Wanna Buy a …?
Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.
Rated- Pg-13.
April had come down to our home to warn us about a sleazy character that had been seen roaming Central Park the last few evenings. The guy was reported to lure females to him and then when they drew near would expose himself saying " Wanna buy a …" At which point most females would turn and run.
" This guy doesn't seem to be all there if you know what I mean. The sort of person whose elevator isn't going all the way to the top floor" April explained as she filled us in on the perpetrator.
I was sitting on the floor and gave her a large grin " You mean the wheel is spinning but the hamster has died?" I asked cheerfully.
Suddenly I felt the sharp stinging rap of our Master's walking stick on my shoulder blade
" OW Sensei" I complained.
" This could be serious Michelangelo I suggest you pay attention" Splinter rebuked me sharply.
I really should have known better Splinter was not one for rodent jokes of any kind he tended to take them a bit too personally.
" Splinter is right Mike, this guy could only be trying to work himself up towards committing rape and I'd rather catch him before it does go that far." Leo chastised me giving me his icy stare.
That look our commanding leader gave I knew quite well it was his why don't you grow up and act your age look. Second only to the look he reserved explicitly for Raphael the why don't you stop being selfish and start being responsible look.
I was pretty tired of the look he was giving me. I saw nothing wrong in having a little fun once in awhile, life was not meant to be all seriousness. Our leader however felt that fun and games were a hard crime and should be outlawed. Far as I was concerned our noble leader just needed to learn the fine art of relaxing and doing nothing but enjoy life for what it was.
" So what does he look like April?" Raph asked her. He was sprawled on the couch a semi bored look on his face. One sai was out and he was using the longest prong as a toothpick.
Dental hygiene with a deadly weapon nothing quite like it!
" Well he wears a brown overcoat and a hat pulled low over his head…" April began.
Don winced a little " That sounds too close too what we wear as disguises this guy might end up attracting the wrong sort of attention to us."
" All the more reason to find this fellow and put a stop to him before he does have citizens of New York suspecting and noticing those that do use such outfits. We don't need any unwanted attention." Leo decided.
" When does he usually strike April?" Don asked next.
" Early evening usually between the hours of five and seven thirty from reports. He has been spotted in various areas of the park."
" In that case we split up each of us will cover a different section of the Park and we will see if we can find this guy and put a stop to his games" Leo declared quickly.
~*~
So that was how I ended up in Central Park on an early spring evening the sun was setting behind New York City sky scrapers and once it was fully set it would undoubtable turn cooler then it all ready was.
Due to the fact that we might have to go out around people we were dressed in our disguises while each of us patrolled the section assigned to us. We had been told to stay hidden and keep a close watch for our suspect.
I was hiding in some bushes just off the path as I ha all ready covered my section with few signs of the suspect and not much else to entertain me or keep me occupied I began to realize that the rest of my shift would be pretty long and boring if it stayed like the first part.
I sighed heavily. I was bored. Bored! BORED!
There didn't seem to be a great lot to do other then wait and watch for something to happen, and when you were done with that you could watch and wait just for a change of pace.
All of this watching and waiting with nothing happening was really putting me on edge. I longed for something to break up the monotony. If I had been with anyone else I would have all ready started to tell them jokes or what have you to lighten up some of that tension and ease the boredom to boot.
However telling jokes and playing the fool wasn't half as interesting or entertaining when you didn't have an appreciative, or at the very least a captive, audience on hand to perform for.
There had to be something I could do to liven up the night and I debated over a couple possible options.
I decided it might be fun to use my cell phone to order a pizza, or see if maybe rent a pizza for a change.
I could play all kinds of games just by ordering a pizza. I could not say the word pizza, or I could spell out pizza toppings just to mess with minds. Or I could do my all time favourite mess with people's mind and ask for anchovies on my pizza right off the bat then wait until I went to hang up the phone before telling the person.
" Oh definitely no anchovies on the pizza because I am allergic to seafood."
That could provide me a lot of entertainment and would be far more interesting then what I was doing right now. Which just happened to be a lot of nothing.
I pulled the cell phone from my belt prepared to make that all important call and spread some of my Michelangelo charm around.
Before I had finished pressing all of the numbers though I could see a guy ambling along the path. He wore a brown overcoat and a hat pulled low over his head, he seemed about a good four to five inches taller then any of my brothers and appeared to have one arm missing as one sleeve of the coat dangled empty.
