Disclaimer: I don't own the show and the characters. Everything belongs to Shondaland and abc.
Warning: contains self-harm. STOP READING IF YOU MIGHT GET TRIGGERED. If you need someone to talk to I'm always available.
Chapter 1:
"Snap out of it? Snap out of this?! How the hell am I supposed to snap out of it when you cut of my leg!"
The fight kept playing in my head.
Arizona isn't Arizona anymore- she's just a shell of the Arizona I married. Since she woke up from her surgery she's been lying down in bed all day, just staring at the wall. All of her anger, frustration and sorrow is directed at me.
Maybe it is my fault.
While she was in unimaginable amount of pain, freezing and almost dying in the woods I was lying in out comfortable bed thinking about having sex. While I was selfishly thinking about my desires and complaining about her absence she was fighting to live. When she woke up in the hospital at Boise I wasn't there for her. When she almost died from an infection I was operating on someone else. Whenever she needed me I wasn't there.
Arizona has always been the strong one, the good man in the storm. And I was… me. Selfish, childish, whining, annoying I can't believe she stayed with me all this time. I was such a terrible girlfriend and wife, while she was the best person I could ask for.
All those thought made my heart clench. I felt the tears started to blur my vision so I decided to take a shower. Since the crash the shower and supply closets were my only escape places- I would cry my heart out, then wipe my tears and put a smile on my face and carry on as if nothing happened.
Before I went into the shower I stared at myself in the mirror. I felt ashamed at myself, ashamed at the fact that I have 2 legs while Arizona doesn't; ashamed that I never appreciated enough what I had; ashamed I caused Arizona so much pain. I wished I was never born.
I turned on the water and walked into the shower. That's when I let myself breakdown. I cried and cried for what seemed like forever. I thought crying would help but it only made me feel worse.
Suddenly my eyed caught on an object lying next to the shower.
A razor.
Without thinking I took it and held it in my hand for a few minutes. Then I did it- I took the razor and firmly and confidently made one single cut on my thiegh. I saw how my skin tore and blood came out. There was something surprisingly relaxing about it. Like all the crap in my life didn't matter anymore.
For the first time since the crash I didn't think about Mark, Arizona, Sofia and all the stress in my life. Only the relaxing sensation of blood coming out. Finally the pain was gone.
I made another cut right next to the first one to make myself feel even better. S
I went out of the shower and put on a pajama. I went to sleep on the couch, like I did since Arizona came back home.
I fell asleep feeling peaceful not worrying about what tomorrow will bring.
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I don't really know what cutting feels like but that's what I heard.
If you are cutting yourself PLEASE find someone you trust and talk about it 3