Harry Potter and the T'internet
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this daft random ficlet. All Harry Potter characters are the intelectual, financial and physical property of the amazing JK Rowling, who is so talented brilliant and well off I'm sure she wouldn't mind. :) The fics mentioned are other peoples, but as there's probably about a hundred of each I'm not mentioning names. Except for The Boy Who Wouldn't Die, of course.
Set before HBP. No spoilers. No plot. No clue...
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He knew something was wrong the minute he sat down next to Ron and he hurriedly flicked the screen off and glared, obviously not wanting to talk. But he, Harry, was sick of hanging around in the common room for Ron to come back, so he'd gone and looked. Not in the kitchens, not in Hagrid's cabin, not in the Great Hall. No, he was here, in Hogwart's newly installed computer room.
Why, Harry had no idea. Ron had taken an instant apparant dislike to the computers, calling them unecessarilly complicated muggle rubbish. Harry, having had more experience of the things, had agreed wholeheartedly (and blamed the whole thing on Microsoft). So it was odd to find Ron here on his own. Harry poked him.
"What're you doing that's so great I can't see?" Ron scowled at him.
"Nothing. I wouldn't expect you to understand." Behind him the door opened and Ginny walked in.
"Ron! What're you doing?" He shook his head and, to Harry's bewilderment, turned bright red.
"Nothing." He muttered. Ginny shook her head exasperatedly.
"You're not looking at porn AGAIN, god Ron you're so predictable." She slumped into a chair nearby.
"I'm not." Ron muttered, although whether he was protesting about his predictability or that he was looking at porn Harry had no idea. He grinned.
"So why wouldn't you expect me to understand porn anyway?" Ron choked, and a voice from the other side of the room called out;
"Because you're gayer than Graham Norton in a tutu, Frodo."
Harry spun to face his arch-annoyance Draco Malfoy, smirking as usual and surrounded by Slytherins. Well, just Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy but Crabbe and Goyle could surround someone all by themselves. Pansy was giggling. Harry frowned at them.
"Frodo?" Draco smirked more.
"I think probably the best thing about the internet, Pippin, is the simply marvelous number of insults I can use from it. You procrastinating baboon-faced monkey turd." he added thoughtfully.
Harry scowled but was unable to reply. He wasn't quite sure what procrastinate meant, but felt sure it had something to do with picking your nose.
"Knock it off, ferret features." Ron muttered menacingly. Draco rolled his eyes.
"Oh yes, I'm really scared now, Weasle-boy's threatening me. What'cha gonna do?" Ginny smirked at Draco.
"Well, he could reprogram your computer." Draco yawned obviously.
"Oh, how frightening."
"He could reprogram it to make brown noise." Harry smirked. A voice behind Ron said
"No he couldn't."
It was Hermione. Ron gawped at her.
"H...how long have you, er..." He trailed off as Hermione glared.
"Long enough." she snapped ominously. "And there's no such thing as brown noise." She snapped at Ginny. Ginny took a deep breath in preparation for shouting and Harry butted in.
"Yes there is." Hermione glared. "No really, there is. I watched this thing on T.V. about it. There's this frequency, they played it through the tv, and Dudley had an accident." He smiled reminicently. Hermione looked bemused.
"What sort of-" she was cut off when Ginny reached over ROn's distracted shoulder and turned the screen back on. Ron yelped, Harry gawked and Draco and his cronies guffawed. Ginny stared at the screen and shrugged.
"Oh come on, that's not even possible. Not a whole banana." Ron coughed loudly and quickly clicked the 'close' button on the window.
"Oi! I was watching that!" complained Malfoy. Ginny grinned.
"Why, were you trying to pick up tips?" Draco went pink.
"Well that's the closest you'll ever get to sex anyway, Weasley." Ron's eyebrowns dissapeared into his hair.
"Oh? Got a lot of experience, have you?" Draco smirked.
"Tons." Pansy hugged him and Harry suppressed a sudden feeling of nausea.
"I think he means with actual other people, Draco." Hermione said disdainfully. Draco went pinker.
"Shut up, Mudblood." he said warningly. Harry grabbed Ron's arm as he made a lunge for Malfoy, and Hermione tapped something into the keyboard.
"Ah, I thought I'd seen something. Look at this." She nudged Ron. Harry peered over his shoulder and began to laugh.
"That's never Malfoy! Oh my god," she added, with a quick glance at Malfoy &co, now looking worried, "Isn't that Blaise Zabini?"
Malfoy hurtled out of his chair and elbowed her aside.
"That's not- I don't remember that." he went quiet and, looking at his face, Harry almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
"Well you must have been drunk!" Harry exclaimed triumphantly. "The internet doesn't lie, Draco!" Hermione raised an eyebrow at him but remained silent.
"Give me that!" Draco snarled; snatchiing the keyboard, he began to type furiously. "Harry...Potter...is...gay...search!" he finished. Harry struggeld to reach the thing but was held back by Goyle, who continued to gawp over his shoulder as the results came up.
