Disclaimer: I certainly do not own Harry Potter or anything else. Though I do own the slang "Vagina Cabinet." Go ahead, you can use it. I give you permission.
June 23, 1991
Dear Diary,
Dudder's birthday today. Got 37 presents, including cine-camera. Bet he's going to plant it in the bathroom to watch me undress. The creeper. Totally in love with me. Caught him peeking between the stairs into my cupboard. Akward because I was masturbating.
Got to go to the zoo. Saw gorilla. Looked like Dudley. Saw an elephant. Reminded me of Uncle Vernon, that fat arse. Aunt Petunia was very interested in our waiter. Caught her looking at her arse. It's obvious to everyone but Vernon that she's a lesbian. That's why she always spies on our neighbours.
Had a dream on flying motorbike. Reminded myself not to accept weed from Mrs. Figg ever again. I must have had too much because I talked to a snake. Said he wanted to go to Brazil. Don't know why unless he wanted to get into the prostitution business. Might be popular since he could crawl into girls' Vagina Cabinets. Girls would like that. He also has a long tongue. Might be useful.
Dudley and his boyfriend Piers broke the glass and fell in. Must be because they're giant dicks. Then it reappeared. Must be Satan. Got blamed for it. No meals for forever. Looks like it's time to kill these spiders.
They're very good if you fry em a bit.
Sincerely, Harry Potter the Spider Eater.
Authouress' Note: New story, Potterheads. Doing a chapter for every chapter in the book, or if two chapters on same day, one big one. Love y'all like I love fat kids. Not enough to tell someone. Cheers!
FiercePhoenix