"Nothing Is Forgotten"
by chobutterfly19
A/N: Hi everyone, this is my first fic, please read and review.
The song "Sergels Torg" belongs to the wonderful Swedish artist Veronica Maggio. The title comes from a lyric in the song - "ingenting glöms." I highly recommend you listen along while reading, even if you don't know the language. You can hear the pain the song after the bridge, and I wanted to connect that to what Cho in this story feels. I have loved Cho/Cedric for such a long time. I lost someone the way Cho has and I can relate to everything she has felt.
The "F" bombs in Cho's inner monologue are inspired the performance of the amazing Charlize Theron, from the most striking scene in the film "Young Adult."
Över plattorna på Sergels torg, där himlen är tung av sorg
The sky was heavy over a Muggle square in Stockholm, Sweden. Cho used to love the rain, and cold cloudy weather in general, but that was a lifetime ago. Here was now. Harry had asked her to meet him here. Far from wizarding Scotland, the famous Harry Potter had become a well-respected Auror and regularly traveled through Europe for his cases, although International Apparition and having warm houses of friends' to stay in had a lot to do with the convenience of just up and leaving, without packing up for a trip and traveling the Muggle way. Although Cho wondered why on earth he would want to meet her here, under the darkening, ominous sky; the Swedish wizarding community was alive and well, he could have very well asked her for a butter beer in the toasty glow of Tre Kvastarna, the Scandinavian branch of the Three Broomsticks, or for dinner at the Dancing King Restaurant, where she had heard there was a blend of wizard rock and '70s Muggle disco entertainment. Back when Cho was still an impressionable young girl, she enjoyed merry-making, singing and dancing with the best of them. But these were not those times, and that young, naive girl was gone...
Jag väntar fast jag redan vet
Sänker mitt huvud ner
Cho could help but feel, though, that this was not going to be good for her. She waited, with the head down, filled with a sense of foreboding, although her Sixth Sense, and maybe her Seventh, was sending alarms, whistles, and bells at her to get out, GET OUT! Go, leave, escape into the warm night in the company of good-looking wizards named Kalle, Pablo, and Mikael who would more than treat her to a warm drink and perhaps would take her home, and she could easily give in and forget… Cho wasn't blind; she looked in the mirror and knew she was still attractive. But Cho had enough of men who didn't know her, not the way he did, and she had enough integrity not to let anyone take advantage of her grief or self-pity. Still, she waited. She didn't want the Boy-Who-Lived to be the Man-Who-Was-Pissed-Off. The wind had started to pick up a bit and she was getting colder. She hoped Harry would be there soon, to get whatever pain, humiliation over with… She was used to it, but that didn't mean it would hurt every time, and leave a deeper wound with it. She had gone through this once with Harry, and it looked like she was about to go through it again.
Om du skulle se tillbaks nån gång
Har allt gått tillbaks till noll
Couples passed her every few minutes, hand in hand, chatting and laughing… Cho looked at them with a pang in her heart. Not since…him…her first love…had she been truly happy. They had been another of those laughing couples, teasing each other and talking and their dreams and futures…and when she would gaze at him intently, the gray in his eyes seemed to soften as he would smile at her in the sunlight… She never felt prouder to be his girl, and someday, she hoped to be his wife. Cho used to love the rain, and cold cloudy weather in general. She could afford to, because Ced was her sunshine, her boyfriend who she would cling to on rainy days and make everything better. And then he was ripped away from her for no good reason and her entire world was gone, as if it has never happened. Back at zero. Cedric hadn't even had time to say goodbye, or to say anything to Harry, for that matter. Speaking of Harry, she thought she saw a familiar figure cutting across the Square, making its way resolutely toward her, in the lightly falling rain that was worsening by the second…
Nu faller regnet över oss
