Author's Note This is my second fic in 8 months, so I have no idea what I am doing. This idea came to me. Why, I don't know, but I knew I had to write it. Thanks to my wonderful betaConny, without whom this story would have been very confusing. Please read and review!
Summary: This is set after Pulp Friction, but more into the future. Sookie is not pregnant. Rory is busy with Yale and Logan and she and Lorelai have grown apart. Luke never bought the Twickham house.
The Pillow
The phone rang again, but she didn't hear it. She sat curled up on the couch, a pillow clutched to her stomach. It was almost 11 PM and the rain was falling against the window, but both had gone unnoticed by Lorelai. A few seconds later, it rang again, causing her to snap out of her daze. She felt like she would have just woken up from a nap, though she had been wide awake. It rang once more and this time Lorelai got up from the couch, flinching a little from the small sting in her stomach. She walked over to the phone and picked it up, not answering right away.
"Hello?" came the questioning voice from the other end. "Lorelai? You there?" 'Of course…' she thought. She recognized the voice immediately. She had listened to that voice for 8 years. "Luke, hi," she said softly and a little insecure.
"Are you okay?" he asked, somewhat concerned.
"I'm fine, I was just taking a nap," she lied, even though for her it felt like she had.
"Oh, I'm sorry I woke you."
"No, no problem, I uhm, I...," her voice trailed off as the events of the day slowly made their way back into her mind. Luke knew that something was wrong. The breaking of Lorelai's voice alerted him that she was definitely not okay, but he waited for her to speak. It took her a few moments before she was able to mutter: "Uhm, can you come over?"
"Sure, I'll be right there," he said, a little surprised. She had been fine when he last saw her the night before. He wondered what could be wrong, but brushed it off as something not to worry about.
Ever since they had gotten back together after being separated for 4 weeks, their relationship was stronger than ever. They would try to see each other every day, maybe unconsciously making up for lost time. They definitely talked more, realizing that the lack of such had caused the break-up in the first place. The future hadn't really been discussed, but both knew they wanted this relationship to work - more than anything else.
The past few weeks had been hard on Lorelai. She and Rory were growing more and more apart, and that hurt her more than she was willing to admit. Luke had the advantage of knowing Lorelai for years, so he knew what kind of effect it had on her. She talked to him about it, but she wouldn't tell him everything. He was okay with that, trusting that she would tell him when she was ready. It did cause her, however, to create a small wall around herself, a wall Luke wasn't sure yet how to get through.
He closed the door of his truck and ran through the pouring rain. He stood on her porch breathlessly, when he noticed none of the lights were on inside. He knocked on the door and called her name, hoping she wasn't asleep yet. She opened the door, dressed in an old shirt and some sweatpants, the pillow still held to her stomach.
"Hey," she smiled, "come in." Luke leaned down to kiss her, but noticed that she withdrew from him very quickly. Their lips had barely touched. He didn't say anything about it and just walked into the dark living room.
"Why are all the lights out?"
"I uh, I have a major headache, and the lights were hurting my eyes." This time she didn't lie.
"If you want me to go, just say so, okay?" The concern was growing in his voice. "Lorelai, what's wrong?"
Lorelai was still standing in the hallway, like she was afraid to join him in the living room, afraid of what she would have to tell him if she did, so she just leaned against the door frame and stared at the floor like all the answers were written on it.
After a few moments, she slowly made her way to the couch and turned on the one light on the table next to it.
"Luke, I need to tell you something, but I don't know how." The tears she had cried earlier were not noticeable anymore and all she felt now was numbness.
"Okay. Well, whatever it is, you can tell me." He still had no idea what was wrong, but the defeated look on his girlfriend's face told him it was big.
There was a long silence. They were sitting on her couch, Lorelai curled up in the same position she was in earlier, the pillow clutched to her stomach again. Luke sat next to her, his body completely turned in her direction, his eyes searching for hers. Her hand was in his.
"I don't even know where to begin," she said, still unable to look him in the eyes.
