/Important/ NOTE: This whole story is going to be about mental illness and such. It is not a very happy story. The specific illnesses are Schizophrenia and Psychosis. This will have many depressing things in it. The name is from the song Calalini, it's about a girl named Jani who's schizophrenic. If you have the time I seriously recommend looking up the song and Jani's story. ^v^
I moved uncomfortably in my seat. How long had we been in the car anyway? "Alfred, So what did you think? Do you think everything went okay?" mom asked this every time. "Yeah fine" the sarcastic tone hung in the air I also said this every time. She looked at me with the usual hurt expression. "Are you-" "Yes!" I was tired of this being the same thing over and over. Every time is the same. "Alfred!" She shouted back, horrified. She was on the verge of tears. I felt pretty bad, but I just couldn't stand the awful repetition, it never helped anything. It never did. "Don't worry Alfred!" she sniffled out, the sympathetic tone made me feel torn between feeling touched that she cared, and angered because she looked down at me and just felt bad. I always wanted to be the one to help. I wanted to be the hero. Not the constant helpless victim.
Maybe I should have said something, I didn't though. I looked out the window. I hated this long trip we made so often. The way back always had such a suffocating dark atmosphere. I tensed up looking out the window. "Go away..." mom looked back instantly. "Is everything alright honey" she asked in the voice that sounded nice and caring, but held so much fear. She'd gotten better at it over the years. "Nothing" I answered her, looking back out the window. I didn't really notice that my answer to her question didn't actually make sense. She, of course, noticed this. She always noticed that stuff.
"Honey, just don't focus on it! Eventually it should all go away. Especially now that the medication is better" she smiled in an attempt to comfort me, but my panicked expression stopped her hopes of that. "Mom no! They can't go away!" I pleaded. "Alfred just- I'm sorry, but I need to focus on driving. We can talk about it when we get home. Okay?" I didn't answer her, just looked back out the window.
It was already dark out, not necessarily pitch black yet, but that sort of dark blue purple colour that happens before. "Alfred!" I jumped at the loud sound of my name being called. I looked to see what it was. His eyes glimmered in the dark car. "Hey Alfred why do you have to bother your family so much!" his voice ended in an angry snarl. "Stop!" I shouted back at him, "It is not my fault!" I argued. "Yes it is! You should at least feel grateful! They could just dump you off somewhere, say you're too crazy but haha they don't!" I can never understand why he laughs when he does, just randomly adds laughter into a sentence, it seems unrelated. I didn't mind it usually.
"Alfred!" the out of focus sound got louder and clearer. "Alfred! Hey! Snap out of it!" I realised we were pulled over. "Sorry..." I mumbled out. "You need to tell us if things are getting worse." I didn't say anything. "We're almost home. When we get home we can talk about it. Okay?" No "Yes mom" I sighed. He looked at me again "Sorry for getting you caught?" He offered the apology with an awkward tone.
As we walked inside I heard my dads voice call out from the kitchen "Welcome back!" he greeted. He walked out to greet us. "So, how'd it go?"
he asked looking specifically at me. I was supposed to answer. "Good I guess" I didn't know a more positive way to say it. Mom took over from there "The doctors prescribed a different medicine. They say it should help a lot. They say he can go back to school next week" My jaw must have dropped. I had not heard that part. "What?" I asked. "If you don't think that it's a good idea that's fine" she looked at me examining my expression. She turned to my dad "Honestly James, I don't think it's a good idea. Too risky" my mom was always so worried. I felt bad again. "Please Mom?" I pleaded. She looked into my eyes, it was sort of unnerving. "But what about what happened? I don't think you're ready yet Alfred" her tone was desperately trying to persuade me to her point. "What happened?" my dad asked, his voice a mix of worry and curiosity. She gave him a full overview of the wonderful time, I thought she made it over dramatic.
Sitting down at the table always held uncomfortable discussions. "So how are you feeling?" This translated to 'are you about to start shouting at nothing like a psycho again?'. "I'm fine." this time I said without a sarcastic tone. "So what happened in the car?" Why so many questions I thought to myself "I-" how was I supposed to answer that. "Who was it?" I inwardly cringed, I didn't like talking about it. They both seemed to realise that the question was making me uncomfortable. "Don't you want them to go away?" I got this question every time. It was a constantly reoccurring concern I mean who would want such awful hallucinations. But I was not usually to be predicted.
