Mystery Evangelion Theatre
In the
not too distant future,
2018 AD,
There was
a guy named James,
not too
different from you or me.
He worked
at the Marduc institute
Just
another guy in dark trenchcoat,
He did a
good job kicking angel face,
But Gendo
didn't trust him so he shot him into space!
GENDO:
I'll send
him cheesy fanfics,
Woo Woo
The worst
I can find!
Lalala
He'll
have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll
monitor his mind!
Now keep
in mind James can't control,
Woo Woo
Where the
fanfics begin or end!
Lalala
He'll try
to retain his sanity,
With the
help of his random friends!
RANDOM
ROLL CALL
Shinji
Ikari!
(Huh?)
Rei
Ayanami!
(Blue
hair is in!)
Dave
Scott!
(I am
David, hear me roar!)
Spike
Spiegel (I'm different!)
If you're
wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other
science facts,
Just
repeat to yourself,
This is
just a show,
I should
really just relax!
For
Mystery Evangelion Theatre 3000
Wannnnng!
James: Hey,
welcome to the show.
Dave: Greetings
humans!
James: You see,
today we've decided to celebrate, for lack of better employment, National
Zucchini Awareness Day!
Spike: Yes, and as
you can see here, we all have our trusty Zucchini Awareness Day clothing.
Shinji is piloting the Satellite of Indifference. SOI, for short. He is whistling Ode to Joy.
Ayanami is attending to some mundane cleaning in the background. Dave, James, and Spike are standing behind
the main control panel, looking up at the blank screen.
James: I would
like to enjoy today, since we have so many zucchinis to be thankful for, but my
psychic abilities tell me that Commander Ikari is going to be calling any
minute now.
Shinji: Not my dad again.
I start to get the feeling he doesn't like me!
Dave (coughing): No shit!
Shinji: Huh?
Dave: Umm… Oh Scmidtt…
Oh, nevermind.
Shinji: Tell me!
At this second, barely preventing Shinji from making a
fool of himself, Gendo appears on the screen.
He smirks evilly.
Gendo: Hello,
puppets.
All: Hello, Commander Ikari!
James: Say, why
the long face… oh, wait, that's an evil smirk.
Why does something smell like bad fanfics?
Spike: Don't jinx
us!
Gendo: Too late,
my little friends. I have this
amazingly new, amazingly pungent nose wrinkler. Fuyutski, send them the fic!
All: It's TV's
Fuyutski!
Fuyutski hits the button, and the klaxons blare. Everyone flies into a panic, except Shinji
and Rei, who are still whistling and scrubbing, respectively.
James: We've got
fanfic sign!
Doors:
1 – The doors to NERV HQ.
2 – The door to Misato's apartment.
3 – The classroom door.
4 – The door to the Eva cages.
5 – Jet Alone's access hatch.
6 – An entry plug.
It says Eva 14.
Everyone seats themselves.
Disclaimer: Evangelion is
not mine, nor will it ever be.
James: Damn right!
Author's note: uh…prologue
to a fic about Misato and Kaji…sorry I haven't been working on the other fic
lately? I dunno, nothing more to say…
Dave: Except this – Shinji, nooooooo!
Courting Misato:
Prologue
Spike: Chapter 1 –
buying beer.
Misato was angry…but that
wasn't unusual, especially when you dumped one chauvinistic, mussed-hair,
laughing-eyed baka into the cauldron of inequity.
James: Cauldron of inequity, the newest flavor from
Lamebucks.
Heck, he was the one that
was stirring the damn brew in the first place!
Spike (Bad French
Accent): And if you add cheese it comes
out with a very good, zesty cheddar flavor!
Misato growled, brushing
her hair back from bloodshot violet eyes
Dave: They weren't her eyes, but she was planning
on giving them back soon.
as she stormed
Dave: I'm here with Insecurity Watch 2000, and we
have sighted Hurricane Misato off the coast of northern Madagascar. You Californians might want to lock up,
seeing as there is a 0.001% it might actually hit you!
down the hall of the
GeoFront, fists clenched about a wooden clipboard.
James: She must have giant hands!
Ever since he had arrived
in Tokyo 3, Commander Ikari had been ordering her to "keep him in
line",
James: But hitting him with the newspaper just
wasn't working any more.
the female technicians and
support staff were complaining about his less than gentlemanly conduct around
them
Spike (as Kaji): I
wouldn't call it complaining.
