janet Fraiser's sure, steady hands. When it was full, she replaced it with a second one. More bright red blood, warm and alive, entered it from this vibrant body of his. He was the old Daniel Jackson, back from another mission on a faraway world, doing the work he cared about with people who cared about his being home. He sighed again, his suppressed exhaustion kicking in. He felt his eyelids begin to droop.
As she withdrew the needle from his vein, Dr. Fraiser said, "That should do it. None of the previous tests showed any crossover of the alien created genetic strains you've been exposed to. I'm sure these samples will also be clear. This is just a precaution."
The doctor turned away from Daniel as she cleared the medical paraphernalia from the gurney where he was lying. "The samples you've brought back from the planet are keeping the Area 51 lab people on their toes. The preliminary tests have identified a dozen highly complex retro virus combinations that are showing some nasty behavior patterns." She turned back to Daniel.
Janet gently touched the sleeping man's arm. "Daniel?"
The archeologist slowly opened his eyes. It took several seconds before he was able to focus on Janet's smiling face. When he did, he smiled back and said, "I'm sorry. I guess I'm more tired than I thought."
"That's because you haven't been sleeping much, again," she said tersely, her hand on her right hip.
"And how do you know that?" he asked, suppressing a yawn.
"Because I know you," she said in her most professional voice. "You've been increasingly tense and irritable. And it's not just from the strain of this mission. Ever since your apartment was burglarized, you've spent all your time here when you weren't off-world."
"Just making up for a lost year," Daniel answered as he sat up.
"I've been your doctor for a long time. I can tell when former ascended beings are lying."
His mouth quirked crookedly in that shy way of his, "Perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it?"
"No. You're definitely a normal human again."
Daniel couldn't look away from Janet's kind, dark eyes. As close as he was to his SG-1 friends, there were things happening to him that he couldn't share with them. But he needed to talk to someone so badly. "I'd forgotten how much it hurt being alive. Not the physical pain. That's tolerable. It's the emotional, unanesthetized hurting that's giving me trouble," he said in a low, strained voice.
"You'll always remember the day Sha're died," Janet said, not knowing how he would react, but sure that today's anniversary needed to be addressed.
Daniel got up from the gurney quickly and moved away from her. "I don't want to remember! Not like this!"
Janet kept silent, knowing Daniel would continue when he was ready. Once opened, his emotional floodgates could rarely be stopped. He looked into her eyes with an intensity that startled her. It was another compelling aspect of the changes he had undergone during his time away from them.
A chilling anger came through in his voice. "The Others think their powers are absolute, but I've been remembering more and more. For an entire year I was someone else. A being I didn't recognize by the end, objective, remote, even cold, rationalizing my behavior by other's standards."
Daniel started pacing the examination room, his body language becoming more agitated. "Coming home was a miracle and the greatest gift I've ever been given. It's also a curse. What I feel from everything and everyone around me is stronger, more intense, and it's increasing exponentially. I'm afraid to be happy because it just makes the opposing pain worse. I need the pain to go away because it's tearing me apart. But if I let it go, I'm afraid I'll lose myself again."
"You won't lose who you are, Daniel. None of us will ever let that happen again." Janet's voice became softer as she forcibly held back the tears she felt welling in her eyes, "I won't let it happen."
Janet's words broke through the cycle of contradictory emotions Daniel was struggling to explain. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. He was worn out from the admissions that had poured out of him.
The doctor stood in front of him and placed her hand over his heart. "I recommend a nice hot shower and a long night's sleep."
Daniel remembered Janet's soothing voice and gentle touch vividly from another time of pain. His breathing calmed and the spiking headache pressure began to ebb. He looked down at her and smiled wanly. "The hot shower sounds good. But I do have some work to do."
Her voice deeply intimate, Janet said, "Don't be afraid to sleep, Daniel."
Without hesitation, he covered her small hand with his and wrapped his long fingers around it. He didn't want to move and break the deepest moment of peace he'd experienced since coming back from Chesed.
Sensing the strong emotions that were surrounding both of them, Janet slipped her hand out from under Daniel's and stepped back a few paces. She started to say something then changed her mind.
Daniel noticed and said, "I know. A hot shower and some sleep. I'll try." At the door he turned and looked at her. "I never really thanked you for all the care and caring you gave me when I was dying. You're a great friend, Janet."
The commissary was lightly populated at this late hour. Less than a dozen military personnel occupied the normally crowded space. Their conversations and the clatter of dishes and utensils added a tolerable buzz of activity to the room. As he stood in the doorway, Daniel felt a drop of water roll down his neck from a strand of freshly shampooed hair he hadn't dried completely. Clean clothes and familiar surroundings were doing wonders for his mood. The mixture of enticing smells reminded him that he was also very hungry.
He got a tray and started down the line of food offerings. When he was done, there was barely room for his coffee mug and silverware. He scanned the room and spotted Teal'c sitting by himself in a far corner. A slow smile creased his face as he delighted in the now familiar sight of his Jaffa friend wearing a set of headphones that were attached to the CD player Sam had given him for his birthday five years ago. He laughed softly as Teal'c put a forkful of pie in his mouth while his eyes were closed.
Daniel stood beside the table and cleared his throat loudly. "May I join you, Teal'c?"
Teal'c slowly opened his dark almond-shaped eyes and smiled. "I would be delighted to share your company, Daniel Jackson." While Daniel began eating, Teal'c removed the headphones and put them aside. "You look much better, my friend." Not expecting an answer from the archeologist, he said, "I have been listening to an excellent audio disc titled 'To Your Scattered Bodies Go', one of your world's classic genre novels."
"Great sci fi story. I read it in high school," Daniel said in between bites of hamburger and salad.
"The male protagonist reminds me of you, an explorer and linguist dedicated to the search for knowledge about the human race, compulsively believing that life can be made better."
Daniel stopped eating and looked at Teal'c. "Compulsive?" When the silence became too obvious, he went back to his meal. "I think I'll make sure you're not the one who delivers my eulogy."
"Are you expecting to die again in the near future?"
Startled by the question, Daniel's eyes blinked rapidly. "Of course not."
"I am very glad to hear that. Then you will be practicing more caution in your dealings with alien cultures in the future," Teal'c said as a statement rather than a question.
Daniel knew he was referring to certain reckless actions of his during their recent mission. They had argued hotly over it at the time.
