Raven's POV
He's staring at me. Again.
He's been staring at me for the past fifteen minutes, and I know why. He's trying to get me to talk to him. He won't look away when I catch him or even pretend to be embarrassed.
He's such a pain.
Rolling my eyes at his intense gaze, i turn to the window. It was snowing lightly outside, and the heaters were turned up all the way inside. Cyborg was pulling food from the fridge and Star was getting ready to challenge him to eat as much as they can. Robin was researching... something.
He was just staring at me. Sitting on the couch with his video game console in hand, but not paying attention to the screen. Even turned away, i could see him through the reflection on the glass.
What does he want?
Suddenly the room felt too hot. There was too much laughter. Too much noise. Not enough space.
Lifting my hood back onto my head, my feet lift up off the ground.
"Where are you going?" Robin looks up from his computer.
Starfire and Cyborg immediately look up from their food, cheeks bulging with the contents of our fridge.
"Wha's w'ong?" Cyborg asks with a full mouth.
"Do you need water?" Star swallows her mouthful and begins to get up.
"I have a headache," i say after a pause. Not a lie. "I dont need anything. I'm gonna lie down. Don't disturb me."
They know better than to annoy me when im really not in the mood. Well, most of them do.
Beast Boy watches me, quieter than he's ever been. There was something different about his green eyes. They weren't as happy as they usually were. Ugh, he was always so annoyingly energetic all the time. It hurt my eyes just to look at him sometimes.
"Raven..." Starfire looks after me as i slide through the double doors and head for my room.
"I'm fine," i snap, maybe a little too harshly. The doors hiss shut behind me.
In my room, i leave the lights off. The circle of candles snapped to life as i sat on the ground in the center. Crossing my legs, i rest my hands on my knees and close my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out.
"Azarath, metrion, zinthos," i mumble.
Breathe in. "Azarath, metrion-" Breathe out slowly "-Zinthos."
There was a wavering in my voice. Try again, Raven. Breathe in.
"Azarath, metrion-"
Breathe out.
"- zinthos..."
I cant focus. My head was pounding and there were thoughts swirling all through my mind. I don't know why- nothing went wrong all day. So why can't i focus on calming myself down?
My hands curl into fists and i shut my eyes tighter. "Raven, focus."
I try again. Breathe in. Out. In. Ou-
There were noises coming from the main room. Laughing. They were happy. It was only a few days before Christmas here, any way. The others were all excited for another day in the year. I didn't see any difference in it. We gave each other gifts. That's all i understood. We spent time together.
We were a family.
What are you talking about, Raven?
The little voice hummed in the back of my mind. I shouldn't listen to her.
Oh come on, Rae. You can't possibly believe that you could be one of them.
I take in a shuddering breath. I need to block her out. "Azarath-"
Your little chant wont help you not hear me, you know.
"-Metrion-"
You can't block me out, Rae. You need me. You are nothing without me.
The candlelight flickered. No. I have to stay calm.
"-Zin-"
No, Raven. You aren't like them. You're the spawn of a demon. You know that, don't you?
My breath caught in my chest. Spawn of a demon. The candles threatened to go out now. There was a draft in the room.
Try again, Raven. Stay calm.
"Azarath, metrion-"
I'm not going away. You have no choice.
No. No. I shouldn't listen.
The draft in the room became a breeze. One candle blew out. My hood flew back.
"Stop," I clench and unclench my fists.
What's that? Little Raven has something to say? I can't hear you.
"Stop," i hiss, trying to steady my already ragged breathing. I was being lifted off the ground.
You know I'm right, Rae. All i said was the truth. You're the spawn of a demon. Born for evil.
My head pounded even harder now. Things were being knocked off my tables. My books flipped open and slipped onto the floor.
"Shut up," I say, voice louder. "Shut up."
I can't, Raven. I am your voice. And i'm telling you the truth.
No. This is not the truth. I am not evil. I'm not bad.
Aren't you? Oh, Raven. If you weren't bad, then why do you bring pain on everyone you meet?
Pain. I know my fair share of pain.
"Be quiet." My voice echoed off the walls. The breeze got stronger.
It's no use Raven. Your fight is in vain.
No. Shut up. I feel my heart hammer in my chest. I cant let my emotions consume me. I have to calm down.
Listen Raven.
Raven, dont listen.
Raven.
Raven, no.
Yes.
No. Yes. No. NO.
"NO!"
I didn't mean to shout. I didnt mean for the bedpost to crack in half. I didnt mean for the candles to explode into flying shards of wax. My mirror cracked, giving me a hazy glimpse of my blazing red eyes before it shattered into a hundred jagged blades.
I screamed as the pain shot through my forehead.
Raven.
Dont listen to her, Raven. You know better.
Raven!
No.
"RAVEN!"
My eyes snap open and everything freezes. I'm floating up above the circle where five white candles were only a moment ago. My bed had broken in several parts. My books had been thrown all over the room and pages were torn out. The other Titans stood in the doorway, looking up at me, eyes wide. They were stricken with terror. Scared of me.
