Lost Along The Way
It was over. After 7 years of constant struggle and battle Harry Potter finally vanished the Dark Lord Voldemort. The final battle at Hogwarts seemed to go on for weeks, while in reality it only lasted a couple of hours. Even though it was over, it still was rather difficult to find anyone being truly ecstatic about it. They had all lost so very much. The final battle alone took Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Nymphodora Tonks and Severus Snape, just to name a few. Victory was achieved, but the cost was high and everyone struggled to get past the few years in darkness they had just overcome.
After Neville destroyed the final horcrux, Voldermort's loyal snake Nagini, the battle didn't last must longer. Harry faced Voldemort for the final time, a true one-on-one battle.
The others all but stopped at the sight of the two powerful wizards going at each other.
Voldemort for all his power was baffled that Harry managed to escape death once more. Finally everyone saw that even Lord Voldemort, You-Know-Who, Heir of Slytherin, knew fear. And the cause of that fear was a 17 year old orphan, who hated the attention his fame brought him and was too shy when it came to going after what he wanted for himself. He who lost everything to the man he was facing, who so willingly sacrificed himself if it meant the end of Voldemort. It was Harry Potter who caused the greatest Dark Wizard of all time to flinch, to cower and finally fall.
Everyone wanted to be near Harry after the last piece of Tom Riddle simply was blown away by the wind. Harry didn't want any of it. He did what he thought had to be done, and was quite frankly over everything else. So he pulled away from the incoming masses who wanted to congratulate their saviour and disapparated away to the top of the astronomy tower, which was fortunately saved from the great amounts of destruction the Death Eaters caused on the castle. He didn't want to be hailed as the greatest man since Merlin, especially since being ridiculed so often by the same masses who declared him to be their saviour just slightly less often over the years. He didn't even want to speak to his best mate, Ron Weasley, or to his best friend and if he was honest with himself the one he loved most in the world, namely one Hermoine Granger.
Harry had wanted to be more with her for so long, he couldn't even remember when it started. Certainly before Voldemort's resurrection though. And even though it became less and less likely that she even saw him that way over time, he still held out hope. For without that hope he would've lost the war after Sirius's death at the end of his fifth year. But during sixth year, when Hermoine retreated herself from him and became colder towards him, he started to realize it would never happen. She would never view him as something more, it was Ron who had captured her heart.
At that moment he started to prepare himself mentally for them being together. Harry started studying more, even getting good grades in Potions. He started dating Ginny, who he loved dearly but wasn't in love with, and tried to make it work for so long as he could. But after Dumbledore's death it didn't seem as important any more, and he broke it off with Ginny. Everyone, including her, expected them to get back together now that the war was over. However Harry had no intention to do that. He knew he couldn't love her as she deserved to be loved, he wasn't sure he ever could have. Because of that it wouldn't be fair to either of them to do as was expected of him. Especially with Ron and Hermoine who would surely be together by now. He wouldn't be able to pretend to be one big happy family after everything that had happened. Harry didn't think they had noticed, but he saw their big, ''epic kiss during the battle. It was the final push he had needed to be able to surrender himself to Tom willingly. The final nail in the coffin of his once hope-filled heart. He wouldn't be able to see that everyday and still function normally. So he decided that he would leave. Turing seventeen gave him access to all the money he could ever want, two dozen houses scattered around the world and even a personal assistant Goblin at Gringots. Griphook would be able to handle all of his affairs here while he would be free to go wherever he wanted. Still hadn't decided what that was exactly, but fortunately he had all the time in the world. Yes, today would be the last time anyone in Britain would fawn over, The-Boy-Who-Lived-Then-Went-Crazy-Only-To-Be-Prove n-Sane-And-Vanquished-The-Dark-Lord or something equally elegant..
He felt ready to leave it all behind. The hurt and loneliness, the despair and fear and even the anger and sadness over all that had happened. It was truly the end for him. If only he wasn't so nervous to find out what came next, without Hermoine by his side, Harry thought while staring out of the tower, overseeing all of Hogwarts.
It was during that exact thought that Hermoine found him. She had been looking all over the grounds searching for him after she saw how he defeated Voldeypants. Unfortunately he seemed to have disappeared before she could find him. After checking the Marauders Map she finally managed to locate him. She stopped and looked at Harry for a minute or two. He was bleeding from scratches all over his body, he looked like he rolled around in dirt for the past three weeks straight and above all she thought he looked very tired and well beyond his 17 years. He also seemed truly sad about something ever since before he left to face Riddle. Trying to figure out Harry had become something Hermoine was normally very good at, but she was at a complete loss this time. She shrugged it, figuring it was the loss of a few more that weighed on him so much, while still feeling like she was missing something big.
Harry had felt it the moment Hermoine had entered the tower. He had that ability for a while now, and while normally he would be truly happy that she came looking for him, he just wasn't this time. It would make it all so much harder than it needed to be.
Deciding he needed to get it over with and make a clean break in order to ever have the tiniest chance of moving on, he spoke without turning around to look at her:
''Hermoine, what are you doing here?'' he asked, his voice hollow and quit.
Hermoine was startled for a moment by the fact that Harry had known she was there, and then grew irritated at him for asking that. She responded in an overly cheery voice she didn't recognize and said:
''Looking for you, off course. Why don't you come down with me to see everyone? The Weasley's have been asking for you, others as well. Besides you've been her for 3 hours already!''
Harry sighed, still not turning around, and just whispered:
''No thanks, not today. Someday maybe, but that day hasn't arrived yet.''
