Thanks A Lot

This Story is Dedicated to Hollys Bella.

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Author's Note: Like mentioned above, this is dedicated to Hollys Bella. She earned this story. This is James/Lily/Sirius and I wanted to make it funny, but it turned out sort of like I took too much crack and decided to write when I was high. I apologize. I'm sort of taken with this style right now. But this is in letter form. Enjoy!

Dear Sirius,

I wish you didn't exist. That's right. I just spewed out those harsh words. And guess what?

I MEANT IT.

Ouch.

And knowing you, you'll probably be all indignant and confused and be all, "Why? I'm your best mate! I'm pretty! I knitted those bloody socks for you which made you get a gross rash which I laughed at for weeks and weeks, reveling in your pain!"

Well, it's because you're a total Dipwad-Jerkface-Bastard-Dumbledorekissing-Vampirefondling-Mudeating-Mumfeeling-Nasty Sickhead.

That's right. I just called you a total Dipwad-Jerkface-Bastard-Dumbledorekissing-Vampirefondling-Mudeating-Mumfeeling-Nasty Sickhead. You're crying? Well good. You should be.

But you're probably now saying, "Why?" because you're a loser. Well, I'll tell you why.

YOU ALMOST RUINED THE CHANCE OF ME GOING OUT WITH LILY.

Do you know how long I've been waiting for the moment I can proudly say, "Lily Evans is my girlfriend"? You of all people should know. I've been telling you all this for three years. Straight. If that hasn't been driven into your head by now (which I wouldn't be surprised if it did not) then you're thicker than Moony's sweater he always wears during winter because he's such a cold-phobic.

But you're probably now going, "What did I do?" What did you do? What did you do? I'll tell you what you did, you stinking bastard!

There I was, in the perfect position to walk up to Lily and talk to her a little bit before popping the big question-o, standing under the boys' dormitory staircase, glancing out at Lily sitting in one of the armchairs. I was just preparing myself, you know, like a smart person would do, something that you clearly have no idea about.

So I'm just telling myself to calm down and suck it up, it really can't be that awful. But I feel awful. Because here I am, walking into something that could very easily be the biggest disappointment of my life and if I am rejected by Lily whom I love with all my heart, I will gladly curl into depression and die in a corner without touching another morsel of food, a drop of water, or a splinter of a broomstick again.

Not that much at stake, huh?

After calming myself down a little bit so I'd stop shaking so much, I took a deep breath and boldly started towards Lily, you know, because that's smart. You usually walk towards the person you want to ask out. And no, she usually do not fall at your feet like it happens to you sometimes. And that's only when she drinks too much, not because she loves you, if you couldn't tell by the way she says someone else's name, not yours.

Anyway, there's Lily and I'm like, okay, get psyched. You can totally do this.

So I go, "Hey Lily." And naturally, she replies, "Hey." You know, because we are totally normal people, unlike you.

Then I'm getting nervous again and Lily just stares at me and asks slowly, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?" I'm just lying by that point.

So I'm about to pop the question and be like, "Hey, Lily do you want to be my girlfriend and go to Hogsmeade and buy obnoxious candy and eat it and get sick and go bother the Great Squid and snog each other? Because that would be totally hot."

But no. You know why? You know why, Sirius Who-I-Wish-Didn't-Exist Black?

Because you, yes, you with your disgusting face, jumped towards me out of nowhere and smacked my arse. Yeah. Did you hear that right?

You smacked my arse.

What is that? Are you, are you hungry for my arse or something? What's wrong with you? You don't go around hitting people's arses, Sirius. Most people call that "inappropriate behavior". But a remark like that's never stopped you, huh? Because you clearly hit my arse.

Of course I couldn't just be like, "Ha ha, someone just jumped out at me and smacked my arse, ha ha, let's forget what happened and live harmoniously and embrace each other and have a Firewhiskey, on me of course, ha ha."

NO.

I think you remember when I swiveled around and was like, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT". You were like, grinning like an idiot and just said, "Hey James."

I was not having any of your little "Hey James" schemes. So I was like, "WHAT THE HELL YOU PRAT" and Lily was totally like, "Ha ha ha. You two are so stupid."

Well, you know Sirius, I don't really want to be known as stupid, especially by Lily when I'm trying to ask her out. It's just the simple logic of things. Because that's a smart thing to do. You do not look stupid in front of your future-maybe-if-she-says-yes girlfriend, okay? But you obviously didn't know that.

So then, you're like an idiot, ha ha duh, and just went, "What are you two doing?"

I couldn't say, "asking out Lily" because that would defeat the purpose of actually asking her and ruin the le surprise, so I was just like, "GO AWAY YOU STUPID HAIRY TOE SUCKER" because I totally saw you that one time when you licked your toes. Yeah. I saw you.

