All Those Snotty Noses
When Regina and Maleficent find themselves trapped in a daycare centre, they have to find a way of managing the situation before they face death-by-screaming-children.
Urrggh. There was something distinctly feral about children when you put them together. Snotty noses, leaky nappies, demanding screams and vicious hair pulling. Regina could honestly do without it.
She pointedly turned up her nose at the little terror that was determinedly crawling towards her. These little humans didn't even seem to grasp the concept of dignity with their fat wriggling limbs. Once more she stood up, heels catching against the worn (and dubiously stained) carpet, stalking around the perimeter of the room. Just like every previous attempt, the green flash of magic bounced angrily against Rumpelstiltskin's barrier before slamming into her face. As if her make-up could be any more messed up at this point.
She had no idea what he wanted from her, but then again she never did until it was too late. He'd merely zapped her here, cackled out a "Have fun dearie" and gave her an obnoxious wave before he fluttered off.
So here she was, stood at the edge of what could only be described as a 'child friendly' environment, surrounded by bright colours and obnoxious toys. Practically hell on earth.
At least she wasn't the only actual person in the room. The woman claiming to be Maleficent (Regina had her doubts, since when did the Maleficent she know have curly horns) was maintaining a defensive position in a corner. For some reason she seemed to attract the little monsters like moths to a flame. They had her hemmed in, advancing on their pudgy little legs. Maleficent was desperately waving her sceptre around, a look of pure fear cemented onto her face.
Whenever one of the nightmares managed to break through her defences and place a hand on her boot, Maleficient would kick out with a shout of "Get away beastie". It was almost an amusing picture, particularly as the fairy in question was nothing if not theatrical. At any other time Regina would have taken the time to appreciate one of the most powerful fairies in all of the realms being trapped by a bunch of pre-schoolers. But unfortunately she was also in the same boat. And the little boy currently making grabby hands at her was pretty terrifying in himself.
Regina clicked and clacked her way over to a chair, almost screaming when she realised the hordes of children were following her. It didn't take long for the annoying throng to start whimpering, demanding attention, or maybe her soul or something. Who knew? Who in their right mind would have children? From there the whimpering turned into full on tears. And of course who didn't love the domino effect of crying children. It was almost comical. Almost.
If Regina couldn't shut up this cacophony soon, there was going to be a pile of dead kids building up right under that big garish sign that said 'Beastie Daycare'.
Well, for the foreseeable future it looked like Regina was stuck in this dump, and somehow she needed to find a way to make it more bearable. She wasn't the kind of witch to take it lying down. And two magical women were always better than one.
Taking pity on Maleficent, she helped up the shivering wreck from where she had curled into a ball in the corner. This task was harder than it sounded, as she had to peel lots of sticky fingers from the folds of Maleficent's cloak. Somehow some of her hair had been ripped from under the hood and was tangled around a particularly sticky lollypop.
After straightening out the questionably evil fairy, Regina surveyed her with a look of complete disdain. Children were horrible, despicable things, but to let them get to you in such a manner was just weak.
Somehow, after delving through the cupboards, and having an avalanche of (thankfully clean) diapers fall on her head, Regina managed to unearth some coffee. Whilst Maleficent could still not be described as anything other than dishevelled, she slowly began to calm down, sinking back into her usual quiet dignity and charisma.
The coffee helped to lessen the force of the children's screams, but they were still there. An annoying ache fraying every last nerve. The seconds seemed to tick by like minutes. After a serious conference, the two hapless childminders had a battle plan.
Maleficent cautiously reached out, patting a child on the head and going "There, there". Regina was just in the middle of an eyeroll when she realised that it had worked. The rotter had shut its trap. Well who would have guessed?
At this point the children had collected around them, some sucking thumbs, but most just screaming. Regina had managed to get her hands on a kiddie book lurking under a chair called 'Going On A Bear Hunt'. She had no idea who had thought it was a good idea to create a book encouraging children to be violent and put themselves in harm's way whilst hunting dangerous creatures. But it was the only book she could find and it wasn't like she gave a damn about those creatures' moral compasses anyway.
As she settled into the story, she found herself falling into an easy rhythm, her voice expanding and contracting to fit the lines, and at one point (not that she'd admit it) she may even have joined in with the actions that all the kids seemed to know.
…Can't go over it, can't go under it…
The minute she started reading, a rather determined blonde girl crawled her way over to Maleficent and started tugging on her cloak. Eventually its persistence paid off as Maleficent picked it up, and settled it on her lap with a look of unadulterated fear.
