|AN|: There is one thing that every true THG, everlark, fanfiction-writing fan has to do at least once. That one thing is to write a "growing back together" story. Well, I consider myself a THG fan (DUH!), an everlark freak (Do you even have to ask?) and a fanfiction writer (Weeeeell... A poor one but still!). Seems I'm just doomed to write the "growing back together" fic. It's not my best story, but I've just had a chat with the Katniss and Peeta that live in my head and they wanted it to turn like this. And who am I to argue with them?

So here you have part 1, Katniss' POW. I like that Katniss of mine. She's not exactly the same Katniss that we got to meet in the books, but I do believe she was greatly changed by the revolution, Prim's death and what happened to Peeta. She's a different woman now, and she wants to tell you a bit about herself.

As always, any feedback is greatly appreciated. There's nothing more important to a writer, even a poor one, than to hear (read) what people think about their work. So please, if you feel like it, fav, subscribe and review!
Sorry for the grammar!

Burn me with fire, drown me with rain.

Part I: Katniss

I wake up covered in cold sweat and hot tears, panting for breath in panic. I've had that nightmare a couple of times already and it always goes the same way.

I am laying in a grave, deep under the ground, the hole smelling of blood, white roses, dirt and my own sweat. I'm unable to make a sound, I can't scream or cry out. I'm more mute then an Avox.

They are there too. All of the people for whose deaths I consider myself being responsible- Finnick, Boggs, Rue, Madge, Cato, Marvel, Cinna, Prim. Hundreds of others- faces that I recognize form 12 but can't remember their names, or the children that died in front of Snow's mansion when all of the parachutes blew up. Everything, my fault. No wonder, that in the dream, that horrible, terrifying nightmare, they are all throwing shovel after shovel of dirt on me, screaming at me for letting them down. For killing them. I claw at the walls of the stinky ground surrounding me as they keep burying me alive.
I think that maybe I deserve it after all.

The noise doesn't stop when I wake up, though. How come I can still hear it? That haunting sound of a shovel hitting the dried ground over and over again. Maybe it's simply imprinted in my memory for good now? Maybe it's something that would haunt me for the rest of my miserable life as a constantly played horrifying song in my ears?

Reluctantly I open my heavy eyelids and notice, that the room is now filled with sunlight streaming from the open window. Greasy Sae had to be here earlier, she had to move the thick curtains aside and open it. I wouldn't bother to do something like that on my own.

I hear a clatter and the sound of shoveling stops abruptly. A couple of different noises sound through the window instead and I find myself uncharacteristically fascinated by them.

Maybe it's Haymitch?

No. I can't think of a thing he would willingly do with a shovel.

I force myself to get out of bed, something that I was avoiding doing since I came back to twelve. There is no point of getting up, really. For what?

I'm stuck in my own mind for months now, living in the memories of death and destruction.

Of my pure, innocent dead sister Prim. Consumed by the fire.

Of my pure, innocent dead ally and friend Rue. A spear burrowed in her chest.

Of my pure, innocent, lovely dead father. Buried alive hundreds of feet underground.

Of my pure, innocent, brave and oh so broken Peeta. Clouded eyes, shiny memories. Real or not real?

Of everything pure and innocent that seemed to be designed that way only to be destroyed in the end.

That's how the pathetic excuse of a life I have goes for weeks now. I lay on a bed like a vegetable or sit on the couch and stare at one spot, unmoving. Pictures are playing in my mind, showing me only the most horrible moments, only the worst images that I've seen in my life.

Dead bodies among the ruins of my beloved district. Body parts splayed out of the corpses and thrown across the burned ground of what used to be 12. Children on fire, never able to form a scream the moment they died. My name on Prim's lips right before her body caught on fire and blew into ashes. Finnick's head being ripped from his body, blood sipping from the rest of what was left of him. Johanna's bloodied head, shaved bold and covered in scars. Peeta's thin silhouette, his beaten up hollow cheeks, his bruised hands closing around my throat with unbelievable force…

I haven't killed myself. Not yet.

I believe I have to suffer first to redeem my wrongs. Or maybe I simply don't have enough guts to do so. Or maybe I don't want Peeta to have the imprint of my teeth on the back of his hand for nothing.

"Let me go!"

"I can't."

I'm a fire mutt, I don't deserve death.

That's what I believe is the obvious.

In a haze I make my way to the window, the light blinding my sleepy eyes as I go. I need to find the source of that agonizing sound.

My heart stops when I hesitantly poke my head out. For a second all I can see is a dark silhouette, as my eyes are trying to adjust to the brightness. Even seeing only the dark shape of his figure I can tell who he is. I would recognize that beautiful silhouette anywhere.

