Maverick's note: I have made my first FF8 fanfic! I am making it in
conjunction with my friend Stilleas. He has made a few more fanfics than I
have, so it is a little short. Well, let's go!
1 Squall and the Bipolar Personality Syndrome
by Maverick
Squall is in Quistis' classroom, Selphie sitting next to him, and Seifer sitting across the aisle, staring at them evilly (is that a word??). As always, Squall's not paying attention to anything.
Selphie: *Leans over to Squall* Hey, Squall, I'm having a Save-the-Malboro Polkathon. Wanna come?
Squall: Whatever.
Selphie: Oh, c'mon Squall, it'll be fun! Please?
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Squall, are you paying attention?
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Like, what did you just say to me?
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: That's it. Squall, if you don't behave, I'm gonna have to give you a lunch detention.
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Okay, Squall, I think you need to go down to the office now.
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Okay, buddy, we're, like, going to the office now!
Squall: Whatever.
Cid's room/office. Cid's sitting at his desk, Squall sitting across from him. Quistis is next to him in another chair.
Quistis: Oh, my God! He won't freakin' behave! I was gonna go down to the basketball game, but, like, I don't think I'm gonna be able to now. Right, Cid?
Cid: S-
Quistis: That's totally what I thought! Like, what are we going to do with him?
Cid: Riiiight. I think I may have to fire you now. Could I please have a few minutes alone with Mr. Leonhart?
Quistis: *huffs* Well, fine then! *to self* Gawd, I hate that guy!
Cid: *turns to Squall* Oh-kay. Squall, I think I may be able to solve your problem.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Squall, you have Bipolar Personality Syndrome.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Uh, your room was raided this morning. You own nothing.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: *to self* Crap! Why won't it work?
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Bah! Did you just hear me?
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Umm, your mother was hit by a forklift.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Rinoa is a lesbian. You have no chance with her.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Seifer finds you physically attractive.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Balamb Garden is a front for a giant drug-shipping project. You will all be murdered or made into slave laborers in a few months.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: I cut off your personal body organ while you were asleep.
Squall: *looks down into pants and shrugs* Whatever.
Cid: That night you thought you were doing it with Rinoa? That was her dog.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: SON OF SATAN, CHILD, DOES NOTHING PHASE YOU? I SHOULD THROW YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!! I WANT YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW! GET OUT OF HERE!!! *falls onto the ground, clutching left arm*
Oh my God, I'm having a heart attack! Quick, call Dr. Kado... Kadowa... Kaddowacky!
Squall: It's Kadowaki.
Cid: DO YOU THINK I CARE?!? *blood spews out of his mouth as he has extreme convulsions*
Squall: Whatever. *gets up and leaves*
Squall is in the central room of the main floor. He is holding his gunblade, his only possession after being expelled from Balamb. He runs into Zell on his way out.
Zell: Squall, there's something I need to tell you before you leave.
Squall: Whatever.
Zell: Well, you know about this thing on my face? Well, it's not a tattoo. It is a rare parasite that is slowly eating my brain and bones. I don't know how much longer I have to live.
Squall: Whatever.
Zell: Well, I *sniff* didn't know you valued our friendship so little. I thought we- oh. Oh God. It-it's happening. This is it. Goodbye, Squall…
*Zell melts into a pile of flesh and blood*
Squall: Whatever. *continues walking*
*the parasite then scuttles across the ground, jumping up to attach itself to Squall's face. Squall ducks and the parasite lands on the man in the information desk's face*
Information desk guy: OH MY GOD, IT IRRITATES MY SKIN A LITTLE- oh, wait, it stopped.
Squall walks along the path to Balamb. When he arrives, he realizes he has no money to stay at the inn.
Squall: Whatever.
He decides to sneak in to Zell's room, seeing he won't be staying there, him being a pile of Jell-O and all.
Mrs. Dincht: Zell? Is that you? I didn't hear you come in!
*Squall hides behind the punching bag as Mrs. Dincht walks in*
Mrs. Dincht: Oh, good. *shouts down the stairs* It's okay, honey. He's not here.
Unknown voice: Okay. I was worried for a second.
Mrs. Dincht: Oh, crap. The food's done. I bet you wouldn't want any, huh, Mr. Punching Bag?
Mr. Punching Bag- I mean Squall: Whatever.
