It was without a doubt the most unbelievably beautiful thing I'd ever seen and I've seen some truly awe-inspiring things especially since becoming a spy. But the tiny little creature laying in my arms with her head resting against my chest and a soft sigh falling from her lips was beyond anything I could ever have imagined.
I wasn't prepared for the way my chest tightened every time she made a noise. Or the way my breath hitched when she shifted and rubbed the back of her head against my arm. I truly wasn't in any way expecting the stinging in my eyes at seeing the tiny little bubble of drool tickling down the corner of the perfect bow shape of her lips.
A light dusting of dark hair covered her egg shaped head. Her tiny little eyes were blue as they blinked up at me as if taking me in and trying to figure out what I was. She had a dimple in her chin, curtsey of her father who was sprawled out in a chair a few steps away as if he had done all the heavy lifting that the night's activities had required. And a little pug noise, curtsey of her mother who was sleeping peaceful in the hospital bed beside the chair.
I glanced at my sister, reluctantly dragging my eyes away from the little wonder in my arms and I couldn't help but feel so much pride in her it nearly made my chest burst.
" Can I hold her ?" I heard a voice ask from over my shoulder. And I immediately tensed. It was the one thing I'd been tasked with as the little bundle's parents caught a few moments of sleep and there was no way I was going to let them down.
" No, Morgan. I was told not to let you anywhere near the baby unless you washed your hands and were sitting down." I answered turning to eye him.
" I'm not a child." He protested.
" Take it up with Ellie and Awesome. I'm just following orders." I shrugged the best I could around my burden.
" How about me ?" Sarah asked quietly from the doorway.
I watched her as she walked towards me and paused to look down at the baby. " She's perfect." She sighed.
" They aren't really as concerned about you dropping her on her head, so.." I shifted and handed the baby over to the waiting arms of my fiancee. " Here you go."
I swear there was a spotlight shining down on them as she adjusted the baby in her arms and smiled down at her with the same kind of wonder I was sure was written all over my face as well. A choir of angels exclaimed somewhere in the heavens and time stopped completely to give me a few moments to just take in what had suddenly become two of the three most important women in my life.
How does that happen ? One minute it's just Ellie, albeit a lot more of Ellie, but still just Ellie. Everything else was an idea, an imagining. Nothing concrete or real, then the next, well actually twelve excruciatingly long hours later, but none the less, in a short amount of time there were two people instead of just the one. A tiny version of one of the most precious things in the world to me suddenly burst into life out of nowhere. It was unbelievable and I was only an uncle, I couldn't even fathom what my sister and her husband were dealing with.
But it occurred to me in screaming intensity that I very much wanted to. I had never thought about it much before. Me ? A father ?
The thought was preposterous.
But seeing Sarah standing there with the baby in her arms and that look on her face, I couldn't think of anything I wanted more. We had never talked about this particular issue. Our lifestyle wasn't exactly indicative to child rearing, after all. We were spies. Spies that ended up in life or death situations on a nearly daily basis. Spies that needed to be mobile at the drop of a hat. Spies who loved what we do and everything that comes with it. I was pretty sure neither of us wanted to give any of that up. We had been down that road once, or twice before and while we were both ready to turn our backs on it all in order to be together, we were very grateful that we hadn't had to actually make that choice.
But when it came to a family, children, it would have to be one or the other. We couldn't have it all like we did now and I knew that.
Sarah glanced up at me, reluctantly tearing her eyes away from Mini-El, as I had deemed her until a better choice was made. There was something in her look that caused my mind to snap back to reality and give her my attention.
" What is it ?" I asked when I couldn't figure out what she was thinking on my own. I had actually become rather adept at doing just that, but whatever she was mulling over at the moment, it wasn't anything I was familiar with.
" I love you." She told me, taking a step that closed the distance between us and leaning up to kiss me softly. The baby wiggled between us and a placed my hand gently on her arm to sooth her.
" Really ? Do you have to do that now ?" Morgan whined. " I want to hold the baby."
I couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. We don't need to have children of our own right now, I joked silently to myself. We have Morgan.
" I already told you, I'm not in charge here. If it were up to me, I would let you, but Devon and Ellie were both very clear about my instructions." I answered him.
He pouted at me petulantly and crossed his arms over his chest.
" If she were mine, I'd let you hold her." I assured him.
I had just glanced back at Sarah and that weird look was back on her face. The one I couldn't get a good read on. I wondered what she could possibly be thinking.