…Swishy swashy…
Throughout the entire reading the little blonde girl completely ignored the story, and the excitement of the other monsters. She just bounced up and down, smiling and poking various bits of Maleficent's face. Whenever Regina's eyes drifted over she couldn't help smiling just a little at how out of her depth Maleficent seemed.
...Splash, splosh…
…Squelch, squerch…
Thankfully as their attention was captured by the story, most of the terrors had ceased caterwauling. However, there was one little boy who would just not stop howling. His screams grated on some deep instinct and eventually Regina gave into the desire to shut the bloody thing up. He was cradled in one arm, the book in the other. Whilst he still refused to stop crying, at least he quietened down a little.
…Stumble, trip…
…Hoooo, woooo…
So there they were, an evil queen and an evil fairy, cradling certified devil spawn.
…We're not going on a bear hunt again.
Confident that that had done the trick, Regina smugly slammed the book shut, ready to leave the herd of midgets sitting there quietly for a few hours until she could figure out how to escape the situation.
Unfortunately, as per usual Regina's confidence was unfounded. Almost the minute she set the book down the universal crying started up again.
It was at that moment that luckily a pile of food magically appeared on a table. Juice boxes, bottles of milk, cucumber sandwiches, cheese sandwiches, ham sandwiches, bits of fruit and veg. The most sickening thing about it was how everything was bitesize. Eww kids and their neediness.
Lunchtime proved to be pretty eventful. Before Regina had chance to blink the children had descended upon the food. By the time they had finished, unnameable stains were mushed into every surface, not least of all the kids themselves. Throughout the entire thing Aurora, which was apparently the blonde girl's name, had been glued to Maleficent's side. This of course meant that Maleficent had been significantly drooled upon, and the terror's attempts to include the fairy in its meal had led to that glorious red lipstick being smeared halfway across her face.
Most of the creatures seemed exceedingly happy to have been fed, and curled up all over the room, drifting off to sleep. They practically dropped off like flies as each one finished throwing their food everywhere.
Regina was considering attempting again to find an escape route when her ponderings were broken into by the same little boy from earlier who had started balling his eyes out. Desperate for him not to be the bloody fuse that set all the other monsters off, Regina snatched him up and started bouncing him, rocking him, even singing to him. Anything to shut up that cute button mouth. No the mouth wasn't cute. It was a demon mouth. Loud and obnoxious, not cute. Eventually he…it…quietened down, cooing against her shoulder.
They seemed to fall into more of a stride in the afternoon. There were a few hiccups, the biggest of which had been trying to figure out how to get rid of the smell emanating from the kids. It had taken Regina a full ten minutes to remember that she had magic, and could just zap some clean nappies onto all the terrors without having to go anywhere near baby bottoms.
But despite these hiccups, they seemed to do relatively well. At least they could pride themselves on the fact that none of the kids got hurt. Maleficent even really got into the whole arts and crafts thing when they found a box full of creative supplies. Something about sticking leaves together into a crown (which Aurora quickly claimed) seemed to speak to her inner fairy.
Despite Regina's new growth, which whimpered whenever she tried to put it down, the relative peace and quiet made the afternoon pass by in a blur.
It was only as Regina spun round at the tap on her shoulder that she realised just how fast it had actually gone. She came face to face with a woman who had one of the squirming children in her arms. "Thank you for looking after Matthew, he seems to have had a lovely time. It can't have been easy filling in for the usual daycare staff at such last minute."
All Regina could do was to acknowledge the woman's smile with a surprised nod before the woman disappeared out through the door, cradling her obnoxious offspring.
Within the next half an hour a range of people trundled through the doors, picking off kids right, left and centre. Each time a child disappeared Regina found herself able to breathe that little bit more freely.
Eventually the only people left in the room were herself, a much more calm and contented Maleficent and three children. Maleficent's entire attention was captivated by Aurora, who had been attached to her hip all day. The little girl was seated between Maleficent's (rather ungracefully) crossed legs and was engaged in an energetic game of peek-a-boo. Another toddler, a boy, was curled up on a table with his thumb placed firmly into his mouth, thankfully well into the world of Neverland .
The little growth that had clung to Regina all day was currently grasped in her arms giggling and cooing up at her. Wrinkling his horrible little nose, with those horrible little dimples and that horrible little twinkling laugh. Gross.
She softly wiped some food from his face. Not because he looked cuter without it, but because it was just disgusting. And the only reason she made sure to do it carefully was because she didn't want to set it off crying again. It's not like she cared about the sprog's comfort.
