Still fresh from his break-through in the Hogwarts murder case, Cormac McLaggen has continued his award-winning* detective service for the benefit of witches and wizards everywhere. Despite having not had a single successful case since Hogwarts, McLaggen remains both hopeful and delusional that a new exciting adventure is on the horizon.

*Worst Detective Agency of the Year

Part 1: McLaggen Royale

I was engaged in a battle of wits and strength with an army of ants on my floor. To the winner, a three-day-old sandwich. Just as I had victory in sight, and could practically taste that green mayonnaise in my mouth, my office door creaked open.

Expecting to see a homeless man breaking in to steal my chairs, I was stunned when in walked the finest looking dame I had ever laid eyes upon.

Her eyes were so deep you needed a lifeguard nearby just to look into them. Her lips so red they would drive a bull wild with both anger and arousal. The type of legs you wanted to build a religion around. Skin so smooth and soft you wanted to cut off a piece and use it to keep a baby safe and warm. Her whole body emanated the kind of joy and wonderment that could only be matched by walking out in the summer heat and spotting a newborn unicorn flying through the air on a team of phoenixes. Nice arse, too.

'McLaggen...'

Her voice was the key to the lock of my heart.

'Bones...'

My voice was the key to the lock of her pants.

'I promised myself I'd never come back here, McLaggen. Not after last time.'

But of course. The last time myself and Susan Bones had come together, we bonded romantically over the murder of a school kid. But sadly, the investigation into a brutal killing ended not with the expected levels of excitement and intercourse, but in tragedy, as I was forced to choose my work over one of the many women of my many dreams.

'I'm sorry, Bones. Not a day goes by that I don't regret our parting. I'm reminded of it every time I look at the picture of you on my desk.'

I showed Bones my tasteful drawing of her naked body straddling a horse that has my face. She threw up a little in her mouth, in approval.

'McLaggen, I'm here purely on business. I have no interest in you romantically.'

'Me neither. No complicated feelings and emotions. It'll be simple, straight-forward, non-stop love-making.'

'No McLaggen,' replied Bones, knowing that even as the suggestion entered her brain it was causing blood to rush to all parts of her body responsible for acts of lust and decisions she'll regret in the morning. 'I have a new assignment for you. I work for an intelligence agency now.'

'I have no idea what an intelligence agency is,' I intelligently responded, taking a step backwards and tripping over a pot plant.

'Basically we gather information on witches and wizards we think may be up to no good,' she responded. 'It's quite a dangerous job, actually.'

'Well Bones, it certainly sounds like you're moving up in the world. And you're not the only one, or perhaps you already noticed my new stain,' I said, as I proudly pointed to a mysterious patch on my wall. 'But back to you for a minute, someone tells me you've begun working at an intelligence agency. For anyone in the room who still may be unfamiliar with such a thing, what am an intelligence agency?'

'I guess you could say I work with...spies.'

'Spies? I have a little spying experience myself,' I said, fondly remembering how I cracked open the case of the girl whose towel kept magically flying off whenever she walked past her bathroom window.

'I didn't want to have to ask for your help, but our agents kept being killed. And when I heard that there was a mission that would almost certainly result in death, I offered your services immediately.'

'Sounds good to me,' I said, still fondly remembering how I cracked open the case of the girl whose towel kept magically flying off whenever she walked past her bathroom window.

'So you're in?' she asked.

'Not in the way I'd like, if you know what I mean.' I tastefully pointed from my crotch to hers, to ensure she understood.

I could tell by the way she swore under her breath, that she had once again fallen madly in love with me. McLaggen – 1. Bones' better judgment – 0.

'And Bones, when you travel with McLaggen, you travel in style,' I said, taking out my very impressive Splintertwig 47, a broom described by Babes of Quidditch Magazine as "barely flyable."

'Climb on,' I instructed Bones.

Completely misunderstanding me, Bones mounted the broom. Ah well, there would be plenty of time to correct her later as we spend the better part of the next day entangling ourselves in a web of sexual tension and the fulfilment of our deepest groinal desires.

'One more thing, Bones. If I'm going to be a spy, I'll need my own sexy spy theme.'

'I'm not sure how you expect me to-'

'Don't worry, I brought my own. I'll sing it as we fly.'

And with that, I took off into the night, warning all villains to beware as I serenaded them with my song of death and eroticism.

If you were addicted before
Then get back on the wagon
You can't go cold turkey
With Cormac McLaggen