(although there were a few
that did not mind at all),
Spike (coughing): Maya!
and Ritsuko had been
giving her less than subtle hints about "re-igniting the flame".
James: But she'd had trouble getting him to let her
cover him in lighter fluid.
Well, too bad for her, the
hypocrite. That flame was doused, the embers trod upon and buried like any
other toxic chemical waste, to be forgotten until the acid chewed its way
through the steel-caged barrel and contaminated the water supply…like it was
doing now.
Dave: Where did they
get these metaphors? Industrial-Surplus
Metaphor-Mart?
"Misato-san!"
There was a loud slapping of feet on the metal corridor
Spike:
It was Bongo, the chimp, and boy was he pissed!
floor before the
'contaminant' himself skidded to a halt right beside her, "helpfully"
taking the sheaf of papers from Misato's hands.
James: Helpful in the sense of "The Intestinal Flu
is Helpful".
"Here, let me take
that…wouldn't want such a delicate woman as yourself breaking a nail, would we,
Misato?"
Spike (as Misato):I'll
break you, punk!
Her eyes narrowed before
she replied curtly, "Kaji."
Kaji looked up from the
papers, that familiarly cocky grin coming to his lips as he tipped his head
slightly in that oh-so-annoying affectation. "Yeeesss, Misato?"
James (as misato):
"Go away."
Dave (as Misato): I've
got some glooming to do!
Instead of responding to
that demand, he began flipping through the papers again, keeping in step with
her as they walked down the corridors. The flickering luminescent lights cast
an eerie glow about his face
James: Chernobyl Kaji, with eerie glow
equipment! Luminescent lights not included.
as he stared down intently
at the reports, but no amount of bad lighting could detract from the fact that
he was an exceptionally handsome man. He sported a light stubble on a strong
chin and longer than normal hair that was pulled back in a perpetual ponytail.
Dave: It must suck when that gets stuck in doors
20 feet behind him!
His eyes were amber,
sometimes lambent with fire or passion, but usually mahogany with good humor.
Spike: And bright pink when he's had too much
Schnapps.
No, he was a handsome man
all right…too bad his pretty face hid bad moral character and carelessness,
Dave: As well as that
whole double agent thing.
she thought, then was immediately annoyed at herself. What did she
care anyway?
"These are pilot
reports, aren't they, Misato?" His voice pulled her back from her
James: Quiet escape.
Spike (as Misato):
Damn!
thoughts and she glanced
at him absently.
James:
as opposed to glancing at him presently.
"Yes, I asked a
conference with Commander Ikari to discuss their well-being. I'm afraid that
Asuka's last battle with the-"
Dave: Mutant Ass Monkey!
"He won't care, you
know."
Spike (as Kaji): He's
too busy dancing the hokey pokey with Fuyutski. They got the tape yeterday, and it's been a madhouse in there
ever since.
Misato's eyes narrowed.
"What do you mean by that?"
James (as Kaji): I mean that they're putting their right
minds in, and their right minds out, if you get the picture.
"Our esteemed
Commander does not care if the pilots die, he only concerns himself with the EVA,
if you had not noticed." He flipped the folder back
Dave: And it hit her in the head.
shut and clipped it to the
board again. Noticing the way she was glaring at him, he smiled and bowed
ironically,
James: I love the
rampant use of the wrong pronouns.
"Of course, that is
only my opinion."
"I don't believe
you."
Spike (as Misato): I still think they can fly!
"Hmmm…how much do you
want to wager on it? Shall we say…a day in which the loser must do anything the
winner says? Or perhaps, if you are a daring woman…a week?" He gave Misato
a humorous leer that made her hand itch to slap him, but mastering that
impulse, barely, she
Dave: beat him senseless with her handbag.
turned away from him, her
eyes glued stiffly in front of her.
James: Oh my God, get some solvent down here right
away!
"When are you going
back to Germany?" She asked pointedly, but as usual, the baka didn't get
the message. Or rather, he got the message, he just ignored it.
Dave: This had always hindered him in the whole
"get out before it blows" sense.
"Don't worry, my
sexy-" His grin stretched wider as she turned dagger-like eyes on him, but
he continued anyway, "-fiery, little woman, I'll be here much longer than
expected. The government has given me leave to protect the Second Child here,
after all, she is a representative of the German Republic, and what
could be more important than the Child that will help defeat the Angels?"
Spike: Government cheese.
"Terrific."
