Remembered Fear
It was always the same; every difficult fight brought it all back to him.
Leo broken, lying on the floor of April's apartment. Leo near death; bundled on a dilapidated couch in a too cold room inside Casey's farmhouse, battered, bruised and beaten.
Donny transformed, the soft brown eyes replaced by ones filled with rage and unrecognizable because of it. The genius they loved and counted on completely unreachable; so close to being lost to them for good.
Mikey trapped; a victim of jealousy and magic, being pummeled by a giant more than five times his size. Caught in a vicious gambit that was as much about politics as about the grudge match itself.
Master Splinter, father and sensei, the strict disciplinarian and loving protector. Going missing without a clue to his whereabouts after being injured in a rooftop fight. The idea of his loss had been unbearable; the pain of losing the only one who truly understood him intolerable.
Watching the van that held his best friends Casey and April blown to smithereens right before his eyes. The knowledge that it was all a hallucination; a manipulation of his mind made it no less catastrophic.
So many near misses, too many close calls. His father had said that each physical battle carried with it an emotional one that oftentimes was the more difficult of the two.
Raphael understood that completely. His fists could handle the tangible threat, but his mind hadn't learned to deal with the other.
Home and safe for the moment, his tired and injured brothers tried to move away to their rooms but Raph wouldn't let them. Raph couldn't let them. He pulled all three onto the couch with him, insisting they stay close to him. He had to hear and feel the breath of life flowing through all of his siblings.
They understood and relaxed against each other, none voicing how much they needed the same thing. None of the three fought sleep as it overtook them; it was a blessed comfort.
Eyes closed, Raph cried silently. Each time they almost died added another memory to his tormented soul. Sometimes those memories welled up from the depths of his mind to haunt him.
Raph did not dwell on what might happen in the future; he wasted no time thinking of what ifs. Second guessing himself would have created an enemy far greater than those who were already aligned against him.
The future wasn't his greatest fear; his greatest fear was in his past. It was the fear that lingered without end; it was the remembered fear.