Mystery Evangelion Theatre
In the
not too distant future,
2018 AD,
There was
a guy named James,
not too
different from you or me.
He worked
at the Marduc institute
Just
another guy in dark trenchcoat,
He did a
good job kicking angel face,
But Gendo
didn't trust him so he shot him into space!
GENDO:
I'll send
him cheesy fanfics,
Woo Woo
The worst
I can find!
Lalala
He'll
have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll
monitor his mind!
Now keep
in mind James can't control,
Woo Woo
Where the
fanfics begin or end!
Lalala
He'll try
to retain his sanity,
With the
help of his random friends!
RANDOM
ROLL CALL
Shinji
Ikari!
(Huh?)
Rei
Ayanami!
(Blue
hair is in!)
Dave
Scott!
(I am
David, hear me roar!)
Spike
Spiegel (I'm different!)
If you're
wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other
science facts,
Just
repeat to yourself,
This is
just a show,
I should
really just relax!
For
Mystery Evangelion Theatre 3000
Wannnnng!
The group are sitting around making wicker baskets. James and Dave a making a huge basket. It appears that they have been here a while.
James: Welcome
back to the third episode. I think
Gendo's mad at us, so I expect him to send us a real stinkburger.
Dave: Don't jinx us, damnit.
Shinji calls the group over the intercom.
Shinji: Guys, My
father's calling, and he ain't happy.
Gendo: Hello,
puppets! Well, seeing as I'm feeling
especially nasty, I'm sending you a homemade Sci-Fi Fic, one bad enough to make
you want to, let me say, bow down before whoever sent it to you. HINT! HINT!
Prepare to fry, pinheads!
James: Yeah? Bring it on, Mr. tough, 'I think I'll sit
underground all day and send bad fics to these guys I put in orbit,' guy!
All: Don't provoke
him!!!
Gendo: Okay,
that's it! Fuyutski, press the button.
Fuyutski: Yes,
sir.
The
klaxons blare, and the group start flailing around.
James: We've got
fanfic sign!
They rush to the theatre, and sit down. The fic begins.
The Bugs
By Samuel Huoh/Stealthblade
"This is really stupid!" 18 year old Matt Cregin growled to his
Captain.
Dave: Matt was a German Sheppard, great coat of
fur.
"Look! This isn't the year 1777 ok, where you can complain about orders.
This is the year 2045
James:
Of course, had it been 1778, and this been 2046, things would be
different.
and we
gotta do what we're ordered to do," replied his Captain. "But I know
how you feel, this sewer stinks like heck
Spike:
How does he know what heck smells like?
and
besides I heard that these old guns that they gave us couldn't kill one of
those mutated spiders if they stood still for five minutes!"
Dave: He's been timing them
"Something's coming!" Another soldier named Kyle shouted out.
"Ok men this is it. Remember, work together and aim for the mouth! Let'm
taste lead instead of human flesh for a change.
As the human sized bugs turned the corner, Matt suddenly thought about how all
of this began.
Dave:
But the flashback took long enough for the bugs to get to him. He died.
It all started on June 15,
James:
And not a day sooner.
or so they
say when a female spider
Dave:
Oh my God! It's Martha Stewart!
laid her
eggs near a top-secret government factory. They say that the radiation from the
factory came in contact with the eggs and the baby spiders were mutated.
Spike:
He makes it sound so simple.
At that
time, Matt had just turned 18 and for a present, his dad and mom had let him
enlist in an undercover secret group.
James: How do the parents know about the secret
group?
The week
right after his birthday party, the accidents started happening.
Accidents,
meaning the feeding of the mutated spiders.
Spike: As opposed
to the fact that several sheep appeared on last year's presidential ballot.
At first
it was just people disappearing. Then the spiders became messy,
Dave:
And Martha made them clean their room.
and after
they killed their victim and had eaten their share, they just left the victim
in alleys or sometimes just on the streets.
Matt's group started training and was then sent down to exterminate the
spiders.
James: Notice that they neglected to try using
Raid! And bug bombs.
Now Matt watched as their guns blazed at the oncoming rush of bugs.
Spike: Spider's are not bugs!
James: It's alright, the author is ignorant.
Matt
concentrated on one bug and watched as his bullets cut through the flesh,
spaying green blood everywhere. Despite their wounds, the spiders kept coming
on. Nothing seemed to stop them.
Dave:
Until Matt showed them his centerfold of Marlon Brando.
"Men all together aim for one of those bugs. See if that makes a
change," the Captain shouted as he blazed away with his own gun.
James: the captain
had the grammar skills of a below average cardboard box.
"Man!
These M-16's stink. They're ancient history. Maybe a few of those new M-26's
could help right about now."
Spike: Now they're inventing guns to sound cool.
"Come on men start retreating but keep firing!" "Watch out for
those dead spiders. Leave the dead or wounded behind. There's nothing we can do
for them if we want to survive ourselves,"
Dave: These are Sci-Fi GIs, they never survive.
commanded
the Captain after minutes of firing uselessly at the spiders.
"Finally! We're getting out of here," Matt proclaimed. We've lost
about five men but have only killed about two spiders.
James: How do you kill 'about two spiders.'
Spike: Well, he couldn't say, "we've killed 1.5
spiders."
"Keep moving men," shouted the Captain. "Forget firing.
Run!"
Dave (as Captain): Let's see if we can make ourselves
any more vulnerable. and why don't you
just take off your body armor, and totally disarm yourselves.
"Yes! We made it to the opening. Matt exclaimed, taking a deep breath
after minutes of running.
"I think we've lost those bugs but I still want a line set up. Matt,
David, Kyle build a wall here.
Spike (as GIs): Build a wall? With what?
This is a sewer!
Give us cover. Although I don't think we need any. I'm
pretty sure we lost those bugs.
Dave (as Captain): Let me make it more obvious that I
think we've lost the bugs. Hold on,
I've written a song.
Well don't just stand there. Get going, and everyone
else, get up that ladder.
"Captain I think they're coming again." Kyle shouted out.
James: But I'm not sure. Hold on, lemme check again.
"Ok fire at will and climb up when you can," replied the Captain.
"Come on you mutated freaks." Matt whispered to himself as the
spiders approached.
Dave: Smart
one! Anger them. This guy is a grade A moron. They need him down in NERV.
"Fire!" A voice inside Matt's head said.
"Well why not" Matt whispered to himself as he opened fire.
Spike: Great inner monologue.
James: What a moron.
Through the bullets, the spiders kept coming until finally they jumped.
The last thing Matt remembered was screaming to his Captain for help.
Spike:
Question: How does Matt remember
if he's dead?
Then they were on him.
Dave: At least
in this one the moron dies.
They
crash out onto the bridge. Gendo is
staring at them off the screen.
Gendo: Well,
are you broken yet?
All: Nope.
James: Gendo,
it'll take more than that. You haven't
shown us a true stinkburger yet. Come
back when you have a real fic.
James
turns off the screen,
James: I guess
I showed him.
The
power turns off to the SOI.
James: Or not…
