DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: "Awakening" was written from Chakotay's POV, so it seemed only fitting to provide the other side of the coin as well. Thanks again to Gilly for challenging us with the first line.
Warning: If you're looking for happy fluff, this is not for you. It certainly isn't what I expected or set out to write.
For Quantumsilver, whose comment was the catalyst to finding what I'd been missing.
Written August/September 2013.
Dawn
By Hester (hester4418)
"They fall in love with Captain Janeway, they wake up with me."
That's what I told him one night, when we were still friends.
It didn't deter him.
I didn't think it would.
"I love you," he said, and I wanted to believe him. But first, he had to learn what loving me really meant.
I told him my story, 'Captain Janeway and Her Lovers'. It has only two chapters, and neither ends well.
He felt for me, I could see it. But he refused to see my point. Even after the epilogue, he still wouldn't concede. Instead, he asked me about the necklace. Of everything which he could have said at the time, that was probably the most cruel.
Caylem died protecting me, because he loved Ralkana too much to let her go. I had tried to tell him again and again that I wasn't her, yet his love made him blind. It killed him, too.
In the end, I chose to be Ralkana for Caylem. He died happy, but part of me died with him.
I struggled to be the captain when I returned to the ship. Chakotay saw right through me, saw something that I had never intended for him to see. That he would act on that discovery was another thing I hadn't foreseen and had no contingency plan for.
So I let go. Completely. I sobbed out all my grief for Caylem, for Ralkana, and for myself. Surrendering to my emotions did make me feel better; and suddenly, I was hungry for more.
When I started kissing him, Chakotay almost pulled back.
"I don't want to take advantage of you," he said, holding my face between his hands.
"You're not," I assured him, kissing him hard. "I am taking advantage of you." If he wanted to play coy, this was not the time. He had started this, and I wouldn't let him back out now.
There was a low growl – primal, predatory – and I just let myself fall. Having made our declarations, we each artlessly surrendered to the other. I had always suspected that it would come to this some day, somewhere, but the intensity of our encounter surprised me.
That night, I fell asleep in his arms. He watched me for a long time; I know, because he told me later. We've not been friends since; instead, we've become so much more.
And I needed him. Needed him to remind me every day of who I was, and who I should be – or who I could be. Needed him to keep me whole, and keep me sane. Some would say I used him, and maybe I did.
He stirs, and I look at him, my fingers tracing the lines of his face in the faint morning light.
We've had many mornings since that night. There's a new chapter to my story now, and we're writing it together, a day at a time.
Some days were harder than others. When the Trabe betrayed us, I almost shut Chakotay out. But he persisted; and not long afterwards, I needed him more than ever.
We faced so many life and death decisions, and most of them were my call. Rakosa, the Q, going up against Fear itself. A duplicate Voyager, sacrificed to thwart the Vidiians.
It would have been enough to drive any captain mad.
I've even had to kill a member of my crew to bring two others back. That seems like a fair deal, doesn't it? Trading one life for two. Yet the decision nearly destroyed me. It would have, if Chakotay hadn't been there.
But all of that was nothing compared to what we're facing now. What I'm facing now.
Chakotay knows me well, but he doesn't know everything. He thinks that the captain is just lying in wait, eager to move again once the time is right. He watches me work, faithfully feeding my hopes of finding a cure.
I put on a bright face and keep up the façade, for him. I only let him see the pain of failure, but not the despair of possible success.
He knows that if I fail, the captain will vanish. She'll fade, and disappear. He knows that I'm scared of the day when she'll be gone. So he offers his strength, just like he has always done.
He doesn't know that she is already fading.
Chakotay's light shines a little brighter every day. This planet makes him thrive; he is made for it, and it embraces him.
But with each new morning, my spirit dulls further.
I chose to be Ralkana for Caylem, but I can't be just Kathryn for Chakotay. It's not me – not all of me. I need the captain; without her, I am not complete. Chakotay taught me that, although I'm sure this is not the conclusion he had in mind.
Even if I succeed, if I find a cure now, where would we go? It's been almost six weeks, and Voyager is long gone.
The shuttle is too slow. There is nowhere to go.
Still, I continue my research. As long as I haven't exhausted every last avenue, I can keep up the pretense of hope. For him.
Only for him.
There will come a day when not just the façade but also the foundation will slip, and then there will be nothing holding me back from the abyss. Not even Chakotay, although I love him dearly.
I know that once I fall, I will drag him down with me, because he will refuse to let go. He cares too much, and that will be his undoing.
Dawn breaks, and the sun spills through our window, waking him. He opens his eyes, and smiles when he sees me.
My heart grows heavy, but I smile back. I can't let him see, can't let him worry.
His love makes him blind, just like it did Caylem.
I wish I could trade again, one life for two. Let go of the captain, to save Kathryn and Chakotay.
But the captain has always been stronger than me.
-==/ The End \==-