Taking Daniel's silence as acceptance of his words, the Jaffa continued, "You have been resurrected three times now. Once in Ra's sarcophagus, once by the Nox and once by Oma Desala. Is this correct?"
"Yes," Daniel answered, trying to keep his voice light. He felt a familiar throbbing begin in his skull. "Would you change the subject, please?"
Teal'c's eyebrow lifted questioningly then retracted. "If you wish. I was merely making a connection between the story's theme of resurrected humans being given the opportunity to learn from their past mistakes and the Hadij on P1S-236, hopefully rebuilding their future on a more positive foundation."
Daniel picked up his mug of coffee and took a sip. He was no longer hungry. His voice now tight and low, he said, "In this case, I suspect you're the cockeyed optimist of the team."
Teal'c's deep baritone was a mixture of surprise and reprimand, "Do you no longer believe that we can make a difference?"
"Of course I do. It's why I risk my life every time I go through the Stargate. Why I'm not afraid of death." His voice had risen with each word. Too late he realized that he shouldn't have said those particular words.
Teal'c was silent for several seconds, then asked sharply, "Has your short-lived ascension raised you to a level of godhood even the Goa'uld have not achieved?"
"No," Daniel answered defensively.
"Then you are not perfect?" Teal'c persisted.
Daniel experienced a broad range of emotions in the brief seconds he hesitated answering – surprise, anger, confusion – then he exhaled loudly, accepting again the value of his longtime friend's wisdom. "No. And I hope I never will be."
"Courage and valor require risk to one's life on various levels, my friend. But one should always retain a margin of safety for the future."
Daniel emulated his friend's gesture of nodding his head in lieu of a verbal assent. "May I borrow that CD when you're done with it?"
Teal'c smiled and said, "Of course." He reached behind his chair and pulled out a well worn, round leather case. Daniel recognized the handmade Abydonian workmanship immediately. "I discovered this at a shop in Colorado Springs that loans money for used goods."
"A pawn shop," Daniel said taking the large case gently. "Thank you."
Despite all the lights being turned up to their highest illumination in his silent sleeping quarters, Daniel felt a dank emptiness from this place carved out of stone. Yet it was his home, much more than the large loft apartment in the city filled with the collected things of his life. Unlike that new place that had been violated by strangers a few weeks ago, he felt safe and secure here. The SGC was where his heart and his soul now resided. But it wasn't the place that was cold and empty. It was him.
He'd given up tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep, as he'd earlier given up trying to write his post mission report. Unlike his usual crisp, concise and detailed notes, the entries in his personal mission journal for P1S-236 tonight were rambling and erratic. His mind was racing again, trying to stay awake, as it had after Sha're had been taken.
He sat at the round table across from his bed. Slowly and carefully he emptied the contents of the case Teal'c had returned to him. It had been stolen from his apartment and he never thought he'd see it again. More than his other possessions, it held the part of his past that meant the most to him. The simple cup he and Sha're had drunk from at their wedding. A beaded necklace he had made for her for their first anniversary. Bits and pieces of a short-lived life that was everything he'd every wanted. The day after the case was stolen, the simmering questions that had been emerging since his homecoming had intensified. Along with the strident questions, came incomprehensible dreams.
By all the laws of the universe, he should be dead. The entity he knew as Oma Desala had shown him how to rise above human flesh when his life was almost over. But it had been made too easy for him to ascend. She knew that now. He hadn't been ready. He'd broken the rules and made it necessary for her to save his friends and take in the Abydonians.
His recent dreams had been a litany of his transgressions. The catalog of his sins led with his betrayal of a friendship in the depths of Baal's prison. He had demanded that Jack give up his hope in exchange for rescuing his soul from torture. There were chilling glimpses of pivotal events and determinative incidents that he had personally witnessed while he was one of the ascended, grave moments in time across the universe that he did nothing to influence or change. His last arrogance on Abydos had cost thousands of lives. These sins of commission and omission tormented him.
As if this guilt wasn't enough, his graphic dreams had exposed some of the hidden aftermath of his fall from grace. Oma and her cadre had been forced to retreat from their grandiose mission in the universe the Ancients had left behind. Those who were struggling to survive no longer had a way to ascend to the great path. In retaliation for the breach he had caused, the Others had made sure the barriers between the two worlds were up and not easily sundered again. His question about these elusive beings had yet to be answered. If they wouldn't use their power to take action that would benefit human existence, then what was their point and purpose? Their aura of perfection was as dangerously false as the godhood claims of the Goa'uld. Yet, he had arrogantly attempted to be one of them.
Enlightened being that she was, Oma could never take his life. His punishment was to live again in a brand new body. His resurrected flesh was a wonder in that it looked exactly like it did before, though every atom that comprised it was freshly reborn. Shouldn't his life be renewed also? Shouldn't this unparalleled gift be giving him a revitalized experience of the joy and pain of being human? Somehow it was giving him too little of one and far too much of the other. No matter how hard he tried each day, he couldn't find a balance.
The disruptions in his emotional well being had begun slowly, acceptable and manageable, considering the great changes he had experienced. He had comfortably integrated them into his daily routine as part of the highly stressful life he led. The break-in had been an unexpected catalyst, accelerating the frequency and intensity of his descent into his dreams. On the outside, he'd been able to maintain a normal façade when he was with others. He was an actor, playing a very familiar role. He did and said whatever was expected of him. He had become highly adept at all the pretenses of his daily world, hiding his inner struggles from even the three people who knew him best.
For weeks after his homecoming, his friends had been so overjoyed at his new lease on life that they were totally accepting and tolerant of him, even when he hadn't deserved it. Teal'c's description of him tonight canceled that out. He was really home again and one of them. But there were so many things he didn't know how to tell them. What he'd said to Janet was only the tip of a soul-deep iceberg, drifting inside him, on a collision course with reality.
He'd somehow expected his return to be evolving differently, that he should have found some answers by now. That he should just know. Instead he'd found the rules changing from day to day. He had also expected the self-doubts he'd experienced throughout his life to finally be gone. Instead he could no longer distinguish past from present.
He owed so many debts for the rebirths he'd been given. As the days and weeks went by, he'd found himself caught in an endless spiral of life and death as he tried to repay them. In his dreams, the debts and rewards were horribly unbalanced.
There was so much good he wanted to accomplish in the years ahead. Doing the right thing had become even more of an obsession. He kept reminding himself that altruism is what got him in trouble the first time he died on Abydos all those years ago. He hadn't learned much from that experience because he'd done it twice more since. He'd often wondered how many deaths he'd experienced in quantum realities. How many lives had he used so far? How many did he have left? How would the next death happen? Would it be the final one? Did he accomplish all he'd set out to do? Done all the good he could? Been happy?