Mrs. Dincht: Holy poo. Who said that? It better not be Zell!
Squall: Whatever.
Mrs. Dincht: What the hell are you doing here??? Get out!
*Mrs. Dincht then picks up Squall by the collar and proceeds to throw him out the window*
*Squall then lands outside on his butt, and as he stands up, Mrs. Dincht is inside making moaning noises.*
Squall: Whatever.
Squall finds a large refrigerator box and decides to reside in that until he can get a job, which may be forever. He is clutching his only possession left, a measly Fungar card, and is going insane. He rocks back and forth in his cardboard box until he falls asleep.
He wakes up fourteen days later after sleeping for the first time in his life (you've seen him try to sleep, he hasn't slept in 17 years! All he does in bed is roll a lot and think in thought bubbles!) in the middle of the night. He hears something across the street in the park. He leans out of his box in curiosity.
Mrs. Dincht: Wow, honey-muffin-sweetie-pie, this is exciting!
Mysterious person: Wow! I finally get to go all the way!
Mrs. Dincht: Zonie-poo, I want to get this done quickly so no one can catch us.
Zone (you know, the "stomachache" guy): Wow! This is awesome!
*Squall looks away from Zone and Mrs. Dincht making hot monkey love on the park bench*
Insert loud, gross sexmaking noises
Zone then leaves, cheering, while Mrs. Dincht walks home, complaining of a backache. Squall then falls asleep.
Female voice: Hellooo? Squall? Wake up, sleepy!
*Squall opens his eyes and sees Rinoa*
Rinoa: Hello! I came to visit!
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: Uhh, yeah. Selphie's here, too!
Selphie: Hi, Squall! I'm having a Bring Back the Cactuars Rave! Wanna come?
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: Well, Zell couldn't come, you know, how he turned into slime? Irvine died because he got every single STD possible, and he discovered 14 new ones! Quistis is really bummed because Qu fired her as Cid's last wish. We just wanted to tell you how sorry we are that you were kicked out of Balamb Garden.
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: My God, Squall, I tell you my feelings all the time. Don't you ever care?
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: Rrrr! Squall, Leonhart, I hate you! I'm never going to talk to you again!
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: AAAAHHH!!! *stomps away*
Selphie: Good job, doofushead! Now you'll never get laid!
Squall: Whatever.
Selphie: I hate you too! *also stomps away*
Squall: Whatever.
A few weeks later, while Squall is still clutching his only card, an unexpected visitor arrives at his box.
Card Queen: Hey! You're kinda cute! LET'S GET MARRIED!
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: YAY!
Squall and the Card Queen are at the entrance to the train station, while a bribed conductor is performing the service.
Conductor: Hey, you, guy. You wanna marry this chick?
Squall: Whatever.
Conductor: Okay. I'll say that's a yes. Freaky-dress-card-chick, you wanna marry "whatever boy"?
Card Queen: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Conductor: Okay, you're married.
And so they were. They lived semihappily for a long time. Squall really didn't say anything. The only downside was that the Card Queen thought she was in a mansion, but they were really living at the train station.
Card Queen: Squally, do you want a pancake?
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: Why don't you ever care?
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: I don't think you love me. Do you?
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: That's it! I want a divorce! *stomps off* (He doesn't have much luck with women not stomping from him, does he?)
Squall: Whatever. *goes back to refrigerator box*
One cloudy day, Squall was sitting in his cardboard box. Then, he suddenly had an idea.
Squall: I want a sandwich.
So he went to the nearest Subway. He was served by M. C. Hammer, considering the only other work he can get is telephone commercials.
M. C. Hammer: Hey, baby! What can I get 'cha?
Squall: Whatever. I'll have a ham and cheese.
M. C. Hammer: Sorry, baby! We're out of cheese.
Squall: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE OUT OF CHEESE!?! I'LL KILL EVERYONE HERE AAAAHHHH!!!
And so he did. You see, after not caring so much, he snapped over the smallest thing.
Everything was horrible, but the police came and had a shootout with Squall. Since Squall didn't have a gun, he just pointed his finger. He was killed after, surprisingly enough, shooting eight policemen.
THE END
Well, you likie? E-mail me at Sephiroth_686@email.com to give me suggestions. My friend Stilleas wrote a fic similar to this one, so check it out.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Squaresoft, Subway, or Jell-O. I wish I owned Jell- O, though. Blue Jell-O is good.