Hermoine was shocked by his response and asked loudly:
''What are you talking about? It's fine if you don't want to see them today, I'd get that, but surely you'll be down by tomorrow?''
Hermoine had moved towards him while they were talking, but stopped abruptly as soon as she heard his whispered response: ''No, I won't''.
Finally Hermoine couldn't take it any more, raising her voice she said: What do you mean you won't?!''
Harry just sighed again, thinking that it was a bad idea to tell her but he didn't seem to be able to stop himself from uttering softly: ''I won't see them tomorrow because I won't be back here after today''.
Hermoine had finally closed the distance between them and stopped right next to Harry, staring at him trying to figure it all out while he still didn't look away from his view over the Hogwarts grounds. Finally deciding she couldn't find a sign he wasn't serious she asked:
''Why won't you be back here after today? Harry, what are you saying?'' her voice leaving no room for delaying the crux of the conversation any longer.
Harry answered her in a broken tone: ''I won't be back here because I can't do it any more. Because I'm not strong enough. Because I'm not able to pretend everything is okay and I'll be happy to marry Ginny and become an auror or Minister of Magic or any of it. I've done it for far too long, it ends tonight.''
Hermoine was growing more confused by the minute, now sure that she had missed something big. But she still couldn't tell what he meant, was it the press or the attention? And what about marrying Ginny?
After a small period of silence while trying to understand what Harry was saying she finally asked in a slightly panicked tone: ''Harry, what are you talking about? What can't you take any more?'' Seeing that he wasn't about the answer she whispered quietly: ''Please tell me what's going on? I'm your best friend, you can tell me
everything. Harry, please?''
Hearing her start to break down caused Harry to finally turn his head and look at her. Mesmerized by the fact she was still beautiful even while covered in dirt. Finally letting all the pain and agony shine trough in his eyes he answered: ''It's funny, you always were the only one who could get me to open up. Guess some things never chance.'' Steeling himself for what he was about to say, he swallowed once and said:
''I love you, Hermoine. I'm in love with you, I mean. Been so for a long time now. So I can't stay here, because I can't pretend any longer that it doesn't hurt that I'm left alone once again, pretending it doesn't kill me to see Ron get what I love most in the world even if he deserves it. That after the people get over the fact that Riddle is gone, I will have nothing. I have to leave because if I don't I'll die a little every day from this day forward. I have to go, because if the first time is any indication I'll willingly walk towards my own death every time I'll see you and Ron kiss. I'm leaving because I can't seem to get over you, nor do I seem to want to while I'm around you. I'm leaving because if I don't being in love with you while I can't have you will keep destroying me until there's nothing left to love. That's what I can't take any more, 'Moine. That what I'm not strong enough for. What I've been fighting against for years now, hoping that you'd notice me in that way, but knowing I would get lost along the way. I have to go to make sure you'll at least be happy.
You deserve that much, I owe you that much at least. So live your life, be happy with Ron and don't worry about me. Maybe I'll see you in another life, maybe things could be different. I love you with everything I am and I don't think anything could ever change that.
Remember that, 'Moine. Remember me for who I am and I will be okay. We've come a long way together, and I never wanted it to end.''' almost whispering the end of his speech.
Hermoine and Harry both had tears running down their cheeks. Harry slowly leaned in and kissed her softly, lingering there for a few moments just taking everything in before whispering in her ear: ''Tell Ron that he can kick my arse for that if he ever runs into me again. I just always wanted to know what it was like to kiss you'' Slowly moving away he saw she still wasn't going to say anything and decided that he'd better leave before any more people barge in and demand to see him. He locked his eyes with Hermoine for one last time, just taking her in and storing all the little things he could notice about her away for later and finally said''
Bye, 'Moine, always remember I love you''. He then picked up his backpack with all his possessions, everything he would miss and started walking towards the smashed open window on the far side of the room.
Hermoine was still processing everything Harry had told her. She started remembering certain signs that showed how much he loved her. Even in sixth year while she was horrible to him he still let her cry on his shoulder over the fact that Ron was snogging with Lavender. Or while they where alone in the tent during the winter after Ron had walked out on them again and she just cried for days over him, while Harry took care of her. She remembered seeing the agony in his eyes when he thought she wasn't looking. It all made sense now. Harry Potter was in love with her and it was destroying him piece by piece. Thinking back she couldn't believe how inconsiderate she had been towards him, even though she hadn't known yet. She remembered how in love she had been with him during fifth year. How she had desperately tried to hide it from everyone and then decided over the summer that she was in fact in love with Ron, and what she felt for Harry was just familial love rather than romantic, knowing that wasn't the case but willing herself to believe it anyhow. Looking back she couldn't even remember why she did that. Maybe because she didn't think she was good enough or because Harry had kissed someone during the school year. Maybe it was neither. Hermoine was getting more confused by the minute, until Harry's last words finally hit her with full force. He was leaving for good. Still not sure what to say she just yelled out: ''Harry wait!'' But Harry just turned around, gave a watery smile and put his hands in the air. Fawkes appeared in a ball of fire above his head. Harry grabbed hold of her tail feathers, mouthing a final I love you and vanished in a great explosion of fire with Fawkes. Hermoine fell to the ground, unable to hold up any longer and started crying loudly. She gasped as a realization hit her at full force. While she had proven she could in fact live without Ron, that she wouldn't be destroyed by his absence, she realized that being without Harry would do that. Harry was her one constant and now he was gone. She cried out louder as she came to the realization of what that meant. She whispered it quietly, finally acknowledging what should have been obvious al along. She whispered it again and again, making it her whole world. Her one truth she could no longer deny.
''I love you too Harry. I love you too''