I never liked explaining why I didn't want them to go away. I knew that it was bad for me but as weird as it sounds you get attached to them. "Don't you?" they pressed on. "No" I didn't dignify why I said so, I didn't want to explain. Silence settled and it was just quiet for a while. "Can I ask you something Alfred? My dad asked with hesitance. "Yeah?" what was I going to be asked next. "Which one's your favourite?" My mom's expression was shocked. "Umm...What?" I asked confused. "Why would you ask that?" my mom fired at him, I was as confused but not angry. "We might as well try to understand" I still sat, confused as ever, I just focused on the light static-y sound.
"Your hallucinations Alfred. Which is your favourite?" Oh. What an odd question. "Umm...My favourite?" I awkwardly pondered my thoughts. Ever since I was little I had 'imaginary friends' with odd little names. My parents become concerned when they got out of control, and how they'd tell me to do things. One of the first was a white canine like creature named no name. I didn't no what to call such an odd thing, so the younger me came up with that. He resembled a large wolf or fox I guess, and every once in a while he appears as a white haired boy, but that's not too often. He's one of the more pleasant ones, he was who I saw in the car. I chose him as the answer. My mom looked uncomfortable while my dad just looked curious. "Why is he your favourite?" I didn't like talking about this, but I still answered "He is okay, he's not really cruel like some others..." I looked away. The stupid static was getting louder. "Can I go to bed?" I asked, I was exhausted, and I was tired of people. Then the routine of 'really you're tired' and 'are you all right' then of course medicine and finally sleep.
I lay down and stared at the ceiling. How long till the medicine worked was the question of the moment. It seemed like a minute but it was probably several, when I heard a knock at my door. Hallucination or real? I could not tell. I just looked expectantly at the door. My dad walked in, "Your mom and I have talked it over and we've decided that if it seem like the medications working we'll let you go to school next week" I was happy, some sort of normalcy would return. That's what I've also always wanted. He stood at the door "Are you sure you're prepared to?" he asked, he didn't sound doubting, just concerned. "Yeah, I'll be fine." I really wanted to go to school again. "Alright, well get some sleep" he said a quick goodnight and I was alone again.
I sighed as the static became more and more annoying. "Damn it!" I groaned out trying to at least quiet it by covering my head with a pillow. "Hey!" I stopped trying to stop the noise. I contemplated whether it would be better to ignore them or just go ahead and humour them. "Hey Alfred!" Damn it! It had to be him. Ignoring him usually didn't work. It went on all night. No sleep for me.
At three in the morning I heard the door open and close. Mattie was home. I might as well get up. "Hey Matt!" I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the door frame. He looked up from his mug, "What are you up for?" He asked. His voice held a concern that didn't make me feel looked down upon, which was why he was always who I went to first. "Couldn't sleep" It didn't need anymore explanation than that. No name sat in the corner, his eyes glimmered oddly. "What are you looking at?" he asked, not in the 'why are you looking at nothing' way but a curious innocent question. "They're not really as bad now" was all I gave in reply.
Right before Matthew was going to go visit his friend who lived in Canada was when I was in a pretty bad state. He decided he would stay home instead but I convinced him to go. I didn't want to hold more people back. It was a little bit after he left that things got really bad. You never really take the time to value privacy...
Me and Matt talked for a bit before he said he was going to bed. The medication had started to work. I lay down and actually fell asleep. I got to sleep well for the first time in a while. I didn't wake up until noon and it felt nice. Maybe things could be good again. Yes, just some medicine and focusing and things will be normal again. Because I think that is what I wanted.
AN: Oh god. So note how this is so messy and ooc and everything! This is both because it's supposed to look like it's from the mind of someone who's thoughts aren't the clearest, and I wrote this pretty... I don't know I'm surprised by how weird it looks. Also I promise Alfred will be more in character later, I mean you have to know that someone would act a bit different in this situation. Arthur will come in next chapter. Yay! Please favourite, follow, and review! ~Meow