Once Touched by Pain, Never the Same
Sam and Dean had finally left Broward County and the Mystery Spot behind them. Sam couldn't have been more relieved, but the sting of the Trickster's lesson still throbbed in his chest. He couldn't deny what he had become in the alternate world, the world without Dean in it. The Trickster may have set the scene and Dean's ultimate death in motion, but Sam couldn't shake off what he, alone, had turned into after that. That lesson hadn't been lost on him as the Trickster may have thought, but nothing the Trickster could say would sway him from begging him to bring Dean back. He had no words to explain to him why it hadn't mattered that Dean was his weakness, that Dean would be the death of him if confronted by whatever "bad guys" he was referring to. The Trickster couldn't possibly understand their bond as brothers, explaining it to him would have been a waste of time. All he could do was smile. The more important revelation for Sam was what he had become without Dean. What scared him the most was when the time did come, and there was no avoiding that, would even knowing what he had turned into stop him from becoming that Sam again? He couldn't answer that question and that scared him.
Sam had finally understood the pain that Dean must have felt when he had died, the desperation that had driven him to make the deal to bring him back. He now understood the comfort, cold as it was, that Dean must have felt when he had made the decision, to know that he had only one option open to him, to make the deal with the crossroads demon, to bring Sam back. For Sam, the Trickster's illusion held no such comfort.
Dean noticed the deafening quiet in the car as they drove down the highway and it worried him. Sam had been acting way more subdued since they had left. Knowing that the Trickster had been involved in their latest hunt had given Dean a keen sense of suspicion. Sam was hiding something and it was more than just reliving his death over and over again.
"Earth to Sammy," Dean teased, but got no response. "Yo, dude, you in there?"
Sam finally broke from his thoughts and looked Dean's way.
"Huh? What?"
"Yeh, exactly. Where'd you go there?"
Sam just gave Dean a short-lived grin.
"Nowhere."
"Nowhere, nothing, Sam. You've been spaced out ever since we left Broward. You're hiding something and don't bother lying to me. It's written all over your face and besides, when you get this quiet, I know something's wrong. Now, spill it," Dean prodded.
"Dean, please just leave it."
"Can't Sam. I know how the Trickster works. I know something happened that you're not telling me and that whatever it was got wiped from my noggin. I have to know what it is."
Sam gave Dean a pleading look, but knew he wouldn't get anywhere with it. When Dean got a hold of something, especially when it concerned Sam, he would never let it go.
"I get it now," Sam finally said abruptly.
"Get what?"
"What you went through when I died. Why you made the deal."
Dean gave Sam a sympathetic look. He knew that they needed to talk so he decided to pull over to the side of the road. He shut off the engine then turned to look at Sam.
"When you died, I died with you," Sam continued, almost in a daze and revealing more in those words than he had expected.
"Sam, it was all just an illusion -"
"Yeh, I know that, but in a month, it'll be real and…" Sam trailed off, letting his gaze wander through the front windshield, looking for nothing in particular.
Dean realized that whatever Sam had been put through had really scared him and as much as he wanted to blow it all off as a Trickster prank, he couldn't this time because they both knew the truth of his future.
"And what?" Dean asked gently.
"And I'm going to become something…"
Dean made the connection quickly and his face went firm with conviction.
"Sam, you won't go evil, it's not in you. Whatever the Trickster showed you –"
"That's not it, Dean. It's worse than that."
"What could be –"
"I lose my humanity."
Dean looked at Sam's stricken face and hated what the Trickster had done to him. He wanted to break Sam's promise, find the bastard, then end him as they should have in the first place, but he also knew that it wouldn't take back the damage that had already been done.
"That won't happen –"
"You don't know that. I don't know that. I want to believe that I won't become just another cold-blooded killer, but after what I did…I just don't know anymore…." Sam said with a shaky uncertainty in his voice. "So, yeh, I get what you were going through and in a strange and twisted way, I wish I had your choice instead of what I'm facing."
"Sam, you have control over your destiny. We all do. You don't have to –"
"I know, but with you gone…I don't think I'll be able to prevent it."
Dean took in a breath, understanding what Sam was saying. He had been that lost himself, so lost it had seemed blinding. It was as if he had been running on autopilot and someone else was driving the Impala to the crossroads, making that deal.
"Sam, if any good can come from what that bastard put you through, it's that you know what's possible. You can stop it now. I believe that you can."
Sam looked at Dean.
"I don't," he said, chillingly calm.
"Sam -"
"You weren't there Dean. I didn't even recognize myself when I looked into a mirror. It was like I was a robot. I moved, I ate, I breathed, I even patched myself up, but I didn't feel a damn thing. I was cold. I was empty."
"You're not that Sam."
