Title: Oh, My Daddy!

Pen name: Jaymili

Pairing: Edward/ Bella

Genre: Humor/ Romance

Summary: This is not a kinky story. This is just how I got pregnant by stubbing my toe. Well, that's what my husband thinks anyway. Public's vote second place on The Fruit's on the Vine TwiFic Contest.

Rated M for sex scene. No, I'm lying, Bella just swears a lot.

"Ouch! Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck!" I hadn't finished screaming in agony when I heard him sprinting down the stairs. He quickly found my writhing form on the floor and rushed to me, taking in my tears filled eyes and red face. He gasped in a dramatic way that would have made anyone anxious.

Not me though. No, no .

Because I already knew, oh too well, what he was going to ask me.

"Bella, my love… are you… do you think you might be…" insert unnecessary gasp "…pregnant!"

Once again, I was astounded by my husband's stupidity.

I barely managed to suppress a sarcastic eye roll. Barely.

"Of course not, Edward. Don't be ridiculous." I said, trying unsuccessfully to extract myself from his prodding hands and freakishly long fingers. Not that I am complaining, those fingers are after all, one of my favorite parts of my husband's body and let me tell you, we have become quite close over the years!

"But you're all reddish and crying! I think you are for sure now." Edward replied confidently, nodding to himself as if to persuade his brain that the shit coming out of his mouth was true.

I let out a groan of annoyance before trying to resonate my stubborn husband.

"Edward, I stubbed my toe on your stupid piano, that's all." He threw me his suspicious look… You know which one I'm talking about… the one with the raised eyebrow and scrunched up nose… The really ugly one… Yeah, this one. "What, that shit hurts!" I almost screeched, throwing my hands up in the air.

More suspicious looks.

"My tasty heart… I still think we should check, just to be sure." Said the clueless husband. I didn't even smile at the new nickname; instead, I immediately got up and stiffly crossed the room, trying to get away from the idiotic haze emanating from Edward freaking Cullen.

Making sure to keep my voice calm and controlled, I asked:

"Edward, can you explain to me how stubbing my toe on the piano has anything to do with me being pregnant?"

Imbecile number one actually took the time to think about it.

"Well, you didn't hurt yourself these last two days and you did just now so it could be a distraction caused by … the …baby?"

I let him have a minute to realize the profound stupidity of his words and was rewarded by a sigh of acceptance. I almost added a last snarky comment just for the sake of it but was stopped short by the look of profound sadness on my husband's face. Edward hung his head and harshly raked a hand through his crazy auburn locks, breaking my heart. I walked up to my broken angel and took his face in my hands.

"Edward", I spoke softly, "We've only been trying for four days… you can't expect me to already be pregnant. You should know this; you are a doctor." I added a wink, hoping I would at least get a smile out of my crazy, silly man. I didn't get my smile, but I did get a slight twitch at the corner of his lip. It would have to do for now.

"I know, my love, my luscious chocolate cake. I just…" He shook his head, not ending his sentence. His moist green eyes were burning into mine, causing fresh tears to replace the one caused by the evil piano.

"I understand love, I swear I do but you can't go all alien on me every time I take a step. Because if in four days our baby is powerful enough to distract me then we are having some sort of mutant and I don't think that's what you want." Ha! I got a laugh for this one! "Seriously, Edward. Let's be patient, we will be pregnant and have our baby when it's time, deal?"

Edward got this sparkle in his eyes that I only saw when we talk about having kids and he finally nodded and kissed me softly on the lips.

"Deal." He breathed against my skin causing shivers down my spine. I felt his smile getting bigger in response. "For now though, I think we could work some more on the conception part. What do you think my blooming sunflower?"

"I'm thinking: Why are we still standing here, Mr. Cullen? Get me upstairs, Daddy-to-be, show me those moves!"

I've always known how much Edward wants kids. When we first met, he told me his dream was "to have ten kids with the woman he loves". Namely me. Isabella Cullen. Of course, there was no way I am pushing ten heads out of this va-jay-jay. Not yesterday, not tomorrow and not in ten years… even if someone invents a va-jay-jay exit widener …. thingy.

And that's what I told him. Word for word. I told him one or two, I could do… maybe.

I guess life distracted us both after that. Mostly me to be honest, I got busy with my art gallery and I pretended Edward was too absorbed with his internship at the hospital to think about having children. Still, I didn't miss his sad puppy dog eyes whenever we walked by a park filled with children or we saw a pregnant woman. After six years together, including four of a happy marriage, there was no reason why we couldn't have a child; however I kept avoiding the subject. Even thinking about it now, I don't know why the subject of pregnancy scared me so much; maybe it was the fear of the unknown.

Edward, being the amazing man that he is, just let me be; he never pressured me to make a decision I wasn't ready to make. Though, there were some things he seemed to do unconsciously like staring at my stomach in a creepy way or stopping in front of a baby store with this faraway look in his eyes.

