A/N- Hello readers! This is my first attempt at writing a fanfiction, although I'm working on two other stories at the moment as well. The first story is about what would happen if Naruto left Konoha with the forbidden scroll instead of waiting for Mizuki. The second is a Bleach/Naruto crossover involving Naruto landing in Soul Society after death, only problem is he's affected by Aizen's zanpakuto while Aizen is performing konso on his soul. This story IS a self-insert involving me and my close friend. NEITHER of our characters are going to be bloodline wielders and will start the academy at the same level as all civilian children do (excluding the knowledge they obtained during their actual lives). Now without further ado I present the first chapter of Stoner Ninja.
Disclaimer- I sadly do not own Naruto, that honor belongs to Kishimoto-sama, who can give me the rights to it at anytime! (Then the Narutoverse would be introduced to a pothead Gai...maybe he'd shut up about FLAMES OF YOUTH then or just not yell.)
Chapter 1-
The sky was a dark black, the clouds intertwining and twirling in an ominous but strangely beautiful way. The roads were empty save for a single car in the largest town in Massachusetts as the latest hurricane tore through. The car contained two nineteen year old boys, who were doing what they do best, smoking weed. As the night wore on the weather got worse and worse but the boys didn't care. The driver was named Ray, he stood 5'10 with short brown hair and a close cropped goatee. He wore a simple pair of khaki cargo shorts with a Boston Red Sox shirt and cap on and was currently smoking a cigarette while singing along to the Taylor Swift song on the radio.
The other boy present was named Alex, he was 6' even with long brown hair that hung just below his eyes. He wore tight fitting grey jeans with a fox t-shirt and metal mulisha hat. He was focused on the cigar he was in the process of splitting in order to roll a blunt. The sky flashed a mix of white and blue for a solid 7-8 seconds immediately followed by a deafening crash as the sound thunder filled their ears. "Holy shit! That was the biggest one so far!" Alex half shouted to be heard over the roar of the wind and constant drumming of rain. This statement was followed by both boys erupting into a fit of almost hysteric giggling. As the song came to a close Ray continued the conversation they were having before they were interrupted by 'Love Story'.
"All I'm sayings that it doesn't matter how many strategies you make, if we were shinobi in the Naruto world I would beat you every time!" Ray exclaimed.
"The most dangerous weapon is a man's mind, brute force can only get you so far." Alex replied while in a mock thinking pose.
"Ehh, I still say I'd win. Is that almost finished?"
"Yeah, just give me a sec. I don't think either of us would be all that good of ninja anyways, we smoke to much." And ironically enough this was said as another blunt was being lit. The sky steadily got darker, but that wasn't noticeable with the almost constant bolts of lightning weaving it's way through the sky. The storm was getting worse and worse by the second, the boys didn't notice as they steadily smoked themselves stupid. "Hey Ray, uhh where the hell are we?!" Alex said after realizing he had no clue where they were.
"Uhh, I honestly don't know. I just kept driving on this road while we smoked. All I know is I can only see about 5 feet in front of me." As if some higher power heard this and decided to mess with the duo a giant bolt of lightning tore through the sky. The flash illuminated the entire area for a quarter mile wide, just in time for the boys to see the road turn off and them already heading off the edge of the road and straight down towards the ocean. If anyone could hear them screaming they'd compare it to a Justin Bieber concert, screaming little girls. With the flash ending neither of the duo could see the approaching water, but both knew the end was coming quickly. Both boys screaming while hugging each other, tears flowing from the knowledge death is coming. Both had the same thought seconds before they hit, "Please God, I don't want to die yet!"
Five minutes of crying, screaming, and hugging each other later, Alex realized they never made impact. "Ray!" he shouted, trying to get his attention. "AHHHHHH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE NEW TWO AND A HALF MEN!" A tick mark appeared on Alex's face at his friend ignoring him. "RAY!" he shouted accompanied by a slap across the face.
"Huh? We aren't dead?! What the fuck happened!?" Ray half shouted after realizing they were alive.
"I don't know what happened either, I just stopped screaming a second ago." Alex replied calmly, much more so than should be possible. Both finally took the opportunity to observe their surroundings. First thing they noticed, is that instead of being in the middle of a raging hurricane, they were seated on a boulder surrounded by bright white light with nothing else in view. "Dude are we in heaven do you think?" Alex questioned his partner in crime.
"Well if we are, this place is fucking awful! How are we supposed to spend an eternity sitting on a damn rock with nothing to do!" Ray said while at the same time crying anime tears.