1 Squall and the Bipolar Personality Syndrome
by Maverick
Squall is in Quistis' classroom, Selphie sitting next to him, and Seifer sitting across the aisle, staring at them evilly (is that a word??). As always, Squall's not paying attention to anything.
Selphie: *Leans over to Squall* Hey, Squall, I'm having a Save-the-Malboro Polkathon. Wanna come?
Squall: Whatever.
Selphie: Oh, c'mon Squall, it'll be fun! Please?
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Squall, are you paying attention?
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Like, what did you just say to me?
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: That's it. Squall, if you don't behave, I'm gonna have to give you a lunch detention.
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Okay, Squall, I think you need to go down to the office now.
Squall: Whatever.
Quistis: Okay, buddy, we're, like, going to the office now!
Squall: Whatever.
Cid's room/office. Cid's sitting at his desk, Squall sitting across from him. Quistis is next to him in another chair.
Quistis: Oh, my God! He won't freakin' behave! I was gonna go down to the basketball game, but, like, I don't think I'm gonna be able to now. Right, Cid?
Cid: S-
Quistis: That's totally what I thought! Like, what are we going to do with him?
Cid: Riiiight. I think I may have to fire you now. Could I please have a few minutes alone with Mr. Leonhart?
Quistis: *huffs* Well, fine then! *to self* Gawd, I hate that guy!
Cid: *turns to Squall* Oh-kay. Squall, I think I may be able to solve your problem.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Squall, you have Bipolar Personality Syndrome.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Uh, your room was raided this morning. You own nothing.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: *to self* Crap! Why won't it work?
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Bah! Did you just hear me?
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Umm, your mother was hit by a forklift.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Rinoa is a lesbian. You have no chance with her.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Seifer finds you physically attractive.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: Balamb Garden is a front for a giant drug-shipping project. You will all be murdered or made into slave laborers in a few months.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: I cut off your personal body organ while you were asleep.
Squall: *looks down into pants and shrugs* Whatever.
Cid: That night you thought you were doing it with Rinoa? That was her dog.
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: SON OF SATAN, CHILD, DOES NOTHING PHASE YOU? I SHOULD THROW YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!
Squall: Whatever.
Cid: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!! I WANT YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW! GET OUT OF HERE!!! *falls onto the ground, clutching left arm*
Oh my God, I'm having a heart attack! Quick, call Dr. Kado... Kadowa... Kaddowacky!
Squall: It's Kadowaki.
Cid: DO YOU THINK I CARE?!? *blood spews out of his mouth as he has extreme convulsions*
Squall: Whatever. *gets up and leaves*
Squall is in the central room of the main floor. He is holding his gunblade, his only possession after being expelled from Balamb. He runs into Zell on his way out.
Zell: Squall, there's something I need to tell you before you leave.
Squall: Whatever.
Zell: Well, you know about this thing on my face? Well, it's not a tattoo. It is a rare parasite that is slowly eating my brain and bones. I don't know how much longer I have to live.
Squall: Whatever.
Zell: Well, I *sniff* didn't know you valued our friendship so little. I thought we- oh. Oh God. It-it's happening. This is it. Goodbye, Squall…
*Zell melts into a pile of flesh and blood*
Squall: Whatever. *continues walking*
*the parasite then scuttles across the ground, jumping up to attach itself to Squall's face. Squall ducks and the parasite lands on the man in the information desk's face*
Information desk guy: OH MY GOD, IT IRRITATES MY SKIN A LITTLE- oh, wait, it stopped.
Squall walks along the path to Balamb. When he arrives, he realizes he has no money to stay at the inn.
Squall: Whatever.
He decides to sneak in to Zell's room, seeing he won't be staying there, him being a pile of Jell-O and all.
Mrs. Dincht: Zell? Is that you? I didn't hear you come in!
*Squall hides behind the punching bag as Mrs. Dincht walks in*
Mrs. Dincht: Oh, good. *shouts down the stairs* It's okay, honey. He's not here.
Unknown voice: Okay. I was worried for a second.
Mrs. Dincht: Oh, crap. The food's done. I bet you wouldn't want any, huh, Mr. Punching Bag?
Mr. Punching Bag- I mean Squall: Whatever.
Mrs. Dincht: Holy poo. Who said that? It better not be Zell!
Squall: Whatever.
