Ending it with Liara was one of the hardest things Shepard had ever done. Liara had given her to Cerberus and turning her down still cut like a knife. The worst part was that she hadn't even broken it all off because of Cerberus – that would have made too much sense, she reflected with a grimace. Try as she might, Shepard couldn't be angry at Liara. She'd acted out of love and ignorance and sheer desperation, and the hell of it was, she had been right. What if I had stayed dead? she thought. What if the Illusive Man had never gotten his claws into me? She stroked the scars with her fingertips, feeling the faint glow of the implants like warmth under her skin. She had to admit that without her, they'd be pretty screwed. Who else would have been willing to do what she had done? She shut her eyes on Eve and Mordin's faces with a dull pang, another ache among hundreds now, it seemed.
Garrus maybe – if he'd managed to avoid getting himself killed on Omega without her to back him up. Her mouth tugged itself into a wry grin. That crazy sonofabitch. Maybe, if things had been different... Her smile faded. But no, she hadn't left one alien lover for another. A hand clenched around her heart. She hadn't abandoned one alien love for another... Shepard massaged her forehead and poured herself a finger of whiskey, elbows on her desk, glass on a heap of abandoned performance reviews. Visions of the daughters she and Liara might have had, might still – no, stop it Shepard. Just stop. She drank her whiskey off, wincing at the taste. It was a Salarian brew and made not so much a bow to the Earth beverage as an aimless salute in the general direction of the Local Cluster. There was no accounting for alien taste, although it beat the Batarian "wine" she'd picked up on the Citadel, which hit like vodka and went down about as smooth as turpentine. I never want a hangover like that again, she thought, pouring herself another drink – or two, she reflected, squinting at her glass.
No, she hadn't left Liara for the comfort of another alien's arms. She wrapped her fingers around her drink and stared blankly at her terminal, eyes unfocused, seeing Kaidan's battered profile in the med bay all those weeks ago. It was strange, an hour before he'd been tearing into her for dying – "I don't know what you are anymore" – she could still hear his voice, could see his untrusting eyes and the set of his shoulders. Jackass , she thought without rancor.
The last time she'd carried him back to the Normandy she'd been so young, it seemed, and he'd been even younger somehow, a sweet, brave, idealistic lieutenant with a crush on his CO, soft-eyed and ready to nuke himself to save them all. He was shot and bloody but conscious, panting but holding himself braced to make her job easier.
"You're bleeding on my armor, Alenko," she'd quipped. His laugh was cut off by the gunshot wound in his side.
"Sorry. We're almost there," taking the stairs quick and smooth, "have you fixed up in no time." Dr. Chakwas hurrying to help ease him onto the exam table, Kaidan's tight grin. She'd clapped him lightly on the shoulder and ducked out as the doctor began to strip off his armor.
But Mars... That synthetic lifting him up one-handed, seeing him dangling, helpless, half-hanged by by his own helmet. Had she yelled his name, or only thought it? She still couldn't remember. From the first blow she'd been sure he was dead. Without hope she had killed the Cerberus mech, and certainty lay like ice in the pit of her stomach as she gathered his limp body in her arms and slung him over her shoulders. He was bigger now, and a dead weight on her back, no active passenger this time. No choked-off laugh came in answer to her whispered prayers, no hand was braced against her back; his muscles lay slack under the hard shell of his armor. She couldn't feel his heartbeat through the plating, couldn't hear him breathing. Laying him down, getting his helmet off – time froze as she saw him draw breath. The scent of him washed over her – had she ever noticed it before? Under the blood and sweat was the smell of soap and his soft, black hair. It ripped through her, neck and neck with the knowledge that Kaidan living in that moment meant little without a doctor on board, that there might be nothing any doctor could do, that he might never wake again no matter how fast the Normandy could carry them to what remained of civilization. That realization plunged Shepard into a terrible silence that even Liara had trouble breaking.
She came shuddering back into time at Liara's frantic insistence, and gave orders half-thinking. Tearing herself away from Kaidan's side to speak to Hackett was impossible but she did it anyway, bringing what parts of her would come to answer the admiral's summons. She couldn't think about Alenko then, could hardly think at all, slamming down a wall between herself and her fear and setting it aside for later. The mission had to come first and it always did in the end, but – she wanted to deflect with platitudes, What is a commander without her crew? But later, alone in the darkened med bay, she poured herself a double with shaking hands.