Most of all, he wondered how many mistakes a person was allowed during one lifetime. He was on his fourth life and he still wasn't even close to solving any of the good versus evil conundrums of existence. He'd told Teal'c he wanted to live, but did he really? If this was to be his new life, what was there in the future to live for except more pain, disappointment and struggle in exchange for his good deeds? His Jaffa friend's comments about perfection and the future were so close to the primal depths of pain and confusion that were surfacing, he wondered if Teal'c was as intuitively hyper observant as Jonas tended to be.
He'd talked to Janet about pain. Pain when he was awake. Pain in his dreams. All the worst of his past haunting him by night and seeping into each day. If only Sha're had lived and they had had a family. He would have liked being a father. With her he'd known that his work wasn't everything.
When this great adventure to save Earth and the universe was over, Teal'c would return to Chulack with his son and make a new life. Janet had her career and her daughter. Sam and Jack would someday have each other, he was sure of that. Jonas' adaptability and optimistic view of life would serve him well wherever he went. It all made sense and fit.
He still had his work. But even there he wasn't indispensable. Jonas had shown that to everyone in the year he was gone. Even with all he'd invested in the SGC and the people here, he wasn't irreplaceable.
No. That wasn't completely true. His friends had hurt deeply when he was no longer there. They had each shown him that in their own ways. The night Sam had come to his new apartment in town, cried long buried tears and talked with him until dawn. She was the closest he'd ever had to a sister and he loved her very much. Jack had been playing the understanding best friend to the hilt. The two of them were so different, yet they cared about each other like brothers. Jack didn't even yell at him anymore. The dinner conversation with Teal'c was consistent with the Jaffa's realistic treatment of him since his return. He bluntly pointed out the post-descension flaws he manifested periodically. He was his usual subtle self, using his exceptional wisdom to balance his newly restored friend's overzealous idealism. As had happened tonight, Teal'c only needed to give him a look for Daniel to know how out of line he was.
He definitely wasn't perfect. He had been given a very special gift and he needed to be worthy of it. But how? The old answers didn't fit anymore. Intellectually, he knew what he was doing was grossly out of phase with reality, but he rationalized his reckless compulsion to fix everything as part of who he was. He knew he was isolating himself from that reality by his behavior. If one of his good deeds ended his latest reincarnation, that was life. He'd already had three more than his fair share.
He had been warned what would happen when he returned to his own place and time, that the nightmares would manifest as a reminder of his past lives. It had come to pass already during the days he'd spent on Makry with Teal'c and the SG-7 scientists. All the peace and surety he'd gained from his experiences with the Tirani had evaporated. Now that he was truly home he was even more afraid of the price his unfinished business would require.
Of all his regrets, losing Janet was going to be the worst agony. What had begun so hopefully before he'd had to make another of his choices, was gone between them thanks to his anger and his secrets. He didn't blame her for distancing herself from him when he'd reached out to her earlier. He deserved it. He had betrayed what could have been between them. Rationalizing it as another time and another life wasn't good enough.
She had said that he shouldn't be afraid to sleep. But he was. He knew that as soon as his conscious mind gave way, new chaos would pour into his dreams. All the losses and failures of his lives would surround him along with this new despair. He would relive the destruction of Abydos again, suffering the loss of his family there. The dreams showed him what his waking self refused to accept. He had expended his last reincarnation and the way to the other side was closed to him forever. The pain was growing more agonizing than even his last death had been.
He stayed awake because the alternative to coming out of the dreams was a monstrous struggle to find his way back to reality and sanity. He was barely succeeding in balancing the past with the present so he could function. The greatest pain of all came when he attempted to envision his future. He would wake up in cold sweats, the sheets drenched, fearing, knowing that his deepest needs would never be realized. He wasn't worthy enough and he never had been. Even more frightening was that he was getting closer and closer to convincing himself that he never could be, no matter how hard he tried.
He knew he couldn't continue like this forever. He had to sleep sometime. The more he exhausted himself, the stronger the chance was that he would make a stupid mistake and get himself killed. Or worse, cause the death of someone else. It had almost happened recently.
The familiar headache throbbed, blurring his vision and numbing his other senses. He put each item carefully back into the rough leather case and closed it. He looked at the bed with its twisted sheets and rumpled comforter. His doctor had ordered him to get some sleep. He trusted her and would give it a try. He knew he would dream. Perhaps if he concentrated on Janet's gentle voice and kind eyes it would make a difference. He got into the bed and lay down.
The debriefing had been going on for well over an hour. As he stood at the large window that looked down on the Gate room, Daniel listened to the conversations flowing around the table behind him.
Jack was at the head of the table in General Hammond's place, with Teal'c to his right. Dr. Asran, a climatologist, was giving his final evaluation of the atmospheric conditions P1S-236 was dealing with for the future.
"The Hadij government's plan to move their entire civilization to the northern continent and rebuild there is a mistake. The climate is harsher than anything these people have ever experienced. Even if we help them solve the inherent problems of a subsistence environment by combining our technology with theirs, there is still the very real problem of the biological pollutants spreading from the other two continents. The dysfunctional weather patterns will see to that over the next two years."
Jack's voice was serious and focused as he asked, "Can't their scientists who created these bugs find ways to get rid of them?"
"Their people can," Dr. Conte, the team's senior biologist, said in her precise voice, "but there's still the matter of the Tirani viruses. And since the Tirani have all vanished from the planet, there's no one to ask."
Across the room, Daniel's jaw locked tightly. He had the answer they needed but wasn't about to share it. He had made a promise to keep the Tirani's secrets and he would honor it.
"When Major Carter gets back, I know she'll want to be involved in this. She's a genius with that genetics stuff. Is there anything we've missed?" Jack said looking around the table. Directing his gaze at Daniel's back, he raised his voice, "Dr. Jackson?"
Daniel turned around. His arms still folded across his chest and his voice neutral, he said, "The Hadij have asked us for help in relocating their Stargate when they move north."
"Afraid they might break it?" Jack commented.
The table of scientists looked at each other. From long experience with the SG-1 team, most just rolled their eyes. Two snickered quietly to themselves.
