Mystery Evangelion Theatre
In the
not too distant future,
2018 AD,
There was
a guy named James,
not too
different from you or me.
He worked
at the Marduc institute
Just
another guy in dark trenchcoat,
He did a
good job kicking angel face,
But Gendo
didn't trust him so he shot him into space!
GENDO:
I'll send
him cheesy fanfics,
Woo Woo
The worst
I can find!
Lalala
He'll
have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll
monitor his mind!
Now keep
in mind James can't control,
Woo Woo
Where the
fanfics begin or end!
Lalala
He'll try
to retain his sanity,
With the
help of his random friends!
RANDOM
ROLL CALL
Shinji
Ikari!
(Huh?)
Rei
Ayanami!
(Blue
hair is in!)
Dave
Scott!
(I am
David, hear me roar!)
Spike
Spiegel (I'm different!)
If you're
wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other
science facts,
Just
repeat to yourself,
This is
just a show,
I should
really just relax!
For
Mystery Evangelion Theatre 3000
Wannnnng!
On the
SOI the crew is playing bad NES roms on the ship's computer. James and Spike are playing now, and the
rest of the crew is cheering for them.
Except Shinji, who is making a Pork Roast in the galley. Gendo's light flashes, and they pause the
game to answer his call.
All: Hello
Commander Ikari!
Gendo: Don't waste
my time, nitwits. Here's a bad
fic. I need to have some coffee.
James: Yeah, go
take your Midol!
Gendo: That's
it. Next time I'll send the worst fic I
can find! You deserve it Kelley!
All: James! Why do you provoke him like that!
Before
James can answer, the klaxons start to blare.
They all rush to the theatre, and seat themselves. Now, roll:
The night of Scream.
James: Oh no,
perhaps this will be bad. Anime
knockoff of a bad horror movie!
By John82
Dave: Fans killed
the other 81 clones of him. It was a
noble cause.
"I'm home!" Shinji
called out as he opens the door to the apartment.
James (as
Misato): Oh no, he got in. Asuka, I thought I told you to bolt the
door!
He went over to the TV and turns it on.
Spike:
Shouldn't that be 'turned.'
Misato came out of her room and asked, "Where did you go?"
Dave (as
Shinji): Hell, but I got kicked out for being destructive.
"I picked up a classic film on DVD. It's called Scream. It's a horror film."
Spike: Don't
worry, it can't be worse than Manos, The Hands of Fate!
"Oh! I really love
horror movies. Do you mind if I watches
it with you?"
Dave (as
Misato): Yes, go away!
Nodding, Shinji said, "I don't mind." He went over to Asuka's room and knocked on
the door.
James (as
Shinji): Hey Asuka? I got you that
thirty pounds of government cheese you wanted!
"Asuka?"
Spike (in a
deep male voice): Uhh… Yeah?
"Stay out baka!"
Came the answer.
Dave: Can I come in if I do it intelligently?
"Asuka, Misato and I are watching Scream. Do you want to watch it too? Or are you just going to sulk there all
night just because you can't go on a school
trip?"
Spike: It'd probably be more fun that watching
Scream. Granted, Hving my ears removed
with
The door opened, revealing Asuka, with a sour look on her
face, "You baka, do you really think I
am going to watch a stupid movie with you?
Ha! I don't
think so."
All: We do!
And as she went back into her room, Shinji says, "So you
are telling me that you are that scared of a horror movie. Touji will have a field day with this.
James (as Asuka): Field day! Wahhhhh! I don't want to
hear about anymore field trips. I
wanted to go to the beach!
Just
image…
Spike: This author
has some major problems grammarwise.
the demon is scared of a horror movie! She always screams every time things go bump
in the night. She's also afraid of the
monsters under her
bed!"
James: Anyone would be with Kaji and Shinji around.
And Shinji went on, mocking Asuka. Finally she can't take it anymore and she
hits Shinji on the head, "BAKA! I, the great Asuka, am not scared of
anything! And
since when you grew a spine?"