Misato muttered,
James: You get a cookie.
rubbing her eyes. In that brief
moment, Kaji caught her about the waist, pulling her closer to him. Misato's
breath caught.
Dave: On a barbed wire, and it got torn badly, so
she had to have it stitched back up.
She did not need to
be accosted at a time like this…especially when she was meeting with Gendo in a
couple minutes.
Spike: Gendo needed to
be accosted, however.
"Isn't it just,
Misato? Just like…old times." There was no mistaking what he meant,
especially when his voice had gone husky with…nostalgia? Desire?
James: Cheese?
She ignored it.
James: Never ignore the Cheese!
"I do not need
to experience the old times again, Kaji. Let go of me."
Dave (as Kaji): Oh,
c'mon, you remember, can we please?
James (as Misato): No!
Dave (as Kaji): But you
said you liked playing Candyland!
James (as Misato): No!
"You don't mean
that." He was grinning again, that infernally annoying grin that others
deemed as "sexy" and "rakish".
Spike: Always was more
shovelish to me.
Well, it was, but it was
also infernally irritating, especially since he had that king-of-the-mountain
look on his face as well.
She hissed, pushing
against his chest. "Actually, I do."
"Oh? Well…let's try a
little experiment…" His head swooped down to steal a kiss
James: But the guard stopped him at the door.
that sent her reeling
before he finally released her lips. Pleased by her dazed expression, he raised
a brow, his voice gently coaxing, "It would be fun, Misato…you
remember…"
Spike (as Kaji): I'll wear the special pants again.
It was that last statement
that brought her snapping back to reality. Oh she did remember, too
well…
James (as Misato): No, please dear God, not the pants!
Misato was just about to
grind her teeth, denying the reaction in her own body as she glared at him.
Dave: Okay, sentence structure am questionable.
Instead of flying into a
cat-like rage and screaming like she wanted to do, she smiled stiffly,
calmly raised a heeled foot,
Dave: And shoved it up
his nose.
and brought it slamming
down on Kaji's worn, brown loafers…with satisfying results. He choked, hands
loosening from their position around her hips as he yanked his injured
appendage back and proceeded to hop a few steps before limping around to glance
at the smug satisfaction in Misato's amethyst eyes.
James: They're gonna charge her overdue fines on
those eyes if she doesn't return them soon.
"I take that to mean
a no?" He asked with a somewhat strained smile. Misato's cat-in-cream
James: What is with this guy and liquid metaphors?
expression became more
pronounced as she proceeded to pick up the fallen papers that were scattered
about the metal halls.
"It means no."
"Or a maybe?"
"No."
Dave (as Misato): What part of 'No' don't you understand? The N, or the O?
Misato scooped down to
pick up the fallen papers before tossing her ebony-black hair back with artless
elegance. Without further acknowledgement to her former lover, the Major of
Special Operations proceeded to make her way to one of the lifts that would
take her to the main command headquarters. She didn't need to turn around to
know that he wouldn't follow her…for now.
But his voice, however
faint, asked, "Not even in a million years?"
Spike ( as Kaji): No,
huh? How about a billion?
Misato rolled her eyes.
"Not if you were the last man on Earth!"
James (as Kaji): Hey,
it's not like I haven't heard that before.
The lift doors closed.
Dave: On Kaji.
Mumbling to himself, Kaji
leaned against the wall, a slight smile tracing his lips,
Spike: You know, they
probably shouldn't do that. Graphite is
not good for the lips.
"She shouldn't joke
like that…if the Angels succeed, there should be a man with her to enjoy the
last night with." Then he shrugged and turned around, retracing his steps,
Spike: More tracing?
wincing slightly at the
dull throb in his foot. "Hmm…but what a way to go, in the arms of a hot
woman like her…I wonder what she would have said if I had told her that?"
Dave: Probably, "Toast this, monkey boy."
***
Misato was smiling after
that, enjoying all five minutes of her reprieve…until the lift doors opened and
she came face to face with Ritsuko Akagi…who was looking cool and professional
as usual. She raised a censorious brow before motioning to Misato follow her.
"Major Katsurugi…you're late. Commander Ikari has been waiting for
you."
Spike (as
Ritsuko): He's got the pants.
Dave (as Misato): What is it with you people and pants?
Misato sighed, walking
with the blonde-haired woman, before she gave a nonchalant shrug. "Oh
well, he can only fire me. And I could probably find a job that pays more down
at the Tokyo 3 mall as a sale's clerk. What do you think, Ritsuko, would I do
well as a clerk? Or a model?"
