Cheryl burned the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I also don't believe in the crazy things Cheryl, Mallory or anyone else says. I'm just channeling the madness that takes place after Nellis. Originally this was going to be a one shot but this fic just took a mind of its own.
Nobody said being a spy was easy. In fact…
It's A Dirty Job
Part I: It's The Hard Knock Life
Mallory Archer was not having a good day.
"I am having such a bad day you won't believe it!" Mallory barked at her son, Lana and the rest of her staff in her office. "First I run out of coffee in my apartment. Because God forbid Ron helps out around the house. I mean he drinks coffee too but does he replace it? Or even put it on the damn shopping list?"
"You actually shop?" Pam asked. "For groceries?"
"As in actual food?" Cheryl blinked.
"I thought you lived on a diet of alcohol, evil thoughts and souls," Pam remarked.
"Me too," Ray agreed with a grin.
"Technically I send out but he should have put it on the list!" Mallory explained. "And of course today Ron decides not to sleep in and actually goes to work early so I can't confront him about it!"
"Smart man," Archer remarked.
Mallory went on. "Then on my way to get coffee I had to wait forever behind this whiny little nobody who couldn't decide what kind of coffee she wanted to in order to save her life. Then the barista gets my order wrong. Yada, yada, yada…I'm no longer allowed in that coffee shop down the street."
"Oh dear," Cyril blinked.
"Then on my way in a pigeon decides to use my best coat as its personal bathroom!" Mallory went on. "Long story short, I ended up getting a ticket. Apparently there's some kind of law against shooting pigeons! On a busy sidewalk."
"Yeah they can be real stickers about that," Krieger nodded. "The trick is to shoot the birds at night when no one's around. And use a silencer. Always use a silencer."
"Thanks for the advice!" Mallory groaned. "I almost got my gun confiscated. Good thing I had an in with the police chief but I still had to use up one of my favors. And I may have to give him a few more."
"Ewww…" Archer winced.
"I meant payoffs and bribes, ass!" Mallory snapped. "Then I'm not even in my office for three minutes when that bastard Hawley from the CIA calls and starts complaining!"
"I'm guessing it's about our past couple of missions," Archer winced.
"Yes the quality…and I use that word very liberally because we all know there was no quality on how you morons handled your past few disasters," Mallory snarled. "Displeased Hawley Highness. Not to mention your little road trip to Area 51 and Branson! And your little car chase shootout in San Francisco where one of their agents died!"
Archer protested. "Again that was totally Ethan's fault!"
"Got a stupid lecture about commitment and competence and something or other I wasn't really paying attention," Mallory waved.
"What a surprise," Archer said.
"And to top it all off he was also complaining about the paperwork being backed up!" Mallory grumbled. "I didn't even know there was paperwork to begin with! I'm starting to think having my agency backed by the CIA is not one of my better ideas," Mallory grumbled.
"You do know it's technically not your agency anymore right?" Cyril asked.
"Apparently they've been sending me these forms I have to fill out! Including a certification process form!" Mallory fumed.
"Certification? For what? Drinking scotch and insulting people while telling them to do work you don't want to do?" Ray asked.
Mallory looked like she was going to make a retort but then thought about it. "That one was actually pretty good," She admitted.
"And accurate," Pam added.
"Shut up! What are those interns doing in the mail room? Playing beer pong with Pam again? Those interns need to get back to work!" Mallory barked.
"We don't have any interns," Cyril said. "Remember?"
"Oh right. That explains why I haven't had any mail delivered to my office these past few months," Mallory blinked. "Not to mention it took me forever to re-change my address from San Marcos."
"Yeah that paperwork is always a stickler," Pam agreed.
"But we should have had some interns by now!" Mallory snapped. "Didn't anyone put an ad in the paper for them?"
"We did but…" Cyril groaned.
"But what?" Mallory asked.
Lana spoke up. "Funny thing, when a place gets a reputation for killing interns. Interns kind of steer clear of the place."
"Oh come on we haven't killed that many interns!" Mallory snapped. "Okay perhaps Krieger and his lab. I get that. That's mostly on him."
"And a few died along with Brett during that whole CIA drug fiasco," Ray added. "And one overdosed on Krieger's LSD breath strips. Which Pam gave him."
"He said he could handle it!" Pam snapped. "And I only gave him one! He grabbed like ten of them from me so…Not responsible."
"What about that guy you brought to your underground fight club?" Ray asked.
"He signed the disclaimer and he knew what he was getting into!" Pam snapped. "Besides you're one to talk!"
"What did I do?" Ray asked.
"Interesting choice of words," Lana folded her arms. "Aaron in the men's room doesn't ring a bell?"