My vision clears a second later and I see the blonde hair shining in the noon light, the pale skin that seems to glow like a marble. Little beads of sweat are covering it's not-so-smooth-anymore texture and firm muscles are flexing under an orange t-shirt. Five o'clock shadow covers his cheeks, now fuller than the last time I saw him. Peeta.

He's home.

I don't even register what's happening, but suddenly I find myself opening the front door as I flee outside without a thought.

The next thing I know, I'm standing directly in front of him at loss of what to say, what to do.

He startles slightly, stopping whatever he was doing and for the first time in months his eyes find mine. I feel a strong tug on my heart when I see that the color of his irises it the same blue I remember looking at me with concern when I was leaving him under the lightning tree. I look at him and see Peeta. My Peeta.

"Katniss…" He says my name gently as if afraid I would run away the moment he acknowledges my presence. Well, he's not so wrong to be honest, that's exactly what I would normally do. For some reason though, I don't have neither the will nor the energy to move from the spot.

"You're back." I state quietly and notice my voice is hoarse and trembling from the lack of talking. It sounds strange, almost alien. He nods slowly at that and I see him taking me in with a slight frown and concern in his eyes. That's when I realize I have to look positively horrible. My hair tangled and matted, clothes baggy and far from fresh and my skin- dry, pale and covered with scars. I bet I look like death itself.

"Doctor Aurelius only let me leave yesterday morning. I took the first train and… I'm here." I nod at that, trying to force something resembling a smile out of myself, but my muscles are so stiff that I seem to be unable to show any kind of expression. "He asked me to tell you to answer your phone. He said he can't pretend he's treating you forever." He adds, but I decide to ignore it and look at what he was doing before I startled him with my presence.

That's when I notice the green bushes at his feet. They are covered with multiple purple flowers.

"I was in the woods in the morning and dug them out. Thought I would plant them here. For her." He says calmly. Primroses. He wants to plant them, for my sister. For my little Prim.

I feel the tears before I'm aware that I'm actually crying and I lock my eyes with his for a moment. I see his Adam's apple bob slowly up and down as he tries to keep his own tears at bay. He brings his hand slowly towards me, but retreats it before even reaching me. He's afraid to touch me, I can tell. I don't blame him for it. I take in his face slowly and see his forehead is covered in sweat, his cheeks reddish from the heat. I flee back home before he has a chance to say a word.

I bolt into the kitchen and reach to the cabinet for a clean glass. I'm not even thinking what am I doing as I fill it with cold water and rush out again. I reach him in express time, handing him the glass without a word. He seems baffled but takes the glass and drinks the water down in few gulps.

"Thank you." We say at the same time and I have a strange urge to smile at him, especially as I see the corners of his lips twitch upward a little bit. We gaze into each other eyes for some time and I have a sudden need to go home, clean the stinking white roses form the study that I've been terrified to go into since I came back, open the windows, take a shower… Stop being like my mother.

I'm bewildered by my own thoughts but then as I think about it, still looking into Peeta's beautiful blue eyes, I know that it's him. I know that I was waiting for his return, because he's the only thing on this hell hole of a world that can make me at least try to get on with my life.

"I have to… sorry, I've got something to do…" I say quickly and break into a run towards my house leaving him watching me go, an empty glass still in his hand.

Half an hour later I'm sitting on my heels in front of the fire place, swaying back and forth while watching Snow's white roses turn into ashes in front of my eyes. I can still smell the stench even despite the fact that all of the windows in my house are wide open. There's only fire left now, only a little pile of grayish ash remains after the roses, but it's still burning brightly fed by two simple logs that I put together to start it. I know it would die soon if I don't throw more wood into it and my clouded brain is making strange parallels without my permission.

The fire has burned the roses again.

I can't help but see the vicious smile on Snow's face as I think about them, but I know that he's dead now. He's not here.

I am.

Peeta is.

I think of all the time I've spend in bed or on the couch during the last couple of weeks and I can't help comparing myself to those slowly dying flames.

Then I think of Peeta, of the moment when I saw him for the first time in weeks today. Of the feeling of need for taking the matters into my own hands and for… catharsis, or however it is called.

Maybe Peeta is like the logs feeding the flames. Maybe he's the one who can somehow keep me more alive than anything ever would.

When I'd thrown the roses into the fire it immediately flared and expanded dangerously, but quickly after that, there was nothing left of the roses but ashes and if it wasn't for the logs, it won't keep burning with a slow steady flames. It would simply die. The fire caused by the roses was violent, dangerous and untamed. This one though, kept alive by the logs- warm, bright and beautiful. It makes me feel calm and safe.

