A large, bronze statue stares at the camera with a monotone gaze. The intricate carvings that laced its body only heightened the majesty that was the Ancient Automaton. Breathing out a mechanical sigh, the giant golden Buddha manages to grab a large pair of eyeglasses from a passing Bokoblin, and puts it on his eyeless face. Arranging a few papers on his desk with two of his hands and straightening two massive chairs to the right with another pair, the bronze behemoth creepily smiles.
"Hello, there, ladies and gentlemen," the Ancient Automaton's voice rings out, sounding a lot like Morgan Freeman with a synthesizer "This is a special episode of 'The Boss Round'. Here, we can discuss the methods and the drive that keeps these many, many adversaries so unique. I am your host, the Ancient Automaton: Koloktos, and later, we'll meet some of the bosses that had accompanied me in the Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword."
Koloktos picks up a tiny (compared to him) glass of water and pours the contents into his hollow mouth.
"Now, please let me introduce my first guest. He's come here from the Earth Temple deep within the Eldin Volcano! His fire based attacks kept the Hero of the Goddess in a fast pace, and he really is in a roll; the Pyroclastic Fiend: Scaldera!"
After Koloktos' introduction, what seemed to be a large boulder erupts from the ground. The audience comprised of Bokoblins, Moblins, Stalfos, Guardians, LD-200G Pirate Robots, Remlits, Scrapper and other various enemies in the Zelda universe leaned forward in their seats, expecting a Boss' grand entrance. Sure enough, Scaldera delivered. Six insect like legs burst out of the cracks in between the rocks that formed the fiend's outer carapace. An extremely large maw gaped skyward, inhaling an enormous amount of air. A single eye appears from underneath a piece of rock and stares at the hordes of enemies. In turn, the creatures cheered at the boss' entrance.
"Thank you, thank you," Scaldera's voice boomed, sounding a lot like Jeff Foxworthy, "I do like to make an entrance."
The audience cheers as the Pyroclastic Fiend sits upon a chair made of polished rock.
"So, Scaldera," Koloktos smiles, starting the conversation, "Once you heard that the Goddess was captured by the Bokoblins, what was your first reaction?"
"I can tell you one thing, Koloktos," Scaldera replies, "It really did fill my heart with rainbows."
The audience laughs at the fiend's reference.
"It really did make me laugh," Scaldera adds, "I still couldn't believe that the Goddess herself put her soul into human form! I mean, why in the Hell would you do that?"
The audience nods at each other, contemplating on why a deity would do such a thing.
"Well, it was so that the seal upon Demise would last until he was completely destroyed," Koloktos knowledgably adds.
The crowd boos at the Ancient Automaton's reply.
"It's the truth," Koloktos defends himself, "You know, all of you could've done better at the Horde Battle at the Sealed Grounds, you know that?"
The Guardians and the Pirate Robots nod amidst one another while the Bokoblins and Moblins merely twiddle their thumbs. A very pissed off Stalmaster looks at his troops, and knocks the head off of a Stalfos.
"Idiots," the Stalmaster grumbles.
"Now, in accordance with this show's time limit, there is going to be a short question period where the audience can ask our Boss anything," Koloktos smiles.
Immediately, a Bokoblin stands up.
"Uhm, Mr. Scaldera, sir," the Bokoblin mutters in a blatantly thick British accent, "Do ya 'ave any thoughts on them other bosses?"
"Yes I do my brutish friend," Scaldera grins, "First I'd like to start off with our so very fabulous Master: Ghirahim."
The audience laughs at Scaldera's reference once again.
"He's a bit creepy is you ask me. With that long tongue and the metrosexual get up? Eyugh, it just sends shivers up my exoskeleton! But in all, he's practically the one to thank for Fytah's lost leg."
The Pyroclastic Fiend points a finger at a Bokoblin without a leg, replaced by a peg made of steel.
"Second of course is Moldarach. Though I like the concept of yet another gigantic arachnid running around in a desert, he/she's a bit too weak, don't you think?"
"I can second that," Koloktos adds, "Though Moldarach is weak compared to the other bosses, he/she is a pretty fine boss."
"Yep. Except for the fact that you have to fight two of those things, then you're fine in Lanaryu, am I right? Third I'd like to point up is The Imprisoned. It's basically our true Master: Demise in a more vicious form. The top part of his body is all mouth and teeth! The bottom half though, is just some weird ass toes!"
"Is it just me, or do they look like jelly beans?" Koloktos mutters.
The audience howls in laughter at the automaton's insult.
"Aha! Of course, I can't forget about you, Koloktos. Your dungeon is basically a giant toilet bowl, right? Well, it's the cleanest toilet bowl I've ever seen! Plus, some people have actually started to call you the Giant Golden Badass Buddha with Giant Golden Badass Arms!"
"D'aww, you're embarrassing me," Koloktos vaguely blushes.
"And then, there's Tentalus. What the hell? It's like the unholy child of Medusa, Davy Jones, Ursula and Mike from Monster's Inc. born in Jamaica and put into the Lanaryu Sandsea!"
The audience gawks at Scaldera's numerous insults.
"But the boss fight itself is a bit challenging…because of the barrels!" Koloktos laughs, adding to the insult.
The crowd howls in laughter, numerous tears being shed from their eyes, apart from the Stalfos and the Pirate Robots. How Scrapper can cry is a huge mystery to me.
"And then there's Bilocyte infecting Levias. There are only a few words to describe that: WHAT THE FUCK? LIVING INSIDE HIS BLOWHOLE? That's absurd! And to end it all off, Demise. He's pretty cool, and using his own battlefield against him is pretty challenging to master on its own right. He's a badass that looks a lot like Akuma, possibly making him and Ganondorf brothers. But the only thing I can digress is that he stares at your Butterfly net like Ganondorf to a fishing rod."
"Is that all you have to say for tonight?" Koloktos asks the Pyroclastic Fiend.
"Pretty much it."
"Okay! That ends our show for today, and to those coming next week, we have four very special guests: Zant, Vaati, Majora and Ghirahim! Who can dance the best? You decide!"
Author's Note: Just some more Zelda randomness I whipped up. Personally, I love the bosses in Skyward Sword, but they're a bit too easy, INCLUDING KOLOKTOS. And Skyward Sword's the first Zelda game I've ever owned!
Anyways: Remember to Read and Review. Cheers!