"Thank you everyone," Jack said as the men and women filed out of the room. He stood up and stretched, leaning heavily on the cane. Teal'c stood beside him. They exchanged nods then the Jaffa left the briefing room by the staircase leading down to the Gate room.
"You look like hell, Daniel," Jack said, taking a few slow steps away from the table.
The younger man took a few steps toward the table but in the opposite direction from the stone-faced colonel. "Thanks, Jack," Daniel replied, his voice kicking into its own sarcastic mode. "Your constructive observations are always welcome. Uh, how's the leg by the way?" he added, hoping to deflect the confrontation he sensed building from the hostile tone of Jack's voice.
"Better. And I owe you – again," Jack said acknowledging that it was Daniel who had saved his life during a terrorist attack in the Hadij capitol. "Mind telling me what that stunt was all about, disappearing for five days on that godforsaken planet?"
Daniel unfolded his arms but felt his eyes narrow and his lips compress into the standard attitude of determination Sam had told him he always took on when he and Jack argued. "Teal'c filled you in?"
"Damn right he did! Where were you?" Leaning more heavily on the cane, Jack walked toward Daniel.
Instinctively, Daniel began to back away. "Completing my mission."
Jack pounded his cane into the gray concrete floor creating a loud thump. "What were you trying to do, get yourself killed? Or are you just racking up lost hero time?"
Daniel looked directly into Jack's eyes. "I was asked to help in confidence and felt it was my responsibility to do so."
"I know that tone of voice. You're just saying that to get me off your case. It won't work! Not this time!"
"Please stop yelling, Jack. I hear you," Daniel said, as he and Jack stood directly opposite each other, the table between them.
Jack glared at Daniel but suppressed the anger in his voice, "The glowey folks gave you a monumental case of amnesia but I didn't think it included your common sense. You're taking that old sense of responsibility thing too far."
"If there were consequences, they would have been on my head."
Daniel's calm response irritated Jack all over again. "There's a difference between hopeless situations and what's possible! You should be able to tell them apart by now!"
"Is this your 'meaning of life' wisdom for today?" Daniel said, his voice louder and more strident than he intended.
"Yes!" Jack yelled back. "I won't go through that dead best friend routine again!"
Daniel closed his eyes tightly. When he opened them he said in a very soft voice, "I'll be more careful from now on. I promise."
A surprised expression crossed Jack's face, then he reached into his pocket and took out a key ring. As he tossed it to Daniel, he said, "Those are the keys to my cabin in Minnesota. They're yours. Take a vacation. A couple of weeks to start, so I can catch up on all the sleep I've lost lately. Get some kind of life away from this place. Please!"
Daniel looked down at the set of keys he'd caught then back to Jack's anxiety hardened eyes. With a straight face, he asked, "Like the one you have?"
His leg throbbing from standing too long, Jack pulled out one of the chairs and sank into it. He exhaled loudly, "I'm workin' on it."
Daniel held up the keys, a half smile starting to show. "Are these mine to keep or just a one time loan?"
Jack hesitated, then said, "They're yours. You can use the cabin anytime, no questions asked."
"Thanks, I think."
From the Gate room below, Teal'c had seen O'Neill and Daniel Jackson arguing. When the younger man left, the colonel had come to the window, looked down at him and saluted. He had acknowledged the salute.
After twenty more minutes of patient waiting, the Stargate began to activate, its lights flashing, chevrons encoding and locking, all in cadence with Sgt. Davis' voice coming from the control room. With its usual whoosh, the event horizon blasted into the room then stabilized into its vertical wave formation. Seconds afterwards, Jonas Quinn stepped through and came down the ramp.
"It is good to see you again, Jonas Quinn," Teal'c said. "Were you able to procure the existent artifact we discussed?"
"Yes," the Kelownan answered, patting the black velvet pouch that hung from his shoulder on a white leather strap. "When is Major Carter due back from Washington?"
"She and General Hammond will arrive here early this evening," Teal'c said as they exited the Gate room and started down the corridor.
"Where's Daniel?"
"He should be back in his office by now."
"Good," Jonas said as they stopped at the elevator. He slid his ID card through the scanner. "I'll meet you in the commissary for lunch?" The elevator opened and Jonas stepped in.
"I will see you there, my friend," Teal'c answered.
Daniel jingled the keys in his hand then put them in his pocket. He looked around his office trying to remember what he'd planned to do today. The confrontation with Jack had depleted the limited reserves of energy he'd started the day with. He had slept a little. Too little.
He rubbed the back of his neck to loosen the headache tension that was making its way into his shoulders and back. The thermos he'd had filled in the commissary very early this morning was almost empty. It had already been a long day.
"Is this a bad time, Daniel?" Jonas Quinn said from the doorway.
Daniel put on a smile and said, "No, not at all. It's good to see you again, Jonas. Would you like some coffee?"
"Please. The time difference between here and PR9-J4D is giving me a gate lag headache." He stood beside Daniel who was seated at his desk surrounded by notebooks and papers. "Your mission was successful, I see."
As Daniel removed a spare mug from his desk drawer and reached for the thermos, he reminded himself that Jonas no longer possessed any psychic abilities. Yet his statement had been phrased as if he somehow knew what had happened on P1S-236. Deciding that posing a question was the best diversion, he asked, "How is your mission going with SG-19's new group of psychics?" and he handed Jonas the mug of coffee he'd poured from the now empty thermos.
Taking a sip, Jonas answered, "Psychotics."
"What?" Daniel chuckled, not sure he'd heard right.
Jonas laughed softly, "Colonel O'Neill calls my team the SG psychotics."
Daniel's lips thinned. "That's our Jack. Always open-minded."
"I took a little time off to get away from a sandstorm," Jonas said inverting the breast pocket of the beige desert fatigues he was wearing. A small pile of sand collected on the floor at his feet. "Sorry about that."
Daniel laughed lightly. Since his return, he and Jonas had developed an easy, relaxed friendship. It was different from his other SGC relationships because there was very little history to color their conversations. Even the specter of that day in the Kelownan lab had assumed a silent aura of acceptance between them.
"I also wanted to bring you this." Jonas removed the leather strap from his shoulder, wrapped it around the pouch and handed it to Daniel.
Daniel took the pouch and put it on his desk. The thin leather strap slipped easily through the wide loops of the pouch. He removed the elongated object that was wrapped in an unusually thick piece of richly embroidered purple silk. The exceptionally soft material fell away, revealing a seamless piece of black obsidian.