The weekend before
Saturday afternoon was spent in Hartford. Luke reluctantly agreed to go shopping with her, knowing he would spend most of the day just waiting while Lorelai would try on some new shoes or a new outfit, but he needed some supplies for his boat anyway. Since it had been such a long time since they had spent a whole weekend together, he decided it wasn't that bad.
That evening, they had dinner at Sniffy's. Whenever they both felt like celebrating or just wanted a special evening together, they would go there and escape the world for just a few hours.
"God, that was amazing," she managed to get out in between breaths, as she collapsed onto Luke's chest.
"How many times have I told you, I am not God?"
"Well, many times, but still, you come pretty damn close, mister!" She laughed as she slapped him on the chest. Luke couldn't help but smile and drew her in for a kiss.
"Come on, it's time to get up," Luke said, getting out of bed.
"Hey! We just woke up."
"No, we did not just wake up, we have been up for 2 hours already, or have you already forgotten what we've been doing those last 2 hours?"
"Alright, I'll be right down," she said while burying her face in her pillow again.
Luke made her breakfast, like he always did when he stayed over. This Sunday afternoon was spent with watching movies, something Lorelai loved to do and something that Luke had started to love too, even though he would never admit to it.
He also made them dinner that night. One of the things Lorelai had missed most during their time apart was Luke's cooking. She had never, in her wildest dreams, imagined Luke to be such a great cook.
After dinner they were lying on the couch, watching the fourth movie of the day.Luke was playing with a strand of Lorelai's hair, not really focusing on the movie at all. He could only think about how perfect everything was at the moment. Here he was lying on the couch with the woman, he was fairly sure he loved, in his arms. He didn't know that Lorelai was thinking the same thing. She felt so lucky to have a second chance with this man, who also happened to be her best friend.
Halfway through the movie, Lorelai suddenly felt a sting of pain in her stomach. It was like a cramp, only different. She couldn't define it, but it was that time of the month again, so she excused herself from Luke's arms and went to the bathroom. She wasn't surprised to find that her period had started, so she quickly cleaned herself up and went back to the movie.
Luke had already told her he couldn't stay over that night and that turned out to be for the best.
"You really have to go?" she asked, reluctantly pulling away from his lips.
"You know I really have to go".
"Ugh, I know, I know. Just one more kiss." She pulled him closer to her and kissed him one last time before pulling him into a hug.
"Thanks for this weekend, I had a lot of fun," she whispered in his ear.
"Good, I'm glad", he smiled shyly. It was not often that they both had a weekend off to do whatever they wanted, but this had been one of those rare occasions.
She kissed him again and then watched him walk to his truck and drive off into the night. Even though it was spring, the weather hadn't been that great so far. The temperatures were low and they had had way too much rain for Lorelai's taste. She went back inside, turned off all the lights and went straight to bed. She had felt a little weird all evening, but she just blamed it on her hormones.
Lorelai didn't sleep much that night. The night was spent with twisting and turning and a lot of sweating. Every hour or so, Lorelai would wake up with a huge cramp in her stomach, the kind you want to wish away, but that is so severe that you can't think of anything else, which only intensifies the pain.
Before dawn, Lorelai decided to get out of bed and take a warm shower. It always helped her before, and it seemed to work this time too. She was a little shocked by the blood loss, but the pain subsided a little, enough for Lorelai to get dressed and head to the Inn.
Sookie was the only one present at 7 AM except for the staff serving breakfast. Lorelai was happy she wasn't alone. She still felt weird but couldn't say what it was.
"Hey Sook."
"Hey sweetie. How was you weekend with Luke?" Sookie asked, without turning around, because she was busy making breakfast for the guests.
"It was great. It had been a while since we had a weekend off together, so we had a great time," Lorelai said, her voice getting softer.
"Oh, that's great, honey." When Sookie turned to look at her friend, she was shocked to see Lorelai so pale. "Lorelai, are you okay?"
"I... am... ow." At that point, Lorelai clutched her stomach and bent forward. Sookie ran over to her to try and help her, but Lorelai kept her at arm's length, literally.
"I just got these cramps and... ow!" This time Lorelai fell to her knees, hands still clutching her stomach, her eyes closed tightly.