But, everything changed when his sister, Rosalie, announced she was pregnant with her first child. I never saw Edward look so heartbroken. He barely talked or smiled; what worried me most was the absence of the crazy nicknames he always made up for me. After a couple days of this, I couldn't take it anymore. We were lying in bed; Edward was trying to make me believe he was asleep, and I pondering about how to start this awkward conversation. Three minutes of over thinking, I got bored and pounced on him, straddling his hips and caging him under my body.

"Ok, what's up with you, Mr. Pretty? Are you having your man period or some shit?"

The husband just stared at me, not at all phased by my super attack, and said in the most assured voice…

"I want a baby."

Oh. Shit .

A baby.

He wanted a baby .

So he wasn't having his man period…. He just wanted to take my period away from me.

That's my femininity we're talking about here!

…

Let's go back on the subject at hand.

… A FREAKING BABY!

I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised, I mean I knew that we wanted to have children someday, and that Edward was particularly eager for this part of our life to begin but still, it freaked me out.

I could feel my eyes trying to run away from their orbits and tried to jump away from him but he took hold of my hips and held me in a steady grip, sat up, his face coming mere inches away from mine.

"I want a baby, my heaven. I want us to start a family." He whispered against my lips, making my heart race.

Me being me, I asked the dumbest question possible in this situation.

"Why?" Instead of laughing as I thought he would, Edward eyes welled with tears and he answered with a quivering voice.

"Because, you're everything to me. Because, I see myself with you forever. Because, you're my crazy Bella. There are so many other 'Because' but mainly, it's because I love you so, so much." I was in tears by then, my heart melting into a puddle at his feet. I threw my arms around him, squeezing him as tight as I could. "And because I would like a mini-Bella even though I know she will drive me insane." He groaned in my ear and I couldn't help but laugh.

We stayed like this, holding each other for an unmeasurable amount of time, rocking gently from side to side, completely lost in our bubble of love. I was starting to fall asleep when Edward slightly pulled back from me.

"So?" He was looking down at me with the most expectant look, for a minute I got lost in his excited green eyes.

"Huh?"

"Are we trying for a baby, Bella?"

And just like this I was brought back to reality.

I did what I did best: I panicked.

"I-I… I don't… Ed-Edward, listen, I just don't think… I-I can't… Oh my god, Fuck!" I couldn't look Edward in the eyes as I literally wrenched myself from his arms and the bed. "I can't, Edward please…" Before I managed to form a complete sentence, Edward was already up and standing before me, my face between his big hands.

"Please, Bella? Please?" His pleading broke me. I caved.

"Ok, Edward" I sighed, closing my eyes in defeat.

He took a sharp breath. "Yes?" I could hear the bubbling emotion in his voice and I couldn't hide my smile.

"Yes." He was going to lift me up and twirl me around but I stopped him before he went all Crazyward on me. "BUT! I… I need a little time Edward." Seeing his expression fall, I quickly went on. "Just a few months, four at most. To prepare myself. Please, Edward?" I said, knowing he couldn't refuse me anything.

"Of course, my carrot juice" Edward looooves carrot juice. "As long as you promise. A few months then we can go on a baby-making hibernation." Edward smirked, his spirits lifted.

That night, I didn't sleep. I just watched my husband all night as he smiled in his slumber. What pleasant dreams he must be had been having to smile in such a way….

Now out of my panicked state, it was much easier to think about the decision we made tonight. Ultimately, I knew it was normal to be afraid; after all, don't all first time mothers go through fear on some level? I would imagine holding your baby for the first time would be worth having some fear. Observing Edward as he slept, I could easily picture our little boy with his wild hair running through the house, chasing his father while I lounged on the couch with our baby girl.

I had to admit it, that thought made me fucking happy.

And I never saw Edward as happy as I saw him earlier.

My decision was easily made: I was stopping the pill right this moment.

I just won't tell Edward. My own version of a surprise for him.

A surprise baby.

For the next four months, I religiously took a pregnancy test every two weeks. As much as I was excited for my plan, I hated the waiting part. Every morning, I took a pill out of the box and made a show of taking it in front of Edward, because he's a freak, and then spitting it out when he wasn't looking. Because I'm a freak too. That's how we make a happy marriage.

By the second week of the third month, I finally saw that plus sign I had been waiting for. Then, I went and bought eight more tests. Just to be sure, you know. And all of this without alerting Eddie Boy.

My plan was freaking gold.

I just had a little problem. Nothing bad really… but I had absolutely no idea how to tell Edward. I kept changing my plans every five minutes and I couldn't get the perfect one. The one that fitted us the best. I was so preoccupied by this that before I knew it I was two months pregnant and we reached the end of the fourth month.