Just as I was about to suggest we put the baby back into its bassinet and let her parents rest in peace, Mini-El wrinkled her face up and started making quiet little noises. Sarah was looking at her in alarm as if she had no idea what to do with her and I didn't have a clue either. We tried the pacifier but she simply spat that back at us like it was the most vile thing she had ever tasted. Then the little noises became really loud ones and Ellie stirred and opened her eyes.
" She's hungry." Ellie's tired voice announced as she shifted and sat up, holding out her arms for her child.
I took the baby from Sarah and handed her off to her mother.
" I think we're going to get out of her and give you some time alone." I told her with a gentle smile.
Ellie nodded as she began whispering soothing things to the still crying baby. " Alright. I need to feed her and I would rather not do that in front of an audience." She smiled and cast her eyes towards Morgan.
" Yeah, he's getting cranky." She smiled her own easy smile. " I think he's getting hungry, too."
She stepped over to Ellie and leaned down giving her a one armed hug and stroking the baby's cheek one last time. " She's perfect, Ellie."
" Yes, she is." I told my sister as I came to her other side and dropped a kiss to the top of first my new niece's head, then her mother's.
" Thank you both for coming and for staying. I know you've been here all night." She told us.
" Try to get some sleep." Sarah responded as she started towards the door. On her way she grabbed hold of Morgan's hand and tugged him along behind her.
I found them at the elevator after kissing both of my girls again. Sarah was waiting patiently for me, Morgan was repeatedly pushing the down button.
" Where are we stopping for food ?" I asked as I came up to them and put my arm around Sarah.
" I want Chinese." Morgan announced finally getting bored with the button.
The doors swished opened and we stepped inside.
Sarah and I looked at each other and smiled. " Sizzling Shrimp." We both said at the same time as the doors closed.
It wasn't until the shrimp was gone and the dishes washed and put away that Sarah and I finally managed to sneak off to our room for some alone time. I was grateful as I shut the door behind me and clicked the lock into place. I loved Morgan. He was like a brother to me, but after a very long and exhausting night, I just wanted to spend a little time with my girlfriend – fiancee alone.
Sarah was going about her normal nighttime routine, removing makeup, brushing her hair, changing her clothes. I shrugged off my shirt and let it land somewhere towards the hamper before sauntering over to the bed and sitting down to watch her.
It was my nighttime routine and I very much wanted to spend the rest of my life enjoying it. I loved watching her like this. I was always completely engrossed in the way the brush slid through her hair. I was captivated as she smoothed lotion over her legs and arms. I was mesmerized as she slipped her shirt off and gave it a toss where it landed right on top of mine. Then her hands moved behind her and she slid the zipper of her skirt down slowly. She wasn't paying me the slightest bit of attention so I knew the movement wasn't made for my benefit. She was just Sarah being Sarah, completely uninhibited and unabashed. And I was totally absorbed in every single move that she made.
" Steven called earlier." She told me, finally coming to her side of the bed and sliding under the blankets.
I stood long enough to shuck out of my shoes and pants, a touch disappointed that my show for the evening was over, but very glad to be sliding into bed next to her instead.
I did just that and brought my arms around her as I pulled her into my chest.
" What did he say ?" I asked, trying to remember what we were talking about as her body settled against mine and my temperature started to rise because of her proximity.
" He got the message about the baby and he was calling to make sure everything was okay. I told him it was. And Morgan needs you to help him with some kind of game thing. He told me to remind him, but I forgot. He's stuck on something." She continued to talk about things that I suddenly had no interest in and I let her know that as I pulled her in tighter and let my fingers run through her hair.
" I'll help him tomorrow." I murmured as I dropped my mouth to her neck and started laying kisses to the side of her throat.
" I've been thinking..." She began and punctuated the sentence with a sigh as I stopped just kissing her skin and started to nibble at it instead.
" Uh-ha," I mumbled against her in encouragement.
She pulled out of my arms and gave me a look that said whatever she was about to say was important. I blinked at her and cleared my throat, letting her know she had my attention.
" Have you ever thought about children ?" She asked seemingly out of the blue.
" You mean us having children ?" I asked, shocked that she had somehow read my earlier thoughts.
" No, I mean the starving ones in Africa. Of course I mean us having children." She answered sarcastically.
It wasn't typical of her. I was the sarcastic one in the relationship. Maybe I was rubbing off on her.
" I was actually just thinking about that earlier." I told her earnestly.