It was a long and painful vigil, that endless night with Kaidan, watching his weary chest rise and fall, rise and fall. She breathed with him, searched his battered profile for any flicker of movement, checked his fluids, chafed his icy hands. No one interrupted her and she made no pretense of working. She put away most of her bottle that night, some dubious spacer concoction whose name she could neither pronounce nor remember how to spell. It didn't taste like much, and it got the job done.
Joker woke her over the comm as they approached the Citadel. She came awake in an instant with no hangover to speak of, drenched in terror that Kaidan had died while she slept. Freshening up in the med bay sink, the fruits of the night's thinking came clear in her mind. Kaidan wasn't just a former crewmate, he wasn't just a pretty face, nor an Alliance soldier, nor some old friend turned... who knew what. For better or for worse, she felt – something – he was – important. Precious. She wanted him back on her ship. She wanted him on her team, in her life – she wanted him.
Was it watching Earth fall that changed something in her? Was it Kaidan who had changed? Or was it just that seeing him die – nearly die – had shown her how much he'd always meant to her? She sipped her whiskey, pulling up her email and reading his message for the thousandth time.
Hey Shepard,
Thinking of you this morning. It was good – really good – to spend some time with you last night. If you're having a bad night, or just need to talk, buzz me on the comm, day or night. I'll come running.
- Kaidan
The thought came to her unbidden – Liara's not the only one I could have daughters with.
"No!" she said aloud. No. I can't. It's the whiskey talking. She drank it down in spite of her excuses, grimacing as it burned her throat, and poured herself another. The room swam pleasantly. She leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling to avoid staring at her comm panel.
"I'm too drunk to be calling him up," she said to the light fixture. "What is this, my first posting? Christ, now I'm talking to myself. Getting senile in your old age, Shepard." She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. The comm panel buzzed and she froze, then slapped a hand down to take the call without looking to see who it was.
"Hey, Commander." Shepard flushed warmly at the sound of Kaidan's voice.
"Kaidan! What can I do for you?" I am a giddy child with a schoolgirl crush, she thought, and the worst part is I don't even mind.
"I was hoping for a favor," he said.
"Shoot."
"I've got a migraine coming on, and the crew quarters are a little bright, a little loud, and I hate to wake Karin..."
"Please, come up for a bit if you like," she said, smiling. I'm a damn fool for this asshole, she thought glumly.
"I'm not interrupting your evening, am I?"
"I need some interrupting. Get your ass up here, Major."
"Yes ma'am." He signed off. Shepard could hear his grin. She rubbed a hand over a grin of her own and got up for a second glass.
She answered the rap at her door with a smile still tugging at her lips.
"Hey Kaidan."
"Hey, Shepard." He caught her around the waist with one arm as he stepped over the threshold and kissed her all in one easy motion. She turned with him, putting her back against the door as it hissed shut, letting him lean on her.
"I was serious about that migraine," he said. She brushed her nose against his, then her forehead, kissing his chin and jaw.
"I figured," she murmured. "I turned the lights down. Can I get you something? I've got booze, water, I can probably scrounge up some tea..."
"Water would be great," said Kaidan. "And bed... and you." He drew her away from the door, closer to him.
"You're easy to please," she said. He chuckled.
"Maybe not so easy. Of all the women in this galaxy, the great Commander Shepard – "
"Now you're just flattering me."
" – is the one I fall for," he continued, undaunted.
"Buttering up your CO, Alenko, will – "
He shut her up with a kiss. Heat flooded Shepard's body as his tongue slipped into her mouth. His hands were sliding over her back, caressing her shoulder blades, searching for a way under her coveralls. There were no pockets in his sweats to slip her fingers into so Shepard settled for just grabbing his ass, pressing his hips tight against her. Kaidan moaned into her mouth, cupping her neck and jaw in one calloused palm. His delicate touch on her skin made her weak at the knees.
"Let me know if you ever need any more favors, Kaidan," she said, rather breathless. He laughed.