"That was not my fault!" Ray snapped. "I had no idea the man had a heart condition. Besides according to the autopsy reports he was practically going to die in a few months anyway. All I did was make him happy during his last hours."
"He was," Pam said. "Very happy. He looked like one of the Joker's laughing gas victims."
"Speaking of victims let's not forget that training video fiasco where a few died," Ray added.
"Nobody told me they weren't real ninjas!" Lana shouted. "How was I supposed to know that I wasn't supposed to kill them?"
"You really should have clarified that on your part," Archer said to his mother.
"I was trying to make it realistic," Mallory grumbled.
"Well it was," Lana folded her arms.
"And that one guy's heart stopped when we over tasered him during that other segment," Krieger remembered. "And that other guy Cyril shot."
"That was my bad," Archer spoke up. "I thought it was a good idea to take Cyril to the target range and practice so he doesn't accidentally shoot us all every time he gets a gun."
"I got better!" Cyril snapped.
"That intern didn't," Ray remarked.
"Don't forget the time Cheryl shared some of her gummy bears that one Halloween," Lana added. "Three overdosed and one jumped out the window thinking he could fly."
"Yeah that was a fun day," Cheryl giggled. "SPLAT!"
"And then there was the time Archer decided to play ultimate darts in the office," Cyril went on.
"That was an accident! How was I to know that dart would fly directly into that guy's ear canal and puncture his brain?" Archer barked. "It was his own fault anyway! He was in my shot!"
"So were the ones the time you decided to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in the office," Cyril barked. "With all those fireworks you set off?"
"We still can't get those burn marks and bloodstains off the ceiling," Mallory groaned.
"And then there was the intern you killed after you hired him to replace Bilbo," Lana said to Mallory. "The other guy you killed!"
"That was an accident!" Mallory snapped. "I was just trying to relax him…"
"Seduce him," Archer scoffed.
"How was I to know the man was allergic to alcohol?" Mallory protested.
"Yeah well it turns out they're all allergic to death," Lana said.
Mallory barked. "Cyril get on the phone and call around and get us some new interns!"
"I already did! We've been blacklisted!" Cyril said.
"What?" Mallory said. "Have you called our contacts in the CIA training division?"
"First ones I called and they're the ones who started the blacklist," Cyril said.
"Well what about the Agency for…?" Mallory began.
"Second ones I called," Cyril sighed. "We're blacklisted there too."
"What about the Partridge School for Exceptional…?"
"Them too," Cyril said. "I also called all the other highly classified secret spy training schools. All three of them. Two now. One had to close because of budget cuts."
"How about…?" Mallory began.
"I also called those schools in England, France, Germany, Singapore and Australia," Cyril added. "Again, our reputation preceded us."
"Damn," Mallory frowned. "Oh there's always…"
"I called every temp agency in the tri-state area," Cyril interrupted. "And a few in Pennsylvania! So unless you wanna drive down there and recruit a few Amish we're out of luck."
"Well we need to get some interns somewhere!" Mallory barked.
"Sure we'll just put a personal ad in the paper," Archer quipped. "Help Wanted. Secret spy agency needs able bodied recruits willing to work for free. Must not be afraid of bullets, cyborgs or nerve gas."
"It wasn't that specific but…"Cyril began.
"In other words I wasted three dollars for nothing?" Mallory asked.
"Personal ads in the papers cost over twenty bucks now," Cyril explained. "And that's on the low end of the pricing range!"
"Seriously?" Mallory was stunned.
"Where the hell have you been Ms. Archer?" Pam asked. "Thanks to a little invention called the Internet, newspaper circulation is slower than the blood in Woodhouse's veins."
"By the way has anybody seen Woodhouse? He's kind of missing," Archer spoke up. "I think I misplaced him or something."
"How do you misplace a butler?" Ray asked.
"If there was a way, Sterling would do it. Fine! I'll handle it myself! As usual!" Mallory groaned. "Next item, this office has become even more of a mess than usual."
"Yeah the janitors have been really slacking off," Archer said.
"That's because there are no janitors!" Lana shouted. "There haven't been any since the agency was shut down last year! Remember? The fake raid by the CIA posing as the FBI? The gas bombs?"
"Brett dying?" Ray asked. "And a few interns."
"I think a janitor got winged too," Pam spoke up.
"Well that explains why the trash cans haven't been emptied in over a week," Archer looked at Mallory's trash can. It was filled with bottles and papers.
"More like months," Lana groaned.
"Yeah my recyclable cyborg body parts bin is really starting to pile up in my lab," Krieger admitted.
"Why don't we have janitors to clean?" Pam spoke up.
"The cleaning ladies going splat in the elevator incident? Remember?" Cheryl gave her a look.
