Was he punishing himself? Eliot pulled his knees to his chest. His teeth were chattering, but this was a luxury day spa compared to some places he'd been. The cell was clean. There was food, not great, but more than starvation rations. Even if he wasn't here for a reason, the smug idiot who was questioning him wouldn't have stood a chance. Even with no reason at all to hold his tongue Eliot wouldn't give him the satisfaction of talking. The smug idiot just had no idea, if he thought that this amounted to Eliot punishing himself for the things he'd done. He'd been on both sides of the interrogation table, he'd been on both sides of far worse than this. He'd done things that there was no way he could ever buy his way out of with a little suffering.
Nate, Nate was a good lapsed Catholic boy. You could see how he believed that sinners could become saints, and he was working out his own ticket to heaven by bringing the team up with him. Hardison was good to start with, it shone out of him. Wasn't a malicious bone in his body, just a deep curiosity and mischief. Parker, sure, she had pulled off a lot of thefts in her time. But here she was trying to find out how to be right with the world, how not to be the damaged creature she'd grown up into. Sophie, aw, hell, she was like a cat. She'd feel bad that she mighta hurt someone with her grifting, for a little while, then she'd prance off like nothing had ruffled her fur. If Nate hadn't found a way that Sophie could con her way to salvation, Eliot doubted she ever would have tried her hand at being good. She wasn't bad… she just wanted what she wanted.
Nothing in the world could save Eliot from the hell he'd made for himself. Whatever else was on the table with working for Nate, heaven wasn't his to reach for. Eliot figured Nate knew that, knew what deal with the devil he was making when he kept Eliot around. The rest of the team wanted Eliot to be a good man, but they needed him to be a bad man. They needed him to keep doing what he did; hurting people and taking the punches when they came. Standing between the team and the evil that was in the world they walked in.
Some days it hurt to be the weapon the team needed. Yes, he had a lot of anger, and it felt good to fight. Didn't change the fact that he was still a gun in someone's hand, still putting more pain than joy into the world. But he was Nate's weapon to wield, and as long as Nate kept trying to be good, Eliot would keep doing his job.
He'd keep doing it so long as the team were on the road to their own salvation. Doing what he did might never win him heaven, but every day that he was taking care of the team was a day he wasn't in his own hell on earth.
Punishing himself? Nothing could be further from the truth.