Author's Note: Never did I think I'd ever write a parody. I was just in a real silly mood one afternoon, and this came out of it as my outlet. This is not character bashing. I'll always love the FFVIII characters, and FFVIII happens to be my favorite right beneath FFI (NES version). Squall was practically my role model growing up, what with his bravery and compassion for others.

But hey. It's a game, which I like so much I made this parody to the intro. Enjoy!

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Squall's bareness sat on the toilet, exhaling a sigh of relief, though not just through his mouth. But he cursed under his breath, as he noticed not even one sheet of Charmin Ultra available for his wiping pleasure. Mumbling his frustration in Latin, he whipped out his cell phone and decided to send someone a text message to install some for him. After all, he needed some frickin' toilet paper.

"I'll be here…in this stall," he typed hastily, hating the idea of leaving the bathroom without the soft sensation of Charmin on his bottom.

He immediately got a reply to his text message.

"Why…?"

"I need some toilet paper. I'll be waiting here. If you come here, you'll find me. I promise. Bring Charmin Ultra…Less is more."

Miles away in Timber, Rinoa Heartily threw her cell phone into her glass of ginger ale, her eye twitching.

"What's the problem, Rinoa?" Zone asked her, looking up from the Girls Gone Wild magazine he drooled over.

Rinoa blinked, holding her hands cautiously to her chest as she watched her cell phone sizzle and zap in its electrocution. "I think the Charmin Bear just texted me," she said nervously. "It wanted toilet paper from me…"

"No way!" Zone exclaimed. "We've got a town to liberate!"

Rinoa cheered and clapped her hands. "Yeah! Waiter, more sodas, please!"

Squall waited tensely for a reply, but there was nothing. But luckily, after about forty-five minutes, he realized that all he really needed to do was let rip an explosive fart. Thusly he didn't need any toilet paper after all. However, the gaseous rumble of his cheeks hurt hugely, so he was now left with an extreme hemorrhoid. With that he pulled up his expensive looking leather pants, and buckled his unusual criss-crossed-red belts. He flipped his sexy long hair left and right to make sure it looked just perfect for the envious of his perfect anime features before exiting the stall.

But when he came out the door, he was whacked in the head with a toilet plunger by his archrival, Seifer. He held ashes in his hand, smirking.

"I burned all of the toilet paper with my Fira spell!" he laughed. "Why? To get in your FACE!"

He started to do the chicken dance. Squall held back tears of angst for the perfectly innocent Charmin that could never be stroked upon his crack, now ashes in that beeitch's hand. He seized another toilet plunger and tried to suffocate Seifer with the suction, but he parried the blow. Both pairs of eyes boring into each other's with hate, they raised to their feet, toilet plungers held high, and the chicken dance battle music started.

They charged, weapons of wood and rubber collided. They swung and whammed, skill and dexterity far too evenly matched to strike the other. As Seifer began reciting the incantation for Fira ("F is for Fire that burns up your Charmin, I is for IN YOUR FACE,"), Squall turned on the sink aside him and ripped off the knobs, water now squirting everywhere, soaking the two and drenching the floor. Squall flipped his soaking hair back, so beautifully in slow motion, and they charged towards each other.

But they both slipped on the wet floor, screaming like soprano gospel singers as they slid forward before crashing into each other's faces. And all went black.

Squall's vision slowly came into view. He screamed blood curdling and then started slapping the air, whimpering, at the sight of the horrid, old, saggy face that stared into his.

"Calm down, kid!" Dr. Kadowaki exclaimed in that extremely unattractive, nostalgic, old and dusty voice. Squall continued spazzing and panicking at her repulsive face, but then the doctor slapped him. Squall sat up, his beautiful, perfect anime eyes shooting venom into the evil and ugly old doctor hag's.

"How dare you strike my perfectly animated irresistible complexion!" Squall yelled. "NEVER touch my astounding anime beauty! Every FFVIII fan-girl finds me the hottest and sexiest FF guy in Square Enix!" He flipped his hair back. "Don't look at me…don't touch me, a hag like you doesn't deserve this splendor…"

Dr. Kadowaki snorted, and Squall was violently turned off at the reminder of a sow. She held a mirror in front of him. "Let's see how hot they'll think you are now!"

And to Squall's utter, heart stopping horror, the camera zoomed in like a microscope, at the now visible scratch on his nose.

All of Balamb Garden went deaf at his scream, students bumped into each other and fell into the furnace, it exploded and then the Training Center caught on fire. The Firefighters came but the scream of Squall made the truck explode and then the explosion of the truck made the communication Tower in Dollet explode so then the glass windows in every house and building in Dollet shattered, the people screaming and taking for cover. The screams caught the attention of aliens from Mars, so in the humans' vulnerability they came to Earth and shot mega laser beams everywhere. Trees caught on fire and people ran around in circles screaming for sanctuary. Once the aliens set Grandidi forest on fire, they roasted marshmallows and hotdogs over it, singing folksongs while the people of the world rushed in a mess of horrid panic. Once they had their satisfaction, they set up tents and were lulled to sleep by people screaming and ambulance sirens chiming.

Squall finally stopped screaming, and flipped his hair left to right, smiling broadly and waving at himself like Chris Crocker.

"I guess it's not that bad of a scratch," he concluded. "I'm too hot to ever be ugly… The people of the world love me because I'm me."

He looked up at Dr. Kadowaki. "And old hags like you hate me because you can never be me…"

He tusked at her, waving his finger sympathetically. With that he continued flipping his hair and beaming in the mirror. And Squall lived happily ever after.

Author's Note: Messed up stuff, but oh how fun it was. Parodies are not my choice of writing, but I do want to appeal to more readers. Please review. If it's worth it, then maybe I'll write a sequel if I get in another goofy mood one day. Thanks for reading :D