"I am without you, Dean. I understand that now."
"No, you don't, I won't let you convince yourself that you do."
"You won't have a say. You'll be gone. You won't be there to save me," Sam said, his eyes distant and resolved.
Dean felt stung by Sam's indifferent accusations, but he was right. He wouldn't be there for him. He was scared for Sam, as scared as he had ever been in his life. There had never been a time when he couldn't make things better for Sam, but this, this was different. Still, he had to think of something to snap Sam out of his resigned acceptance of his future. No more soft peddling Dean had decided. He had to reach Sam with some harsh realities and some shared experience.
"You know what? You're right. No more sugar coating it. I won't be there. Because I was a stupid ass, I won't be there when you need me the most, but that doesn't mean you get to lie down and let my mistake destroy you. You want the truth? Well, you're getting it now whether you want to hear it or not."
Sam's face had a look of surprise. He hadn't been expecting Dean to lash out at him.
"Dean –"
"You think you know my pain now? Well, let me tell you, you don't know the half of it. When I lost you, I didn't just lose myself. I lost everything I had ever known, my life, my purpose, my family, hell, even my soul way before I bargained it off to the crossroads demon. At least in your illusion, you hunted, you still saved people, maybe you were screwed up, but it didn't stop you from doing the job. I didn't have that illusion. I gave up. I said to hell with the world, let it end, told Bobby exactly that when he wanted to snap me out of my pity party. I didn't give a damn. If I hadn't thought of trading my soul, I'd have ended up just as dead, drinking my life away or getting myself killed in one last hunt. You think Dad was bad? He couldn't have held a candle to me. That's what your death did to me. That kind of pain touches you and you're never the same. When Dad died I thought I'd hit rock bottom then, but I hadn't even scratched the surface of what rock bottom was until I lost you."
Sam watched Dean's face as it transformed from anger, grief, loss, resignation and realization in minutes and it made him re-evaluate what he had gone through.
Dean looked into Sam's face, his eyes welling and reddening with tears and pain.
"I'm not saying that you losing me means less, Sam. I'm not, but what you're afraid of, you can stop. Yeh, so you know what you could potentially become, but you don't have to become it," Dean softened.
Dean wiped some stray tears that had fallen on his cheeks and took in a breath.
"I never considered losing you. My arrogance or my fear, take your pick, I don't know which, maybe both, wouldn't let me even entertain the idea of you dying so when I didn't save you, the world just fell away. I felt like I was falling into Hell already and figured, why not just go all the way there? I felt like I didn't have control, that I didn't have a choice, that the only choice I had was to bring you back, but that was me, Sammy. You do have a choice. You have to believe that."
Dean sat back in his seat, tired and emotionally spent.
"The Trickster said that we couldn't keep sacrificing ourselves for each other, that nothing good comes from it, just blood and pain," Sam related.
"Well, as much as I hate the idea of agreeing with that son of a bitch, he's right. What I did caused so much pain and suffering, but I can't regret bringing you back. I just can't. Call me selfish, I was, but you don't have to follow my example, Sam. I don't want you to."
Sam looked at Dean, his lip trembling like it always did when he was unsure and scared. Dean knew the look by heart and hated seeing it knowing that unlike when they were kids, he couldn't make it better for him. The only thing that could, he couldn't give him.
"Sam? When you were hunting, did you ever take a human life?" Dean asked hesitantly, but with a purpose.
Sam thought for a moment.
"No, no, I didn't."
"There's your answer, Sammy. A cold-blooded killer doesn't make distinctions. You chose to save humans," Dean said relieved.
Dean had known that Sam would never have harmed a human if he could help it, but he knew that Sam needed to be convinced that he couldn't.
Sam looked at Dean with a touch of awe on his face. He had no counter argument against what Dean had said. It hadn't crossed his mind the entire time that he hadn't killed humans, except for Bobby, but he had already suspected that he had been another one of the Trickster's illusions. Still, he had to admit the Trickster did have him wondering for a while and when he had thought that maybe he might have made a mistake, he had felt regret and fear over what he might have done.
"I'm sorry that I didn't think about how you'd feel about my going to Hell when I made the deal. It's the only thing I do regret, but Sam, I have never lost faith in you. Don't you go losing it."
Sam nodded.
"I know. And now I know why you did what you did because after you were gone, I'd have done anything to get you back too. I made my own kind of deal with the Trickster to get you back."
This time it was Dean who nodded. A moment of silence then fell between them.
"I still don't know what I'm going to do when you –" Sam said, his emotions still on edge.
"Survive, Sammy," Dean said. "It's all we can do. Survive."
oooo
FIN. Hope you enjoyed this short fic. The title came from a Celine Dion song called Fade Away. When I heard that lyric, the story wrote itself.