"Okay." She curled her fingers at the nape of his neck, tugging his head down for a series of quick, clinging kisses. Kaidan broke away after a moment and gazed down at her, his eyes unfathomable in the dimness. He stroked her cheek with a gentle thumb. She stood on tiptoe to kiss him again and he pulled away teasingly; she groaned, thwarted.
"Didn't you promise me water?" Kaidan asked, a smile in his voice.
"And bed, as I recall," said Shepard, raising an eyebrow.
"I'm on it," he quipped. Shepard winced.
"Ooh, I'm too drunk for puns." Kaidan laughed aloud.
"Sorry Shepard." She kissed the notch in his breastbone, his mouth being out of reach.
"Meet you in bed in a minute then."
"Wait." He stooped to kiss her and she surged up to meet him. He caught his breath as their lips met and then his hand was behind her head, his tongue in her mouth again, and it was Shepard's turn to moan. They didn't separate until their hearts were hammering in time and their breath came ragged.
"Water," Shepard murmured, eyes still closed, her forehead pressed to his.
"Right," said Kaidan. He squeezed her briefly and then let go, turning toward the bed. Shepard paused at her desk, collecting their glasses and admiring her lover. To think I ever got bored of human men, she thought, shaking her head at her own folly. She took her time filling his glass, watching as he stripped off his t-shirt, enjoying the surge of muscles in his back, the shape of his arms, the strength of his shoulders. He turned and sat back on the bed, watching her approach with warm, brown eyes.
"Having fun?" he asked.
"Course I am," she said, handing him his water with a kiss. "You're here."
He tugged at the straps on her coveralls, trying to pull her down onto the bed beside him.
"Ah – " Shepard pushed him away. "Patience, Alenko." He leaned back with an indulgent look.
"Let me get the lights." She sauntered away, whiskey in one hand. Kaidan sighed.
"This is payback for not leaving our lunch back on the Citadel that day, isn't it?"
"If you like."
"You're mean, Shepard."
She flicked off the lights, noting how he seemed to relax in the dimness. His head must be hurting him already, she mused into her drink, picking her way back toward him in the dark. He held out a hand.
"Now will you join me?" Shepard pressed a single finger to his lips, setting down her glass. Kaidan kissed her fingertip, clasping her wrist in his hand, his eyes never leaving hers. She broke away, stepping back so the starlight gilded her in blue and silver. I'm just drunk enough to pull this off, she thought wryly, and reached for the zipper on her coveralls.
Shepard took her time with the clasps and buckles, letting gravity pull her clothes away until they lay in a pool at her feet. Kaidan's face was in shadow, but she could hear him breathing. She stepped into his reach again and he put his hands up to touch her, a palm warm on her hip and his fingers stroking their way around her waist. Her eyelashes fluttered. She turned, drawing a breath as his hands slid over her.
"Help me with this, would you?" she said, slipping a finger under her bra strap. Her voice came out low and breathy, surprising her with its hunger. Kaidan's light touch on her back made her heart pound. He kissed the spot where the band had been, and she shut her eyes as the feel of his tongue on her skin sent heat pouring down her spine. She let the bra fall and Kaidan caught her around the waist, pulling her down onto his lap, kissing her neck. He held her tight against him; all Shepard could do was tangle her fingers in his hair and moan as he caught a nipple between his fingers.
"Harder," she whispered, and the gentle tug at her breast became a pinch almost before she'd finished speaking. She gasped as the slight, stinging pain set a rush of adrenaline through her, and Kaidan sank his teeth into her neck with an eager groan, his arm locked over her hips. He nipped at her shoulder and Shepard gave a little whimper of pleasure, everything else forgotten as she melted against him. Kaidan ran his tongue up the rim of her ear, sucked at an earlobe.
"I've wanted to do this for so long," he whispered. His stubble was rough and ticklish against her neck; it was a moment before Shepard could speak at all.
"Oh, Kaidan," she rasped, turning in his unresisting arms to kiss him full on the mouth, holding his face between her hands. "I want – " She struggled to shift her body to straddle him, but he thwarted her again by pulling her down onto the mattress beside him.