"It's a bell shrine. Rather, an alien version of one." Daniel turned the highly polished six-inch oblong object over in his hands inspecting the surface closely. "Where did you find this?"
"An art dealer I've gotten to know on Hebridan was showing it for one of his clients. I liked it and bought it. I was hoping you would have time to translate the markings for me."
"I'll give it a try. Hebridan is the planet you discovered last year. Fascinating culture. Two races living side by side, one native, the other brought there by force by the Goa'uld. The humans, descendents of Goidelic people here on Earth, and the Serrakins live in harmony and intermarry. I read about them in the mission journal you left here," Daniel said as he put on his glasses and crossed to one of the bookcases on the far wall. He retrieved a notebook with a black and white splotched cover and started leafing through the pages. When he looked over his glasses, he noticed an odd expression on Jonas' face. It was familiar and he asked, "You did leave this here for the archives, right?"
Jonas shrugged and said, "Sure." He sat on a stool next to the big workstation across from Daniel's desk. "The humans are a mixture of Irish, Scots from the western highlands and Celts from the Hebrides chain. They're very technologically advanced thanks to the Serrakins but the Druid influence on their spirituality is straight out of Stonehenge, especially in the rural communities."
Daniel picked up the academic conversation, "The bell shrine was an important part of Celtic mythology and liturgy. They were made of native stone using traditional images and variations of Celtic knot patterns. This piece has been crafted like fine jewelry." Daniel placed the bell shrine and the book on the worktable next to Jonas. He found the page he was looking for, then picked up a magnifying glass. "The knot design is made up of finely engraved symbols that could be a variant of the language they use now."
"It is but the only words I know are the ones the dealer told me. The larger symbols at the top translate to anek karam. It means soul friend."
Daniels forehead wrinkled in thought. "Soul friend. Hmm. Anam cara in Gaelic means soul friend."
"I knew you'd make a connection. You're the expert."
Daniel laughed harshly, "You give me too much credit." As he continued examining the bell shrine, he admitted to himself that he'd come to envy Jonas' still intact innocence, with its emotional openness that hadn't been scarred by the wounds and demons he himself had collected during his lives. "You did very well taking my place for a year."
Jonas' usually casual directness was missing from his voice, "I could never take your place. Your friends would never let me."
Daniel looked up at him puzzled. "I thought…"
"They tolerated me, especially the colonel, for a long time," he explained, with no hint of resentment or self-pity.
"I had no idea. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I've never known a group of people who cared so much about each other, including my own family. Even when their pain was the worst, right after you died, I knew I could depend on them."
Daniel looked at Jonas thoughtfully, and then said, "Tell me the things they won't."
Jonas took a deep breath as if he was about to get something off his chest that he'd been concealing for a long time. "Did you ever wonder why all your possessions were so neatly boxed and crated when they were delivered to your new apartment?'
"Yes, and nothing was missing. Except for the fish, which you took very good care of for me."
With a whimsical smile, Jonas said, "I enjoyed their company." His voice became serious again. "Colonel O'Neill wouldn't let anything of yours go. Deep inside he never accepted that you were gone forever. I lost track of the number of times Teal'c called me Daniel Jackson. Sam's silences and sad looks when she came into this room continued until the day you were home again. I know for a fact that they would do anything to keep you safe and here. If you were to die again too soon, they would never recover. "
The look in Jonas' eyes told Daniel that he did know more about what had happened on P1S-236 than he'd let on. The words were too close to reality. His psy powers were definitely gone but his naturally enhanced alien instincts were still strong. Along with the quiet strength he always displayed in even the most perilous situations, there was a growing richness and depth to his personality. He had become a valuable asset to the SGC. The next time he headed up a mission, he would insist on Jonas being a part of the team. He waited for the younger man to continue. When he didn't, Daniel asked a question he had held back since his return, "And what about you, Jonas Quinn?'
"I hope someday I'll earn your forgiveness," Jonas said in a quiet, humble voice.
"There's nothing to forgive," Daniel said earnestly.
"Yes, there is. All the pain and sorrow you and the people who love you have endured is because of me. I think of that each morning and before I close my eyes in sleep at night. I try each day to do something to make amends."
"You have no reason to feel guilt or obligation, Jonas. I let go of my anger long before I came home."
Jonas stared intently at Daniel. "Dr. Fraiser told me the worst emptiness she felt after you died was losing the presence of your gentle heart. Now I understand what she meant."
"She said that?" Daniel asked, his voice matching the stunned expression on his face.
Jonas'green eyes flickered for a second and he nodded. "You have a passage marked in your bible, 'For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life…"
Daniel continued the passage, " 'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Psalms, thirtieth chapter, fifth verse. The ultimate hope of the living." He looked at the other man in compatible empathy and held out his hand, "Thank you."
Jonas took Daniel's hand with a strong grip, a brilliant smile lighting his face.
The corridors on Level 25 were empty. Major Samantha Carter pulled the door of her room closed. Her long legs took her quickly down the corridor. The white satin of her robe swished softly against the matching fabric of her flare-legged nightwear bottoms. In her hand she held a small white bakery bag.
She was very late and she was very pissed. Of all the days for bad weather, delayed flights and long-winded politicians to mess up carefully orchestrated plans. She headed down a second corridor that led to Daniel's room.
Daniel put the open book down on the table, then threw his glasses across its spine. It had taken him ten minutes to reread one page and he still had no idea what he'd read. He pressed his fingers against his closed eyelids, hoping the aching behind his eyes would let go a little.
As usual, the room's silence amplified his shallow breathing and the racing blood pounding through his head. They had become comforting sounds because it meant he was alive. This time, his exhaustion was keeping him awake, not his fear of sleep.
After Jonas left, he'd avoided contact with anyone else. He'd kept the door closed during the brief time he spent in Sam's lab. Out of necessity, he'd made two quick trips to the commissary to get food that he brought back to his rarely locked office.
The one person he did want to see was off base for the day and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. As he thought about some things he wanted to discuss with his doctor when he saw her again, his eyes fell on the bell shrine he'd placed in the center of the table. He reached out and touched it. The odd warmth it had begun to give off as it changed color from black to a rich shade of plum was somehow comforting because it was so unexpected and out of place.
There was a knock on the door and he heard Sam's voice outside calling his name. He thought of not answering, pretending he was asleep. But he couldn't do that to Sam.
As he opened the door, he finished tying the belt of his robe and said, "Hey, Sam."