Spike: I am grew
spine now rightness!
Shinji only grinned at her. "Asuka is scared of her own shadow!" He sang.
Dave: I never knew Shinji sang! That must be what's been scaring Asuka!
Asuka hits him again and said, "All right, all right, I
will go and watch this stupid movie with you two. Just don't touch me or I'll KILL YOU!"
All: Come on! Do it!
Please!
Pen Pen joined the three, resting on the couch, bringing
some beers for himself and Misato.
James: Great! Just
what this fic need, a drunk penguin!
She really needs
to quit drinking so much. He thought,
as he
climbed up on the couch and lets out a 'Waaarh.' to let
the others know that he is ready. He
has no idea what he is watching, but he doesn't care just as
long it is good enough.
Dave: Too bad they
rented Scream.
Shinji pressed PLAY on the remote control and the movie
started.
James: Fortunately the power went out, and they played
cards instead.
Both Pen Pen and Shinji cheered the killer, wearing a
ghost-like mask, on as he kills his victims in a very gory manner.
Spike: Viscious
little shits, aren't they?
However, Shinji was worried as he
heard nothing from the two females sitting with him, but
shrugs if off.
Spike: How exactly
do you shrug if off?
James: Sounds like
a girl I met a bar once.
After the movie was finished, Shinji commented to Pen Pen,
"Wow! That was one awesome movie! Wouldn't you agree Pen Pen?"
Dave:
Unfortunately Pen-Pen was killed by the movie quality.
"Waarch! (I loved it!)
All: Run! Undead penguin!
Shinji got up and noticed something strange: neither Misato nor Asuka was to be seen.
Spike: This author
has a problem with switching from past to present tense.
He shrugs, "Oh
well, I'm going to bed."
The next morning, Shinji got up from his bed and looked at
the clock. It was way past the usual
time Asuka always wakes him up.
Where's Asuka? Maybe
she is sick or something.
He went on about his business.
After he made his breakfast, he saw both Misato and Asuka are now at the
table. They seem
tired.
Spike (cowering):
Make the Bad Grammar Man stop!
Bringing his breakfast over to the table, he asked, "So
what do you think of the movie?"
Dave: He probably
should have asked that during the movie.
Ritsuko hates getting up so early. But she has a lot to do so she was working
on one of her jobs. Maya brings some
coffees
James: Multiple coffees!
Wow, she'll be hopped up real bad!
over to where she was
working.
Spike (Whimpering):
Grammar…. From… Hell….
Waaaark! (Spike passes out).
James: Spike?
Dave: We've got to
finish the fic! We'll help Spike later.
Ritsuko took the cup, "Thank you, Maya."
Dave (as
Ritsuko): And now you die!
"It was no problem.
So what are we going to do today?"
Dave (as
Ritsuko): I just told you. Die!
"Well, a lot.
First off…" Ritsuko trailed off.
James: Well, okay, I forgot. All that caffeine.
Maya got worried and asked, "What's the matter, madam?"
Dave (as
Ritsuko): Oh, the usual, Angels
destroying City Hall, renegade guerrilla groups cuting off our power, and
Gendo's got PMS again!
Ritsuko frowned and said, "I thought I heard Misato and
Asuka screaming."
James (heavy sarcasm, monotone): Woah. Now, if anything
thrilled me, it was that fic. I may
never sleep again. Wowie.
Dave: Damn, that
sucked.
The pair
drag Spike out to the main deck, where Gendo is on the screen belittling
Shinji. TV's Fuyutski is behind
them.
Gendo: Well,
idiots? Are you ready to bow down now?
James: Nope, we
won't be broken yet.
Gendo: Mark my
words, Kelley, I'll find a fic even you can't riff!
James: I doubt
that.
Gendo: Don't
worry. I will… I will.
He shuts
off the screen
Dave: We are so
screwed…
