So after this weeks episode, I laid awake in my bed staring through the curtains at the stars. I think it's been fairly obvious that the entire Berena fandom has been shook by happened just a few days ago. I myself took a little break from writing but when I was watching the night sky, I couldn't stop thinking about Bernie. Being strong for someone else when you're also in pain is one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure and I really felt for Bernie in this instance. So I wrote this.
Stars
The stars shone brightly above her, the sky clearer than it had been for a long time. It seemed wrong to be seeing such beauty at the end of what had been an emotional day.
Bernie rolled the lit cigarette between her fingers before a taking a long drag on it. It didn't seem real, nothing did.
She pulled her phone from her pocket and hit two on her speed dial. She took another long drag on her cigarette while she listened to the ring.
"Hi mum," a voice said when the ringing abruptly stopped.
She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Cam," she let out a breath and smiled. "Are you still at your dad's?"
"Last day," Cam said. They had spent New Year with Marcus. "Charlotte's still here too, do you want to speak with her?"
"Both of you," Bernie took another drag and looked up at the sky. There was rustling on the end of the phone and she could faintly hear Cam calling Charlotte. Her daughter. Her heart clenched and a gush of air left her lungs. Oh god, Serena.
"Hello mum!" It was Charlotte.
Bernie clenched her teeth and held her breath in an effort to stop herself from crying. It didn't work. A sob wracked her body, pain ripping from her lungs.
"Mum?" It was Cam. He'd put her on speaker phone. "Mum, what is it?"
She couldn't tell them like this.
"Are you at work?" Charlotte asked, worry deep in her voice.
"We'll come over..." Cam began.
"No!" Bernie said quickly. She dropped the burnt out cigarette and wiped at the tears on her face. "No, please. I'm fine, I just... I needed to hear... to hear your voices." A new wave of grief washed over her. She desperately wanted to see them, to hold them but now wasn't the time. She had to be strong for Serena, for Jason.
"But you're upset..." Charlotte said quietly. Bernie sighed, perhaps this hadn't been a good idea.
"Is Serena with you?" Cam asked.
Bernie couldn't help but smile at that. They knew how much Serena cared for her, they knew she would do anything for her. If only she had gotten to that stage with Elinor... "Yes," she said, clearing her throat. "She's..." she sucked in a deep breath to steady herself. "We've had a difficult... we lost someone and I just... I need to go back but I just wanted... I needed to hear your voices..."
There was a pause at the other end of the phone before Cam spoke. "Would you like to hear about what antics your daughter got up to on New Years Eve?" he asked, understanding what she needed from them.
Bernie's tears fell freely and she smiled. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes, I would."
She gazed up at the stars while she listened to her beautiful children argue over what had happened at the New Year's Eve party Marcus had thrown. It really was peaceful up on the roof. Perhaps she would bring Serena up here. Perhaps she would find it soothing.
"You still there mum?" Cam asked.
"I love you," Bernie said suddenly. "No matter what, I love you both so much. I don't... I know I don't say it often enough but never doubt how much I love you. I'm so glad I had..." she paused and took a deep breath. She smiled through her tears. "I'm so proud of you both." Her throat tightened and she pressed the heel of her hand into her eyes to try to hold back her tears.
"I love you too," Cam said.
"Always," Charlotte said softly. "We've never doubted that mum."
Bernie let out a sob. "I don't know what I ever did I deserve you..." she knew she was probably frightening them.
"What's going on, mum?" Cam asked.
"Nothing," she said softly. "It's been a busy day. Will the two of you stop by tomorrow morning?" She changed the subject quickly.
"We'll buy you breakfast," Charlotte said brightly after a slight pause.
"And a large coffee," Cam laughed.
Bernie smiled sadly but managed to laugh with him. "I have to go," she said after a moment. "See you tomorrow."
She listened to her children say goodbye and promised to pass on their love to Serena and Jason. There was no mention of Elinor and it broke her heart all over again that the hopes she and Serena had had that their children would become close, would never be realised.
Bernie looked back up at the sky once more as she disconnected her call and put her phone in the pocket of her hoodie. She took a deep breath and tried to push her kids out of her mind. She allowed her thoughts to return to Serena who needed someone to draw strength from, someone to rely on. Bernie would be everything Serena needed. She would be her rock. Her sounding board. Her shoulder to cry on. Everything.
She took another deep breath and looked up at the sky again. She squared her shoulders back and wiped the tears from her face. She counted to ten, then made her way back to the grieving mother she loved with all her heart.
Thank you all for reading. Be strong. Keep the faith. Be kind to each other.