"Well when you get to heaven isn't there supposed to be the pearly gates along with some guy to decide if your worthy or not? Actually I can't get into heaven as an atheist can I? What if when we get to the gates they hang me outside naked for everyone to point and laugh at? What if I was right all along with atheism and there is no god or heaven or anything after you die?" Ray during this had a steadily growing sweat-drop. "-and then they made me get tickled by evil gnomes while in front of all the pretty girls, then what would we do? Ray? Have you been listening?"
Ray who had in fact not been listening at all suddenly had an idea on how to spice things up a bit. "Alex, check your pockets." Alex went to check his pockets mumbling about "talking to my damn self". When his hand made it into his pocket a grin slowly started spreading over his face.
A tall man with flowing white robes and waist length white hair and beard was slowly walking the expanse of purgatory while mulling over the events of earlier. 'Damn stoners, turn my back for one second and they die seventy years early. Why can't things be easy?' The god of all silently thought while crying anime tears. As he continued walking his nostrils were assaulted by the scent of something burning. He started to make his way towards the scent, his face becoming strangely serene compared to his former look of sadness. The man made it to the top of the hill he was climbing and what he saw made him facepalm immediately.
The only thing in sight was a single boulder, two young men were at said boulder. The shorter of the two sitting on the ground leaning against the boulder while the taller was lying on top of it. Now this would have been a normal, even while people rarely die before their time, if said young men weren't sitting there smoking their faces off. He calmly walked up to the young men without either noticing.
"Greetings recently departed!" His voice booming, scaring both causing the one on the ground to drop their pipe and the other to roll of the boulder, landing on the ground with a thud. "I am the creator of all, the god of life, the father of this planet!" Both boys had looks of shock etched on their faces. They were sputtering as they tried to find words, and for better or worse, Alex found them first.
"So your saying your god?" Alex asked with an incredulous look on his face. The man gave a slow nod to his question while his lips started twitching at the ends. Alex looked to Ray who still seemed frozen in shock. "Did we get that high?" He said hysterically. The man now identified as 'god' had a confused look on his face.
"After being in purgatory for a time you still find their being a god impossible?"
"Uhh, YES? If your god do something only god can do." Alex said to the man. Ray who had remained quiet through the conversation finally found his voice.
"If we ARE in purgatory...why are you here then? Aren't we supposed to suffer here for an eternity?" Ray slowly questioned. The god atleast had the decency to look embarrassed.
"Weeeelll about that...you guys kinda weren't supposed to die for another seventy years." He replied sheepishly.
"I see that makes se-WHAT! We weren't supposed to die for seventy years?! What kinda god are you?" Ray shouted back.
"The kind that's going to let you guys live again." He replied gruffly. "In exchange for this misunderstanding I'm going to allow you both one favor, or wish as you'd call it. Obviously no wishing for more wishes, immortality, or anything along the lines" The boys were shellshocked, here they were dead, then god comes and says they have one wish each because it was a mistake! 'Yep' both boys thought simultaneously, 'we have officially smoked ourselves crazy.' they then put their heads together for only a moment before they made their wishes.
"I wish for Alex and I to be in the Naruto world! We wanna be eight years old and go to the academy with the rookie nine, but we want to remember everything we know now!" Ray said
"Well, that's an interesting one, most people ask for a ton of money. I can take care of that for you guys, now Alex what's your wish?" The grin he received in return made him question what the wish would be.
"I wish that while we lived our new lives we had an endless supply of your greatest creation!" Alex joyfully shouted out.
"And what's my 'greatest creation'?" He hesitantly asked.
"WEED!" He shouted out. After hearing a thud Ray and Alex turned towards the god to see he had faceplanted.
"Fine, I can do that." The god replied after pulling himself off the ground. With a snap of his fingers the air around them started to grow even brighter."I'm really sorry again for the mix up even though apologizing doesn't seem enough for letting you die seventy years early. Well enjoy your new lives!" The ground underneath the boulder started to glow a bright white as that and the boys slowly started sinking into the ground. As they disappeared into the light, at the last possible second, an arm shot out and grabbed the glass pipe resting on the ground pulling it into the light as well. The god facepalmed and muttered something sounding like, "Damn stoners." as he disappeared without even a sound. -
A/N The end of chapter 1, I thought today how funny it would be to just have a stoner or two as part of the Naruto crew so I decided I'd make a fanfiction about it. Thank you if you read the chapter and let me know what you think! Peace, NarutoStoner