They lay there together, Shepard's breasts pressed against his chest; she slid a hand over his bicep as he caressed her ass and thigh. She curled a leg around his waist, their lips just touching, teasing each other with the promise of kisses. His cock was hard under his sweats, pressed against her through a few thin layers of cloth. Shepard rubbed herself against it, fighting the urge to shove Kaidan onto his back and take him, mindful of his headache. She felt his cock jump against her as she kissed his neck, nipping at the skin below his ear He stroked the soft stubble on her head, panting with desire. She slipped a finger under his waistband and Kaidan shifted, tugging his pants lower down his hips. Shepard filled her hand with his ass, feeling his muscles flex as he pressed himself closer to her, his cock taut against her thigh.
"So," she gasped, "I'm guessing you can – "
"Yeah. It helps with the headaches, actually." She brushed her fingers against his brow.
"You should have told me sooner," she murmured. He laughed, but his eyes burned to match the fire inside her. Shepard slid her hand over his neck, down his chest, fingers caressing his stomach before slipping under his waistband, brushing against his pubic hair.
"Wait, Shepard – " She hurriedly withdrew, resting an apologetic hand against his chest. Kaidan took her hand and held it, kissing the palm, making Shepard shut her eyes in pleasure. The naked desire and joy she saw in his face might have frightened her three years ago, but now all she could do was kiss him hard between her fingers. Kaidan gathered her against him as though he might never hold her again.
"Shepard, maybe it's old-fashioned of me, maybe it's silly, but I want to wait. Not on everything, obviously," she felt the heat of his gaze on her bare, starlit skin and grinned, "but there's at least one thing I don't want to do yet." He ran a gentle thumb along her jaw. "Maybe you'll say that's arbitrary or sexist, but – "
"Hey, whoa, no it's not." Shepard pulled back a little, looking him in the eye. "If you don't want to do something, it won't happen. Besides," she smiled, "I think it's kind of sweet." She saw his face crack into a grin in the dimness.
"I should have known you'd say that."
"Reading my mind is your job, after all." She kissed him deeply, basking in his nearness.
"Oh, Shepard," he murmured. "You are so precious to me."
"So are you, Kaidan. I... don't know how I could do this without you." He pulled her closer.
"Thank god, you don't have to." She clung to him for a moment, every limb wrapped around him, never wanting to let go. He crushed her against him in answer. For the first time in years, she felt completely safe.
"I'll always be here, Shepard," he whispered. "Always." She couldn't speak, so she kissed him as hard as she could. He bore it a moment before breaking away, wincing and rubbing his head.
"Sorry," she murmured. Kaidan flopped onto his back, one hand over his eyes.
"Damn L2," he said through gritted teeth. Shepard stroked his chest, kissing his sternum. He caressed the back of her head with one hand, keeping his eyes covered. She began to work her way down his stomach, trailing kisses over his skin like gold. He drew a slow breath as she passed his belly button, tickling her nose with his treasure trail. His soft laugh caught in his chest as she slipped his pants down over his hips and his cock sprang free of the elastic waistband, hard and eager. It was fragile, perfect, flushed and aching for her, the warm, brown skin of the broad head like silk against her lips. He's the perfect size for me, she thought, tangling her fingers in his pubic hair and taking him into her mouth.
Shepard felt rather than heard Kaidan's groan as she sank down over him til the head of his cock just tickled the back of her throat. She sucked gently, slowly increasing the pressure as she moved her mouth up and down over him, stroking her tongue against the sensitive underside of his shaft. Kaidan's hand still rested lightly on the back of her head; he seemed to have forgotten about it. Shepard stole a glance up at him: he lay back, only the curve of his jaw visible to her, but he breathed in time with her caresses, and his hand lay slack over his face as he lost himself in her touch. She smiled, swirling her tongue against the head of his cock.
"Oh god, Shepard..." he gasped, reaching down to clasp her shoulder. She felt his fingers stroking the back of her head, absorbed in the downy feel of her shorn hair. She took all of him into her mouth again, wanting him to fill her, to be as close to him as possible. His breath came harsh and ragged as she drew him into her, her lips and tongue never quite willing to let go as she stroked up and down his shaft. Shepard could feel wetness gathering between her thighs as Kaidan's fingers tightened convulsively on her shoulder; she began to move against him, her breasts pressing against his legs, moaning on his cock, stroking his balls with her fingertips, catching at his hips with her free hand. Kaidan cried out; he seemed to be groping for her name with the tongue of a man gone long past speaking. She felt his cock convulse inside her and plunged her lips down the full length of him, stroking him with her tongue and sucking hungrily. He shuddered, his whole body wracked with pleasure, his fingers locked around her shoulders, coming deep inside her. They were both crying out, neither of them aware of it; Shepard was lost in Kaidan's orgasm, shuddering with the need to touch him and to feel his touch.