" Care to share your thoughts ?" She asked, raising up and resting on her elbow.
I couldn't help but smile. " I'm not sure we're ready. I mean we're still trying to raise Morgan and he can be such a handful. I don't know if we can manage two."
She punched me in the arm. " Will you be serious ?" She rolled her eyes. " Do you want to have children ?"
I leaned in and kissed her. " Yes, I really, really do. I just realized this afternoon that I want nothing more than to have children with you."
I hadn't even recognized the tension in her shoulders until it suddenly wasn't there anymore. It was as if something had been building in her and she finally let it go with a slump of her shoulders and an audible sigh on her lips.
" What's wrong ?" I asked, suddenly concerned by her demeanor.
" Nothing." She shook her head. " I just wasn't sure. We've never talked about it before and it suddenly occurred to me that it was a discussion we should probably have."
" I guess so since we're getting married in a month." I nodded in response.
" Well, yeah that and I'm pregnant."
I wasn't sure I heard her right at first. The last of her sentence was spoken so hesitantly and quietly that I almost missed it.
" What ?" I asked, trying to get her to repeat herself so I was sure I understood what she was telling me.
" Yeah. I just found out for sure yesterday. Then Ellie went into labor and we were at the hospital all night." She was babbling and I didn't hear one word of what she was saying. My mind was stuck on repeat as it played the one sentence that mattered over and over in my head.
"Wait," I held up my hand to stop her chatter. " What ?"
I needed to hear it again. I needed to be sure that I wasn't just imagining it.
She smiled at me a touch shyly. " I'm pregnant." This time it was clear and concise. There was no way I could have missed it and it echoed into the silence that suddenly fell between us as if the words themselves were physically there.
" You're pregnant." I heard myself say, letting my lips wrap around the sentence like they were trying it on to see if it fit.
When my brain finally caught up with everything and processed the information, I lunged at her and grabbed her to me. It felt as if everything inside me was suddenly filled with so much warmth and happiness I could barely contain it.
She was wiggling against my chest, pushing at it with increasing force and I had no idea why at first. Then I realized I was suffocating her and I let her go, but only far enough to enable her to draw in air. I wasn't capable of more than that.
" So you're thinking this is a good thing ?" She ventured though it was muffled by my chest.
" Oh, my God," I breathed unable to formulate an answer that came anywhere close to what I was actually feeling. " This is..." I stumbled there, there just weren't words to define it.
" Chuck, you know this means I have to take a leave at the very least ?" She said, suddenly very serious.
" We'll talk to Beckman. Casey can take over for you as my partner for now." I shrugged. " We'll work it all out. I can't think about all that right now." I pulled her in again because it was impossible for me to do anything else. " I thought there was no way my life could be anymore perfect."
" Yeah, well, that's me. Always full of surprises." She laughed against my chest. " Are you planning on letting me go any time soon ?"
I shook my head. " I'm never planning letting you go. In fact," I bent my head down far enough to find her lips. " I'm trying to formulate a plan that can make it possible for us to never leave this bed."
" I love you." She whispered against my lips.
" You are happy about this, too, right ?" I asked her, suddenly concern. This meant she would have to give up everything that meant anything to her, at least temporally. Being a spy was all Sarah knew. It was who she was. I wasn't sure how she would feel about having to put it all on hold.
She hesitated and I feared for a moment that my suspicions were justified, but then a brilliant smile took over her face and she was blinking rapidly at something that looked suspiciously like tears. " I never imagined that this could be my life." She said finally. " Marriage and babies, none of that seemed possible for me. I always dreamed about what it would be like to be a regular person, to live a normal life where things like little league and report cards became important things for me." She wiggled one of her arms out of my embrace and used it to swipe at her eyes. " You made all this possible for me. You made me believe that it could be real. You have no idea what that means to me. You've made all my dreams come true."
I blinked down at her in surprise. Sarah was never much for expressing her feelings. It had taken her forever to tell me that she loved me too. Those three little words had meant more to me than I ever could have imagined. But now suddenly she was giving me so much more and I wasn't sure how to react. I still could not believe that Sarah Walker felt like the lucky one in this relationship.
I couldn't think of anything words worthy of replying to that so I kissed her instead, putting everything I was feeling into that kiss.
By the time we parted for air, my head was swimming and my chest was pounding so hard I thought I might be having a heart attack. Then her lips found my neck and I knew I was.