It makes me feel exactly like Peeta does.

With that thought, despite the warmth of the evening, I throw a few more logs into the fireplace and rush up to take the first shower in days knowing that when I come back wet and tired, the flames will be there to lull me to sleep.

The next morning I wake up to the sound of pans and pots clattering in the kitchen and I immediately know that I fell asleep on the couch. I open my eyes slowly and am graced with the sight of the fire still burning in the fireplace. It's strange, it should be burned out by now as the last time I've thrown some logs into it was at the early hours of the morning before I fell asleep. I assume it's Sae who, decided to keep the flames burning but I can't see the reason why she did it. It was not necessary and Sae is one of those people who doesn't do things simply because.

As I stir, I realize that I'm pleasantly warm, covered by a blanket. Sae again? I ask myself while snuggling deeper into the cover and breathing it in. For some unknown reason it bears a sweet, cinnamon scent that makes me think of…

"I'll check if she's awake. It would be a pity to let the eggs get cold."

Peeta? My eyes snap open and I stiffen under the blanket. He's here? In my house?

Everything comes back to me in a rush and everything also starts to gain sense.

The fire, the blanket, the smell… even the dreamless sleep.

"I'm awake." I mumble as I see his shadow on the floor beside the couch. I didn't look up yet so I can't see his face, but I'm almost sure he smiles.
He proves me right when I look at him through half-closed lids. His smile does something to my insides and I sit up startled when my feelings start to take over my brain.

"Hey." I say quietly untangling myself from the blanket. "Thanks for-" I gesture wildly towards the cover, then the fire, "-keeping me warm." His smile widens for a brief moment and I see one of his perfect eyebrows rise up.

"How do you know it was me who did that?" He asks with a hint of tease in his voice and I feel a blush creeping onto my cheeks. I hesitate before answering, but decide that I'm not going to shy away from him.

Not from him. Not anymore.

"It smells like cinnamon rolls." I reply in a whisper and he grins so widely I'm afraid his mouth will split in half. I can't believe how positive he is. I can't believe how on earth he is able to cope with everything and still behave like the old Peeta from before the hijacking. I wonder how much of the venom still lingers in his veins and what he has to go through because of it. What visions does he have to fight every minute of his life. I decide I want to answer that call from doctor Aurelius if only to find out just that.

We eat in complete silence, but I don't mind. I've spend enough time with Peeta saying nothing at all and even after all this time, I don't feel awkward doing just that. Somehow, deep in my heart I know that it's the same Peeta. It's the Peeta I knew before the war. It's the Peeta that maybe, just maybe will be able to love me someday. Because I love him, more than I can bare sometimes.

I straighten up as I realize what exactly I just figured out. After all this time of denying my feelings for this boy, now when I sit across from him after everything, I am able to admit to myself that I'm in love with him. I'm in love with him!

Instead of terrifying me to the bone, that thought makes me surprisingly calm and serene. I catch myself throwing a small smile Peeta's way. He looks at me strangely for a moment, furrows his brows in confusion and returns my smile hesitantly. Warmth spreads in my chest like a liquid fire and I know that I'm a goner.

It's Peeta. It has always been Peeta. It will always be Peeta.

I think about all the time that he loved me and was simply there for me while I treated him so horribly. I broke his heart multiple times. No, not on purpose but simply by being me, by being pigheaded and careless of his feelings. And he stayed with me all this time anyway. He was there for me every step of the way. He remained by my side until he was violently ripped away from me and tortured to the point of believing that he hates me because I'm a threat to his life.

So now, when I see him looking like all those horrible things never happened, I know that it's only because he's the strongest person I've ever known, that he was able to find himself again. I know that no matter how good he seems to look and how much like himself he is behaving right now, he is certainly not okay yet. I know him well enough to notice the signs. The dark shadows under his eyes, telling me that he's not sleeping well at night, the occasional rigidness of his body and emptiness of his stare, letting me know when he's fighting his demons, the slight but constant shaking of his hands, the little twitch in his jaw, at any louder noise. He isn't fully recovered and I'm fully aware that he might never be. I don't think any of us will.

As I think about all of it, I decide that it's my turn to be there for him because he's done enough for me to last a lifetime and everything I've ever done for him, turned out to be a disaster. I'm going to change that now. I'm going to take care of him and maybe, just maybe, my love for him will give him strength, and make him feel better like his always did for me.

THE END OF PART 1

|AN2|: Thanks for reading! I think you know who's narrating Part 2 :) So, what are you waiting for? Read it!