"Iggy Potter and the Dastardly Detention": Part 1
By lirael927
DISCLAIMER: Everything in this story belongs to J.K. Rowling. I am but a poor college student. Please don't sue me.
WARNING: All die-hard Gryffindor fans might want to stop reading this now.
Ignotus Harry James Sirius Peverell Potter, of Number 12 Grimmauld Place in London, was proud to say that he was a perfectly normal wizard, thank you very much. Of course, no one would believe him when he told them that, for, as his relatives insisted on reminding him, he was a descendant of the noble lineage of the Great Harry Potter, the Chosen One who slew the Dark Lord Voldemort nearly two centuries ago.
Actually, he hadn't heard from his family much since the day he left London for his first year of Hogwarts, since the day that (apparently) he did the most evil, the most despicable, the most scandalous deed imaginable.
Yes, Ignotus Potter, the very great grandson of the Boy Who Lived, had got himself Sorted into Slytherin.
He tried to explain to his parents that it wasn't his fault the Sorting Hat decided he was a better fit for Slytherin than for Gryffindor, the standard house for pretty much everyone of the Potter line (there were a couple Ravenclaws here and there, but no one really paid any attention to them. They were all a bunch of nerdy weirdoes who were usually only distantly related anyways); but that didn't stop the assault of Howlers from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. that attacked him every day at breakfast for the first three weeks of school. Despite the detrimental effects this had on his social status, he did manage to make one good friend: Virgo Malfoy, a clever, sharp-tongued girl in the same house and year as he.
"Virgie-Virg!" he called out to her at breakfast one cloudy morning.
She turned around on her bench to give him a particularly nasty glare. "How come you get to call me Virgie-Virg but I don't get to call you Iggy Pop?"
"Because, unlike you, I don't get to listen to the occasional vintage Muggle CD; my complete ignorance of Muggle pop culture makes my nickname for you all the funnier."
Iggy was rewarded with a brief smirk quickly hidden by Virgo's platinum blond hair. She sucked at pretending to be angry with him – so much so, in fact, that he wondered if this was intentional.
"Hey Slytherfreaks!"
And just when the morning was starting to look promising, in strolled James Harry Ronald Sirius Potter, Iggy's first cousin, wearing his Gryffindor scarf, tie, and prefect's badge with pride. "Sorry to interrupt your little conversation, but it's my duty as a prefect to remind you that Parseltongue is forbidden here at Hogwarts."
"We weren't speaking in Parseltongue, you git!" Iggy cried hotly.
"Relax, Iggy," said Virgo coolly, looking at James with the utmost scorn. "Anything said by an intelligent human being probably sounds like Parseltongue to him."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that if I were you, Malfoy," said James, sidling over to molest a lock of her hair, "You know that only makes me hornier."
Grossed out beyond all belief, Iggy grabbed James and managed to yank him away from his friend (much to his surprise, considering his cousin was at least ten pounds heavier than he was; his strength was probably aided by a mix of adrenaline and shame from having such a creepy slimeball for a cousin). "Cut it out, James, she's eleven; she's four years younger than you!"
"That's how I know she'll feel okay calling me 'Daddy'," James said leeringly. "Besides, I'll bet you anything Little Miss Virgo here isn't so much of a 'virgo' as she appears to be. Come on, girl, admit it: you're nice and easy underneath that little green skirt, aren't you?"
BAM!
Virgo's punch hit James right in the groin, making him stagger back a few steps. Almost everyone at the Slytherin table began laughing and applauding at the sight of him doubled over and crying like a five-year-old.
"Now if you'll excuse me, Iggy, I have to go wash my hands. Who knows where that pervert's been."
"Not so fast, Miss Malfoy!" said Professor Palladium as she marched over to them, her scowl looking even more pronounced than usual.
"P-Professor Palladium," gasped James, "Virgo and Ignotus, they were speaking in Parseltongue! I tried to tell them to stop, and then Virgo punched me!"
"He's lying, Professor! Virgo punched him because he was sexually harassing her!"
"Quiet, Mr. Potter. James would never do such a thing. He is a prefect, after all, and a Gryffindor prefect at that," said Professor Palladium, gazing proudly at one of her favorite students.
"Oh, but that's not all, Professor," James sneered. "I couldn't make out most of their conversation – since they were talking in Parseltongue – but I could've sworn I heard a hissing version of the word 'Mudblood'. I think they were calling some poor Muggle-born student a Mudblood, Professor!"
"Merlin's Beard," breathed the professor, "Never in my twenty-five years of teaching have I heard such language. I must say, Malfoy, this does not help your family's standing in the wizarding world one bit, filthy Death Eater clan that it is."
"For your information, my family hasn't been purist for at least 150 years. In fact, we Malfoys have done the most Muggle-wizard intermarrying than any other wizarding family in the past decade alone. We've had to in order to keep from dying out. Meanwhile, families like the Potters and the Weasleys have inbred so much I'm surprised their eyes still look in the same direction. No offense, Iggy."
"None taken. Can't be an insult if it's true."
"Enough!" shouted Palladium, her eyes twitching. "Tonight both of you will have detention. Miss Malfoy, you will help Groundskeeper Kelp gather unicorn hair out in the Forbidden Forest; as for you, Mr. Potter, you will serve your detention by tidying up the Gryffindor common room. And I'm taking 20 points from Slytherin and giving them to Gryffindor."
"Not that we need it. We're already in a hundred-point lead over every other House. At least," James declared smugly.
"And deservedly so," said the professor, nodding in agreement. "I do hope, Mr. Potter, that your evening among the Gryffindors will teach you how a proper descendant of the Great Harry Potter is supposed to behave." And with that, she turned and marched back to the staff table, James following triumphantly behind her.
Iggy scowled at their retreating backs. "I doubt it."
TO BE CONTINUED