"Enjoy yourself my dear?" The smug voice emanated from over by the doorway. The urge to kill that had so far been repressed started to return to the surface. All she had to consider now was whether she should skin the little crocodile for a new set of boots, or find a more painful way to wipe him from the face of the planet.
"I should rip your heart out of your chest and shove it down your throat." Unfortunately Regina's usual aura of power and direction was somewhat hampered by the mounds of baby bundled up in her arms. She couldn't even draw herself up fully straight in case she disturbed him.
"We both know that wouldn't end very well, for you." The gross little man let out a hysterical giggle and gave a flourish of his finger. This was followed by one of his more shrewd looks. "Ready to go home are we? We'll have you there in a jiffy."
As he raised his arm Regina stepped forward raising her voice to a more commanding level. "But not all the children have been picked up by their parents.
Rumpelstiltskin's grin was infuriating. "That is because not all the children have parents."
"What's going to happen to those left behind?"
"Well that's not something you need to worry about, is it dearie?"
"What about Henry?" Regina could practically feel her heart wrenching as her eyes flicked back to the boy cuddled up in their arms. When he noticed her looking at him he let out another darling giggle. Who would abandon something as poor and defenceless as this? That was the moment she made her decision.
"Henry?" The contemptible creature actually looked confused.
If Regina was capable of blushing, which she wasn't because the Evil Queen did not blush, she would have gone beetroot red. She lifted up the boy in her arms whilst simultaneously trying to defend her new attachment. "He's been glued to me all day, I needed to give him a name."
Rumpelstiltskin's glee was released in the form of one of his ridiculous giggles. All it took was a deep breath and she knew what the next words out of her mouth were going to be. She knew deep in her very soul that Rumpelstiltskin was manipulating her, and was getting exactly what he'd planned for. But the thing that surprised her as she gazed at the little boy's chubby cheeks and happy little smile was that for the first time she didn't actually care. And there was no way she was going to let that grotty little crocodile get his hands on Henry.
There was one thing Regina prided herself on. If she committed to something then that was it, she would work at it until she achieved what she wanted even if it took several lifetimes and the destruction of the earth to complete.
"I'm taking Henry." As soon as the words left her mouth she felt a happy shiver travel down her back and immediately smiled as Henry grabbed hold of one of her fingers. She could practically feel Maleficent's ears perk up as she paid closer attention to the direction the conversation was going in.
"What makes you think I'm going to let you have him?"
Now it was Regina's turn to adopt a shrewd look. "Because you set all this up. This is what you want."
Rumpelstiltskin's voice took ona tone all the more scary for its seeming seriousness. "You have no idea what I want."
When Rumpelstiltskin crouched down, gathering up the sleeping boy from the table, Regina narrowed her eyes. They narrowed even further when the boy shifted in his sleep, which prompted the Dark One to pat his shoulder and whisper "Shhh, Bae, it's okay."
A deep breath helped Regina temper her anger, just a little bit. And yet her lips were pursed tight and her tone was dangerous. "Baelfire?"
Rumpelstiltskin just widened his smile at her.
"You mean to tell me that the reason you imprisoned me here all day with all these little monsters was because you needed a babysitter. Why you little…I ought to."
"Now, now, least said, soonest mended dearie. Let's just say that the daycare was a little understaffed, and I had important business to take care of." His annoying little cackle had returned.
Maleficent jumped up quickly regaining what could only be described as her regal composure, choosing that moment to make her own bid. She obviously cared little about the crocodile's motives, merely making her own claim. When it came down to it she was every bit as steely as Regina. "I'm taking the blonde one with me."
"Everything comes at a price, my dears."
"And what's the price this time?" Regina demanded.
"Hmmmm" The finger placed on his chin in pseudo-thoughtfulness was enough to make Regina want to slap him even more than she already did. "How about this? One day I'm going to need you to do this again. That would seem fair to me."
"The daycare?" Regina almost shuddered at the thought. Another day of sticky fingers, teary faces and snotty noses. Not to mention the fact she still wasn't completely sure about Rumpelstiltskin's motives. But one look at the chubby face blinking up at her was enough to cement her decision. She had decided she was going to do this, so she was going to do it goddamn it.
One glance at her fairy companion told her that a similar choice had been made on her side. A quick nod was all it took and Rumpelstiltskin rushed her off tumbling into the ether, clutching her newly claimed son in her arms.