"We're going to the hospital," Sookie said sternly, grabbing her jacket and car keys. Lorelai followed her out the door, knowing full well this was not a regular period.
The drive to the hospital took longer than they had hoped. Monday morning traffic was just as bad as always, so it took them nearly half an hour before they reached the ER.
As Lorelai was rushed in, Sookie had managed to ask her if she should call Luke, but Lorelai had told her not to, just because she didn't want him to worry over nothing.
Sookie paced back and forth in the waiting room, hoping her friend would be okay. She felt really helpless, knowing there was not much to do for her aside from calling Michel and telling him he needed to get to the Inn as soon as possible.
A few minutes after she was rushed into one of the examination rooms, the cramps had died down a little and the bleeding had almost stopped, so Lorelai was able to answer a few of the doctor's questions. Because Lorelai had said she wasn't pregnant, the doctor decided to do an internal examination. It was over quickly and the doctor looked up into her pleading eyes.
"And?" she asked, hoping he would tell her it was nothing.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Ms. Gilmore, but you just had a miscarriage."
Her eyes widened. "What? But that can't be. I wasn't... I mean, oh my God..." She covered her mouth with her hand.
"Apparently you were pregnant, about 8 weeks along. I am sorry, Ms. Gilmore. I will send a nurse in to help you clean up and then you can go home. There is no reason for you to stay here. You are perfectly healthy otherwise."
Stunned, she was unable to say anything. Ask anything. A million questions were running through her mind, but none of them seemed to find the way to her mouth. The doctor left and soon a nurse came in and just 15 minutes later, Lorelai walked out of the examination room. Sookie jumped up, surprised to see Lorelai walking out and curious as to how Lorelai was doing. Lorelai's face, however, held no expression.
"What happened? Are you okay?" Sookie asked, genuinely concerned.
"I uhm, I had a miscarriage," Lorelai said with a small smile, feeling like this was one big joke and could not really be happening. Lorelai's eyes glazed over.
"You what?" Sookie was shocked and felt instantly sad.
"Yeah, 8 weeks pregnant."
Both women were quiet for a while, in utter disbelief of what was happening. If Lorelai had known she was pregnant, Sookie would definitely have been one of the people that would have known about it. Sookie had no idea what to say or ask or do, so she just led the way to her jeep and drove back to Stars Hollow.
They arrived at Lorelai's house and both women got out of the car. They entered the house in silence. From the kitchen Sookie asked her friend, who was still standing in the living room: "Can I get you something?"
At that point, Lorelai broke down. She started crying and couldn't stop as hard as she tried. Sookie tried to soothe her, but soon realized that there was nothing she could say or do to relieve the pain Lorelai was feeling.
After a while, Lorelai calmed down somewhat. Every now and then a tear still rolled down her cheek, but at least she was able to talk a little. Sookie asked again if she should call Luke, but the mention of his name scared Lorelai a little. She had no idea how she was going to tell him this, but she knew she had to, some way. Lorelai could see all the questions in her best friend's eyes, but was glad to find she didn't ask all of them. Lorelai had the same questions running through her mind too, but unfortunately the answers were nowhere to be found.
It was almost noon when Lorelai urged Sookie for the millionth time to get back to the Inn and tried to convince her she would be fine. She also explained that she needed some time to herself to at least try to figure some things out, like how to tell Luke. Sookie understood and after she made sure Lorelai had eaten a sandwich, Sookie was gone.
Lorelai curled up on the couch and clutched a pillow to her stomach, like it would soften all the blows that life would deal her. The pain had subsided, except for an occasional sting.
She couldn't believe what had happened. A miscarriage. Miscarriage. The word kept repeating itself over and over in her mind, like a bad broken record. How could this have happened? She and Luke were almost always safe, anxious not to jeopardize the relationship, because when it came to kids, Lorelai considered Luke to be the last person who planned on having a family. The words 'jam hands' came to mind, but the conversation they once had during one of the dance marathons also emerged.