Then you had to sit on the arm part of Lily's armchair and give Lily this disgusting look and she gave you one back which was totally like, "Ha ha we have a secret and ain't tellin' you, dumbarse." I did not appreciate that.

Then I was like, "SIRIUS BLACK COME HERE YOU DICKHEAD" and you were like, "Ha ha, what?" So I dragged you away from Lily who looked too amused for my comfort.

After I dragged you away from Lily so you could stop being a horrid influence on her, you were all grumbling and saying, "What's your problem? I was just conversing with a fellow Gryffindor."

So of course, I had to be like, "YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M TRYING TO ASK HER OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GO HOME".

It was the wrong thing to say. Obviously.

Because then you squealed. Squealed. SQUEALED. What the fuck is that? Who the hell squeals? What are you? A Peter? Hmm? Because normal people aren't supposed to squeal. They aren't supposed to be planning evil things with their best mate's love interest either. They are supposed to sit quietly at their tables and eat soup. Not squeal.

By then, I was so done with you. Like, just completely done. So I said, "Sirius Black, you are hereby banished from the Gryffindor Common Room. Go to your dormitory. Now."

Sirius, you are not the most helpful person in the universe. Even Peter, after ten shots of Firewhiskey and wearing a lampshade as a hat is more agreeable than you most of the time.

Then you became a total bitch and was like, "Psh, no. I'm going to watch you do it. And whisper into Lily's ear that she should say no because you have moobs."

"I do not have moobs. You do. They're huge. You slouch most of the time because they're so heavy."

"You only say that because you're jealous of my abs." Then you had the nerve to grin at me. "Here, feel them."

"I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL YOUR ABS, SIRIUS BLACK! GO TO YOUR DORMITORY AND STAY THERE UNTIL THE APOCALYPSE COMES!"

"Fine, fine, Jamesie. Go lover her up some good then."

So then you left after irritating me. And I thought it was the end of it and went back to Lily who was grinning, so completely amused.

"So what were you and Sirius doing?" she asked me. "Was it another bromance moment–"

Um, she thinks we have a bromance going on. What the hell is with that? I could never be attracted to an imp like you, so I don't know what she's talking about.

"No!" I answered quickly, of course, because that's disgusting. "Why do you keep saying that? That's gross."

"It's just funny," she said back which most certainly was not funny. "But seriously, calm down. I'm kidding. I've always known it's been between Remus and Sirius all along. Or is it a threesome between you three?"

Um, excuse me?

Here I was, standing in front of the love of my life about to ask her out and she decides to throw the gay card at me and be like all, "Ha ha, I bet you have fun little threesomes with Remus and Sirius. That's so cute."

No. No. No.

"Lily Evans, I fully advise you to shut up," I told her, raising my eyebrows in a serious manner. And no, not your name, you egotistical prat.

So she was all, "Psh. Why would I do that?"

"Because," I answered back. "Because I'm trying to ask you out."

Then it got sort of awkward and she was sort of staring at me and I was sort of panicking and ready run and thinking "Oh, Merlin why did I say that?" but then I decided to jump to it and not act like a flimsy bastard and just said the question pretty loudly which wasn't smart at all.

"Lily, will you go out with me?"

And you know what I was thinking at that moment? I was thinking, "Maybe, maybe, she'll be graciously enough to break it to me kindly instead of dropping the anvil on my head," and anticipating her answer. But guess what, Sirius?

I didn't get to fucking hear it.

Why? Oh, why you ask?

BECAUSE YOU JUMPED OUT OF NOWHERE, SMACKED MY ARSE AND THREW CONFETTI EVERYWHERE.

Hey, three words:

What. The. Hell.

This is all I heard instead of a sweet "Yes, James, an infinite yes," from Lily's beautiful lips:

"A couple! The first couple out of the four! This is so cute! Even for you, James!"

And a fucking squeal.

What is wrong with you?

You know, I was just ready to beat your fat head in when Lily laughed and just said, "Of course then, since Sirius confirmed it."

So I felt obliged to be all, "If you don't like me, then you don't have to say yes because Sirius just randomly burst out and threw confetti in your eyes–"

"Hey, shut up," you snapped at me. "She's your chipper little girlfriend now and go and snog her senseless."

Um, that fully deserved a smack and I would have followed through, if Lily hadn't leaned over and kissed me. Which was sweet and I felt like grinning all of a sudden.

So, you know, I was fucking mad at you, but then decided to forgive you. Happy? You should be. But you better not pull something like that again, Sirius Black.

That was a warning. So better watch your back. I'll forgive you just this time. But never again. Got it? Good.

Well, I'm going to go now. So. The end.

Love, James

P.S. My second favorite part of that day (the first? Guess, you dummy) was when you screamed when you found out I put spiders in your bed. And big ones too. Ha ha.