"Let's see," Malfoy muttered as he scrolled thourgh. "Harry and the Potters, no, Harry Potter fanclub, no..." Harry's face burned as he read the flickering screen. "Harry Potter fansite, no, Ronald Weasley is my God, urgh no, The Severous Snape fuh-Q Fest," he paused thoughtfully, then shook his head,"too wierd, The Boy Who Wouldn't Die: watch as I kill Harry in many different ways, tempteing, Harry Potter and Neville- AHA!" He laughed triumphantly and clicked the link.
Harry choked as he read the screen and tried to snatch the keyboard, but Draco was too quick for him.
"Ah, Let's see.. Harry Potter and Snape -anybody know what Yaoi means?" he asked the room at large. Harry saw Hermione put her hand over her mouth and decided he didn't want to know.
"There you go!" Malfoy laughed. "Written down in black and white. The internet doesn't lie, which means you went where no man, woman or sentient being has been before!" Harry glared.
"That's not true you-" He was drowned out by the laughter of the Slytherins as Malfoy continued through the site.
"Good, god, and Neville Longbottom! And Ron, too, but we all guessed that. And Krum, aw poor Hermione... oh, Krum AND Hermione. God Potter, looks like you've shagged everyone and everything! Peeves, a dementor, Snape again, urgh.." His voice trailed off. Harry, who had covered his eyes, now craned his neck to see.
"Well, you may not remember Blaise Zabini, but I'm sure you'd remember THAT!" Ginny laughed. ROn joined in and stopped when Harry slapped the back of his head.
"Well, shall we see what else the internet has on Draco?" Ginny grinned as she stole the mouse.
"Lessee...Draco and Crabbe, Draco and Snape, Draco and Goyle, Draco and Crabbe and Goyle, Draco and Zabini, Draco and Harry, Draco and Professor Sprout-"
Draco snatched the keyboard back again.
"Hey look! Ginny and Dean, Ginny and Harry, urgh, Ginny and Snape, Ginny and Hermione-" Pansy grabbed it suddenly.
"Hermione and Krum, Hermione and Professor McGonagall!" she hooted. Hermione snatched it.
"Pansy and Millicent Bullstrode, Pansy and Snape, Pansy and the entire Slytherin Quidditch team-" Draco yanked it back.
"Harry and...Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"
"Draco and the Slytherin Quidditch team!-"
"Ron and Harry, urgh!"
"Hermione and George, urgh!"
"Fred and George?"
"Harry and Ron and Hermione, well I always guessed-"
"and Draco!"
"AHEM" Everyone froze. Ginny dropped the keyboard in shock. Harry wished he was anywhere else as Snape's nose, followed by the rest of him, entered the room.
"What is going on here? Fighting over the computers? Well I really must see what's so desparately compelling..." Harry held his breath.
"Good Lord..." Snape sat down without noticing that Hermione had only just vacated the chair, or that all the students had begun to edge slowly towards the door. He clicked the mouse.
"Bloody hell." he added thoughtfully. Harry slowly turned the doorknob and began to edge his way out of the room, followed too closely by Draco, Ron and Hermione.
"Pansy Parkinson!" Snape snapped suddenly. "Detention! Saturday, noon." Pansy looked suddenly stricken.
"But sir, I'm busy on Saturday." Snape turned round to look at her and finally caught sight of Harry and Draco. He frowned at them dissaprovingly.
"What on earth are you all doing in here? Well?" Harry looked at Ron. Ron looked at Hermione. Hermione opened her mouth and then shut it again, and decided to look at Draco instead. Who scuffed his shoes along the floor and muttered something.
"I didn't quite hear that Draco." He cleared his throat.
"Helping to develope, er, better inter-house relations, and, er, improve the, er, working hamrony of the school?" he managed doubtfully. Snape nodded slowly.
"I strongly suggest that you attempt to manage without the aid of the internet. I'm sure you're not really in need of instructions, are you?" Ron made a strangling noise and stopped when Harry kicked him. Hermione smiled.
"Of course not sir. Er, do you mind if we,er.." she left the sentence hanging. Snape took one look at the embarrassed flushed students huddled together and nodded.
"Do try not to be out after curfew, Draco. Oh, and Miss Parkinson, would you kindly tell me what activity is so pressing that you cannot postpone it to do a simple detention?" As they shuffled hurriedly out of the door they heard a hesitant muttering as she explained something, Harry coudln't hear what although Hermione later insisted she had heard the words Slytherin Quidditch Team.
Once out of the door they nodded to each other and quickly walked nochalantly away. All that remained of the embarrassing incident was a lingering suspiscion that maybe Draco wasn't as much of a tw as he made out, and the last of his insults shouted from a distance.
"See you munchkin!" Harry grinned.
"Same to you Priscilla!"
THE END
told you so...
Priscilla, queen of the desert. Don't ask.