And gravity pulled me down to the hard floor. I expected to hit splintered wood and sharp glass, but i didn't.
Beast Boy had his arms stretched out to catch me.
"Raven..." Starfire stepped forward, concern taking the place of fear. "What happened? Your room is a mess!"
"Are you hurt?" Robin added. "What did you do?"
What did you do? What will you do?
I slipped out of Beast Boy's arms and adjusted my cloak. "I'm-"
"You're not fine, Rae," Cyborg shook his head. "Anyone can see that."
And once again the anger began to rise in me. "Its none of your business!"
My shout resounded through the hall. But im not done yet.
"Can't you all just leave me alone?" I gripped the cloth in both hands.
That's right, the voice purred. Keep going.
"Don't be like this-" Beast Boy started, reaching for me. I glared at him.
"Don't tell me how i should or shouldn't act," i hiss. "I don't want to talk to any one right now. Just go away!"
Ooh, so much anger. So many emotions. Perfect.
Pushing him out of my room, i shove past the others and disappear down the hall. I didn't need to deal with them right now. I didn't need to be the reason their Christmas was ruined, though i'm pretty sure its too late for that.
The roof was usually the perfect place to be when one needed silence. Tonight, however, it was covered in lights and pillows, cushions and bean bags. There were ornaments scattered across the floor and garlands and ribbons stretched along the edge of the roof. Twinkling lights were strung in long ropes from the top of the tower all the way to the ground.
The still, chilly air and bright city lights welcomed me as i appeared amidst the pile of empty boxes previously containing ornaments.
That was a wonderful show you put on back there.
"Shut up," i hiss at the voice in my head. It sounded so much like my own, but it wasn't mine. "Go away."
Oh, dear child, She laughed. I can't. We are one. Accept it.
"We are not," i spat. The boxes shook slightly and i remembered to breath deeply.
Well, in any case, I am the only one you can talk to. Only i can ever understand you.
As much as i hate to admit it, this much was true. I doubt any of the other Titans would know much about being born to a demon. They wouldn't be able to empathize. I doubt any of them have felt what i've felt. The pain, the anger, the loneliness. No, they couldn't have. Unlike them, I was born to be damned.
See? She points out. You agree with me. Besides, no one wants to hear your complaining. But im always here.
I throw myself down into the pile of boxes and groan. This voice in my head isn't very helpful.
Maybe you're better off without them.
What kind of advice was that? "Don't be stupid," I roll my eyes.
I was being serious. Leave them. You're stronger than all of them anyway. You should have no problem fending for yourself.
I'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought of this before. But i couldn't just up and leave the Titans. Even if they didn't need, or want, me, I still had nowhere else to go. But still. What was the point of staying where i wasn't needed? Where I wasn't wanted? But... that would be treason.
"I won't leave," I say decidedly. It was a stupid thought in the first place.
Then you'll just slowly go mad here. You know it.
I pulled myself up into a sitting position and crossed my legs. I waited for her to continue.
They'll drive you insane, Rae. Soon.
"They already do," i roll my eyes. "Every day."
You'll be trapped here. Your own personal Hell.
The door to the roof creaked open. "Raven?" came the familiar voice.
And if they don't, the voice cooed before fading away, then I certainly will.
"Raven," Beast Boy came up behind me. "Who were you talking to?"
I clench my fists, expecting a harsh reply to shoot from my mouth. But nothing came out. She must be sitting back and enjoying the chaos she started. "No one."
He lowered himself down next to me. For a moment there was silence. That was rare with Beast Boy.
"Well?" I grumbled impatiently. "What do you want?"
Is he just here to tell me that i'm not okay? That he knows i just need to talk and the Titans are always willing to listen? Is this some kind of intervention? Is he here to tell me I'm too problematic?
"Can't a guy just sit next to someone he cares about?" The green eyed boy shrugged.
So this is an intervention.
"Listen," i stand up, brushing off my cloak. "I dont need you to tell me everything is not alright. I dont need you to tell me that im not okay. I know myself, so I'm telling you that i am fine. I dont need your help."
Beast Boy only got up after me. "C'mon, Rae," he called in his slightly raspy voice. It was always like that. "I know that you aren't yourself right now and-"
"Aren't I?" I snap. How dare he decide who i am and who i'm not. "I assure you, Beast Boy, I haven't changed a bit. This is exactly who i am."
He sighs. "Rae, calm down-"
"I am calm!" The boxes burst into snapping white-hot flames, only inches away from Beast Boy. He flinches at my change in tone, but doesn't move away from the fire.
"I'm only trying to help you, Raven," he looks at me, pleading with his eyes. "Please, don't make this harder for yourself. Just take a few deep breaths... and talk to me. It'll help. I'll listen."
Why is he making it seem as if I'm some toddler, throwing a tantrum because Daddy didn't buy her that doll? He doesn't know a thing about being a good listener. Besides I felt more comfortable inside my own head, where no one else has to listen to the only things that keep me on the brink of insanity, yet sane at the same time.