Cho could feel the tears on her face; or was that the rain? It didn't matter; since that horrific night, she couldn't tell the difference anymore, anyway…since that…night…she couldn't remember feeling so little regard of her own life…not since…not since…Fifth Year, the Third Task, the worst part of her life, that had haunted her to this day. Not a single day went by when she did not think of him. The pain had never lessened, even when she smiled. For sadness could stay while joy stayed awhile, and Cho had had her good moments, even…after. But a single thought of him never failed to make her catch herself in a period of "feeling okay," and she would tell herself, softly, "I think I'm going to cry…" She was used to the constant rain in her life, ever since that day. Her Ravenclaw brain tried to tell her that life goes on. She knew as much. Once her beloved Cedric was gone, though, she wished she could take his place and sink deep under the earth. And her heart, however, seemed to have been struck by the Killing Curse as well, and wiltered black and died and buried along with her Champion. She had tried to love again, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Right now, she became aware of the image Harry used to see of her in Sixth Year and now tried in vain with her hands to scatter the stubborn moisture upon her cheeks and quickly rearranged her face into a pleasant smile. Harry was approaching closer and closer, and she still wasn't ready, wasn't prepared for how this was going to end…
Men filmen börjar om och om
"Cho," Harry greeted. Not with a tone of love, or even familiarity, just…neutrality. Her heart sank. There wasn't any chance of salvaging this. "Hi, Harry," she replied over chattering teeth, and a chattering heart. Harry's trained Auror eyes noticed that she was dripping wet and he muttered a Warming Bubble Spell and Cho instantly felt a hundred times better, as if the rain had not been dogging her spirits just before now, as if the impending doom she felt hanging over her head was not able to happen at any time - a thousand times warmer, as if she had had several bowlfuls of her favorite mushroom cream soup and plates of Ced's favorite Cornish pastries, or her mother's comforting porridge, and the rain couldn't touch her for the time being. They stood there with a golden glow between them that only the two of them could see; the Muggle couples and families, who, despite the rain, were strolling along in any kind of weather, like this was Sweden's pastime.
"Cho," Harry began, "Cho, I'm not going to BS you. You knew, I knew, that it wasn't going to work out."
"But Harry-" Cho scrambled desperately, "No, I-it's you I want. It's true, it's you."
"Cho," Harry sighed, and suddenly he looked weary, and sad, and she could, for just one moment, see the fifteen year old boy who had been so taken with her. He had been so taken with her beauty but had not really known anything about her. And, thought Cho bitterly, has anything changed since then? Tell me, O Mighty One, whether Thou art Zeus, or Jesus, or Kwan Yin, Thou who hast taken blessing and love away from me- Distantly she thought she heard Swedish children splashing and squealing in the background. Children she never had with…him…
"I'm sorry I can't be who you need me to be, Cho," he continued. She started, he was more perceptive than he had been as that young boy. "You know I tried, and that I wanted to. We've tried, and we've split up a hundred times. I did everything I could," and here he stared blankly at his empty hands, from those gangly arms that tried to hold her at Hogwarts but she wouldn't be held…oh Merlin, I thought the rain wasn't supposed to leak through? Cho realized she was crying again.
"It's him, and it's always going to be him," Harry stated, and Cho felt the ghost of strong and tender seventeen-year old arms around her. "I can't compete, and I know we both loved him, but this can't go on." At this, it seemed Harry's bright green eyes seemed to flicker with water as well. Oh God, I've hurt him, thought Cho desperately, I love Cedric, and he's right, it'll always be Cedric, but oh God, if I imagine myself where he's been, loving someone who couldn't give her heart back…
"I'm so sorry, Harry," she whimpered, "I've hurt you terribly and it's not fair to you-oh God-"
"Shh, Cho," he whispered, and finally he held her. He held her, not like a lover, but like a brother, like someone you could come home to, but she knew it wouldn't last. "Shh, Cho," he whispered again, "We've been through hell and back, and I'll always cherish the moment I saw you on the Quidditch Pitch and my stomach gave a jolt at the prettiest girl I ever saw," and Cho smiled back at him through the sadness, "and you'll always have a special place in my heart," and Cho broke down again.
