Welcome, friends, to the unveiling of a story, or rather, as I like to call it, a nuclear abomination. This is one of my ancient pieces that I've had archived on my computer for practically eternity. I wrote it when I was new to writing, warriors, fan fictions, and grammar. The plot is enough to make you want to hit your head on a wall, and the Mary-Sues are as sue-ish as sues can get. Why, you may ask, am I posting this if it's that bad? It's hilarious. Some of mistakes made me laugh out loud, but, for your sanity as well as mine, I have fixed most of the grammar and spelling mistakes, with the exception of those I left in intentionally.
I hope that at least one of you will find this story funny, or at least enough to make you smile. I'm not the only one of this opinion. I have another form of this story posted on the Official Warriors Forums. People there are raving about it, as they find it hilarious. I am slightly altering the story though, I'm eliminating the first script part and re-writing it, and I've also given Acornpaw actions, instead of just her voice. Lastly, I left in some of the errors that included coarse language. (you'll also notice that Acornpaw has a few mild curses as well, only where necessary though) That, people, is why this story is rated T.
In addition to these errors, there is some commentary by my newest original character: the ever sarcastic and ever-cynical Acornpaw. Acornpaw is on the verge of becoming a warrior when her mentor makes her read this. . . book, shall we say. Unaware of the dangers of reading horrible fanfiction written by younger, less literate version of myself, the bold apprentice reads on, only to be sucked into a world which she fears she may never escape from.
Read on, if you dare. If you don't, I don't really blame you, but I can just say that you'll be missing out on some hilarity.
Prologue: My Life is a Horror Story
The sun rose upon a good day for young Acornpaw, who was ready to become a warrior at last. If she passed her assessment, she'd earn her new name. she was hoping for something like Acornheart, Acornflight, or maybe even Acornfall. After that she'd joyfully spend the night sitting in the cold in an awkward silence. Oh, joy!
"I'm ready for my assessment!" she padded up to her mentor, Twigtail. Twigtail, named so because of his thin, lean figure and long tail, was sitting by the camp entrance. Sitting between his paws was a thick volume that looked big enough to squish a five moon old kit, should one happen to end up underneath it.
Twigtail looked up at her, his fur fluffed up against the biting Leafbare chill. "That's great, Acornpaw." he mewed. With a heave, he picked the thick book off of the ground and practically threw it at Acornpaw. "Inside of this book, you will find the secrets to becoming the best warrior ."
A chill ran through the brown tabby as she comprehended his words. As the looked at the cover, though, her spirits started to fall. "'Neonkit's Clan'?" she quoted and pried the dusty old novel open. "What is this load of foxdung?" She asked as she skimmed the foreword.
Twigtail refused to answer her question. "Well, see you on the other side Acornpaw!" he chirruped and padded off to go on a hunting patrol with Moonlark, Stormfrost, and Beechheart.
Puffing out a sigh, Acornpaw started to read through the novel. "Well, this is odd to say the least." she muttered under her breath. Starting under the title Prologue, she read aloud. "A long time ago, a kit was born on a dark stormy night..."
And suddenly she was sucked into the book.
A long time ago, a young kit was born on a dark, stormy night. Acornpaw could hear a voice reading the book, like a voice in her head. She clutched her head as the voice read to her, confused by the narrating voice and her sudden change of surroundings. "What the StarClan is going on around here?!" she yowled, but no one, not even the voice in her head, seemed to hear her. Her mother, a beautiful silver tabby she cat with thick, luxurious fur, dubbed her Neonkit.
"Neonkit?" Acornpaw muttered to herself. "What kind of stupid name is that? wait, where am I? Hello, can anyone hear me?!" No one appeared to be listening.
Starwish looked up at her mate, but he was not there. she realized with despair that he never would be there, he was a rogue. Shadow would never be there for her. Instead, she turned to the rest of her kits. There were five of them total. "I'll name you Sugarkit." she said to the white one, who blinked her cyan eyes approvingly. "Wait, how the freak can you blink approvingly?" Acornpaw asked herself, trying to blink her eyes in the said fashion. "Nope, it doesn't work. Wait, CAN YOU SEE ME?!" she screamed. She slapped Starwish in the face, to try to get her to notice her, but the silver queen didn't respond.
Starwish turned to another one, who was black with flaming orange patches, like his father. "I'll call you Pumpkinkit." she purrs. Acornpaw let out a huff. "I guess that's a no." she muttered to herself. She could not help but wonder is Twigtail had planned this. Did her mentor want her to be trapped here?
At last she named the other two kits, who were purple gray and blue-gray, Grapekit and Skykit. "Grapekit?" Acornpaw murmured incredulously. "Some grapes sound good now."
A great golden tom with a mane like a lion padded into the nursery. His orange eyes, which were like burnt fire, Acornpaw interrupted right in the middle of the narrator's sentence. "How the Hell do you burn fire?" she asked, now no longer expecting reply. looked down at the heart meltingly beautiful queen. "They're beautiful, my daughter. Much like yourself." he jumpled. "He what?!" Acornpaw asked.
Starwish looked up at her father, though she looked a bit edgy for some reason. "I'm guessing that's foreshadowing something, totally just a guess though." Acornpaw commented. "Yes, Lionstar." "I totally didn't see that name coming!" Acornpaw growled sarcastically. "They'll be great additions to ThunderClan, won't they?"
The giant golden tom shook his head. "Frankly, my dear-" "I don't give a damn!" Acornpaw chirped, quoting a famous quote. "They must die, my apologies" Acornpaw rolled her eyes. "Aren't you a gentlemen?"
At that Lionstar killed his grandsons and granddaughters, smoky blue Skykit, violet gray Grapekit, white as snow Sugarkit, and black and orange Pumpkinkit were laying on the floor, with their force bleeding out of them. Acornpaw held up a paw in protest. "Whoa, wait a second. Force? As in, THE FORCE? Like in star wars?" Lastly, he slayed "I believe the correct term is slew, actually, Mr. Murderous Leader Tom." Acornpaw muttered. his pretty silver daughter, Starwish.
"Excuse me, but I just realized something." Acornpaw said before the narrator in her head could continue reading. "These cats must have some messed up genes, because they share no family resemblance what so ever."
As Starwish lay bleeding on the floor, she rolled over to let one of her little kits breath in air. It was little Neonkit, her bright pink "PINK?!" Acornpaw snarled vehemently. "I hate pink!" and yellow fur was all ruffled up. Starwish nudged her last living kit over to another queen, who had slept through the incident. Acornpaw clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "She must be a heavy sleeper." she remarked.
"Save the clan, Neonkit. I saved you for a reason." Those were Starwish's last words as she died, going off to StarClan with her other four kits.
Neonkit had lived for a reason, not only to save herself, but to save others. "How peachy."
The scene faded from sight for a moment, and Acornpaw couldn't help but reflect upon what was happening to her. "It appears that the book Twigtail made me read has sent me into a disturbed, alternate reality where no one can see nor hear me. What am I to learn here, where there are so many things unrealistic and wrong, not to mention with perfect people. What is to become of me?" She pondered these questions as she felt a shift in her mind. Before she knew it, another scene was coming into view.