Nemesis

by channeld

written for: Talk Like a Pirate Day, 2010
rating: K plus
genre: adventure/humor/crack!fic
characters: The usual merry band!
pairings: maybe McAbby, if you squint; maybe more
spoiler warning: season 7 spoilers

author's note: This is a follow-on to my TLAP Day stories Avast! and Day of the Scurvy Dog.

disclaimer: I still own nothing of NCIS.

September 19, 2010

Clouds were rolling in at dawn that morning, and the rising sun looked like a red ball. Cap'n Gibbs and his merry crew climbed on board the U.S.S. Barry and prepared to set sail. It would be the first time that the hearty pirates had commandeered the 1950s warship for their noble day, but as First Mate Mr. DiNozzo put it, "Hit be in th' pirate code t' steal things."

"Hit be in th' neat pirate code t' put things back as ye found thim, at th' end o' th' day," Pirate Wench Abby had chimed in, before snuggling into Dread Pirate Tim's lap in a wenchlike manner.

Dread New US Citizen Pirate Ziva frowned, a little annoyed by the attention DP Tim was paying to PW Abby. It was the same every year…unless she could do something to change that. She had even been practicing her pirate speech this year, in hopes of impressing him. She would be watching for her chance.

Quickly the captain and the crew of six were on board. "Red sky at morning, Cap'n," Assistant Sawbones Jimmy remarked. "Ye do know what thet means?"

"I do, Palmer. 'Red sky at morning, sailor, take a drink.'" He reached for his bottle of grog.

"Uh, sir, I don't think…"

"I know ye don't think. Go bother Sawbones Ducky an' leave me alone."

"Aye, aye, sir," AS Jimmy said, with slight misery. He wasn't always invited to go a-piratin' with the others on the special day, and he didn't want to be treated like a bilge rat. Or even lower than that, were it possible!

That made two people discontented with their positions! A sure sign of trouble!

"Cast off!" called Cap'n Gibbs. "Shiver me timbers! What in th' name o' Vance's toothpick is thet?"

DP Tim rushed forward. " 'Tis, uh, 'tis me prop this year, Cap'n. 'Tis a monkey."

"I kin see thet, McGee," Cap'n Gibbs growled, holding at arms' length the small brown creature that had tried to use him as a climbing post. "What be hit doin' on me ship?"

"Well, uh, technically, Cap'n, hit's not yer—" He stopped at the glare and, retrieving his small companion, vanished faster than a speeding cannon ball.

As was the case with each year, each person had a different pirate prop, which were swapped around (to some extent) from year to year. The live monkey was new this year. FM Tony had the faux parrot on his shoulder; DNUSCP Ziva, the peg leg; AS Jimmy, the eye patch; S Ducky, the tri-corner skull and crossbones cap; PW Abby, the cutlass; and Cap'n Gibbs. the bandana (which was, of course, gray) and earring.

"What be our headin', Cap'n?" asked FM Tony.

"Set sail fer adventure, Mister DiNozzo!" The captain roared with glee.

"Aye, aye! Uh…thet be a left at th' Potomac, an' then straight on t' th' Atlantic?" He followed the path on his GPS.

"Yeah, yeah; just make hit happen. We got us a meetin', by cracky."

"A meetin', Cap'n?"

"Ye'll see. Ye'll see! Arrrr!"

"Arrgh," instead of arrrr! said Director Vance, reaching NCIS shortly thereafter.

Something was amiss. Then he realized what it was. The Barry was gone! Parking his car in the spot in front of the building next to the sign that read Reserved for NCIS Directors and Other Toothpick-Chewers, he ran across the park to the Barry's dock and saw there only a small, toy boat. It floated in the water, attached to the dock with a length of string.

Vance hauled it in. There was a note taped to it.

We be jolly pirates what have liberated this poor scow.
Mayhaps we be returnin' hit.
Wit' a tank full o' gas, if'n we be feelin' jolly.
Arrrrr!

With a sigh, Vance sat down on the dock; the rising sun in his eyes. But I brought a prop. I wanted to go a-pirating, too!

Gently (for that was the noble pirate way) he let go of the leash and collar that had held fast the large white-and-grey bird that he carried. "Go, Jardine! Go find them! And help them, if you can. Uh…Arrrrr!"

With a shriek, the albatross launched itself into the air and followed the trail taken down the river.

After a stop for coffee and jelly-filled donuts, the crew of the Barry was out on the open water. "Adventure!" cried Cap'n Gibbs, and his jolly mates echoed the cry. Soon, however, FM Tony noticed that the captain was looking pensive.

"A doubloon fer yer thoughts, Cap'n?"

Cap'n Gibbs heaved a mighty, captain-sized sigh. "Me nemesis be out thar, Mister DiNozzo. 'Tis me fortune thet we be met this day."

"Arrr. Me be sure thet we kin ward off any nemesises…nemisii…opponents, sir."

"Not these, Mister DiNozzo. Not these."

"Ye have a peculiar strange habit o' repeatin' yerself on this day, Cap'n."

"Thet I do, me lad. Thet I do. What is this now?" A large bird soared down and, before Gibbs could move for cover, lighted on his shoulder. It looped its leash firmly so that it dangled from his neck. "An albatross! Kin this day get any worse?"

PW Abby appeared then on deck and her eyes went wide. "Cap'n! What be ye doin' to thet poor sweet birdie?"

"What? Me? I be doin' nothin'. It flew down and wrapped itself—"

"Wif' its own leash an' collar. Suuuuuure. Ye be horrible."