Mrs. Dincht: What the hell are you doing here??? Get out!
*Mrs. Dincht then picks up Squall by the collar and proceeds to throw him out the window*
*Squall then lands outside on his butt, and as he stands up, Mrs. Dincht is inside making moaning noises.*
Squall: Whatever.
Squall finds a large refrigerator box and decides to reside in that until he can get a job, which may be forever. He is clutching his only possession left, a measly Fungar card, and is going insane. He rocks back and forth in his cardboard box until he falls asleep.
He wakes up fourteen days later after sleeping for the first time in his life (you've seen him try to sleep, he hasn't slept in 17 years! All he does in bed is roll a lot and think in thought bubbles!) in the middle of the night. He hears something across the street in the park. He leans out of his box in curiosity.
Mrs. Dincht: Wow, honey-muffin-sweetie-pie, this is exciting!
Mysterious person: Wow! I finally get to go all the way!
Mrs. Dincht: Zonie-poo, I want to get this done quickly so no one can catch us.
Zone (you know, the "stomachache" guy): Wow! This is awesome!
*Squall looks away from Zone and Mrs. Dincht making hot monkey love on the park bench*
Insert loud, gross sexmaking noises
Zone then leaves, cheering, while Mrs. Dincht walks home, complaining of a backache. Squall then falls asleep.
Female voice: Hellooo? Squall? Wake up, sleepy!
*Squall opens his eyes and sees Rinoa*
Rinoa: Hello! I came to visit!
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: Uhh, yeah. Selphie's here, too!
Selphie: Hi, Squall! I'm having a Bring Back the Cactuars Rave! Wanna come?
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: Well, Zell couldn't come, you know, how he turned into slime? Irvine died because he got every single STD possible, and he discovered 14 new ones! Quistis is really bummed because Qu fired her as Cid's last wish. We just wanted to tell you how sorry we are that you were kicked out of Balamb Garden.
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: My God, Squall, I tell you my feelings all the time. Don't you ever care?
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: Rrrr! Squall, Leonhart, I hate you! I'm never going to talk to you again!
Squall: Whatever.
Rinoa: AAAAHHH!!! *stomps away*
Selphie: Good job, doofushead! Now you'll never get laid!
Squall: Whatever.
Selphie: I hate you too! *also stomps away*
Squall: Whatever.
A few weeks later, while Squall is still clutching his only card, an unexpected visitor arrives at his box.
Card Queen: Hey! You're kinda cute! LET'S GET MARRIED!
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: YAY!
Squall and the Card Queen are at the entrance to the train station, while a bribed conductor is performing the service.
Conductor: Hey, you, guy. You wanna marry this chick?
Squall: Whatever.
Conductor: Okay. I'll say that's a yes. Freaky-dress-card-chick, you wanna marry "whatever boy"?
Card Queen: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Conductor: Okay, you're married.
And so they were. They lived semihappily for a long time. Squall really didn't say anything. The only downside was that the Card Queen thought she was in a mansion, but they were really living at the train station.
Card Queen: Squally, do you want a pancake?
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: Why don't you ever care?
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: I don't think you love me. Do you?
Squall: Whatever.
Card Queen: That's it! I want a divorce! *stomps off* (He doesn't have much luck with women not stomping from him, does he?)
Squall: Whatever. *goes back to refrigerator box*
One cloudy day, Squall was sitting in his cardboard box. Then, he suddenly had an idea.
Squall: I want a sandwich.
So he went to the nearest Subway. He was served by M. C. Hammer, considering the only other work he can get is telephone commercials.
M. C. Hammer: Hey, baby! What can I get 'cha?
Squall: Whatever. I'll have a ham and cheese.
M. C. Hammer: Sorry, baby! We're out of cheese.
Squall: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE OUT OF CHEESE!?! I'LL KILL EVERYONE HERE AAAAHHHH!!!
And so he did. You see, after not caring so much, he snapped over the smallest thing.
Everything was horrible, but the police came and had a shootout with Squall. Since Squall didn't have a gun, he just pointed his finger. He was killed after, surprisingly enough, shooting eight policemen.
THE END
Well, you likie? E-mail me at Sephiroth_686@email.com to give me suggestions. My friend Stilleas wrote a fic similar to this one, so check it out.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Squaresoft, Subway, or Jell-O. I wish I owned Jell- O, though. Blue Jell-O is good.