Dave: Or a bouncer?
Ritsuko only shook her
head. "You're going to get in trouble one of these days, Misato. We cannot
afford to be reckless now." Now she had reached the office levels the
halls were somewhat more hospitable, though drab. It was done in neutral browns
and light beige, giving no personality to the surroundings.
Spike: Al Gore is 'the building.'
It was as pristine as the
lower levels, and for a messy home-lover like Misato, walking through such clean
and tidy offices was so…so…blah.
James: at this point
the author ran out of funny liquid metaphors, and inserted the word 'blah.'
"Hah! Then they
should send Kaji back to Germany where he can't get into trouble!" Misato
retorted and Ritsuko permitted herself a small smile.
James: But the Gestapo
didn't. She died.
"Kaji is it?"
Dave (as Misato): No,
idiot, my name is Misato.
"Ahh….it's always
Kaji, getting himself into trouble, making a nuisance out of himself! I wish he
would just leave!"
"Do you?"
Spike: Take this
computer, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer,
'til death do you part?
Misato's head shot up as
she recognized the noncommittal neutrality in the blonde's voice. Actually, the
walls did reflect one person's personality…Ritsuko's: bland, serviceable, and
James: They come with a
two year warranty!
professional to boot.
Right now, she didn't trust that façade at all. "What is that supposed
to mean?!"
Dave: It's Aztec for, "Burning hot monkey love!"
"Nothing.
Spike (as
Ritsuko): Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing about you and flyboy.
I am only worried about
your performance now you have a…distraction…in your life, Misato."
Ritsuko's face was as flat as a refrigerator door, as she turned to glance
briefly at the enraged woman beside her.
"WHAT?!"
James
(as Misato): I'M SORRY, I SEEM TO HAVE
SWALLOWED MY HEARING AID.
"Your sexual tension
has caused your efficiency and your control to go-"
Dave: Kaput!
"I do not have
sexual tension!"
Dave: Yeah, sexual tension never did that
to a car before!
"And Kaji's obvious
animal lust for you-"
Spike (as Ritsuko):
Reminds me of that time at the zoo when the lemurs got frisky.
"RIT-SU-KO!"
Spike: She must be mad, she's talking in all caps,
and in syllables!
Ritsuko took one look at
the pure murder in Misato's eyes and backed out gracefully, "As you wish
then. We are here now, Misato." She opened the door to Gendo's rather
austere but large office that was completely done in dark ebony and grays that
made the floor almost indistinguishable from the colors of the shadows.
Dave: Consequently,
Ritsuko walked straight out an open window.
The only thing that
mitigated the rather severe style of the room was the magnificent view of Tokyo
3 that the windows had to offer. The light from the dying sun cast a warm glow
across the buildings, drenching the city in yellows, oranges, and deep reds.
Spike (as Gendo): It's going to take days to repaint that!
In the far background,
mountains rose majestically above the city, greens mixing with the darker
shades of the coming night to form an intricate pattern of shadow and light.
Too bad the man that sat
behind the wide mahogany desk could not appreciate such aesthetic beauty.
The glare from his glasses
lent to the hostile, almost sinister shadows under his eyes and at the hollows
of his cheekbones. "Major Katsuguri, you're late." Misato sighed
mentally. This was not going to be fun.
Dave: Monopoly was never fun in the Ikari
household.
***
After snapping a smart
salute, Misato approached the desk, clipboard extended towards him.
"Commander Ikari."
James: No offense, sir, but take off the pants.
He merely looked at her
hand broodingly from behind threaded fingers until she was forced to set the
files on his desk with a clatter. For a moment, he just stared at the black
folder before asking, "What is this, Major Katsurugi?"
Dave: Sir, there's an umm… spider in your, umm…
hair, sir.
Spike: Gendo probably eats the damn things.
Staring straight ahead,
Misato said curtly, "They are reports concerning Asuka Sorhyu-Langley and
Shinji Ikari, sir. They have-"
James: lost the ability to eat.
"Synch test results
then, Major?"
Misato hesitated, then
continued determinedly, "No sir, they are reports on their social
interactions and the growth in their-"
Dave: Fingernails.
"Why should this
concern me?"
James: Because you wear the pants!
"The pilots are our
top priority, sir! In the last confrontation with the Angels, Unit 02 was
severely damaged and Asuka-"
Spike: Was tied into a knot. Which has been nasty to untangle.
