This is my thirtieth fic! I'm quite excited actually. This is skippy, jumpy, cliched and cheesy. But i dont care =P Took me ages to write *looks pointedly at an invisible Hayley and Hannah* anyway, this is for Hayley (OutCold) super duper talented writer, mainly because she made me post because i've apparently 'gone on about it' so much =P Love you too. =p Anyway, i hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Hah. I wish i owned them. Though i thought the writers did a pretty damn amazing job with the premiere (i watched it on you tube =P)

Never Letting go

She wasn't sure she had hated anyone as much as she hated her father at that point in time.

He was no longer 'papa' as he used to be, he was Director David, cold heartless, ruthless and someone she obeyed because she had too. Not because she wanted to.

She didn't want to go; Tel Aviv was no longer her home. There was nothing left for her there, everyone she had loved and cherished in her life was not there, they were in America, and the ones she had loved in Israel were dead and gone, and had been that way for some time.

Director David was sending her 'home'. She was to go undercover, very deep cover. Very, very, very deep cover. So deep they didn't know how long the op would last, a year maybe - likely more.

She couldn't face them – the team, her family. It would be too much too much pain for her and for them – too much heartbreak. So she would just do what was best for them, slink away, and disappear without a trace. She would write a letter telling them not to worry. But by the time they read it she would be long gone.

Her plane left late, just before midnight the next day – she had been ordered to take the first plane to Tel Aviv and that was it. She had one day left… So many feelings, emotions. Too many for one day. Too many for a lifetime, really. The kind that makes you want to writhe because your whole body is aching with them, and no matter what you do there is only one thing that will make you feel a little better, make them go away. And that one thing is the only thing you can't do, you can't have.

She would cherish tomorrow, try her hardest to imprint every second of her time there and hope and pray it would stay with her, more fresh and alive than anything else in her memory to get her through what lay ahead.

She looked around her apartment, a longing feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to stay. But at the same time, it was good that she wasn't. She didn't know how much longer she would have been able to cope. She could feel tears pricking her eyes, taunting at her. She had not cried in a long time, and she wasn't about to start now. She had to be strong, for herself more than anything. But also to survive, Mossad was not NCIS, it was tougher and she had weakened. Her father was right, her time with NCIS had made her softer, it was something she admitted to herself but not to anyone else. It wasn't so much that NCIS had made her soft… certain people had softened her.

Certain people that had left a hole in her heart, a void too deep to ever be filled. Not that he had a clue of course.

Wearily, resigned she packed slowly. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to be angry so badly, but she just felt empty she wanted to scream at the world but she felt tired. Very suddenly, like a cloud had just come over her head, darkened her thoughts, and all of a sudden she was completely and totally shattered.

Lying in bed, writing the letter she thought about what she had been like before she came to NCIS. Cold, closed off. Maybe she had changed, maybe she had become weaker as a Mossad agent, but she was not weaker as a person. She clutched the Star of David necklace that stayed permanently around her neck it was her mothers. She had given it to her on her death bed.

She couldn't face going back there, to that huge, empty house. Full of bittersweet memories, her smiling, laughing sister, the few memories she had of her mother.

Eventually she got to sleep that night, when she was satisfied with the letter; she curled up clutching a pillow to her chest, trying hard not to cry. And when the effort became too much, she drifted into sleep sweet memories filling her dreams. That night the nightmares didn't chase her.

The next day passed in the blink of an eye, too quickly. Far too quickly.

The ache that filled her heart as she stepped in the elevator, still just able to see Tony laughing from his desk, could not be described with words it took every ounce of her self control not to cry as she left him. And he had no idea. The thought made her sick to the stomach, what he would read when he got home…

By then it would be too late. He didn't know which airport she was going to, and it was a long way away.

It was eight o'clock already. She swallowed her tears, and her hurt, and took out her anger on her car… and put her efforts into terrorising the other drivers.

But really it was just a distraction, to push her on. To keep her going. To keep her from turning round and driving back to Tony, just to find the rejection she thought was inevitable.

But she still would not allow herself to cry.

She arrived at the airport, it was very dark, but there were so many things to sort out. It was so final…She sighed, and picked up her bag. All good things come to an end – she had learnt that a long time ago.