At last the tremors subsided. Kaidan collapsed onto the mattress, completely relaxed, eyes shut, tired and blissful. Shepard withdrew somewhat regretfully, sucking the last drops of semen from his silken cock, making him sigh. She crawled up the bed to lie on top of him, underwear drenched, nipples aching at the tickle of his chest hair. She nestled under his chin, smiling as she kissed his breastbone; Kaidan wrapped an arm around her, trailing delicate fingers up and down her side. He kissed her hair.
"God," he breathed.
"Feel better?"
"Yeah. Christ, I feel incredible." He gave her a gentle squeeze, his palm warm against her ribs. Shepard reached up, slipping an arm under his head, kissing him on the mouth. Kaidan wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him. Suddenly his grip tightened, and he rolled them over as she yelped in surprise. Together they kicked off his sweats and then he dropped down onto her, letting her feel his weight on top of her for the first time.
Shepard's whole body was on fire for him. She felt protected, free to trust him, to let go of control and surrender to his touch. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he kissed her neck. Kaidan clasped her hand where it lay on the sheet, lacing their fingers together. Shepard rubbed her thumb against his knuckle, eyes fluttering shut. He sucked on her collarbone and she sighed blissfully.
"I don't think I've ever seen you this relaxed," he murmured in her ear.
"I can't even remember the last time I felt like this."
He kissed her slowly; Shepard savored every breath of it, every caress, the softness of his lips, his teeth light against her skin, the feel of their legs twining together in the sheets. Kaidan kissed her cheeks, her forehead, her fingertips, the end of her nose, making her laugh. She could feel his smile against her skin as he returned his attention to her neck, biting her til she was breathing hard, her hand clamped tight around his.
"My turn," he murmured in her ear. He drew away from her and she flinched at the cool air on her skin, then gasped as his mouth closed around her nipple. Kaidan stroked her breasts, biting her gently, then harder, til Shepard's back was arched and her toes were curling against his thighs. He kissed her belly; she tangled her fingers in his hair, eyes closed, lost in his touch. The heat of his hand slipping into her underwear sent a wave of warmth through her.
"Fuck," he rasped, feeling the wetness between her legs. The sound of his voice burned through her and she looked down at him; Kaidan was caught up in his need for her, lifting her hips with one hand and dragging her underwear off with the other. Shepard hooked a leg over his shoulder, pulling herself off the mattress, closer to him. He laid her down carefully, openmouthed, parting her pubic hair with deft fingers, and then his mouth was on her pussy, hot and wet and soft.
It was Shepard's turn to drop back onto the pillows, eyes fluttering shut, heart pounding as he sucked at her clitoris, stroking her with a gentle tongue. She gasped, moans catching in her throat as the pleasure rolled over her in waves. She clung to two fistfuls of sheets and blankets, her back arching, Kaidan's warm hand clasping her hips. Her legs were around him, her feet tense, toes curling against his back; she had entirely forgotten them. She was crying out, only half-aware of it, lost in the sensation of his mouth on her. He groaned into her pussy, eyes shut, breathing hard as he pleasured her. The vibrations made her breathe deep, heat building slowly somewhere inside her.
Shepard wanted him, all of him, she craved it, and gritted her teeth against the need to beg for his cock. She could feel herself flexing against his tongue, her clitoris baring itself to Kaidan's touch. He stroked her hard, increasing the pressure til she flinched from it and he retreated back to something she could bear. He was running his tongue up and down the full length of her pussy; Shepard was swollen, sensitive, every part of her flushed and aching for him. She drew breath in time with his caresses, unaware of her responsiveness to him, her body utterly given over to pleasure. She trusted him in her flesh and bones, unthinking, entirely vulnerable and completely safe. Kaidan sucked at her hungrily, drawing moans from her throat that turned into tearing cries as he flicked his tongue against her. Shepard's back arched, her lip caught between her teeth, ecstasy building inside her.