She hadn't thought about that talk since it happened, but Luke did say there would be 'a conversation' about the topic of children, if he ever met the right person. Was she the right person? Did he still feel like this? But the most important question of all scared her to death: what did this mean for their relationship? Would Luke run for the hills or stay with her through all this? Whatever the outcome of that question was, she knew she had to tell him.
A few hours later, after the tears had stopped and the numbness had taken over, the thought of calling Rory crossed her mind. She really wanted to talk to her daughter, needed to talk to her daughter, but things had been so off lately that she didn't feel comfortable enough to spring this on her now. So she held her current position on the couch, her thoughts taking over again, keeping her away from the outside world - including Luke's phone call.
Now he was here, asking her what had happened, but all the different scenarios she had come up with over the past few hours flew out the window the minute she saw him.
"Okay. Well, whatever it is, you can tell me. " 'No I can't,' was the first thing that came to mind, but all she could say was:"I don't even know where to begin."
He looked at her expectantly, seeing in her eyes that something was terribly wrong. If it had been about Rory or anyone else, she would have told him by now. He was fairly certain about that, but this was different. Very different.
"What's wrong?" he asked again, but with a lot of softness in his voice, a softness that reassured Lorelai she could tell him and he wouldn't run. She squeezed his hand a little as she stared into his eyes.
"I uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but I uhm, I went to see a doctor today and uhm..." her voice trailed off. She intentionally mentioned 'doctor' and not 'hospital' because she didn't want to scare him too much, but also because she was afraid he would get mad at her for not calling him earlier.
Trying to vocalize the words made all the events and feelings real again and it caused a lump in her throat. She had a hard time trying not to break down again, but an even harder time saying what she had to say.
"What did he say?" he asked, still with the same softness.
"Well, you remember I got my period last night, don't you?" He nodded. A tear fell down her cheek. "Well, it got really bad last night and this morning so uhm..." Her voice trailed off again, realizing she had to mention the word 'hospital' anyway, so she continued, more tears falling: "It got really bad and Sookie had to take me to the hospital." The tears were unstoppable and soon she was sobbing again.
"Lorelai, are you okay?" He was getting more and more curious and scared at the same time. What in the world was wrong? His mind started racing, and he had a hard time trying not to picture the worst and just listening to what she had to say.
"I was pregnant, Luke!" The uncontrollable crying was back again. She clutched the pillow a little tighter and released her hand from his to wipe away some of the tears, even though she knew it would be in vain.
The words took a while to register. What did she mean 'was pregnant'? Just as he was wondering about this she said: "I had a miscarriage." It was in the same broken voice she had when they were on the phone earlier. Luke's face fell and his heart broke for her.
"Oh my God," he said in disbelief, but still very softly. He didn't hesitate, but pulled her in for a hug and she let him, relieved that he was still there.
"I'm so sorry," she muffled.
"Oh God, don't be. It's not your fault." He could not believe what he was hearing, but he also knew it was very much like Lorelai to try and take the blame for every bad thing that happened. "It's gonna be okay. I'm here now," he added.
They stayed that way for what felt like forever. He soothed her by stroking her hair and her back, letting her cry against his neck. Seeing her this hurt broke his heart. He didn't cry, but the lump in his throat did cause him to have trouble breathing.
Of all the things he had thought of, things that could be wrong, this hadn't even been on the list. A miscarriage. Miscarriage. The word haunted his mind, like it had haunted Lorelai's hours before. He had no idea how to fix this. He usually had a solution for everything. That was the reason everyone always came to him for help, but this time it was different. What would this mean for their relationship? All he knew was he needed to be here with her and together they would have to work things out.
At some point, Luke asked Lorelai if she wanted to tell him what had happened. He knew better than to ask why she hadn't called him, knowing that she would shut down and not be willing to tell him everything, questioning if she had done the right thing.
She pulled back from his embrace and stared at her hands, again clutching the pillow. "I don't know. I thought I was having a normal period, but I got these cramps and they were really bad and I lost a lot of..." She looked him in the eyes to see if it would freak him out if she said the word 'blood'. Even though they had been together for a year, all she felt Luke had to know about her menstrual cycle was when it began and when it ended.