"But that was a while ago," Archer spoke up. "Can't we just get another fresh batch from some agency?"
"There was another incident," Mallory winced. "This time it really was an accident. I pushed the wrong button and…Long story short Krieger disabled that feature."
"And again that shoot out with the CIA…" Lana added.
"In other words it's pretty similar to our intern shortage problem," Ray said.
"Again a moot point. Even if we could find a janitor to work here we can't afford them!" Cyril spoke up. "We can barely afford an ad in the paper."
Mallory disdainfully looked at the trash can full of papers and bottles next to her desk. "Sterling clean up that mess."
"No! I'm a highly trained secret agent Mother! Not the help!" Archer barked.
"Yes you are! You're my help and you will do as I say!" Mallory snarled.
"Okay fine. Cyril empty the trash cans," Archer said.
"Why do I have to do it? Why can't Lana…?" Cyril began.
"Don't even finish that sentence," Lana glared at him.
"Fine, I'll do it," Cyril went to do it.
"NO! I ordered you to do it Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "For once you are going to obey a direct order instead of passing it off to someone else!"
"Oh come on! When do I ever not do what I'm ordered to do?" Archer barked.
"All the time," Lana said.
"I do not!" Archer barked.
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"ENOUGH!" Mallory shouted. "Sterling Mallory Archer clean out my trash right now!"
"You can't be serious!" Archer snapped. "Why?"
"Because you always make messes for me!" Mallory snapped. "For once you're going to clean up one of mine! And the rest of you better get used to cleaning because until our agency gets a cleaning staff or any kind of competent help you're all going to be cleaning this office!"
Several of the staff complained with groans. "Oh come on! Seriously? Are you serious? Oh man! I'm just an assistant!"
"Well I don't see the problem," Lana folded her arms. "I've already been taking care of my office and recycling my trash."
"Oh goody for you!" Mallory said sarcastically. "Give Captain Planet a medal!"
"Gaia would be a more apt analogy," Pam spoke up.
"Please! She's not even cute enough to be Suchi," Cheryl snorted.
"Whoa! What the hell…?" The others gasped in shock.
"You know…?" Lana bristled.
"What is wrong with you?" Pam asked Cheryl.
"What isn't wrong with her?" Ray groaned.
"Cheryl that was too racist even for me!" Mallory snapped.
"And that is a high bar to pass," Archer admitted.
"What? What did I say?" Cheryl was confused.
"You compared Lana to a monkey!" Mallory snapped. "Albeit a cartoon monkey but still…"
"I didn't compare Lana to a monkey! Jesus!" Cheryl groaned. "I said monkeys are cuter than Lana which they are! It's not a race thing! I just like monkeys!"
"Not surprising since you share an IQ with them," Mallory grumbled.
"Now that's just insulting the monkeys," Ray quipped.
"Monkeys are cute and furry and scream so loud when you set them on fire," Cheryl giggled. "And they have way smaller hands than Lana."
"Watch it you," Lana glared at her.
"Make me!" Cheryl sneered.
"Oh I'll…" Lana went to beat up Cheryl.
"Lana! Don't!" Mallory groaned. "Normally I'd love to see you beat the harebrained heiress senseless but one since we don't have any cleaning staff and I don't want to mess up my office even more than it is…"
"It won't make that much of a mess!" Cheryl protested.
"And secondly that's what she obviously wants!" Mallory rolled her eyes. "Probably after some stupid cheap thrill."
"I am actually," Cheryl sighed. "It's been a boring week. Even sticking my finger in a light socket didn't do much for me."
"Just ignore her prattle. She's basically what the offspring of Hoggish Greedly and Sly Sludge would be like," Mallory added.
"How do you know so much about Captain Planet?" Archer asked his mother. "You hate cartoons!"
"Because I once had to spend a god awful weekend with Ted Turner," Mallory admitted. "Apparently it was some kind of premiere weekend and was heavily plugging that piece of tree hugging animated crap. He insisted that I watch every God damn episode with him in his private theater with nonstop commentary about how important it is to conserve our natural recourses and blah, blah, blah…"
"I take it you're not a fan," Archer said wryly.
"You think?" Mallory groaned. "Ugh. Third worst honeypot mission I ever did. Not only was I forced to watch that insipid cartoon, Ted Turner wouldn't put out! And I had to listen to Tom Cruise babble on about Scientology all weekend!"
She then glared at her staff. "So I don't want to hear your whining!"
"Mother I am a highly trained secret agent," Archer scoffed.
"So are Lana and Ray," Cyril pointed out.
