Until I Heal

"So," Jack sighed, leaning against the wall in that seductive manner he used whenever he was in the mood, "Gwen's safely home… with Rhys, and you and me… we're alone." Ianto looked nervously at the floor and gave a slight cough as Jack walked over. Ianto could feel Jack's strong arms snake their way around his own, effeminate shoulders, and a soft kiss plant itself on the nape of his neck.

All Ianto could do was giggle tenderly and he held one of Jack's hands. When Jack let go, Ianto could feel those hands slowly snake their way to his waist, and tug at his belt. Ianto smiled and pulled those hands away, turning and hugging the dark-haired, handsome man behind him. He could feel Jack's breath and heartbeat quicken as his hands gently tore of Ianto's jacket and made their way up and under his shirt.

"Jack," Ianto whispered carefully, "I can't." He took Jack's hands away from his body.

Jack had a hurt look in his beautiful blue eyes; "Why not?" He whispered, trying to cuddle, but again Ianto pushed him away- gently, he couldn't risk hurting Jack anymore than he had done already.

"I can't say." Ianto felt a lump knot itself in his throat. It's because I love you, but you don't love me. He turned away and began to walk out, but Jack grabbed his arm, bringing him to halt.

"Ianto," he whispered, cupping Ianto's caught hand in his manly grasp. "Why? You can tell me." Again, Jack hugged from behind, his arms snaking around Ianto's waist.

Oh God! Ianto thought. I'm going to fucking cry. I don't want to cry!

"Don't cry." Jack's voice was so soothing, Ianto felt so bad that he actually broke down there and then. He cried into Jack's shoulder, and Jack held him so lovingly that maybe… just maybe Ianto was wrong. Maybe Jack did love him after all…

"I think I know what may make you feel better." Jack said peacefully as Ianto stopped crying. As Jack started unbuttoning Ianto's shirt, Ianto had to push him away again.

Jack looked incredibly hurt. Ianto felt a gut-stabbing pang of guilt as he watched those beautiful blue eyes darken with pain.

"Oh God, Jack!" Ianto whined, hoping that pretending to be pissed of would make the guilt go away. "Don't cry!"

"Then tell me why we can't!" There was hurt in Jack's voice. A pain Ianto knew all too well… he just couldn't put Jack through it, not after Ianto had gone through the same thing with Lisa.

Lisa.

She'd died without ever knowing how much Ianto had loved her.

The pain came rushing back into Ianto, causing him to buckle down and cry… again. And again, Jack was there to hold him.

"Tell me, please." Jack pleaded.

Ianto regained himself and brought himself to look into Jack's eyes. "The truth is, we can't do it because… because…" he trailed off.

"Because of what?" Jack looked at Ianto, dreading filling him. Jack couldn't bear to lose someone he loved. He'd loved Estelle, and she'd died thinking that she'd loved his dad. It was complicated, but it was the best way to keep his contact with her. Then Gwen. Well, he thought he loved her, but she got engaged to Rhys and he'd realised it was just a silly crush. Now Ianto… Jack couldn't let Ianto get away. He cared about him too much, in the way that he would have given up his immortality to be with him until he died, but no matter what, Jack couldn't brace himself against the words coming from Ianto's beautiful lips.

"Jack, I love you." Ianto finally managed to breathe. Time dragged on and on, and the world drew on in slow motion as he continued; "But you don't love me."

"Oh God!" Jack felt his heart break. In a brief fit of mania, he grabbed Ianto and shook him. "You don't really think that, do you?" Jack was close to tears.

"How can I not?" Ianto screamed, sounding offended. He stepped back. "I'm just the fucking tea-boy, aren't I? You hardly show love to me in front of the others, unless we've just survived a fucking disaster! You only acknowledge me when you're horny and when you do… acknowledge me, you always fall asleep! Do you know how cheap and filthy that makes me feel, Jack? I love you, but you don't love me! After Lisa died, you gave my life meaning, but it's like you don't even care! Maybe Owen was right- I'm just your part-time shag, aren't I?"

"Ianto," Jack sighed, "of course I love you!" He held Ianto close, and breathed in his sweet smell of tangerine. "And don't ever call yourself a part-time shag. You're so much more than that."

"Then why won't you show it?" Ianto cried softly into Jack's shoulder.

"Because… oh, God! Ianto, I'm immortal!"

"What?"

"Ianto, you can spend the rest of your life with me," Jack lowered his voice to a softer tone and looked Ianto in the eyes; "but I can't spend the rest of mine with you. I hope you understand that."

Ianto was hurt beyond belief, but he didn't care. At least he knew that Jack loved him back. And, as they gently made love in Jack's office, Ianto swore that he heard Jack utter those words; "I love you."