Before he could say anything else, Sam threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. The momentum of her body against his made Daniel back up into the room, with Sam still clinging to him. When he felt her arms letting go, he was able to move them both into the room far enough so he could close the door.
Breathlessly he asked, "What was that for?"
"All the way back on the plane, I couldn't decide whether to punch you for disappearing for five days without a word to anyone or hug you because you're home safe. I figured the colonel would have already raked you over the coals in his own unique way by the time I got here, so…"
"I get a hug. And yes, he did."
"Good," and she punched him in the arm.
"Ow," Daniel said rubbing the spot on his upper arm that she'd hit.
Sam grabbed the hand of the same arm and dragged him over to the table. Still holding his hand as they sat closely across from each other, she asked, "Talk to me, Daniel? Tell me about the Tirani and where they went?"
Daniel smiled at the way Sam had quickly switched into her scientist hat. He let go of her hand and leaned back in the chair. "I can't."
"Daniel?" When he didn't answer, Sam said, "You are so stubborn."
"So I've been told, many times."
"How about a bribe?" and she handed him the white bag.
Daniel opened the bag. "Chocolate walnut cookies." He offered them to Sam. When she shook her head, he reclosed the bag and put it on the table. The smile disappeared. "Ask me a question I can answer."
"Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm fine," he lied, pushing his defensive walls fully into place.
"Are you, really?" Sam asked, her voice a blend of anger and fear. "I want you to be happy, Daniel. I want it so much. But what I've seen, what we've all seen lately is scaring the hell out of us."
"I've felt a little lost, that's all," he lied again. Of all his friends, Sam should be the one he could talk to the easiest but it just didn't feel right.
"I know this sounds crazy, but have you ever thought of leaving the SGC? There's a whole universe out there. You could go anywhere, do anything with your brilliant mind and that insatiable curiosity of yours."
"Trying to get rid of me?" he asked, curious as to where her thoughts were heading.
"There was a time, not too long ago, that I wanted you back here with us more than anything. When you were back, I never wanted to let you out of my sight." Sam's voice shifted from intense to her familiar empathy, "But if your life here isn't enough, then you need to move on."
"You may be right," Daniel said thoughtfully.
"I know I am. Whenever you've had to make a choice between the past and the future, you've always chosen what can still be created instead of what's dead and gone. Don't change now." Sam took hold of Daniel's hands that he'd rested in his lap.
Daniel felt Sam's fingers slowly intertwine with his. She was staring into his eyes as if she was trying to read his emotions. As much as he understood what she was doing, he slowly disengaged his hands from hers. He saw a flash of disappointment cross her face that he was withdrawing from her show of affection.
Sam pulled away from Daniel and leaned her arms on the table, her fingers tightly clenched. Her left arm brushed against the bell shrine and she felt a mildly jarring electrical shock. "What's that?"
Daniel took a deep breath, grateful for the diversion. "That is called a bell shrine. It's a gift from Jonas. It's also a mystery."
Sam picked up the bell shrine and hefted it in her hand. She moved her fingers across the surface. "It's light. Too light for what it appears to be. From the tingling sensation I feel, I'd guess that there's some type of power source inside. Want me to do some tests?"
"I already have, in your lab. It's not the volcanic obsidian rock I first thought. It's a crystal, very much like our diamond but one hundred times stronger. Also, when Jonas first gave it to me it was black."
"Very peculiar. What other tests did you run?"
"A preliminary carbon dating was ambivalent. The artifact could be anywhere between five days to five thousand years old. And there's no indication that there's anything inside. It's one solid piece."
Sam's facial expression combined surprise and curiosity. "I can do some further tests if you'd like?"
Daniel took the bell shrine from Sam's hand. "No. I'd like to keep the mystery."
"That's a strange thing for a social scientist to say. I didn't think you believed in magic."
He asked very seriously, "Why not? I've been indoctrinated with the mythology and religion of hundreds of societies and cultures, here and from other worlds. Even you have to acknowledge that some things can't be explained by intellectual exercises."
"I have to believe that, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Don't ever tell Colonel O'Neill I said that, though. He feels the same about the occult as he does about scientists. Bah, humbug!"
They both laughed. Daniel continued, "The engraving looks like a simple knot design but it's actually text. It tells a story identical to the Celtic myth of Tam Lin and his lover Janet."
"I missed that one in Ancient Lit 101. Enlighten me," Sam said, her interest in Daniel's story-telling talents sincere.
"In the myth, Janet was the daughter of a high king of Scotland. She meets a handsome stranger in a wooded area on the castle grounds. He beguiles her and they become lovers. What she doesn't know is that he's from the Otherworld, the spirit guardian of the hill. Her father finds out that she's with child and threatens to make her marry someone of his choosing unless she identifies her lover. She also learns that the Great Queen of the Otherworld is enraged that one of her own has taken a mere mortal as lover. As punishment, she commands that Tam Lin be sacrificed at the winter solstice observance of Samhain. Are you still with me, Sam?"
She tucked one leg under her and leaned forward. "Yeah, it's a great story so far. What happens next?"
"Janet waits until the eve of the feast when everyone is occupied elsewhere to slip away. She finds Tam Lin after overcoming many obstacles and is forced to endure frightening and painful trials to save him from death. Just when she is most in despair, she offers to sacrifice her own life if he is allowed to live. The Queen is forced to withdraw back to her own world by the overwhelming power of Janet's love for Tam Lin."
Daniel watched Sam's eyes, waiting for her to say something. When she did finally speak, he was pleased with his scientist friend's reaction. "And they lived happily ever after," Sam whispered.
"In the ancient Celtic world of myth, yes."
"It may happen a little differently in the real world, but that kind of love does exist. It's hard to find, but it's possible," she said softly, tears glistening in her eyes.
Daniel had sensed something deeply personal in Sam's voice and said, "Sometimes you surprise me, Sam."
"It's a hope I hold onto," she said, wiping her eyes. She stood up and covered a yawn "Sorry. It's been a long day and I have an early meeting with a bunch of very discouraged scientists. If you'd like to sit in, we can have breakfast together first?"
Daniel stood beside her and smiled, "Seven thirty in the commissary."
Sam put her arms around his neck lightly. "I hope you find whatever it is that'll make all your sadness go away, Daniel. While you're looking, just remember I'm always here."
"Thanks, Sam."
"No," she responded poignantly. "Thank you," and she closed the door behind her.
