The Adventures of Eight and a Half Idiots
By CaptainDorifuto
They came without warning, without sound, and without fanfare. One moment the sky was a horrible red like it always was, the next moment there were eight-and-a-half stark-white Evangelions falling through the sky, looking quite a bit worse for wear. They impacted the ground with the kind of force and weight that one would expect of a skyscraper-sized monstrosity, shaking the remains of the Earth and throwing dirt and plant life in various directions.
It was Eva 12 who came to first, presumably because of the immense pain of having the lower half of its body forcibly separated via Heavy Spear. Stings quite a bit, from what I hear. Its incessant wailing shook the very air, and most notably alerted the other Mass Production Evangelions that they were not, in fact, dead. Slowly but surely, one by one, the Eva Series were roused from their respective impromptu slumbers, scratching and pawing at the ground as if they had just woken up from an all-night bar crawl and were trying to find a particularly annoying alarm clock. 09 tried to scoop its brains back into what was left of its head. 07 snapped its head back into place with its good arm. 08 hopped up onto its good leg, and 10 poked and prodded at the projectile spikes sticking out of its head. 06 tried in vain to reconnect its left arm and torso, while 11 remained completely oblivious to the horn-like knife sticking out of its cranium. 05 and 13 patted themselves down to make sure they were still in one piece, then grinned silently at their comrades' misfortune, failing to notice the blood seeping out of their gaping chest wounds.
Eventually, eight Mass Production Evangelions found themselves standing in a slightly hilly area in what was left of Japan, roughly fourteen years after a Third Impact that they couldn't have possibly known about, in a timeline that they couldn't comprehend - even if a mysterious narrator hadn't magically gifted them with the knowledge to do so. 12 was, of course, still lying in the dirt, missing its lower torso and its dignity.
For a while the Eva series stood there, taking in the scenery and contemplating what exactly to do, remaining motionless in much the same way that a New York businessman doesn't. It was 11, progressive knife still lodged in its head, that broke the silence- well, figuratively anyway, as the Evas were still capable of communicating telepathically through radio waves, and their vocal chords could only really manage the type of grunting and moaning that one might expect from a 16-year-old on a less-than-wholesome website.
This world, 11 reasoned, was remarkably like the one they had come from.
The Evas responded in the affirmative.
It follows, then, that the mission of initiating the Third Impact was still entrusted to them, and that they should attempt to find and activate Unit 01.
08, still balancing on one leg, interjected. It brought attention to the less-than-obvious fact that the sky was red, not blue, and therefore the Third Impact had probably already happened. It reasoned that the logical course of action was to perform recon to assess the state of the world and perhaps attempt to navigate to NERV's last known position to affect repairs.
The other Evangelions agreed. 08 tried to take a step forward, only to fall over spectacularly on account of its missing leg. Balance, it seemed, would not be achieved today.
06, seeing the problem, suggested the use of their wings and AT Fields to simulate flight and allow for aerial reconnaissance. A consensus was reached, and, as one, the Eva Series unfurled their enormous black wings and powered their AT Fields. There was a short pause, before the sound of flapping feathers and shimmering AT Fields lifted the white monstrosities into the air, and the Eva Series were airborne. There was another pause as 12 tried to figure out how to balance in mid-air without the weight of its lower half, before a massive flying battleship, powered by the soul of some brat's mom stuck inside a giant robot, plowed into the Eva Series like a runaway train through an aerial bowling alley, splattering itself in blood and feathers, before coming to a complete stop in mid-air in much the same way that a brick doesn't.
The Eva Series, once again unconscious, were thrown about its hull violently and gracelessly, smattering AAA Wunder, the flagship of Wille, with a fresh new camouflage of black, red, and large white splotches. Wunder remained where it was, no doubt bustling with a colorful cast of individuals all wondering what the hell had slammed into the ship. For the second time that day, 12 woke up in horrible, groan-inducing agony, no doubt feeling like the multiverse's personal chew-toy, before it came to a startling realization.
It smelled a smell. Not just any smell, but a very particular, smelly smell. The smell of LCL and blood mixed together, of steel and muscle fibers and Angels. A smell that it remembered from not too long ago, a smell that filled its heart with deep and intense, bestial anger, an entirely new experience for the normally-emotionless Eva. 12 knew the smell of an Evangelion, but this was ever-so-slightly different. It wasn't just the smell of any Evangelion, Unit-12 realized.
It was the smell of Unit-02.
A/N: Long time no see, eh? Unfortunately life can be kind of unpredictable some times. For a long time I wanted to continue to write fanfiction, and I had a whole host of ideas, but I never had the time. Now, due to some unique circumstances, I have found myself with quite a lot of free time for the summer months and a newfound addiction to Neon Genesis Evangelion. Great series, not perfect, not even close, but an excellent character drama with complex themes and some excellent giant robot fights thrown in. Not a mecha anime in the slightest, but that's what gives it its charm. Anyway, after watching Evangelion Rebuilds 1.11-3.33 I was inspired to write some kind of story happening in the 3.33, post-Third-Impact world, and after shelling out 60 bucks for a figurine of the absolutely dope-looking Mass Production Evangelions, I figured hey, why the hell not, nobody writes about these guys and i'm in the mood for some fluffy, dumb laughs. Much like the kind of dumb laughs that exit my mouth after I see the Mass Production Evangelions dopey face. Seriously, it's hilarious.
On a slightly more technical note, I'm trying out a unique writing style here. The Evangelions are, for all intents and purposes, living robots, so I figured their speech and thought would be clipped and utilitarian. Turning that into humor was not quite as hard as I imagined, since I could let the narrator go wild. Similarly, for their thoughts, I've decided to skip using quotations or italics, and present their thoughts through the eyes of the narrator, hoping to make it as funny as possible. Let me know what you think. My other fic, Pheromones, will finally be coming off of its unplanned hiatus now that I have time for it, so look out for that, RWBY fans. Have a good one, mates.