"I? Yer own man be here wi' a monkey!"

"Aye; I don't ken thet, either. But ye should be settin' a good example." She reached over and unlooped the albatross from the captain's neck and unclipped the leash…only to see the bird reclip the leash and reloop himself, emitting a sound like a purr. "Okay, I be givin' up," Abby said. "Yer albatross. Yer fate. Keep 'er alive; thet's all I kin suggest."

Cap'n Gibbs looked out on the grey Atlantic. An albatross. And nemes…enemies still to come.

DP Ziva had witnessed the exchange. Aha! she thought, and wondered if that was a pirate word. Mentally she checked her pirate lexicon. Aye, aye aye, avast, arrrr… no, no aha! in there. No matter. PW Abby was uncomfortably about DP McGee's simian! She could exploit that, and win him over. Mayhaps…yes, that was a pirate word. Mayhaps.

She found DP Tim belowdecks, laying down, looking a little queasy. His monkey ran back and forth bringing him cold cloths for his forehead. "Dread Pirate McGee! Did ye not take your—yer seasickness medication?"

"I cannot," he moaned. " 'Tis not authentic."

"Were ye a real pirate, ye would not last upon the sea."

"Tell me somethin' I do not know."

"I, ah…I would have thought thet Pirate Wench Abby would be down here, tendin' to ye wi' lovin' care."

He moaned again. "She be mad at me. An animal lover, she be. She does not like thet I brought a monkey along."

"Oh? Well, I think your—yer monkey be charmin'. It were right smart o' ye to do so." She took a breath. "Me beauty."

"Oh?" DP Tim raised his head and looked at her with new interest.

"Oh, aye! I be not knowin' why th' Cap'n even has her come along wi' us. She be not a pirate. She be only a pirate wench. If'n trouble comes, she be only in th' way. Shiver me timbers!" she added, hoping it was appropriate here.

" 'Tis true. She be not a fighter. She—" He broke off as a commotion was heard. Both jumped up, and ran for the main deck, the monkey close behind.

"Thar she blows!" cried the captain. "Me nemesis: Moby Mallison!"

The crew gasped in horror as a great white whale with long dark hair surfaced and stared the captain down. "Fear me if you will, Mister Gibbs!" bellowed the whale. "But there is one more dangerous than me. Beware…Beware…!" She sank beneath the waves.

"Who kin be more dangerous than a whale-slash-lawyer, unless it be a shark-slash-lawyer?" S Ducky mused. "Why, hit reminds me o' th' time thet I be sailin' wi th' renowned lady pirate Grace O'Malley. We'd met when—"

"Later, Sawbones. We got fresh trouble." Indeed, a new whale had just surfaced. As if on cue, once again the crew gasped.

This whale was even more malevolent than the last. It, too, was female, with long brown wavy hair, and a dangerous look in its eye. "Moby Paloma!" Cap'n Gibbs hollered. "Ye kin not defeat me. If ye get through me, me crew will still take you down!"

She laughed. "You are all going down, then. Down to Davy Jones' locker!"

"Noooooo!" cried AS Jimmy and PW Abby at the same time, rushing forward. Their crewmates yelled for them to come back. The monkey chattered and jumped in excitement, and the albatross shrieked and flapped its wings in Cap'n Gibbs' face before unlooping itself from his neck.

"I be havin' had it wi' you, takin' over so much o' our lives this past spring!" PW Abby yelled as she leaped onto the whale's back and began stabbing it with the cutlass she carried. "How dare ye be besmirchin' the reputation o' our beloved cap'n! 'Tis a lie, a frame-up! A dirty, rotten, landlubberly trick!"

AS Jimmy had leaped on right after her. Somewhere he had picked up a sword. "These be me friends ye be menacing! No more! No more! It be ye who be goin' down!" He hacked at her with the sword.

Moby Paloma writhed and tried to shake them off. She might have succeeded, even though the albatross was pecking at her eyes, if a third nemesis hadn't arrived.

He surfaced, his great gray beard glistening with barnacles. Moby Fornell!

"All right, lady. And I say that advisedly, because you're no lady," said Moby Fornell. "I've stayed outta this until now, but I've had enough. Shall I let these two cut you up for blubber, or will you just go away and swear not to return?"

"Blubber?" asked DP Ziva. "Thet means she be goin' t' cry, yes? I mean, aye?"

Moby Paloma considered. Then with a flip of her tale, she flung AS Jimmy, PW Abby and the albatross onto Moby Fornell's back, and dived out of sight, to the cheers of the captain and his crew.

"I thankee, Moby Fornell," said Cap'n Gibbs with a slight bow.

"Eh. Just buy me a coffee, next time we meet, Gibbs." Moby Fornell swam close to the Barry, allowing those on his back to reboard the ship.

It was late when the Barry steamed back up the Anacostia to the dock at the Navy Yard. They'd stopped only once on the way back, for gas, an oil change, and some hamburgers.

Vance met them on the dock, and didn't seem surprised when the albatross flew back to his shoulder. "How'd it go?" he asked.

" 'Twas a good day, Director," said the captain. "We bested Moby Paloma, an' got us two battlefield promotions. Meet our two newest pirates: Dread Pirate Abby an' Dread Pirate Palmer." The other crew members cheered. DP Abby and DP Jimmy looked pleased.

Vance smiled. "Congratulations! You can tell me all about it tomorrow. But next year…"

"Aye?"

"Take me with you!"

-END-