After the door clicked shut, Daniel sat back down at the table and picked up the bell shrine. As he held it, the warmth returned and surged through the entire object. The lines of text began to glow pink until fine threads of light covered the entire piece. The affect was even more pleasant than it had been before. He felt what he could only describe as a calming in his soul that seemed to be easing the pain in his body.
The full impact of his long sleep deprivation swept over him and his eyelids closed heavily. He hoped, no, he prayed that he wouldn't have to endure another night of mental pain battering his physical body.
He felt hands gently settling on his shoulders and his eyes snapped open. "Sam?"
"No," a woman's lilting voice said. Her fingers began tenderly kneading the rigid muscles of his neck.
Daniel's body tensed. "Who are you?"
The woman laughed lightly, "The correct question is, who will I be." Her hands slipped down his chest and rested on the folds of his partially open robe.
"All right, then. Who will you be?" He tried to pull away from her arms. With a compelling pressure, she eased his head back against her breasts. The warmth of the woman's body through the thin layer of her clothing brought a flush to his face. Along with it, the brief sense of panic he had experienced disappeared.
The woman kissed the top of his head as her fingertips made circular wispy tracks down his collarbones. Saying each word slowly and lovingly, she answered, "Your lover, your wife and the mother of your child."
His body trembled from the heat of her touch. He knew the voice. It was very familiar, rich and dulcet, an octave lower in tone than Sam's. He wanted, needed to hear the voice again. "If what you say is true, how will all of this happen?"
"When the time is right, you'll see and hear and taste and touch the how." Her delicate hands pushed aside the fabric of his robe and began playing lightly on his chest, with slow swirls exploring his upper body.
A steadily increasing warmth seeped into his skin and spread through him with each motion of her fingers. It brought with it intense feelings of passion and desire. Expecting that this was all an illusion and he would feel only empty air, Daniel reached up and took the woman's hands in his. When he felt solid, warm flesh, he was amazed and delighted. Slowly he began caressing the length of her bare arms. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back further and let his entire being sink deeply into the warmth of her. He relaxed completely and the peace enfolded him.
His closed eyelids reflected shadowy images back to his brain. As the light increased, the visions took on form and substance. Like photographs from a family album, he was shown a kaleidoscope of celebrations, events and vignettes of a future life.
A soft, sweet summer morning, standing by open patio doors. Her head just reaches his shoulder, his chin in her silky, fragrant hair. He holds her close in front of him, her body molding perfectly with his, his hands resting on her enlarged abdomen. He knows the child in her body is his.
Holiday lights reflecting on fresh unbroken snow. A gathering of friends, laughter, blessings, the joy of being together, another new year about to begin.
The salty scent of the ocean, foaming waves lapping around a small boy's feet. He picks the child up in his arms and wades in, his son giggling loudly.
The taste of strawberries, music and dancing, leaves crunching underfoot, wood smoke, fresh baked bread, the vibrant colors of a spring garden and through it all she is always there, always loving him, wanting him, needing him.
The visions faded, gently, softly, leaving behind an all-encompassing contentment. For the first time in weeks, Daniel didn't have a headache. He brushed his cheek against her arm in gratitude. The woman laughed deep in her throat as if he'd tickled her.
"Is all this real or just a dream?" he asked.
The woman's voice quivered ever so faintly, "It can be real. The choice is up to you."
Daniel smiled then asked, "And your choice?"
"It's already been made," she said with conviction.
His voice catching, Daniel asked, "Say the words, please?"
She leaned forward, putting her mouth close to his ear. Her soft breath whispered, "I love you, Daniel."
The passionate emotions that surrounded him began to weaken and dissipate. The woman's hands released their hold on his body and slid back to his shoulders. He grabbed both her wrists and wrapped his fingers around them so she couldn't move any further.
"I have to go now," she said reluctantly.
"Stay, please?" Whatever this night turned out to be, dream, reality, illusion, Daniel knew he couldn't let it end yet.
Her voice unsure and a little frightened, she said, "I shouldn't."
He gradually released her hands, taking the risk that she wouldn't disappear. He heard the nervous increase of her breathing. Keeping his back to her, he shut off all the lights in the room.
When the room was totally dark he stood beside the bed and turned to face where she was standing. Despite the powerful feelings that were controlling him, he waited calmly. He didn't need any light to know when she stood in front of him. The heat from both their bodies drew them together like a magnet. He felt her wanting as strongly as he felt his own.
The first tentative, exploring touches accelerated quickly. The tactile sensations were heightened and increased by the darkness. Daniel leaned down and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Janet."
Her arms reached up and wound around his neck. Her mouth met his, sultry, sensuous, erotic. He matched her palpable passion easily and eagerly. Their hands and mouths fondling, tasting, devouring each other hungrily, they collapsed across the waiting bed.
The clock on the nightstand read 6:43 am. Daniel stretched languidly across the warm bed. He had slept for only a few hours but it felt like much longer. He shifted his weight again, enjoying the lithe, pain-free movements of his body.
He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to let go of the visions that still saturated his mind.
He shivered as he relived the moment he and his dream Janet had been consumed by the climactic ecstasy of their lovemaking.
As he came further awake, the elevated intensity of all his senses began to fade. The first thing he noticed was the silence in the room. He opened his eyes and the sharpness and clarity of everything he'd experienced during the night slipped away. But it didn't matter. It would all come to be in his real world. She had said when the time was right. Today was a good time to start. His thirty-eighth birthday was looming and he wasn't going to waste anymore of this new life.
He threw aside the covers and let his bare feet hit the carpeted floor. He walked around the room picking up his clothes, books, toiletries, all the things he'd collected in his self-imposed purgatory. He flung them randomly into the large duffel bag he took out of the wardrobe. It was time to go home. His barely lived-in new apartment needed to be aired out, the accumulated cobwebs cleared from all the corners, just as his soul had finally been cleansed.
The first thing he would do when he got home was dust off his extensive collection of jazz and rhythm and blues music. There had been far too much silence around him. He'd make arrangements to have the piano tuned too. It probably needed it after all this time. It would be good to play again.
He would stock the refrigerator with more than just the simple basics he normally bought. He wanted to plan the menu for a special dinner he would be having soon, and maybe even a breakfast. He laughed loudly. He was definitely getting ahead of himself.