I realized my hands were a bit a sweaty as I moved them to her shoulders. Her skin was so incredibly soft and smooth under my fingers. I groaned as she shifted and leaned up to get to my earlobe.
My fingers tangled in her hair as I pulled her even closer into me, smashing her breasts to my chest. I loved that feeling more than anything in the world. Having her body flush against mine, skin against skin, it was heaven and something I would never get used to. I didn't want to. I never wanted to get used to feeling her in my arms, never wanted to take that feeling for granted.
" I love you." She whispered against my Adam's apple making it bob as I swallowed spontaneously.
" I love you, more." I answered, gathering her up and depositing her flat on her back. Then I covered her body with mine, my hips aligned with hers and I pressed into her. She gasped as I found her breast with my mouth and her hands went to my hair, holding me there. I rolled her nipple around my tongue and she bucked her hips hard against mine and let out another strangled groan. My name feel from her lips almost like a whispered prayer and it sent my senses into overdrive, just hearing her say my name like that made my entire body throb.
Before she could register what was happening, I shifted and immediately slid into her, gritting my teeth as I sank all the way inside.
She gasped breathlessly at the sudden sensation and grabbed my shoulders, clutching at them with a desperate grip that was almost painful.
It took her a moment to regain some of her composure and I waited, remaining perfectly still while her body and mind adjusted to the sudden intrusion. Once she did, she began to wiggle her hips into mine, gliding me just another few centimeters inside her and I took that as my cue.
We moved together perfectly. It was a dance we'd enjoyed so many times and despite that, it still felt like something new and breathtaking. Every time we were together like this felt like the first time for me.
It wasn't long before we were slamming our sweat soaked bodies into each other with abandon and crying out, albeit in hushed tones, in pure pleasure at every movement.
When she fell over the edge of the pool of oblivion, she took me with her just like she always did.
It seemed to take forever for our bodies to finally quiet and still, but when they did, she looked up at with a whimsical smile. " How are we going to tell Morgan ? You know he won't take this well."
" Morgan will be fine." I smiled down at her. She was laying with her head on the crock of my arm and her body half laying over mine. We fit perfectly like this, as if our bodies were just made to mold together this way. I realized that I had never fit like this with anyone else. " He's going to be an uncle, how could he not like that ?"
" This is going to change everything." She murmured and I thought I might have caught a hint of sadness in her tone, not sadness over the baby, but for having to give up something that, to her, was the only thing she'd ever known. Sarah hadn't had many constants in her life. Being a spy was one of the few things she knew she'd always have. I could understand that. My life hadn't been filled with constants either. But I had more than she did. I had Ellie and I had Morgan.
" It doesn't have to." I assured her. " We'll figure this out. I promise." It was probably an empty promise. I didn't see how we could raise a family and be spies at the same time. She was right. It would change everything.
She shifted, sitting up beside me. Then she shifted again and turned to look at me. " I have no idea how to do this." She told me finally.
I sat up quickly, startled at her sudden change of mood. Sarah wasn't normal moody. Usually she was steady and constant. But having just witnessed the same thing happening to my sister, I saw the signs of raging hormones at work.
I slid my arms around her and pulled her into me, cradling her against my chest and holding her tightly. It was a rare thing that I got to comfort her. Sarah didn't deal with her emotions very well.
" I'm not exactly an expert here. But we'll figure it out together." I assured her as I soothed her hair.
She nodded against my chest. " I'm really not upset about the baby. I couldn't be happier about it, I swear." She tried to explain, but I stopped her.
" I understand."
She chuckled. " Of course you do. You are the most understanding man I've ever met." Her eyes looked up at me and I tried not to notice that they were a little watery. " It's a little annoying sometimes."
" I'm annoying because I'm nice ?" I chuckled back.
" No," She leaned up and kissed me. " You're perfect because you're so nice."
I sighed and pulled her in tighter. " This is going to be the best thing that ever happened to us."
" You're the best thing that ever happened to me." She replied looking up at me and batting her eyes. But then she yawned, ruining the seductive effect I think she was going for.
I moved her around and shifted her until she was laying on the bed then I slid in beside her.
" I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet." She whined a little protest at me.
I kissed the top of her head and as I settled in behind her and wrapped my arm around her waist. "Yes, you are. You just haven't realized it yet."
She laughed. " Wow, see you really are going to be great at this."
I gave her a tired chuckled in reply. " Of course I will. I've been raising Morgan for twenty years."