"Oh god, Kaidan, I – " The rest was lost as she came, her fingers locked in the blankets, her whole body shuddering. It seemed to last for hours, wave after wave of orgasm cresting over her and breaking somewhere deep in her body. Kaidan was groaning against her, feeling her spasms of pleasure against his tongue. He didn't release her til her feet were twitching convulsively against his back, and her cries had turned to helpless whimpers. She caught her breath as she felt his mouth leave her, her muscles relaxing against the pillows.
Shepard lay there, hardly able to move, so exhausted that every limb seemed weighted with lead. Kaidan settled himself between her thighs, kissing her ribs gently and resting his head just below her breasts. He stroked her side with his fingertips, making her sigh contentedly at the caress. She could feel his smile against her belly.
"How was that?" Kaidan murmured.
"Kiss me." It came out as a whisper. He crawled up over her, kissing her mouth softly. Shepard dragged a hand up off the mattress to hold his head, running her fingers through his hair. She sucked at his tongue, tasting herself on his lips. Kaidan rested himself on top of her. She loved his weight above her, the warmth of him, the shelter of his arms. He kissed her forehead, her closed eyes.
"That okay?"
"Kaidan, it was... incredible." Shepard opened her eyes, reaching up to stroke his cheek. "God, I feel so good."
"I'm glad." He bent his head to kiss her. Shepard wrapped her arms around his neck, never wanting the moment to end. His nearness, the feel of his skin, his harsh stubble, his soft hair, the smell of him, all sent ripples of contentment through her. He nestled his head against her shoulder; she could feel his breath warm on her jaw.
"Kaidan?" she murmured.
"Hmm?" He sounded sleepy.
"I love you."
He propped himself up on his elbows to look down at her, his dark eyes searching her face. He reached up to stroke her brow, frowning.
"Shepard..."
"What?"
"You don't have to just say that. It's okay."
"You don't believe me?" She started up, shocked.
"You're drunk, you said it yourself, and... look, it's really okay."
"No, Kaidan! I'm not just drunk and – I wouldn't just say that. Hey. After everything we've been through, everything, Sovereign, Horizon, Mars , the work we've done together, the things we've said – do you really think I would lie to you? About this ?" The hurt was clear in her voice. "You really think that little of me?" She could feel tears gathering behind her eyes. Goddamn it, he's making me fucking weepy. I'm turning into a goddamn crybaby and this asshole doesn't even believe I, I love him. The words rang in her head like bells. I love him. God, I love him so much, and he still doesn't trust me.
"I – " Kaidan sat up, kneeling between her thighs. Shepard pushed herself up against the headboard, chewing on the inside of her cheek to keep her lips from trembling. Her body felt miserably cold without his warmth above her. She saw his face change – fuck, he noticed – from wary to concerned, to... frightened? He cupped her face in his hands, staring deep into her eyes.
"No. No, Shepard, I don't think – god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She wrapped her hands around his wrists, losing the battle to keep her face steady. Kaidan kissed the tears on her lips, stroking her cheeks dry once, twice. He pressed his forehead to hers, embracing her as she shook.
"I love you too, Shepard," he whispered fiercely. "I love you so much . I've loved you for so long that – hearing you say it, I – it scared me." She wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him hard. He pulled her tight against him and she curled her legs over his thighs, clinging to him with every limb, her lips pressed to his, unwilling to break the embrace for anything. He rubbed her back, holding her until she stopped trembling.
"I love you," she whispered. "I love you, I love you."
"I love you too." He smiled into her shoulder. "I never thought I'd get to say it but god, yeah, I love you too." She relaxed against him, letting out a breath she hadn't even felt herself holding.
"Don't ever scare me like that again."
"I won't, I swear to god. Jesus, Shepard, look at me. I am so sorry." He let out a frustrated breath. "Do you want me to explain?" She nodded.
"I've... I had a crush on you, when we first served together, you know that. And you were with Liara then, and that was fine, I was glad for you. Really."
"It was a long time ago, Kaidan."