The items from the table were the most important, the tangible gifts his friends had given him. He opened the large round case that contained all the loss and pain of his past. He added the bag of cookies with its implied sweetness and the keys that signified a new level of trust and friendship. He picked up the black crystal bell shrine. It could now be a simple piece of delicate artwork, its hidden power quiescent. The warmth and light didn't need to manifest any longer. Whether it was made of rational technology or magical illusion, it had shown him the truth about himself and his future possibilities. It had given him dreams that he could bring to life in the real world.
The one thing Oma Desala had said that was true was that the future is never certain. Over the last two days, his friends had shown him, with their intangible gifts, the most important element – hope. Jack had reminded him, again, that there's always a way over, around, through any obstacle. Daniel now believed that, despite Jack's reputation as a hard-nosed s-o-b, his best friend's faith was the strongest of all of them. He would keep his promise to be more careful.
The passage Jonas had chosen from one of this world's most important books was, as he'd described it, the ultimate hope of the living. That this alien young man had shown himself to be so human and so much a part of their world in such a short time amazed him. He was an outcast from his own planet, branded a traitor, but he kept his enthusiasm and compassion. The handshake had been his symbolic absolution to his newest friend.
Teal'c had known what the case's return would mean to him beyond the obvious. His actions and words were further aspects of his change from angry Jaffa, raging at the Goa'uld and the slavery of his people, to a philosopher warrior and mentor to the young, even an old friend like him. The spontaneous smiles and laughter Teal'c shared with them now that he was free of the parasitic evil of the Goa'uld symbiote were priceless. Daniel respected the big, quiet man as he would a father.
Sam's acknowledgement that she still believed the love she sought was possible was an extra gift to him. He wanted her happiness so much. The best way he knew of to assure that she would never give up her hope was to create his own happiness. It was the gift he would give her in return for her love.
He would give all of them what they wanted so badly for him and from him. He would go after his deepest heart's desire by creating a true home for himself, one he would leave from and go back to each day. He would have what he had missed in his own childhood by making a complete life for his own child.
In one of the later images he'd experienced, he saw himself with thin white hair like his grandfather's, the lines on his face showing the passage of many years. His de-ascension punishment had given him back the flesh and blood body he required to truly embrace his life this time. He would live a long time but he still had to be careful.
The two sets of dreams were now melded into one. All the parts that had been created in the past and tempered in the present had conjoined perfectly to form an extraordinary future. He had become stronger than he had ever believed was possible and felt a new intensity building. His work would change as his priorities shifted, taking on a richness and texture he looked forward to. He would do more than simply be the conscience of the SGC, arguing points of philosophy and ethics. He would take the lead and be the initiator. He had started the transition on P1S-236. It had come as naturally as breathing. At last, he knew who he truly was and accepted himself. He couldn't fix everything but he would shake things up. This was his new path.
All of this would require taking very different risks than he ever had before. The moment he would walk into the infirmary to talk to Janet would be the biggest risk and was even more important than his work. Her gift of words had been the most intangible of all. That she loved him and had kept silent for so long was almost too much to grasp. It was a fact he took quite seriously after last night. He would need to give life and meaning to the right words so she would want them to become actions between them. He did know one thing. His work, and that included the SGC, would always take second place to caring for his future family.
He looked at the clock. Seven sixteen. He grabbed a set of fresh clothes from the dresser drawer, ones that weren't SGC blue, green, black or beige. He still had to shower and shave so he could get to the commissary in time to tell Sam he was skipping the meeting.
His primary objective was the infirmary. He hoped it would be a quiet day for Janet. He had a lot to say to her. A sudden pang of doubt passed through him. What if she backed away as she had two days ago? Quickly he shook off the unfounded anxiety. His misplaced passivity had already deprived them of years of happiness together. He reminded himself that the real Janet had missed his gentle heart. She'd shown him just that when he'd come back after being missing for five days. She hadn't felt free to express her feelings then and he wasn't ready to hear her. At the pinnacle of their climax together, the dream Janet had asked him to say the words again. And he had. He wouldn't question why this Janet loved him. Instead he would ask what he could do to make her feel truly and completely loved.
He took a deep breath. He needed to take this one step at a time. He was the one who had lived the night of dreams. The woman who was going to be the major part of the rest of his life needed time to catch up. He was being given another chance to have love along with his new life. He wasn't going to risk losing it. And he wouldn't let anything stand in his way either.
Jonas and Teal'c had chosen the table because of its clear, direct view of the commissary entrance. Jack and Sam had joined them a few minutes later. In between bites and sips and chewing they took turns watching the doorway.
At seven forty-six, Jack stopped the forkful of pancake he'd been about to put in his mouth and poked Sam in the ribs with his elbow. "Carter?"
Collectively, they followed his gaze to the doorway. The three senior SGC members immediately recognized the very familiar stance Daniel had taken as he scanned the room. His hands were in his pockets, his body relaxed, waiting. There was a half-amused expression on his face as his eyes took in everything around him.
"Sweeeet," Jack said smiling widely.
"Yes!" Sam added enthusiastically.
"Semue," Teal'c said quietly.
"Amen," Jonas concluded gratefully.
When Daniel saw his friends, he smiled. His easy, confident gait brought him to their table. "Good morning everyone."
The three passive-faced men answered in mixed chorus tones, "Good morning."
"Hey, Daniel," Sam said brightly. "We still have time before the meeting if you'd like to have breakfast?"
"I'm going to pass on both, Sam. I have something very important to do today," Daniel answered, his voice decisive and his smile broad.
"Too bad," Jack drawled laconically, then put a forkful of syrup-drenched pancake in his mouth.
"That's fine," Sam said as she kicked Jack's shin with her boot-covered foot. He winced briefly then continued eating.
"I'm not due back on PR9-J4D until late tonight. I'd be happy to take notes for you," Jonas offered eagerly.
"It would please me to represent you as your 2IC, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c added.
Daniel's head tilted to the side in reaction to their odd behavior. "Thanks."
General Hammond came up beside Daniel and said, "It's good to have you back, Dr. Jackson. I hope you slept well last night?" The four people seated at the table were totally silent and immobile.
"Yes, I did. Thank you." His voice projecting his confusion he said, "I'll catch up with all of you later." With a last puzzled look at his friends, he turned and hurried out of the room.
General Hammond looked at the four people sitting like statues at the table and asked, "Did I miss something?"
As Daniel went out the door and disappeared, Jack, Sam, Teal'c and Jonas began laughing. The volume and depth of their laughter increased and filled the room. Almost everyone in the crowded commissary stared briefly. Then they went back to their meals, preparing for another day at Stargate Command.