Driving on the way home, Tony knew something was up. She hadn't been… just, she hadn't been right today.

There had been too many times were he'd caught her staring at him with an, an almost grieving expression on her face and heartbreak would flash in her eyes for a second. And then it was gone.

It had unsettled him, and she wasn't just doing it with him. She'd looked at everyone the same way… well, almost the same way.

He needed to confront her about it. He needed to confront her about a lot of things.

So, when he got home he decided it was bothering him too much, and for his benefit as well as hers he would ring her. He tried her home. But she didn't answer, which was strange, because she'd left before him… and her apartment was closer… he shrugged it off, and tried her mobile. Straight to voicemail. Ok, that wasn't normal. He was beginning to panic, rooted to the spot all sorts of images and situations came flooding into his head at once. Whilst he was panicking, he looked around. And noticed an envelope on the floor. In her writing.

Trembling, and not knowing why – call it a gut feeling. He almost smiled at the irony. He picked up the letter.

Tony,

You have no idea how much this hurts. And I am sorry, I truly am. I wish it had not come to this, but I wish for a lot of things. Apparently too many. I am leaving, but I need you, out of everyone I need you to know the most – that it is not my choice. I would never chose to leave you. Any of you. Our team, it has become a family to me. My Director has given me orders, I am to return to Israel. By the time you get this it will be too late. Do not look for me. Please. You deserve much more than this. When I return to Israel I am going under deep cover, very deep cover. You will not find me, and I don't expect you too.

But I also need you to know something, which I wish I had been strong enough to tell you face to face. I love you. I have for a while now, really. I am so sorry, I don't want to hurt you this way. But I am certain you don't return my feelings. When I came to NCIS I had not bargained for what it gave to me, a family. But also a lot of heartache. Before I could never have imagined that someone could come along the way you did, and effortlessly steal my heart. I didn't think the kind of emotions I now feel were possible, that they existed. I know better now.

I love you, and I cannot put into words how much I will miss you.

All of you.

My heart is yours forever.

Ziva

By the end of her letter, tears were flowing freely down his face. She was going, she was leaving. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think.

He couldn't even comprehend…

All this time.

And she had loved him.

He didn't even bother to grab anything, within a few seconds the letter had drifted back down to the floor and he was out the door. She had been wrong about the not finding thing – he had heard her on the phone to a certain airline company the other day. She wasn't as observant as she thought he was. And the said place was only twenty minutes or so from his place.

Ziva was stood outside the entrance of the airport, she didn't know how long she had been there for. But it was peaceful out there, quiet. It was raining lightly, the beads of glistening water dropping on her skin. The sky was crying for her.

She took one last look around, she would miss America.

But most of all she would miss her family. Tony.

She turned to walk back in.

Then froze.

At the sound of his voice.

"Ziva," Tears pricked her eyes once more,

She turned to face him, and he reached her, out of breath.

She looked at him, and he searched her chocolate eyes. They were so full of hurt, he just couldn't bear it. She was so beautiful. And he had never seen her look this vulnerable, quite so pained. He trailed a finger down her cheek, trembling. This time she couldn't hold back, she blinked and tears fell. And he kissed her softly. "I love you,"

She cried, and he kissed her forehead.

"Stay," he choked, "I can't lose you."

"You got my letter?" She whispered softly.

"You scared me Zee, I, I thought you'd gone."

Her body shook in his arms, "I am sorry."

"Will you stay? Please," he let the hurt show in his voice; the thought of her leaving… was just too unbearable.

She managed to nod, "The director…"

"We'll sort it out, but you have to stay." He told her.

She nodded again, and his heart began to slow down, and his breathing started to go back to normal. "I'm never letting you go Ziva David."

She laughed a little, and they stood there. In the darkness. In the rain. But finally together.

If you had any idea of the effort that went into this you would review. =P PLEASE DO! I'm begging here.... i spent so long. But the point is i love to hear whether you liked it or not.

And see what i mean Hay, about the SGH thing?

Anyway, please review *begs*

Thank you for reading and reviewing. Hopefully.

Oh and please don't put this on alert... it a one shot!

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