"I know. Look, I'm not jealous of Liara. This is the 22 nd century, and besides, Liara's great. Of course you fell for her. That's not the point." He held her shoulders gently, staring into Shepard's eyes. "Working with you, watching you command, what you did... I don't ever want you to think I think little of you, Shepard. I look up to you. As a soldier, as a commander, as a human being. You're a hero. You're my hero. You've done incredible things, things no one else could do, you've survived things that would have destroyed me, hell, you've taken down enemies that damn near killed me."
"But I – " He pressed his fingers to her lips.
"Shut up, love. I'm not done." She grabbed his hand, kissing it fiercely before he could reclaim it. Kaidan smiled sadly, sighed, and moved up the bed to sit beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She nestled against him, leaning her forehead into the curve of his neck. He stroked her hair.
"I fell in love with you during the fight against Sovereign, Shepard. I don't know when it happened. I tried to just let it be a crush and focus on the mission, but when you went down to Ilos... You took your ground team through the Conduit and you were gone, there was nothing I could do to help you. There was nothing any of us could do. We were trapped on the ship, waiting for word. God, I was terrified that you wouldn't make it. I was out of my mind. I'm not a pilot. All I could do during that battle was think, swinging in my damn safety harness, remembering Ash, knowing how much worse it would be to lose you.
"When I heard that they'd found you alive, it was like my heart stopped. That fight shook me, Shepard. I had to admit I was in love with you after that, it had been staring me in the face for so long. And then six months later, you were dead." He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her tight. She rubbed his chest, stroked his jaw. He kissed her hair, clinging to her. She could feel him trembling.
"I was wrong about one thing though." His voice was rough, his heart pounding under her hand. "Losing you was worse than I could ever have imagined. God, Shepard, I grieved for you. We all did. Liara tortured herself over leaving you on the ship – I always thought Asari took these things so philosophically, but losing you broke her heart. Did you know Turians can cry? I didn't. Not the way we do, but I never thought I'd see the day that Garrus Vakarian broke down and fucking wept into his drink. Joker blamed himself for all of it, Karin and Liara had to make him do the PT and take his meds." He let out a shuddering breath.
"I was in tears at your funeral. Liara stood there with me. She asked me if I'd loved you, too. We spent a night swapping stories about you. But... you were gone. Garrus disappeared. Liara left for Asari space the next morning, she said she couldn't stand it, seeing anyone in uniform made her heart stop. Karin was working for the Alliance, keeping an eye on Joker. I just buried myself in my career. Then there was the promotion, my special ops work, Biotics Division... Two years, Shepard. I dated a few people, this guy in the Medical Corps, even an Asari. They're really something, aren't they?"
"Yeah. All of them, incredible... people. 'Women' doesn't even begin to cover it."
"No kidding. But even Jotaia couldn't touch you, not for me. I kept telling myself it was ridiculous, that nothing ever even happened between us, that I had to let it go. Time helped. Work helped. And then the rumors came that you were still alive, or had been resurrected. I didn't believe them at first. It sounded insane, you know? I couldn't believe you were back from the dead, and I wouldn't believe that you'd faked your own death and left us all to mourn for so long. And then, there you were on Horizon, with a Cerberus crew at your back.
"I thought you'd gone into hiding. I thought you'd been lying to us all, letting your friends suffer while you did Cerberus' dirty work. Cerberus ! After Akuz, too – god, I was so angry. I'd spent so long loving you, so long missing you, and then hearing these crazy rumors that just seemed like horrible lies. And then I thought I had proof that they were true, that you'd betrayed us. I felt like I'd been wrong about you all along." He pressed his face into her hair.
"It took time for the facts to surface. It took me awhile to calm down enough to believe them, to start to get an idea of what had actually – what Cerberus had really done to you. And until you told me, I didn't really get it. People don't know what happened. Well. I won't repeat the rumors to you."
"I've heard them," she said grimly.