"Meh," Archer shrugged. "Still I mean come on! I mean I know as a spy I have to do dirty work sometimes but not literally! I have better things to do than vacuuming and scrubbing toilets."
"Like what?" Mallory glared at him.
"Uh…" Archer blinked, clearly unprepared for the question. "Intelligence gathering."
"From where?" Mallory snarled. "New York's priciest whorehouse?"
"Well it's a start," Archer began. "Besides it's not my job to clean things…"
"Your job is whatever I tell you it is!" Mallory snapped. "And if you and the others in the Idiot Brigade don't start shaping up you may have no choice but to fall back on this as a career path!"
"Well I definitely don't want that as a scenario," Cyril winced.
"I'm not a janitor! I'm an executive assistant!" Cheryl protested. "I have like enough to do around here! I'm overworked as it is!"
Just then the phone began to ring outside at Cheryl's desk. Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What?" Cheryl blinked, completely clueless. "You want me to get that?"
"If you're not too busy…" Mallory hissed sarcastically.
"Well I'm kind of in a meeting…" Cheryl spoke. Mallory made a frustrated groan as she answered the phone in her office.
"I was hoping something like that would happen," Archer chuckled.
"Me too," Ray admitted.
"Hello?" Mallory answered in a pleasant tone. Then she frowned. And then screamed in frustration as she slammed the phone down.
"Problem?" Archer quipped.
"It's a damn robo telemarketing call!" Mallory yelled. "It's bad enough I get calls for solar power panels that I don't need nor want, but they don't even have the decency to use a real human being I can insult and hang up on?"
"It's the way of world Mother," Archer poured himself a drink. "Welcome to the future where machines do all the work! I mean why pay an office full of people to do a job one machine can do?"
"Don't think I haven't imagined that scenario for this agency!" Mallory growled. "If I could replace all you lot with machines…Oh wait."
She looked at Ray. "I've already started. So much for that theory."
"You know…?" Ray looked at her.
"Did you know solar panels are pretty easy to set on fire if you know how to wire them right?" Cheryl giggled.
"It is scary how many times you say something like that," Pam remarked.
"Well as much fun as it would be to do some manual labor," Archer scoffed as he took a drink. "I'm going to pass."
Mallory stormed up to him and whacked the glass right out of his hand. "HEY! That's how you get ants Mother!" Archer fumed. "And it's a waste of barley passable Scotch."
"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory growled. "You are going to clean every inch of my office and I am going to personally supervise you!"
"Dream on Mother! You can't…OWWWWW!" Archer yelled as Mallory twisted his ear. "OWWWW!"
"Now listen to me you slackers," Mallory growled at her staff while holding her son's ear. "Don't think I don't know what you've been doing all these years! The drinking, the smoking, the gambling, the gossiping…The figurative and sometimes literal screwing around on my dollar!"
"Don't forget the drug use and experiments!" Cheryl cheerfully reminded her. "And sometimes we take naps when we pass out."
"Thank you Cheryl…"Mallory said sarcastically.
"Oh yeah and we sometimes steal office supplies and stuff…" Cheryl went on.
"Well the free ride ends now!" Mallory ordered, ignoring her son's painful whimpers. "I am going to get a decent day's work out of you idiots one way or another. And since I can't get it out of you for doing what you're supposed to be doing… I'm going to have to settle for this! ANYONE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
She made her point by twisting Archer's ear even more. Archer responded with a painful yelp. "Nooope," Lana gulped.
"I guess it couldn't hurt to tidy up the office a little bit?" Cyril gulped. "Save a little money around here."
"Yeah today is kind of a good day to clean the slime out of my lab," Krieger agreed.
"I thought you'd see it my way," Mallory sneered in triumph. She let go of her son and shoved him to the ground.
"Oww…" Archer moaned in pain.
"Sterling you are going to clean this office! And if you give me any more lip I'll make you do it with a toothbrush!" Mallory barked. "Is that clear?"
"Ow…" Archer lay on the floor.
"I'll take that as a yes. All right now for the rest of you," Mallory ordered. "Pam and Cyril start by cleaning the break room. Ray and Cheryl clean the bullpen. Lana you and Dr. Blight's twin brother over there can start with the recyclables. Then try to tidy up Krieger's lab. And when you're all done with that, then you can move to the bathrooms!"
"That's going to be a chore," Krieger groaned.
"You're going to clean this dump until it shines like the top of the Chrysler building!" Mallory snapped. "NOW GET TO WORK!"
Her staff fled in terror. Except for Archer who was still on the floor. "Oh stop whining," Mallory scoffed as she poured herself a drink.
She took a sip. "Hmm…You have a point about the Scotch."
So what happens next? Tune in to see what madness happens! Spoiler alert: It's about to get weird.