"The pilots
are not my problem, Major." Gendo interrupted unemotionally, "You are
their chosen guardian and I do not need to be bothered with reports on their
well-fare …unless I am to assume you cannot handle such responsibility."
Spike (as Misato): Actually, I'm too obsessed with not being
obsessed with Kaji.
"I can handle the
responsibility, sir!" Misato snapped through clenched teeth.
"However, it is customary to give the Commander full disclosure on not
only the mechanical preparations, but the human factor as well when dealing
with such a crucial operation."
Dave: P.S.
Shinji likes cheese.
Gendo's glacial features
did not change by a twitch of the muscle at his subordinate's subtle rebellion.
Instead he glared at her coolly from behind his wide-rimmed spectacles, gloved
hands still locked together. "Major Katsurugi…when the rank of Major of
Special Operations was given to you, it was tacitly understood, that you would
not need to run to your superior officers every time you encountered a
problem."
"But-"
James: I wanna wear the pink one mommy!
"My top priority is
keeping the Evangelion Units operational, and keeping the Angels from
penetrating the GeoFront. The loss of the pilots…are acceptable." Dark
eyes rose to meet angry amethyst.
Dave: Damn, she hasn't taken them back yet!
"In event that we
lose a pilot, we can chose from more. We cannot replace another Evangelion Unit
on such a low budget as the United Nations has us on."
James (as Gendo): It's
hard to subsist on only one welfare check a month, especially when you build
huge robots!
"But these pilots are
human, sir!
James (as Gendo): Then
let's start experimenting with the chimps!
You cannot manipulate them
like animals without care for their wellbeing!" Misato leaned forward on
Gendo's desk to bring them to eye level.
Dave: and promptly fell
over.
"They are highly
skilled and trained and are not at all expendable. To train another
pilot to peak efficiency would take another three to seven months, depending on
how skilled he is to begin with!"
A sardonic smile slid
across Gendo's face, cold and tight.
Spike: You know, he probably should stop putting
his head in the freezer like that. It's
bad for your sardonic smile.
"That is why I have
you to keep them alive, don't I, Major? In the end, we are all pawns, moving
across a black and white chessboard to protect the king. We are all expendable
in the end, Major."
James (as Gendo):
except me, of course. I'm cool.
Misato's teeth clenched
stubbornly as she opened her mouth,
Dave: How does that work?
but Gendo had already
swiveled around to present her with the back of his black, leather chair.
"Dismissed Major."
"Sir-"
Spike (as Misato): I love you!
"Dismissed. And in
the future, do not trouble me with such trivial problems. I trust you will be
able to handle the situations as it arises." Misato glared hotly at his
hidden form before turning away.
Dave (as Misato): You
want handle? I'll handle you, bitch!
"I will leave the
reports with you, Commander…just in case you change your mind." Misato
said through clenched teeth. "Good evening, sir."
Dave: Guten nacht mein
fuehrer.
When the door to Gendo's
office was opened and just as quickly slammed shut, Ritsuko, who had been
standing outside, raised a brow. "That was rather quick."
James (as Misato): Nah, you should have seen the time I
proposed we give the pilots lives!
"Don't start,"
Misato snapped before storming away. She needed some time to think, and
something like a long walk alone away from civilization would do just fine.
Dave: It would help civilization out.
Unbeknownst to her, a pair
of light tan eyes followed her angry form to the lifts. A soft grin curled on
the man's shadowed face as he leaned against the wall, lighting a cigarette.
"Told her."
Dave (as Kaji): that
the shrimp would cause that reaction.
Tbc…
All: No thanks, man.
*yawn* r&r please…oi…sleep…are any of you miracle workers out there? Can
you put more hours in a day? I'd appreciate it….*trails off into incoherent
mumbling.*
They
all exit the theatre.
James: man, that was easy. That fic wasn't really
even bad at all. It didn't have too
much to do with Misato and Kaji's relationship, but all the same, I had a hard
time criticizing it.
Dave: Yeah, it had a plot. That's what was wrong.
Spike: Well, you have to admit, there were bad
parts.
James: Yeah, I guess there were. All fics have 'em.
Gendo's
picture comes up on the screen. He is
holding a random relic with which he intends to create more confusing Eva side
plots.
Gendo: Are you going to bow down yet?
All: No such luck, evil britches. We're alright. In fact, it wasn't that bad.
Gendo: Hmm…
The next fic, which I have already selected, will destroy you, I'm
sure.
Spike: That doesn't sound good…