Edward had no intention of waiting any longer to start the baby making part. I understood this when I woke up the first day of month five without panties on. Instead, I got my husband's fingers and tongue. I told him a few days ago that I would be stopping the pill today - lie – but he had been so overloaded at work and tired that I wasn't sure he heard me.. Well, I guess he heard.

"Oh!" I cried out as I felt his tongue languidly caressing my sex until he reached my clit and pressed before taking it in his mouth and sucking on it hard. Realizing I was now awake, Edward lifted his head up, making me groan in protest.

"What are you doing?" I whined, trying to put his head back.

"Right now, I am going to have crazy monkey sex with my beautiful wife and hopefully make a baby so are you wide awake now? So we can get started before Captain Eddie down there explodes."

He didn't even wait for an answer and proceeded to fuck the shit out of me for hours. I learned some time later that Edward even took a week off so we could play together.

And play we did. In the tub, on the kitchen counters, the living room couch and floor, even in the attic for some odd reason.

That's how we got to the stubbed toe episode. For the four days following the start of our baby making frenzy, Edward observed me like a hawk trying to make up reasons for me being pregnant from the dumbest shit he could find.

"My milkshake, you slept fifteen minutes more today, you must be pregnant."

"My miracle, didn't you say you wanted to eat bananas? Was it a craving? Pregnancy maybe?"

"My comfy blanket, you smell a little different today, I think it's the baby."

God knows I love my husband but I just couldn't take it anymore! At first, it was cute seeing him so excited and eager but after a few days of this I was seriously considering banging my head against a wall.

I had to tell him I was pregnant before I lost my mind.

Therefore, that's what I did.

Instead of the grand announcement, I wanted to make, in reality it was quite…. Lame.

We were lying in bed, me on my back and Edward with his head on my stomach, both of us reading a book. I kept touching my left ear since it was itchy and I could feel his eyes on me, certainly wondering if I was scratching my left ear because the 'baby' was sending me ultrasound signals or something in the same stupidity range.

Until today, I don't know why I did what I did, I just did. Adrenalin of the moment thing.

I put my book down with more force than necessary and stared up at the ceiling trying to avoid my husband's penetrating gaze.

"Edward, I have someone I want you to meet." I said using my serious talk face. I felt more than saw him lifting his head up from my tummy and support himself on his elbow.

"Yeah? Who? Your hidden boyfriend?" He smirked and I just looked at him. "You don't have a hidden boyfriend right?" he asked with a worried look, his smile suddenly gone.

"Of course not, Edward." I rolled my eyes when he let out a sigh of relief. "But it's someone that I might love more than you." I added quietly, Edward frowned deeply, not understanding where I was going with this. I ran my fingers through his hair and pushed his head pack down on my stomach. I cleared my throat and because it's the one I do best, I said in Barney the dinosaur's voice.

"Hi, Daddy! It's baby in da tummy! Nice to meet ya! Even if we won't meet for seven more months, 'cause it's cozy in here, I just wanted to tell you that I love you! And just so you know, when I come out of my personal Hawaii, mommy's boobies are miiiine!"

Silence.

Oh my god, he is going to divorce me. Why do I always do creepy things like that?

I peered down at Edward face to find him staring at me with his mouth hanging open in shock.

"Edward?" I poked him in the shoulder. No response. "Edward? Baby? Hey! Don't go all vegetable on me! I just told you there's a baby in there you could at least…" I didn't get to finish my sentence since Edward had me pinned down under him, his body covering mine.

"A baby? Already? How? I don't…" He clearly didn't follow the previous imaginary conversation with our Baby Barney. "Seven months. You said seven months! That means… you're already two months along. Please Bella say something!" Oh, my poor man, he was a blubbering mess by now. Witnessing him like that brought tears to my eyes too and I could feel my throat closing up from the emotion.

"That night we decided to try for a baby… I stopped taking the pill." Edward gasped. "I hoped I would get pregnant so I could surprise you. I wanted to prepare something big to tell you so you could remember it forever but I guess it didn't worked out. I'm pregnant Edward, we're having a baby."

I watched as the biggest smile appeared on my husband's face before he kissed me passionately, his tongue meddling with mine as we rolled on the bed, our tears of happiness mixing together.

"Oh God, my sparkling pumpkin! A baby! We're having a baby! I love you so much, angel, thank you for giving me, us, this wonderful gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you." Edward kept saying as he peppered kisses all over my face and neck. His hand went under my shirt and he rubbed my stomach tenderly.

"I love you too, Edward. I know you will be the best father this child could hope for." I said, looking in his eyes, trying to show him how much I believed that.

"And you will be the best mother Bella. I will make sure that you and our child won't need for anything I swear!" This promise was made so lovingly that I couldn't help but believe and trust my husband.

Maybe, after all, everything will be ok.

THE END

"Edward, 'my sparkling pumpkin'? Really? Was that the only words you could think of?"

"Shh, my baby momma, you're spoiling the end of the story."

"Oh, shut up!"

THE TRUE END.

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