Dead Man Walking
WARNING: CHARACTER DEATHS
No spoilers this is AU.
Main character is Josh Lyman but does feature a male/male relationship with Sam Seaborn.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine.
"It is not death itself that people fear but the time, the manner and the place of their death." (BMJ 1997)
Joshua Lyman died at 10pm on December 8th 2009 at his home. He was alone. He was 45 years old. He had no fear having chosen the time, manner and place of his death. In his mind his life had ended on June 6th and this was just his body catching up.
January 4th 2009
Josh was so excited he could hardly contain himself. Sam was going to be 40 tomorrow and Josh had been planning his surprise for months. He had arranged for all their friends to attend a surprise dinner at their favourite Italian restaurant. Sam had no idea; he believed that he and Josh were going out for a nice romantic meal. Josh had managed to get Toby and Andi (now reconciled), CJ and Danny, Zoey and Charlie, Ed and Larry (now out and proud), Leo and Jordan, Mallory and her husband Mark, Donna and her fiancé Kurt, Ainsley and her boyfriend Jason, Matt Skinner and his partner Brad, Bonnie, Ginger, Margaret and her partner and even the former President and Dr Bartlet all together at the same time to celebrate Sam's birthday. Josh was feeling extremely pleased with himself.
Josh had another surprise for Sam though. He was going to propose. They couldn't actually get married in DC but they could have a commitment ceremony. Since they had made their relationship public in the last year of the Bartlet administration Josh had wanted to show Sam publicly how much he loved him. They had both remained in Washington however they worked as lawyers having left politics. Josh specialised in Constitutional Law and Sam in Human Rights. They worked for small firms who were not concerned about their sexual orientation and had a positive attitude to pro bono work. They had never been happier.
January 5th 2009
The party was in full swing dinner was a noisy affair and Sam was having the time of his life. He kept kissing Josh and thanking him for arranging such a fabulous surprise. He was overwhelmed. Josh smiled knowing what was about to happen. He had no doubt Sam would accept and had got them matching band rings with discrete diamonds. Matt had helped Josh choose them. The assistant called them engagement rings for men. Josh thought it was really romantic Matt laughed at him. Saying that he wished some of the Republicans could see what a softy Josh really was.
Josh called for silence and approached an unsuspecting Sam. He dropped to one knee and Sam grinned down at him, guessing what was about to happen. Josh told Sam how much he had always loved him and how he wanted them to be together forever. He then asked Sam to marry him. Sam didn't hesitate, he accepted and seeing two rings proposed to Josh and slipped the ring on Josh's finger as Josh had done to him. Everyone cheered and congratulated the couple. It was a perfect night which culminated in a wonderful slow love making session when they got home.
June 5th 2009
The commitment ceremony was in two days on June 7th. Some people were arriving on the 6th and staying overnight in hotels. Josh had a big case on and ended up staying in the office all night getting it prepared so he could be free on the 7th and 8th. When he got home the afternoon of the 6th he was exhausted. Sam took one look at him and sent him to bed. Sam went to the airport to get Rachel Lyman, Josh's Mum.
June 6th 2009
The noise woke Josh. He was still exhausted and it took him a while to realise it was someone banging on his front door. He was wearing boxers and his undershirt as he stumbled to the door. He opened it and for a while couldn't process the two uniformed police officers standing before him.
"Mr Lyman?"
"Yes, I'm Josh Lyman."
"May we come in sir?"
"Is everything okay?"
"May we come in sir? It would be better to talk inside."
"Yes, of course sorry I just woke up. I pulled an all-nighter at work."
"Please sit down Mr Lyman. Are you alone?"
"Yes Sam's gone to the…Oh my god. What's happened?"
"Mr Lyman I am sorry to have to tell you but Mr Seaborn's car was involved in a collision with an SUV. He and a lady we believe to be Rachel Lyman both died at the scene."
That was the last Josh heard. In the next few hours Donna, Toby, Leo and CJ had all arrived and were trying to talk to him. Their words made no sense. He couldn't move. They persisted and he eventually understood that the police needed him to formally identify them. He recoiled from the suggestion but soon found himself being dressed and put in Toby's car. Donna and CJ either side of him with Leo upfront with Toby. He was on autopilot moving when told to.
At the morgue he was shown his mother first he just nodded. They brought Sam in next, again he nodded but his knees began to give way and he was led to a bench between Toby and Leo. Suddenly he stood and ran outside just in time to fall to his knees shaking and vomit in the parking lot. He felt hands on him, not the ones he wanted to feel, but hands supporting him back to the car.
The next few weeks passed in a haze. Two funerals, two attorneys telling him he was now a very rich man. A hole in his soul getting bigger and bigger with each passing day.
Well meaning people never leaving him alone, "You must eat Josh." "You need to get some sleep." "Are you going back to work?" "You should speak to someone."
He didn't eat and hardly slept. His dreams were full of Sam and his mother, in the morgue. He lost too much weight and friends began to really worry about him as he sat at home painfully thin and unkempt. Then he formulated a plan.
The next few months:
He began to eat a little to appease his friends, he also washed and shaved. They gradually left him a lone for a few days at a time not feeling the need to be so vigilant. He resigned from his job and began to see a therapist. He actually saw three therapists enough to get medication from them all. The advantage of private healthcare is that no one checks with each other. He hid all the medication saving it for when the time was right.
He asked his mother's attorney to arrange for her condo to be cleared and sold. He took nothing personal from it.
December 8th 2009
The house had been cleared of all his and Sam's possessions. He didn't want anyone having to deal with it all. Everything was in order. He had all the necessary documents and had written a letter for whoever found him. He sat on the floor with three bottles of pills and a bottle of vodka. In front of him on the floor was his favourite photo of him and Sam. Josh took the pills with the vodka and held the photo as he lay back on the floor. "See you soon babe." He smiled.
December 9th 2009
Toby knocked on the door several times before using the key he had to Josh's home. He stood looking around him stunned at the lack of furniture and possessions that had made the place very homely. He called out to Josh as he continued to explore, a sinking feeling in his stomach and a terrible sense of deja vu. As soon as he saw him on the floor he knew this time he was too late. Toby didn't rush to him. He had obviously been dead for several hours. He checked his pulse to be sure and picked up the photo that must have fallen from Josh's lifeless fingers. Toby smiled as he looked at the love in their eyes as they gazed at each other in the photo. Sighing Toby got out his cell phone and made the necessary phone calls. He picked up the letter addressed to 'To Whoever Finds Me.'
Dear Friend
I am sorry to put you through this. If I could have spared you I would have, however I needed to do this here where we were so happy.
Since that night I have not been alive, not once. I think I could have eventually accepted the loss of my mother, but to lose them both like that. To have Sam taken from me before our wedding was more than I could bear. I have been dark and empty since he went. I have no heart just a nothingness that has crept in and taken over my soul. I cannot express the love I have for him, there simply aren't the words to express my sense of loss. I died that night just my body didn't know it. Now we will be together Sam and I, my parents and my sister. Do not be sad for me, be happy I can finally rest in peace.
Love
Josh
THE END
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