How History Was Changed
A Humorous Tale by Ugluk and Shagrat
A/N: This story is what we would like to do to…certain people from history…movie history, that is. In case you were wondering, yes, it is supposed to be extremely stupid and badly written. But, you may find it, if nothing else, a bit amusing.
One day, two girls were taking a walk through a deep, dark forest, when unexpectedly, they saw two rings lying in a clump of grass near the base of a tree.
"Wow, what's this?" asked Lindsey, reaching down and picking them both up.
"Hey, cool!" cried Alyssa. "Let me see!" She took one of the rings from Lindsey and tried it on. Lindsey, in turn, put on the other. Instantly, a huge genie appeared out of nowhere and thundered:
"I am the slave of the rings! Where in history would you like to visit?"
"Oh, sweet! You mean we can go back in time?" asked Lindsey.
"I want to go to…Troy!" proclaimed Alyssa. "Then, we can change what happened."
"Your wish is granted," said the genie. "You are in Troy." The girls saw that it was true. They were standing in front of a massive stone wall with an immense wooden gate off to their left a ways. They both gasped in wonder. The genie spoke again:
"Whatever you wish for while in this time period will happen…however, you may not wish to kill someone, or to make someone fall in love with you. In fact, I would suggest that you wish to be invisible, lest any harm befall you. If you want to wish for something, all you need do is rub your ring and speak your wish aloud. Farewell." The genie vanished into thin air.
"This is, totally, awesome!" cried Lindsey. "Oh, I have the BEST idea!" Lindsey rubbed her ring and wished for a video camera. It appeared in her hands the second the words left her lips.
"Whoa, cool!" she said, turning it on and panning the scene. "Hey, why is it so dark in here?"
"You might try taking off the lens cap!" suggested Alyssa.
"Oh, whoops," said Lindsey, doing as she was instructed. "Let's go inside now."
"We're invisible, right?" confirmed Alyssa, as Lindsey got a good shot of the towering walls.
"Yep," said Lindsey, even though they were not. Neither of them had heard correctly what the genie said. All they had heard was the word 'invisible', and so they automatically assumed that they were already that. Lindsey rubbed her ring and wished that they were through the wall. Instantly, they found themselves inside the city, staring at a bustling street lined on either side with shops and marketplaces. Lindsey filmed away for several minutes. Suddenly, a fat guy approached them, who happened to be called Glaucous. Alyssa thought he was the ugliest guy in the whole world, but Lindsey thought he was buff.
"Hey, Alyssa, we should play a trick on him," said Lindsey. "It would be really funny since we are invisible."
"Ok!" Glaucous turned towards the girls and gave them a strange look.
"Can he see us?" asked Lindsey. "I think he can. Sir, say something for the camera!" Glaucous murmured something in Greek, and eyed them suspiciously. Alyssa soon figured that they had better wish to be invisible, just in case, so she did and their wish was granted. Glaucous' eyes grew wide with horror and he ran away shouting:
"Hektor! Hektor!" A moment later, Glaucous returned, followed by Prince Hector. Lindsey got a good deal of them both on film. Glaucous was obviously explaining that he had seen two strange girls who had suddenly vanished before his eyes. He was describing wildly what he had seen, but Hector didn't seem to believe him very much.
Meanwhile, Lindsey had been filming Hector and Glaucous, the wondrous sights of the city, and the many people therein. After an hour or so of this, they resolved to get back to the plan, which was to save Troy and Hector. So they meandered back to the gate to see what could be done. They soon noticed Hector, armed and ready for battle, walking out the gates. They quickly followed after him and heard the gates shutting behind them. Hector halted soon, and the girls did also. They were staring at another warrior a pace away, clad in black and gold shining armor with a tall spear in hand and a crested helmet atop his head. He was Achilles.
After a brief tête-à-tête, the warriors began to duel. The battle grew fiercer and fiercer and soon the girls could take it no longer.