"I know. I'm so sorry, Shepard. I thought you saw them as your saviors, I thought you were grateful to Cerberus. I didn't know how they trapped you, or how the Illusive Man manipulated you and used you. When you turned the Normandy over to the Alliance and went back to Earth, I mean you were walking straight into a court martial, and I realized I might have been wrong about you. Everything I'd assumed, all my hurt feelings – I hadn't had the facts. I wanted to see you, but they wouldn't let me. I admit I didn't try too hard. I was afraid to face you, I was scared of what you'd say. I had so many questions, but I couldn't just waltz in there and dump all this on you. I was terrified of being wrong again. I guess that's why I pressed you so hard on Mars. I know I was wrong to do that. At the time I just – I had to know. I was still so angry, it wasn't rational but I was furious with you for dying, for leaving us, and for not running back to the Alliance, to me, the minute you took the Normandy out of dock.
"This whole thing, the Reapers, that fucking snake Udina... Some days I can hardly believe you're really back, Shepard. Some days I wake up and the first thing I remember is your death and it hits me all over again. I don't have the dreams like you do, but I wake up rattled from nightmares that you've had a Cerberus chip in your head all along."
" Christ ," Shepard rasped. She could hardly breathe as the old, familiar terror swamped her.
"I'm sorry, love. I know you have those dreams too." Kaidan pulled her into his lap and rocked her back and forth, his arms wrapped around her. He kissed her forehead. "You're not a Cerberus plant. They don't own you, they can't control you. You're just you, you're Shepard, my commander, the greatest hero the galaxy could ever hope for. And I love you. I'll always love you, no matter what happens. Shepard, I swear I'll never doubt you again." She buried her face in his shoulder, curling up in his arms.
"I was... I said what I said because I never really believed you could love me, til now. I've spent so long dreaming about hearing you say those words... Being with you is one thing, sleeping with you is one thing, but your love? I guess I started to think of it as unattainable for me. I never felt like I deserved you. You're such an incredible person, Shepard. I'm just a soldier. You've been my CO, a ghost, a legend, a goddess. I guess I forgot you were a person. I'm so used to you being unreachable. I'm still learning how to be your – your partner." He leaned his cheek on her hair. "Does that make sense?" Shepard slipped an arm around his neck.
"I never meant to cause you so much pain, Kaidan."
"None of it was your fault," he murmured. "Most of it was mine. I made up a lot of things to be angry about."
"No. It was the Reapers' fault, and the Illusive Man's. Not yours."
"I should have trusted you."
"You were in a tough position. If I were in your shoes, if you died and then showed up years later wearing Cerberus colors, I would've been just as suspicious."
"I'm just sorry for all the things I've said. I know I hurt you. I don't ever want to do that again."
"Couples fight."
"This was different. Mars was different. I'm done doubting you, Shepard. I can't respect you and honor you if my hackles go up every time I get scared of losing you again." She kissed his neck, holding onto him tight.
"Thank you," she said. His arms were tense around her, his face pressed into her hair, his eyes screwed shut. She felt a tear slip down her temple.
"I missed you so much." His voice was shaking.
"Oh, Kaidan." She wrapped her arms around him and he buried his face in her shoulder, crying silently.
"I'm here. I'm here now, love. We're finally together, we're home and safe." She stroked his hair. "Whatever dangers we have to face, from now on I promise we'll face them together. I won't leave you in the dark ever again." She shut her eyes wearily. "I wish I could have found a way to survive, Kaidan. I tried. God, I tried. I didn't want to go. I didn't want Cerberus to..."
"I know," he whispered.
"I'm just so glad you made it off the ship that day. I'm so glad you're okay, and here, with me, right now." She kissed his shoulder. "I love you, you asshole. God, I love you." He laughed into her neck.
"I am an asshole, aren't I."
"A little bit. But so am I. We make a good team." He was smiling now.
"Yeah. Yeah, we do," he said.
They fell asleep curled up together at the head of the bed in a nest of pillows and comforter, arms wrapped around each other. Kaidan dropped off first, completely exhausted, but Shepard lay awake for some time, watching his peaceful face under the light of the stars outside. When she slept at last, her dreams were haunted by Reapers as she staggered from nightmare to nightmare, searching desperately for a way out, just trying to stay alive, looking for Kaidan, unwilling to leave him again. At last she slipped into a peaceful slumber, never waking to feel him rubbing her back and murmuring reassurances in her ear. She woke the next morning to find their hands clasped on the pillow between them. He was fast asleep, smiling softly as he dreamed, and Shepard didn't have the heart to wake him.