Funny I didn't recall April saying any thing about him missing a limb but perhaps that was something that I had missed.
As I watched him I noticed a young blond woman jogging along the path coming towards the guy. As she neared him the guy raised his head and gave a rather suggestive leer.
I moved quickly and silently to be in position nearby to watch the events unfold I couldn't do anything until the suspect made a move. But I did heighten my senses to assure that I missed nothing.
" Psst, hey lady" the guy whispered outstretching one arm and beckoning her by bending one finger towards himself.
The jogger paused running on the spot " What who me?" she wondered.
The guy nodded eagerly " Yeah you come here" he begged anxiously.
She gave him a weird look and jogged on quickening her pace into almost a run and giving him a wide berth as she sprinted past, slowing down now and again to toss a look over her shoulders.
The fellow gave a heavy resigned sigh and his shoulders visibly slumped in dejection as he continued to trudge a long his way.
I was quite sure that this was our perpetrator but I couldn't go after him simply for striking up a conversation, no matter how suspicious his actions were. Raph might be tempted to do such a thing but that wasn't my style.
Another lady came along as I silently trailed my friend.
This one was a brunette her hair down straight headphones on her head bopping to the music her lips singing in time with the song. She didn't seem to be paying much attention to things around her and that could be dangerous.
The suspect creep that he was looked up and saw her " Oh boy this could be it" he muttered to himself as he licked his lips.
Yeah this guy was most definitely a whole container full of fries short of his happy meal.
Anyway he started his whole psst, come here bit again and the brunette actually got close to him.
She plucked the headphones off " You wanted me for something?" she wondered.
He was excited I could sense it but I had to wait for the right moment because he still hadn't done any thing even remotely resembling a crime.
He glanced nervously around as if to insure no one was around and gave a salacious grin before saying.
" You wanna buy a …" he was all ready starting to open his overcoat.
Oh this had to be our man all right!
The woman's eye's grew large in shock suddenly she turned running and screaming. I jumped out of the bush grabbed the little creep and tossed him into the bushes diving in fast to see him sprawled on his back.
" Uck!" he said.
" There is no cause for swearing," I growled in irritation.
" I didn't, he protested starting to sit up.
I raised one foot over his chest " Just lie still before I stomp you okay" I threatened.
He slumped back glaring hard at me.
" So what is the big idea of showing it off to the world?" I demanded to know.
" Huh?" the guy gave me a blank puzzled expression as if he thought I was the one not playing with a full deck.
" You know going around and flashing people" I clarified for him.
" I wasn't I've been looking for someone to buy my duck." He replied.
I jerked my head back in surprise " A duck?" I repeated not sure I had heard that right.
" Yeah a duck. He's got a bum wing and can't fly. I've tried to turn him loose but he kind of follows me" the fellow explained opening up his coat to reveal…
The fact that he was indeed wearing a t-shirt and shorts under the overcoat and one arm was holding a duck up against his chest.
As the coat came open the duck started to quack raucously and the fellow quickly closed his overcoat up and the duck fell silent again.
" The landlord of my building has received quite a few complaints so I was hoping to sell my duck."
" Why were you only approaching just woman though?" I asked mystified.
" Well I figured woman would be more likely to keep it for a pet then eat it you know" The guy replied sheepishly giving a bit of a shrug.
Ah yes proof in deed that you can meet all kinds in New York City. I figured the guy himself probably wasn't all that dangerous on his own and once his duck was gone he would probably cease to be a problem.
So with all my ninja skills and abilities I quickly relieved him of his duck and started to disappear with the animal now tucked in the folds of my own coat.
From behind me I heard a startled wail of " He stole my duck!"
" Look at it this way I'm just footing his bill" I replied before disappearing quickly amongst the bushes.
I knew my brothers would probably be giving me a royal ribbing about taking the duck and maybe bringing him home for dinner. I could handle that.
As for the citizens of New York they could rest much easier knowing they were now safe not from the Central Park flasher or peeping tom but from the highly dangerous and possibly deadly…
Peking Duck!
The End
Author's Note: This was just a little silliness and insanity on my part. I realized it is spring and soon a local charity group will be selling their little wooden ducks for the great Canadian duck race held every July 1 (Canada Day). The posters that go up around town proclaim, " You wanna buy a duck?"
Those words have always given me images of a pervert roaming around going " Psst hey lady come here…" and I have turned it into a household joke.
That is what inspired this story.