Hm?
She came back.
Did you just admit that you like me here?
"No!" I growl. Beast Boy raises an eyebrow.
"What is it?" He steps forward. I shake my head.
"Nothing. Talking to me isnt going to get you anywhere, so just go back downstairs and enjoy your video games."
Beast Boy looked hurt. "Is that all you think I'm good for? Playing games and goofing off? You don't think that i could be deep and sensitive like you?"
Well, when he puts it that way...
I stayed silent.
"Well," he crosses his arms. "At least i'm not always depressed like you are! All you do is mope around, with your hood up and that dark attitude. 'Oh look at me, I'm Raven. I'm always sad and depressed and angry. No one gets me, no one cares about what i feel.'"
He paused for a second to let the words sink in. "You know, Rae, if you stopped pushing us away, you'd see that we do care."
Liessss.
The voice had taken a form inside my head. She became a snake, winding around my mind. It was as if i could feel her squeeze the air from my lungs. The words echo in my skull, bouncing around inside. Demon-child. Good for inflicting pain.
"No you don't," i turn away, pulling my hood up over my head. Covering myself from all the lies. "You won't understand. None of you care to listen."
"Who is telling you these things?" Beast Boy sounded exasperated. "Is it one of the many Raven's you've got in your head?"
Tell him. The snake laughed. Who isss thisss horrible creature that'ss feeding you all thessse lieess?
"The voices are all one person," I snap at him, trying to push the snake out of my head. "Me. They are me and I am them. If you have a problem with that, I dont care."
Beast Boy's eyebrows knit together. "Rae."
One word. That's all he said. The same word has come out of his mouth several times before, and all those times the only thing I felt toward him was annoyance. So why does that one word, coming from his mouth make my gut wrench? Why does that word make the snake- viper - hiss and cackle? Why am i falling to my knees?
Why am i crying? Why are Beast Boy's arms immediately around my shoulders?
"S-stop," I try to speak firmly, but my voice only shivers and fails to leave my mouth. Pushing myself away from him was no use, he held me firmly against him.
What's this? The venomous viper sneers. This is unexpected...ly amusing.
"Shut up," I whisper, unable to get my voice any louder. The sobs ran through my body violently. "Shut up."
"Shh," Beast Boy turns me so that I was more comfortably sheltered against him. "It's okay. I'm here."
Yes, but for how long? Surely not after he sees your true form... Right, Raven?
No, that's not true. That can't be true.
The only sound on the roof is my uncontrollable sobs. This is so embarrassing. I don't remember ever breaking down like this. I never let my emotions get so out of hand.
"Raven," Beast Boy whispers as he slips my hood down. "Breathe."
I looked up and through tear filled eyes, i saw the reflection of dark tongues of fire where the garlands hung, where the tables and bean bag chairs laid. The sky had turned a murky shade of grey. This only made me collapse against him. I was forged from the very flames of Hell. Why am I so weak now? For someone like me to cry out to a god i dont even know exists... is it right?
"I'm sorry..." I wrapped my arms around him, gripping the back of his uniform. "I d-didn't mean... I didn't want any of this t-to happen."
"I know," Beast Boy is unusually calm. His voice is low. Like that time he told me he was ditching the nice-guy act. "I know."
How can he sit here in the middle of rows of my cursed fire, holding my cursed body? In the midst of this chaos, how can he be so calm? So... Not scared? This is unlike either of us.
But i can't help myself. I'm still holding on to him. He's still holding me, fingers running through my hair.
If i let go, nothing else will anchor me to reality. The voice has grown silent, but i know she is only lurking in the corner of my mind, waiting for another chance to strike. Her presence itself brings back the terrible memories filled with terror and anger, memories that flashed behind my closed eyelids like lightning and set fire to my already bruised mind.
"She's telling me," I shove my head against Beast Boy's chest, as if that would block out her echoing voice. "That I have no one."
I don't know why I'm telling him this, but everything just comes out. I need to spill everything. The air around us gets hotter as the fire closes in and my mind threatens to cave, threatens to crumble.
"You have us, Rae," Beast Boy lifts my head so he could look me in the eyes. I must look so pathetic. "You have me."
I start to shake my head. I push my hands to my face and scream. It's not the sound a mentally stable human makes. But then again, i was never really mentally stable nor a human. It's only fitting to describe the sound as one that an animal caught in a snare might make. The strangled plea for a savior.
"I'm always here," Beast Boy holds me close again. "I always have been."
"I am so sorry," I manage in between gasps for breath. "I've hurt you so much... You shouldn't be doing this. I don't deserve-"
I'm not met with silence. I'm met with warm, soft lips preventing any more words from leaving my mouth. Beast Boy held the back of my head as he kissed me, pulled back, and rested his forehead against mine.
"Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing," he says with a small smile.
Maybe he's not the savior I deserve, but he is the savior i need.