"It's over, Cho," Harry said simply. Cho said nothing. A wild animal was clawing up her heart, tearing it to shreds. It was more than she could bear. Harry let go. What, you're not going to hug me again for the last time, give me a goodbye kiss, tell me something a little more - poignant?! She could hardly comprehend it. He took her in one last moment with those keen green eyes, behind those spectacles, and and turned on his heel and walked away. It's over, Cho. It's over. Her heart broke over and over for the boy she tried to love, for the man she loved in her own way, and she watched him go as she tried to stay. And suddenly she was cold again, and the world was darker than before.
När allt är slut, vad gör väl det
Om hundra år, när vi är tillbaks på noll?
She had promised herself, that after the endless grief she had endured over Cedric, that she could not go through this heartbreak again. Harry, Harry, she spoke in her head, Please come back. She stood rooted to her spot. It's a mistake, he'll turn around, and she waited patiently for Harry to turn around. But it wasn't, and he didn't. Foolish Cho, what was she thinking by putting her heart on the line again? But she did not run after him, as she might have in her more foolhardy days; it was, as he so succinctly put it, over. But the moment kept playing in her head over and over again, and it was not only insanity, it was torture. Just like Cedric. Just like when he…died…and I died with him. And just like a movie that you could start over and over again, her life would go on. Life would go on, more painful and empty than being dead could be. And Cho felt a hundred times worse, because when you were dead, you couldn't feel anything, could you? You didn't know, and you didn't care. And Cedric, he didn't see, he didn't hear, he didn't know anything anymore…he couldn't tell her how much he loved her, how proud of her he was. And that was the worst of everything: that she still loved him, and he would never know. GOD, CEDRIC! she screamed in the rain. She was drenched again, and nothing mattered. She wanted to die again, die properly this time, in his arms, and nothing could separate them. Nothing.
When everything was over…nothing mattered. Not her honor, not her dignity, not her health, her beauty, her life. Because Someone Up There hated her. It seemed several Someones, in fact. Why do you take everything away from me?! Everyone I've ever loved, or cared about?! Cho wanted to scream up to the heavy and unforgiving heavens. Her father who had resisted wizarding Communism who had been mysteriously taken away from her family when she was seven. Baba! she had screamed to her mother. Where's Baba?! Her mother had bowed her head and sent her to ancestors' temple to pray. She never saw him again and never prayed again, unless it was to address the gods mockingly, scathingly, Oh, you're so powerful but you won't protect my father, who was doing what he believed was right and true?! When she had gone to Hogwarts, she was shy and anxious and finally felt so lucky that people seemed to value her intellect and friendship, and her popularity had grown, and she had enjoyed being a young teenager, giggling over gossip and clothes and friends. But those same friends who had surrounded her, who had asked, "All right, Cho?" and asked her to Hogsmeade weekends and those giddy girls who had always accompanied her to the bathroom, well, after…after Cedric died, those same girls left her. Was it all an illusion? Was it all a lie? So much for friendship, they all moved on with their perfect lives. They tried at first to be supportive, but ultimately couldn't take her endless crying, and some of them were among those happy cohabited or married now. Well, I hope *their* boyfriends and husbands all die, and *then* they'll know how it feels! thought Cho savagely, standing in the rain, soaked to the bone. She didn't care, though. She didn't care that she was probably beyond pneumonia, or that she wished ill on those former friends; see if I care, you fucking bitches! They all fawned over her and Cedric and then, they acted like Cedric had never even existed. Fuck you! Fuck you! I fucking hate you… With your indifference, you took me further away from the only one I have ever loved. No one understood how frightening it felt, not even her mother who had suffered a similar, but different, fate. Because she hadn't gotten to marry him, she hadn't even known what to call herself; "widow" was reserved for those lucky enough to have become one with him in the eyes of wizarding and Muggle law, alike. Without him, without her father, without Harry, the Boy-Who-Could-Save-Her-From-Herself, she was back to a life where none of this could ever have happened…but the worse part is, it did. And it hurt. It fucking hurt. And worst of all, nobody could, or would, understand. She was alone in the world. She waited for Cedric's voice to reach her. But in this instance, it did not.
