There's a fine line between love and friendship, and I may have crossed it. I didn't understand though, what the fluttering in my stomach meant. Every single time I saw his beautiful features I sighed, knowing he could never, would never commit to me. I was the inferior dullard, the one mother loved less, and he was the one that was loved most, gifted in every aspect of his being, but I could never have him.
Loz and I would watch in awe as he dispatched all of his opponents, quickly, smoothly, artistically. He wouldn't even break a sweat, and I was utterly jealous. I could never have his speed or his artistic ability with a weapon, although I was gifted, I felt cheated. Mother talked to him more, praised him more, while I sat in the corner, rejected.
As I'm sitting here trying to decipher my feelings I wonder how you can love one person so much, and at the same time want to tear them limb from limb out of sheer spit. How can you be so jealous and greedy, while also being infatuated and awed? MOTHER! I don't understand! Is this something you put in my way? To test me? Am I supposed to love Kadaj as a brother, or something more?
As I cry on this page of paper I decide that I can never, will never confess to any of these feelings. I will never tell him how I love the way his short hair blows in the wind, or his beautiful mako eyes sparkle in the sun light, or the way he shakes when he is frightened, or the way he confidently rides his motor-bike, or when he smiles, OH that smile!
I decide that as long as I am alive, I will always have a souba at my throat, or velvet nightmare at my head, when ever I have the erg to tell him that I love him as something more then I should, that I love him more then a best friend, more than family, more then a brother. I love him as I would a lover.
Even though I tell him everything, this is something he can never know.