Weeds

Is this something that I do? Is this the type of person I am? Someone who let the idea of bloody pleasure controls their desires and priority; yes and frankly I'm ok with it. The feeling of wanting something and not being able to have to it pleasures more than sex itself. It is almost like a drug, getting high at every chance I get, falling into my fantasy land of sadistic forestry. This time I'd be tied up, licked from my balls up to my neck, tiny kisses will be pleasuring me, tickling the head of my dick with her tongue making me cringe and curl my toes. She's stroking me, slowly spitting on my dick to lessen the friction, fondling my balls chilling my spine. I couldn't snap out of it, not until I got what I wanted and I'm happy again. She strokes and sucks until I cum…..

I snap out of it, numb to the push and shove that chased me into the forestry.

My mind is like a lawn, lush and green but dries at the edges where bad memories meet current distraught. My mind is filled with weeds, weeds that grow from internal insecurities and are fertilized by the suggestions and backlash of individuals. I believe that's how the sadistic forest gain life, it grew from weeds - trees and vines, to whips and chains, to sex and aggression, and became my solace. It's funny, funny how my solace from all pain is a place where pain is my pleasure…. After I cum, she uses her tongue and plays with my spillage, spits it on my dick as I blush with embarrassment. Cleaning up I thought it was over, still tied to the bed I'm recognizing the room's visuals; lit by black and red candles, the room had no furniture just the lonesome bed I was lying on and a shelf with all her ideas and devices. She walks over with one of the lit candles and dripped hot wax on my chest down to my stomach; I felt the pain but somehow music from an unknown source diluted my reaction, she licks her lips and whispered sultry "do you like that?", but I couldn't speak, I never could in the forest, but my eyes must have whispered yes because she strutted away looking pleased. Set on making me cum again; she unties me, giving me total control, telling me to do whatever I want and of course I took total advantage of the situation. Dramatically, I took a whip from her shelf and whipped her over 6 times and strangled her with it, but somehow it wasn't as pleasing as it would be if it were me in her position. I left the forest and for the first inflicted pain upon myself outside the forestry.

I told her to lick me – lick the head of my dick and suck on my balls just because it helps me to not think too much. I always over think everything, especially during sex, sometimes it'll be so distracting that I'll forget that my dick is someone's mouth – after sucking my balls I'll bring her up for a kiss, I didn't care that there would be an after taste of my dick. Kissing her neck, pulling her hair and grabbing wherever I wanted – I know she likes it because of her rhythmic panting almost like an in and out breathing replica of Coldplay's Yellow. This isn't the sadistic forest because I remember very vividly that night. She told me that she loved me and hope we'd remain friends forever, I didn't know what to say so I kissed her – this kiss was deeper than any other time we kissed, almost feeling like the stars were aligned or something pertaining to that bullshit – but it felt right. I ripped her spanks accidentally as I was trying to gain access to her pussy- it was almost like she didn't care because she kept on kissing me and stroking my dick, but I could tell that she was thinking about how she would explain this to her mother. She ripped my underpants seemingly on purpose, but the way she started sucking my dick makes me think maybe she was just eager to get it in her mouth. Over-thinking again I wondered if she thought I had a small penis, but her gags re-assured me that I didn't – again over-thinking I thought about how young and wild we are, almost like a movie where we're hiding from our parents and fucking with no meaning. I think my parents knew though, about what was going on, since every night we went upstairs my dad would give that look as if he were saying "fuck the shit out of her". And I did. Every fucking thing was different that night. It was not only sex, it was like we knew the world would end in any minute and we wanted to have one final goodbye – I was fucking her so hard with speed I didn't know I could, she was begging me to stop but I wouldn't because I knew she didn't want me to because in between every "please stop" there was a "fuck me".

I hated myself for some stupid fucking reason – she's a nice girl and I turned her into a crazed obsessive person. She was in too deep and she didn't understand it, she knew I didn't loved her but felt that she could earn my love by blowing and fucking me – she doesn't understand that I'm not sane enough to be a person or have feelings or experience emotion – she doesn't understand that half the time I'm lost and confused and the other half I'm in the sadistic forest – she doesn't understand that most times I want to die because I believe I'm asleep in a nightmare and when I die I'll wake up and things would be better – she doesn't understand that the image of me being a good guy with wonderful parents and life is just a façade to hide that there's nothing wonderful or good about my life, my parents or me – she doesn't understand who she is in love with. The lawn seems lush, but weeds pop up now and again, the edges are still dry but walls and pavements hide them – you'll only see the lush lawn. She says bring the cuffs.