Jag vet att du vill ha det sa
In her haste, feeling incredibly vulnerable and desperate not to be abandoned again, she had taken a chance at happiness with Harry, although there was no guarantee that things wouldn't turn out the same way. Which it had, in another way. I guess we both wanted it this way, even though we tried otherwise. She knew Harry was right; she couldn't, or wouldn't, give him her heart and what he needed. So he walked away, even if it hurt him, too, but goddammit! Couldn't he *show* it?! He walked away as if he weren't walking away from the girl he was in love with since his Third Year. But he always had to be so damn *noble*…like Ced used to be…and here she wiped away another stray tear at her thought of the love of her life in the imperfect tense. Damn Ravenclaw mind, can we focus here? Yeah, she knew, it wasn't fair when he was the one always giving and she was taking, like a black hole, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. Still, that didn't take away the bitter sting of being once again rejected; no, rejected *and* humiliated, by the one you were with. Harry tried, but he knew, that she would love him more. Not because of anything she did or planned, she just did and would. Because once someone decided they didn't love you anymore…you never deserved it in the first place, did you? Did you? She was a witch, goddammit, wasn't she? So why couldn't she charm the pain away? Oh, for the love of Peter Pettigrew, it fucking hurt, and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.
Men vad spelar det för jävla roll?
So if it hurt so much, and everything was ending, again, and again, then what the hell did anything matter. What did it fucking matter. The only thing she was thinking about seriously right now was about dying, dying, because…in because in Cedric's arms, she had in heaven, and maybe by dying she could get back to heaven again.
Vad finns det då att bry sig om?
Cho didn't care about anybody or anything else anymore. Cedric, I need you. And through her tears, she looked up at the stars.
Över plattorna på Sergels torg
The rain was slowly, imperceptibly, tapering off, over the nighttime Square, and now Cho was the only one standing on the black and white triangle tiles of Sergels Torg.
Fast det kommer blåsa upp till storm
Står jag där jag alltid stått
She closed her eyes, and felt the thick raindrops that had been resting on her eyelashes slide down her cheeks. She knew that the familiar storm inside of her would swirl up, but she stood fast to where she always stood, in the most secret place in her heart.
She thought about him, with all her love, without reservation. Who knew love would hurt so much. When the memories and dreams came back, Cho felt like screaming, as if she were under the Cruciatus. Would this pain never end? It was so unfair; other young women had found partners they were living with, marrying… Her breath hitched in her throat… As a girl, in the euphoric rush of her Fifth Year, she had often dreamed about one day, soon, slowly walking toward him in a cream-colored dress, looking straight into those steady gray eyes she loved, marrying him, with the heady scent of flowers everywhere, Mrs. Chang and Mrs. Diggory would be crying while Amos would look proudly on at his boy and his lovely Chinese bride… They would move to a cottage in the Scottish countryside, have a sweet little girl and baby boy, with brown hair like their father and brown eyes like their mother - no, at least one of them has got to have *his* eyes!, she thought hysterically, both of whom would do make us proud at Hogwarts, and a house full of with animals - Ced always loved dogs while she was a cat person herself - and plants, and sunshine, and love, and no hurt, or pain, or loss, ever ever again. Just us. Just all of us.
Jag stryker bort en ensam tår
Cho couldn't take it. They were sweet, the memories and dreams, but they were also hurting her. She wiped away another tear.
Du vänder dig om och går
Som om det aldrig nånsin hänt
And she thought again to the image of Harry turning around and walking away, as if she had never mattered, as if they had never happened.
Ser stjärnorna lysa än
She tilted her head back up, as if about to be kissed, and slowly opened her eyes to the night sky above. The rain had cleared, and one of the silver stars shone brighter than most, winking at her. She blinked hard.
Mitt hjärta kanske slutar slå
A star…*winking* at me?!
She couldn't imagine Ced leaving her, ever.
Men filmen börjar om ändå
Sometimes, when your first and your great loves happen to collide, you find that you cannot love anyone else the same way, or as deeply.
Cho used to love the rain. And life would go on.
Cedric, I love you.