(Warning: this is where it gets extremely stupid) Without even thinking, Alyssa rubbed her ring and gave her wish. Instantly, Achilles' weapons and armor disappeared. He was holding a toothpick where his sword had been and on his feet he wore six-inch tall spike high-heel shoes in a sickening shade of pink. But, worst of all, he was wearing a pink lace thong! Both warriors disengaged in horror. After the initial shock of this had passed and Achilles had noted what extreme embarrassment was now to befall him, his face grew red with anger and humiliation. A small smile grew on Hector's face, however. Now, laughter was beginning to waft down from the walls and Achilles stamped his high-heeled foot in a fury. All at once, he turned and sprinted away to his chariot, riding away as fast as he could.
Alyssa and Lindsey high-fived and cheered enthusiastically.
"Well…that should take care of HIM!" giggled Alyssa. They laughed hysterically for at least five minutes on end. After this was over, however, they wished to go ahead a bit in time and find out what would happen then. They learned that when Achilles had arrived at the Greek camp, Agamemnon, Menelaus, and all who saw him were shaken to the core.
"If Hector can do this to the strongest and the best of our warriors just think what he could do to us!" Odysseus had cried in horror. Within half a day, the entire Greek army had struck camp and fled back to Greece in a panic. Achilles, who had since lost his mind, ran around insanely, tripping over his own feet periodically, and joined a tribe of wild natives, who wore much the same garb as he did. He lived there for the rest of his life.
"Hey, Genie!" called Lindsey. "Now that we've saved Troy and Hector, we want to go forward in time to…um…Middle-Ages, you know, the Crusades, the ones with Balian and Guy and all of those dudes?"
"Your wish is granted!" they heard. Instantly, they were inside of another tall city wall, staring at two fat guys. They were both richly dressed and had stern, cruel countenances. Lindsey and Alyssa knew who they were at once: Guy and Renald.
"Hey," whispered Alyssa, "what should we go with this time?"
"I've got the perfect thing," said Lindsey, taking a moment to film everything. "Trust me." Soon after, she rubbed her ring and gave her desire, which was instantly granted. Guy and Renald were immediately dressed in nothing but horribly small pink leopard spotted thongs with hot pink lace attached to the side, as well as fake eyelashes adorning their eyes.
"What is going on!" they both cried at once, in dismay. But Lindsey wasn't finished there. She kept speaking. Guy and Renald found themselves in small, immovable, indestructible cages in the middle of the Jerusalem market, being eyed curiously by about five-hundred people.
"Get us out of here!" ordered Guy. Some men tried, but the cages were indestructible and had no doors. It was no use.
"Well, then at least find us some clothes!" commanded Renald. A tailor quickly brought them the richest clothing he could find, but when he tried to hand it through the bars, it disappeared. Lindsey had wished that anything that was put into the cage, besides food and water, would disappear and reappear back where it had originally come from. In this case, the tailor found it back in his shop.
Guy and Renald were howling with rage by then, and this only caused a great chortle from the crowd, who realized that the tyrannical Guy and his adherent were rendered inoperative for the rest of their lives.
"Well," said Alyssa, "I'd say our job here is done! The Saracens will not attack and Jerusalem will be under the SLIGHTLY better direction of Balian. Let's go!"
Their next stop was a battle field in William Wallace's time. The English stood in perfect formations on one side, with pompous Longshanks in the front, while the Scottish stood in somewhat less perfect rows on the other, with William Wallace at their head.
"Oooo," cackled Alyssa, "this is gonna be fun! Can I do it this time?"
"Sure."
An instant later, the English all looked down to notice that they were each and every one dressed in skimpy French bikinis! They stood in utter shock for a moment before turning tale and fleeing with loud shrieks of alarm. Longshanks, on the other hand, had a far worse time of it. He had been riding a horse when the magic began, but now he was riding an angry pink rhinoceros. It bucked him off easily and the Scots captured him. They then sold him for ransom and promise of peace, which they had soon after. Lindsey filmed the entire thing. And then, they took the tape back and showed several of their teachers.
"Hmm," commented Mr. Jones, "that's an interesting movie. Do you think they have it down at the video rental place?"
"But, Mr. Jones, we were there! We promise! We did all of that! We made all of the bad guys wear irremovable thongs and high heels! You've got to believe us!"
"Um…I think you two need to go on home and ask your mom if she can give you a LITTLE less sugar from now on, ok?"
Finis