My dearest Santana,
I'm writing this now, watching you sleep. You look so peaceful and carefree and i couldn't disturb you to have this conversation with you face to face And i know, that you'l hate me for it. I'd hate someone if they done this to me. It's envitable our relationship. Of course I love you. Always have.
Remember when we were fourteen and you kissed my cheek, after i'd done your english homework? I didnt wash my face for a week, because i liked to remind myself that, thats where your lips touched me for the first time. Little did I know that in the future my lips would touch you in many places. Over the years I've watched you grow into a beautiful young woman. independant,loving,lost,intelligent. It brought both joy and pain into my life to watch you grow the way you have. Joy because I know happiness is all you ever wanted and you found it, with Brittany. It brought me pain because, all i ever wanted was the power to bring you happiness, but for once i settled for not being the source of it, and moving on with my life. The night you first kissed me, at the graduation party, we were drunk and i brushed it off, as a drunken celebration kiss, like one of those you get at tweleve on new years eve. But i forgot about one thing. Brittany. She seen you kiss me. And i will never forgive myself for what happend in the hours that followed. I never thought she would leave you because of a drunken kiss.
She'd done it before herself and you forgave her, because the love you shared with her, couldn't be broken by a stupid drunken kiss. And yet she left you. I hated myself for months on end because of it. I'd ruined the only thing that made you happy San, and i will never forgive myself for that. Months passed, I went to Yale,
you went to New York wth Rachel, I never seen that coming, I kept in touch with her over the months, in a way, to keep in touch with you. She told me you were miserable, but getting on with life, and working on an off broadway performance, and i was so proud. When we met again, in March 2013, I couldn't contain myself, seeing you again made me relaise that you could never love me. you were so beautiful and successful and talented. And I was well, me, little Quinn Fabray depending on daddys money to pay for law school. I could tell that you still weren't happy. I knew you were pretending,
hell I'm the Queen of Prentending. I tried comforting you, and I apologised for what happend between you and Britt for what felt like the millionth time, and you flinched everytime i said her name. Everytime I touched you, you flinched. You left the apartment and didn't come back, I wanted to go look for you, but Rachel said this is what you do to shut people out, so i stayed awake all night, and left to visit Sam back in Lima the next morning I never saw you again.
January 2014, I havent seen you in almost a year, Rachel told me, she got you a part in a play on broadway, after she graduated from NYADA, i wanted to call you and tell you how proud I was, but I knew calling would make things worse. So I didnt, I forcused on School and my career, and I tried to forget about you, I even stopped asking about you when Rachel called. I was more miserable than ever, then came had come got me, and brought me back to New York. She was hosting a reunion with all the guys from McKinley. Mercedes and Sam were there, with their daughter. Tina and Mike were getiing married in the Fall. Sugar had moved to Ireland with Rory, and wouldnt be able to make it. Brittany was there, and to my complete shock, she was with Artie. Kurt and Blaine were there, having moved out here when Blaine graduated. Puck and Finn were on leave from the Army, and no one knew what happend to Joe. I had to fly out the next morning. I saw the Pain in your eyes everytime you looked at Britt. And that hurt me. I didnt talk to you, instead I stuck by Sam, he was my bestfriend, after I lost you. I was leaving to go to my hotel, thats when you ran after me, remember? I was walking out of the apartment block and you ran after me, you caught me, and you kissed me. Then without a single word, you walked back in to the block of apartments, I stood there for what felt like forever, before i walked away, tears streming down my face. I left the next morning.
December 2015, I'm here in New York, staying with Sam and Mercedes for the holidays. And of course Rachel decides to have a dinner with us three, herself and you. it had been over a year since I last saw you, Since you kissed me. And i couldn't get it out of my head. I'd seen a million other people to try and rid myself of the feel of you. but i couldnt. It hurt.
Boxing day 2015, today. This was the first we spoke in over two years. It was small talk, mostly 'How's broadway?' or 'You a lawyer yet?', the night was coming to an end, and for some reason, you asked Mercedes If you could bunk in with me. And you did. You lay with me in my bed, and played with my hair, and you kissed me softly, but you didnt speak. neither did I. I did the only thing I could think of, I kissed you hard and long, I tried taking away your pain. I kissed your neck,your jaw, your breast, your hips, your sex.
I pulled you over the sweet cliffs edge, and you uttered one word 'Brittany', and It Killed me even more, than those two years of pain. I'd never have been what you needed. i was simply a substitue. I waited until you fell alseep, and I kissed you one more time softly, before leaving the bed. And here I am, writing you a letter, bacause I can't bear to face you in the morning.I don't want to kick off at you, and I know I will. I love you so much, that it's killing me, each day I don't hear your voice, I don't see your face. I'm not in your life anymore. And that hurts more than words can say. I'm not Brittany. I never have been and I never will be. I'm Quinn. I'll never be what you want, want you need, what you deserve. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I have to leave, I'm sorry I have to leave you with only this. And when I see you next Year when Rachel drags me back here, I just hope you're happy. Thats all I want for you Santana, I want you to be happy. Thats what you deserve. I love you, forever.
Sincerily, Yours, forever. Quinn.