Luke nodded, like he knew what she meant, but also to urge her to continue. "So Sookie drove me to the hospital and there the cramps stopped and the doctor told me I had had a... a miscarriage". She looked down at her hands again and continued: "He also told me I was 8 weeks along." Talking about it now didn't seem so scary anymore. It didn't hurt any less, but the fear of telling Luke was gone and she felt free to tell him everything.
"8 Weeks? But how is that possible? I mean, shouldn't you, you know, maybe have felt anything? Morning sickness or whatever? I mean, you didn't know, did you?" It was out before he realized it and Luke wasn't sure he should have asked, but he needed her to confirm this.
"No Luke, I didn't know! What did you think, I wasn't gonna tell you?" The hurt and anger were evident in her voice.
"No, I'm sorry, I'm just..." His voice trailed off. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." She knew he was telling the truth and could only imagine the shock he must be feeling about all this. "It's okay," she cut him off. "I have skipped a period before, so I didn't think much about it. And when I was pregnant with Rory during the first trimester I had some blood loss, but this time I just thought it was a light period. I guess I was wrong..."
Suddenly a strike of fear shot through Luke. "It wasn't because we... you know..." His inability to say the word 'sex' told Lorelai what he was talking about. "No Luke, definitely not. Don't worry."
"Oh, okay." A sigh of relief escaped his throat.
They were both silent for a long time, both deeply lost in thought, trying to let it all sink in. Luke was the one to break the silence: "It would have been okay, you know..."
Startled by his voice, she came out of her daze. "What?" she asked.
"…if you had been pregnant."
"Well, I was Luke." She wasn't quite following him.
"No, I mean, if everything had gone well. It would have been okay." He looked up at her to find her staring at him with a twinkle in her eye. A twinkle he hadn't seen all night.
"Luke, I.., I don't know what to say," relief washing over her face.
"You don't have to say anything." Again, she found herself lost in his embrace.
Her initial reaction to Luke's revelation was sheer relief. He did want kids, and with her. This made her very happy, finally having the reassurance that she was the one for him. Sadness soon washed over her again, realizing for the first time she had lost their baby and it scared her more than it had before. Their baby. What if she couldn't get pregnant anymore? Let's face it, time was ticking. What if this had been their last chance and they wouldn't get a second one?
Luke noticed she was crying because of the wetness against his neck. He pulled back to look her in her eyes. She slowly met his eyes and said in a voice just above a whisper: "I lost our baby, Luke." Tears welled up in his eyes, but he knew he had to pull himself together fast. He had to be the strong one right now. There would be time for his tears later.
"What if...," she started, but Luke cut her off, pulling her head to his neck and rubbing her back gently.
"It's gonna be alright. Shhh. It's okay." He had no idea if it would ever be okay, but for now Lorelai seemed to believe him.
This time, the pillow she had clung to fell to the floor, but somehow it was alright, because now Luke was there to soften all the blows she would have to endure and he would be there to keep everything safe inside his arms.
"Hey," he smiled. He had been watching her sleep for the past hour, not a worry on her mind.
"Hey," she yawned. She loved waking up next to him, but the thoughts of everything that had happened quickly brought her back to reality and removed the smile on her face.
"How did you sleep?" They had spent the entire night just talking about their past mistakes, their relationship now, their fears and their future. They had never talked so much in the last 8 years as they had done last night.
"It was okay." Her cheeks were still damp from last night's tears and her eyes still felt swollen. "How did you sleep?" she asked as she moved closer to him.
"It was alright."
They were silent again, but this time everything was different. The initial shock was gone and now they faced a long road ahead of them - a road that would be filled with ups and downs, but a road they would travel together. They felt closer to each other than ever before. Both were certain they wanted this for the rest of their lives. Just being together. Maybe Lorelai would get pregnant again, maybe she wouldn't, but it wouldn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore except for them.
"Hey Luke, hand me the phone, will ya?" He did as he was told and was wondering who in the world Lorelai was calling first thing in the morning.
"Hello?"
"Hey kid, how have you been?"
The End