AN: Hello and welcome to my fic, in which I have written lots of fluff, lots of innuendos, and numerous attempts at humour which may or may not be successful. Enjoy! :)
Kili sat on his bed, nervously fiddling with his meticulously braided dark hair in anticipation for the day ahead. He smoothed the front of his embroidered velvet jacket. They were fancy clothes he wasn't accustomed to wearing, and he felt more than a little uncomfortable. For this was the day of his wedding, the unprecedented union of a dwarf and an elf. Kili was completely torn between being incredibly excited and at the same time scared out of his wits. Would he be a good husband? Would Tauriel be able to adjust to living with the dwarves? Would he be able to provide everything she needed and wanted? Would their union be accepted by his people?
And in the back of his mind, he kept wondering about everything the night would hold...
"Kili? Are you all right?" Fili interrupted his thoughts, startling him. "You look..."
"Nervous?" Kili quavered.
Fili sat down on the bed next to him. "Aww, Ki, what's the matter? Aren't you happy?"
"Of course!" Kili exclaimed.
"Then what's there to be nervous about?"
"Well... a lot of things, but there's one thing that I'm just really unsure about..." Kili trailed off.
"What's that?" Fili put his arm around his brother's shoulder reassuringly.
Kili shifted uncomfortably. "Well... it's... it's about tonight."
"The feast? I'm sure the royal cooks have got it all in order, don't you worry!"
"No, it's not about the feast, it's about after!"
"The toasts? Don't worry Ki, I haven't got anything TOO embarrassing planned for my speech! You can count on me, okay?"
"After the speeches," Kili said shyly.
"The dancing? I thought you knew how to dance!"
"No, after the dancing!"
"Well, after the dancing, it's off to bed! Nothing more to say about that!" Fili said matter-of-factly, completely missing Kili's point.
"EXACTLY," Kili said, ducking his head and blushing.
Fili looked at his brother's face for a couple seconds and then said "Oh. OH!" very loudly.
"You idiot," Kili whispered.
"Sorry," Fili grinned sheepishly. "I guess my mind wasn't quite on the right track. But why are you so worried about that? What do you want to know?"
"What to DO!" Kili exclaimed, avoiding eye contact. "She's... she's so beautiful, and pale, and tall, and I'm short and dark and ugly and... what if she sees me and changes her mind about me? What if I do something wrong and... she'll think I'm a child? She is a whole lot older than me, anyhow-"
Fili clapped a hand over his brother's mouth and hushed him. "She loves you for who you are, not what you look like," he said. "Isn't that how you feel about her? Wouldn't you still love her, no matter what's under her clothes?"
"Of course," said Kili. "And... she feels that way too?"
"Of course," Fili smiled.
They were quiet for a minute or two, and then Kili started, "But, what if I DO make a mistake?"
"At what?"
"In bed!"
"How could you possibly make a mistake?"
"I don't know! I don't even know what I don't know! How do I-?"
"Go for the spot between her legs," Fili suggested.
Kili punched him.
"Are you sure you're really mature enough to be getting married?" Fili grinned.
"Well you've not been of much help, older brother," Kili scowled.
"It's your own fault for marrying an elf!" Fili laughed. "How on Arda are you supposed to sleep with a girl who's twice your height?"
"I don't know, that's why I asked you!"
"Next time," Fili winked, "go to Uncle for sex tips."
Kili gasped, and cried out, "Are you kidding me? I'd sooner ask our mother than ask uncle Thorin!" Kili burst out laughing. "But imagine his face if we did, though!"
Fili snickered. "I know! What I wouldn't give to see his reaction!"
"I doubt he's ever even done it," Kili mused.
"Shut up Ki, I don't need that image in my brain."
"YOU shut up! I didn't even have that image in my brain until you said that! What is WRONG with you?"
"You're the one who said it!"
"You're the one who brought up Uncle Thorin!"
"Well you're the one who started talking about sex in the first place!"
Kili suddenly blushed. "I hope no one's overheard this conversation."
Fili looked around warily. "These stone walls are pretty thick."
"Well, you were yelling pretty loudly, Fi."
"Only to get it through your thick skull," Fili grinned, ruffling his brother's hair. "Well, Ki? You excited?"
They were interrupted by a knock on the door. "It's time to begin," said a gruff voice. The door opened, and Thorin walked in. "Well?" he asked. "You ready?"
Kili took a deep breath. "I can't believe this is real."
Thorin smiled when he saw his nephew's bright eyes and expression of amazement. "Come on then," he said, "you don't want to be late to your own wedding."